tell me please, ive bounced around in the other forums and i still have a lingering problem...

ppl are telling me i sound like im not ready for marriage and that im not really working on things and the first thing that got me in here was just that.... i didnt know if i had fallen out of love over time.

short story cos im fed up with telling it!...

issues mounted over the years with H and never told him... bad me i have since learned.
4 yrs ago started to tell him but not "nag", no change
2 yrs ago told him i was ready for a divorce because of his controlling nature and the fact that he had let me down so much over the last years. had to go back to work cos H not bringing in money, resented him and told him this was affecting "us". never went thru with it because i reckon i was too cowardly.
1 yr ago started to realise i didnt "need" H
6 months ago, fell into an online EA
3 months ago got caught and ended it.

now in recovery thanks to MB... but am i? I communicate better about my feelings but...

i came onto this site to question wether i should stay or go and the A has overtaken everything... i am still left with the "am i outta love" bit.

now, question is... i dont miss OM as such... its become more impersonal then that... my eye strays, i imagine what life would be like single.. i cannot seem to get to a grief stricken remorseful state and want to be open and honest and intimate about everything (ppl on other boards tell me i should want my H to know all)...

and... totally diff issue perhaps, sex just isnt right... i never desire it, but i havent for some time, so ive discounted that until now as biological or me being weird.

am i in a fog or what? whats up with me? anyone know!? cos i sure dont. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My thoughts:

First, love is more than just "feelings" or "fuzzies". It's action--even when you don't always feel like it. The feelings will come and go. Granted, right now I'm a poor example of anything because my WH is actively in an A and living with another woman.

I've been M for 19 years to a difficult man (he's an alcoholic) and there have been many low times. But there were also good times. It didn't just start all warm and fuzzy and then go downhill and never get better.

Sounds like you have a commitment problem. If neither of you are involved with OP's and if there are no drug/alcohol issues, and if you really do want your M to get better, start with making sure you're really committed. If you allow yourself to think of D as an option, it will affect your commitment to make things better.

Second, feelings often follow actions. Start spending more time together. Do the emotional needs questionnaires with your H. Find out what makes each other tick. Then start doing some of those things, even if they don't feel completely comfortable at first. You will build LU's in each other's LB and the feelings will gradually return.

Finally, about the sex. For a woman (at least personally speaking), our sex lives and our desire are based on our emotions. If we aren't feeling emotionally close to our H, we may well not feel like being physical either.

However, you could also have a hormone imbalance affecting your desire, or even depression. Depression (also speaking from experience) will knock your sex drive on it's head. So will a number of A/D meds (I take Lexapro now and it seems to be fine.)

Just my 2 cents. Hopefully more stable and experienced people who HAVE seen a renewal in their M's will jump in on this one.

LL

bump!

i need some answers!

anyone who has been in an EA and can talk me thru the stages of recovery or help me see whats happening to me!

i cant unravel my feelings.

I can't help with the EA aspect. I've never been there. I do think that you are experiencing some or all of the following: frustration, emotional issues, disillusionment, commitment issues, communication problems, and confusion which are probably causing depression. When money is an issue in a relationship and one person isn't doing his/her share, it creates major tension which can spill over into all areas of the relationship.
I think you need to decide if you would like you marriage to continue IF things can change for the better. If you, and hopefully H, agree that you'd like to continue, work toward that goal. Things can change if you want them to.
I don't believe people really fall out of love with each other so much as the feelings get burried by other stuff, issues, pressures, OP,etc. When the feelings are burried, it seems like they're gone for good. If you can peel away at the other stuff, and work at building deposits in the love bank, the feelings can and will come back. Don't expect it to be warm and fuzzy all the time though. True love is deeper than the surface feel good all the time stuff.Good luck.

sheeeesh! i need a counsellor!
actually... i reckon i do, im seeing one soon and hopefully she will help me unravel all this.
thanks for your comments andi

i_wunder,
You're getting some great advise here. I see a classic case of your emotional needs not being met. It happens to more people than you think.
I so much agree with what LL said.

You have to feel the emotional attachment to your H, for SF to be worth it for you. That is how a woman operates, it's just her nature.

Before you go running out to greener pastures (which is really just an illusion) give yourself and your M a chance to really survive and be great.

Communication is missing between you and H. I bet he could be happier too, and by filling out the questionnaires, you open up to each other.

Give it a shot. I don't know much about you, how old you are, how long you've been married, but trust me, the grass isn't greener. You never want to look back with regrets.