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Joined: Jul 2004
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My WH lives in the town where he works - used to commute, but apparently moveD to save gas and time.
(Found out he really moved there to continue his A of 2.5 years)
We are trying to work it out - Plan A. I'm doing well with the plan so far.
Sometimes I can't reach him on his cell phone. Like now, he has usually called by now. I tried to call him, but he doesn't answer. (he usually calls me 2-4 times a day)
When he calls, should I ask him if he was with the OW, or just act normal (new normal)?
It just freaks me out that I feel I can't ask him what he is doing, or talk to him about any of this kind of thing.
Am I doing Plan A right? NEED ANSWERS!!!!!
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
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I'm the poster child for what NOT to do...
And before I found MB, and even after for that matter, I called and called looking for WH, trying to find out if he was okay. He'd always promise to call and then didn't.
And then when I did get ahold of him or he called, I'd asked where he was and if he was with OW. All it did was make him angry and cause him to call even less often if he was away.
Don't ask about OW, in my opinion. Ask how his day went. Be interested in his life. I know somehow in Plan A you are still supposed to make it clear that the intent is for him to end the A and do NC with the OW, but once he's clear on that point, I think it's best not to push things too much or you risk love busting.
LL
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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K, Vent here this is what this board is for. Make a plan to sit down and let him know that how you get when he doesn't answer the phone. This may stress him out. Warn him. This is also one of the side effects of the A. What is he willing to do to make you feel safe? What are you willing to do to help him? Your recovery over this issue will require both your efforts if you are to stay married. Oh yea, don't forget to breathe....... deep breathes, in/out good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but don't hyperventilate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> L.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,142
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,142 |
Thanks, Orchid & LL
WH just called. He was out running, and didn't hear his cell ring (our new phones are bad that way - mine is hard to hear, too)
I just talked to him about the day. We laughed a lot, and had a good conversation.
I don't really know if the A is ended - I don't think it is. He is trying to make a decision of what he will do. I'm showing him my new self.
I told him yesterday, that yes, I had always been jealous over him. I said my worst fears have come true, and now things have changed for me. I want him to see that he can talk to me, tell me everything, and that his honesty will not hurt my feelings. That I will listen to him.
Am I doing the right thing????
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Joined: Jan 2001
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1/2 right. You need to do some of that homework I keep mentioning. The book his needs/her needs shows you both what to do. You also need to know when to give him attention and praise vs when not to.
Here's an example: Do NOT tell him you love him when he isn't being nice. Do NOT tell him you want to help him when he is hurting you.
Let us know what you think about the book.
L.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,142
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Thanks, Orchid
Have read SAA twice, have read Love Busters this week, and am reading His Needs/Her Needs now.
They have given me lots of insight into this thing that I never thought would happen to us. I see many places for work on our part, and many places for change on my part.
Have given SAA to WH to read. He says he has started to read it. Hope to discuss a little bit of it when we go camping next week. But mostly want to have a good time with him.
Started taking anti-D last week. I think they may be helping a little now. Am less shakey, and nervous.
Thanks, K
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