I'm trying to understnad how theese OW/OM can be in a realtionship wiht our WW and WH. I"m just confused. I mean i know the majority of the cases the WW/WH spend time etc outside of the marriage wiht the OW/OM. but in my situation i just dont get it. I mean. they started out as friends. when i first found out about her the first message i heard was her telling my H to be nice to his pregent W (me) and being on my side. At some point it turned into an EA. but even when i told my H to leave he stayed at his moms came there everynight even though he couldve stayed with this OW. he never was home late or anything. they just atalked on the phone alot then he stopped talking to her after thanksgiving and told her he wanted to be with his wife. they didnt talk (unless they talked at work) until april then they talk on the phone somemore.. i found out so then the next time i find out there not talking on the phone , she was just leaving him messages at night when his phone was turned off. NOw if there still in contact she cant have his new number or anything they can only talk at work..

i mean if i was in a realtionship with someone and they said i cant give you my new phone number no matter what there reasoning i would not be putting up with it. i just dont know how some of theese OW/OM put up with tht conditions an A put on there relationship!

sorry for my ramblings

I think they have self-esteem problems to begin with. I have been hit on by married men (work with all men) all my life. A healthy person tells them that they are not interested. But someone who has low self-esteem is flattered.

I think believer is exactly right. I know with my FWH, his "friend", the OW (who used to be my close friend), had major major self esteem issues, not to mention was on anti-depressants.

-Olivia

Believer,

I'm not so sure if it is always a matter of low-selfesteem. I've had low self-esteem all my life and I didn't go out and have an A with a married man. Like you, I've been hit on by many men, married and sometimes single and even during the lowest points in my marriage and my husband's EA, I still would not cross that line. Sure, it is flattering and it feels good to be complimented, but I would always think of the girlfriend/wife at home and I would put myself in her shoes. I would never ever want any woman to have to go through and feel what I've felt. Never, ever. And this is reason enough to stay away from a married man. I don't care how unhappy he is in his marriage. You can never be happy when someone else gets hurt.

I may not feel good about myself, but I still respect myself.

Kati

I too have low self esteem. I also dont see how in any way i could be in this position as OW when i was 18 I was almost an OW but didnt let it happen. and I could not imagine being in a relationship where i cant call him , i can barely see him, we cant hang out. it just seems wierd b/c if my husband and her are still haveing contact it just seems what would she get out of it?

I'm not sure it's a low self esteem issue (though that may be part of it). It's more of a need for external validation...someone else telling you that you are great and making you feel great. Add in a dash of fantasy/infatuation and you have most of the makings of an A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Many of the OP are told that the WS was not married or that their M was "over". Why wouldn't they go for it?

Usually OP think~~~~~~~~

"I deserve this"

"You deserve this"

"I deserve to be happy"

"WS deserves to be happy"

"God brought this person into my life for a reason"

"The marriage was over before I came into the picture"

"They married for the wrong reasons"

"I can make this person happy"

"I need this person in my life"

"The kids will be happy if their Mom / Dad is happier with me"

"I could not help myself"

"It was meant to be"

"I found my soulmate"

"I would make a better wife / husband than the current spouse"

"The spouse is not good enough for this person"

~~~~~~~~~~

blah blah blah

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The inconsistency between seeking love in an extramarital relationship while also settling for hairy circumstances is I think largely the adulterer searching for enough loopholes in his or her moral code to be able to justify the affair, and also buying time until the dust settles. Sort of like, yeah society frowns on this and I'd rather not hurt the BS, so I'll accept these conditions for a while until the BS is out of the way and everybody I know loses the santimonious attitude and learns to accept that this is the way it's going to be.

The other day I asked my WW, in the nicest way, do you think this is a R you can be proud of? She said yes, but I think it got her thinking.

GC

I agree most people think that the person is divorced/seperated etc.

but i'm talking more about the ones who know otherwise. like in my situiton the OW must think something. I mean she knew we got back together after being seperated and even if he told her some lie like he came back just for the kids or something wouldnt she wonder why he changed his number and wont let her have it or why they cant talk anymore. b/c the more i find out the more restriced there contact became. i'd think that the OP would get really sick of this type of realationship and end it?

i'd think that the OP would get really sick of this type of realationship and end it?

The OP (OW especially) get their identity from their relationship... Their affair begins to define who they feel they are...

And they hold on .... even in the face of being disrespected.... because they feel they must "mean something" to the married man in order to be real ( and have value )to themselves.

Read the WW threads on MB, and you'll see exactly what this affair does to women who make their affair their identity... really messed up.

They cling to the MM because he represents their reflected sense of self...

Pep

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>