I've been lurking here for quite awhile.
Decided to post.
I'm a Wayward Wife. Please bear with me. I'm trying to learn the lingo.

I have been married 10 years. Have a couple children. Husband and I have had problems off and on during marriage. He often felt ignored, like he was a nobody. Might have been my fault. I am a housewife, not employed. And I also felt ignored.

He spent much time working.


I started meeting men online. Not really looking, but finally devolping a relationship. Complained about my husband. They were always supportive. Fantasized about a better life. One free of problems, free of hassles.

Started looking up old boyfriends, and such. I wanted to meet most of them at one time or another. BUt have only met two. Neither was an old BF. Wanted to see if there was a chance for me to escape.

Well, met another guy. Thought he was my soulmate. Should say think he is my soulmate. We talk all the time, and chat.

Husband and I are getting a divorce soon. I am not dissappointed. He probably is. Wants to keep family together. I feel like I want to be happy and he can't do it. He has made some changes but it is too late.

He was always working, and made me feel unappreciated. Didn't talk to me like before.

I am worried though. This other man is new and exciting. He lives far away but I think he will move close to me. I used to feel bad for H, about what I was doing, but not anymore. He ignored me for too long.

Even though I know this new man is great, and loving, and compassionate. I still inside and worried he will become like H after awhile.

I don't know if I should even be on here. But I see how helpful the members here are to others. I just want you to know I am hurt too, by my Husband. And I hurt him. It is too late to fix that. I want to be happy and this guy is like a savior to me.

He met me from an adult site. And he really gets me excited, can't wait to talk to him. He makes me feel good and I make him feel good. I want it to work really bad and will do just about anything to help it along. I haven't read these books on here. I want to build a marriage with him.

Sorry for the rambling.

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Cheffy ]</small>

" Have a couple children. "

I would like to point out to you that the above sentence is the ~only~ reference you made to your dear innocent children.

Why is this your only comment about your kids?

How many? How old? How will they be effected by the break-up of their family?

Pep

God Pep!!
YOU took the words right out of my mouth...

I was stunned when I read that post....
doesn't happen much around here...
but never say never....

soooo many flags in this post...
so much potential damage and hurt and pain...to all involved...

so little logic...

lets break it down shall we...

1. marriage is not some entity outside of our actions, emotions, and energy...
the lack of attention from your husband is totally irrelevant from the ACT and CHOICE of fidelity...

He often felt ignored, like he was a nobody. Might have been my fault.

who elses fault would it have been...if he felt ignored and like a nobody from you??

I feel like I want to be happy and he can't do it.

this is scary stuff ..
hubby can't make you happy
other man can't make you happy...
you alone are responsible for your happiness...

it takes work and motivation at happiness and marriage...any marriage ...any life...
and infact we probably most happy and content when we act in peoples best interest...
when we in actions show our love to those we love...
which would mean your husband and family...
they deserve that....
you vowed to do that....

Even though I know this new man is great, and loving, and compassionate.

and yet in reality he is none of these things..
the fact that he would be willing to rip your children from there father should terrify you to your core..

the fact that you and he believe that there is great value in teaching your children that one should not work on a marriage and the issues that come with it...and look for something new to replace the old...and that commitment, honesty, and respect mean nothing...should chill you deep down...

exposing your children to a stranger with the expectation all they want is YOUR happiness is cruel and very misguided...

children are way more egocentric than that..
they want security and mom and dad together ...

how do you know husband will not block the OM access to the children...that's what I would do if a strange man tried to live MY children...not on my watch...

Wanted to see if there was a chance for me to escape.
from yourself???

I want to be happy and this guy is like a savior to me.
but the person you need saved from is you....
and where ever YOU go there YOU are...

He can't MAKE you happy no one can..
and your fantasy that this whole world exists to make and ensure your happiness if frightening and lonely...

I want to build a marriage with him.
you don't know how to build a marriage with anyone yet....
you should build the one you have...
the one you broke..and fix it..

this is a chilling post...
God bless the children exposed to this mess..

ark

Cheffy,

YOU want to be happy, YOU want someone to make you feel good, YOU want to feel excited... That's all I'm hearing about: YOU, YOU, YOU...

Have you ever thought about your children and the family that you are tearing apart in your search for happiness from someone else that you met at an adult site???

What if the new guy doesn't work out even though you want so badly for it to work out? What if he changes his mind. How do you know that you are the only woman he's talking to online? There may be others... You are taking a big gamble if you are giving everything up because you want someone else to make YOU happy.

Kati

I've felt neglected for awhile. I think it would be better for them to be in a home without friction. They are 8 and 10.

They're father will always be thier father. I wouldn't keep them away from him. I just feel they would be better with a happy mother.

And of course they are upset at the notion. But they are kids and very resiliant.

I am probably not the best to reply to your post... b/c I am in the same boat myself.

But if I can just say one thing to you about what I have learned and am learning from my experiences. I have learned that this is NOT a game. This is life and unfortunately, it's not just your life.. it's your children's life.

I met a guy on the internet and just KNEW he was my "Soulmate". We had been through it all and discussed a future together. I had been married and basically felt ignored and unloved by my husband and just knew this man was the answer to all my prayers. I KNEW IT!!!

I spent (STOLE) alot of time from my children, my husband, my family, my life to give to this man because (after all) he was my future. I have always been told that the one thing that is impossible to get back is time.. everything else can be regained.. however once time is gone... it is gone!

I am now in the process of trying to get everything on track and it is not easy or pretty. I haven't been spoken to the OM in goin on two months, and now I'm left to face the reality of what my decisions and actions have done. I have no idea if my marriage can be repaired or if I can gain back my self respect.. but i'm trying.

This is goin to sound hypocrictical coming from me... but i have always said that I would never want a man that left another woman, specifically for me... it would NEVER work..

Please do yourself a favor... even if it is really over between your husband and yourself... DO not get involved with anyone for a while... give yourself time to heal. I'm speaking from experience...

Excuse me for sounding crass but shouldn't you be on THEOTHERWOMAN.com site?

Arc, no offense, but it almost sounds as if you are contradicting yourself here:

He often felt ignored, like he was a nobody. Might have been my fault. He often felt ignored, like he was a nobody. Might have been my fault.

who elses fault would it have been...if he felt ignored and like a nobody from you??

I feel like I want to be happy and he can't do it.

this is scary stuff ..
hubby can't make you happy
other man can't make you happy...
you alone are responsible for your happiness...


How is it her fault that he felt like he was a nobody, however, SHE alone is responsible for her own happiness? Why isn't he responsible for his own self worth? in other words?

I am not tryin to bait you, or question your authority on the subject. But i've seen this said before...

Cheffy,

How do you know that you are going to be happy?

How do you know that children are resilient? You cannot predict the future and you have no idea what this is going to do to your children. What do you know about this man that you met online? You should under no circumstances expose your innocent children to this person.

This post is really starting to scare me...

Kati

I think it would be better for them to be in a home without friction.

then quit participating in friction
then quit being the orchestrator of friction..

take your responsibility for the home ..it is yours...
fill your home with laughter
fill your home with joy
fill your home with love...
fill it with life and love...

celebrate the love between you and your husband...
no matter the actions you have taken in the past to diminish and push it aside...turn it around..get control of it...and do the work to create the type of marriage you envision..which starts with you...
not someone obsessed with some internet fantasy...

But they are kids and very resiliant
they are not resiliant out of choice....they are resiliant out of fear and pain and despair...

they will believe that they could not make you happy so they also like dad are replacable..no matter the words you use to re-assure...the actions they see is the getting rid of dad..

dooming a father to become a stranger in his home...visiting VISITING his children...while a new man comes to replace dad...

if grown up can replace other grownups...then in a childs mind who have no control or power over anything...they to believe they are replacable..

your actions will convey that your boyfriend is more important over them and that you choose this strange man over them...

if your husband is wise he will go for full custody to keep his children being exposed to such mockery of marriage in hopes to instill the values of honesty and committment...

And of course they are upset at the notion. But they are kids and very resiliant.

ofcourse they are hurt to their core... But they are kids and very resiliant

ofcourse they hate that their mother discards them for another man.... But they are kids and very resiliant

ofcourse they feel powerless and hopeless... But they are kids and very resiliant

ofcourse they live in fear that if they don't make their mother happy she will replace them as well.... But they are kids and very resiliant

forced reisiliancy is a trait hard earned....

ARK

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

They are 8 and 10.

Poor babies

I just feel they would be better with a happy mother.

You mean a mother who meets sexy new men on the internet???

No, I think you are mistaken.

And of course they are upset at the notion.

Yes, and how does them being upset affect your decision to tear their home apart?

But they are kids and very resiliant.

And you are the adult and supposed to protect them.... from things that upset them.

Pep

First off. I'm not an Other WOman. My friend is single. And yes we've made plans. THe places we could travel, and finally enjoy life more. Finances with my H aren't bad but he was always looking to the future instead of right now.

We were doing... OK- maybe. But the since I met this guy I realize how miserable I've been. We probably never should have been married.

Husband never trusted me. I lied to him years ago and he has questioned my honesty ever since. I always feel guilty, or like I have to explain myself. With this new man, I don't have to explain anything. I can be myself... finally.

Maybe I shouldn't have come here. I did like the posts I've read.

But I also notice many of the posters have been divorced before. I thought maybe they would understand a mistake. I want to move past this mistake and forge a new life of happiness. There have been too many hurts between me and my husband, I don't believe either us could get past it. And I don't love him anymore. It kind of just came to me about a month or so ago. I don't love him. I don't know if I love the other guy, but I think I might. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy. He likes kids and would be good with mine.

Sorry, I didn't mean to cause any problems. Hoping to get advice on how to make this new thing work. And I'm not an Other woman. I wouldn't be with a man that was married. Even if he was unhappily married.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cheffy:
<strong> First off. I'm not an Other WOman. My friend is single. And yes we've made plans. THe places we could travel, and finally enjoy life more. Finances with my H aren't bad but he was always looking to the future instead of right now.

We were doing... OK- maybe. But the since I met this guy I realize how miserable I've been. We probably never should have been married.

Husband never trusted me. I lied to him years ago and he has questioned my honesty ever since. I always feel guilty, or like I have to explain myself. With this new man, I don't have to explain anything. I can be myself... finally.

Maybe I shouldn't have come here. I did like the posts I've read.

But I also notice many of the posters have been divorced before. I thought maybe they would understand a mistake. I want to move past this mistake and forge a new life of happiness. There have been too many hurts between me and my husband, I don't believe either us could get past it. And I don't love him anymore. It kind of just came to me about a month or so ago. I don't love him. I don't know if I love the other guy, but I think I might. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy. He likes kids and would be good with mine.

Sorry, I didn't mean to cause any problems. Hoping to get advice on how to make this new thing work. And I'm not an Other woman. I wouldn't be with a man that was married. Even if he was unhappily married. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow...

I'm hoping that you don't get beat up 2 badly here... because I think you are looking for ways that could potentially save your marriage and not for advice on how to live a happily ever life with a man you met on the internet.

You said "He's Single".. how do you know? Do you honestly think that you are the first person he met on the internet??? Beginners Luck?

You said you're husband is always planning for the future... Poor You!!! To have a husband who is thinking of your future... I feel bad.

You could NEVER be with a married man (even if he was unhappily married)... Yet your "SOULMATE" is doing that with you?

Can I ask you if your husband knows that you no longer love him and are planning to leave him to be with a man you met on the internet and take his children with you?

If someone were to ask your husband today if there were problems... would he know it?

I think your looking for answers that would lead you to be happy.... not necessarily with another man.... at least i hope so.

sorry

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: FeelinGuilty ]</small>

sorry

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: FeelinGuilty ]</small>

sorry (again)

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: FeelinGuilty ]</small>

This week is starting out weird...so many WS's posting their stories. Gives me the willies! But at least they are trying to get help...

We can help you, too, Cheffy.

We are all going to tell you to ditch the internet lover. Easier said than done, I know you are thinking.

Have you ever met this man in person, or talked onthe phone? OMG, how can you trust someone like this?

Please pay attention to your replies. Just the fact that you are here says something...

Anytime I see a thread titled with "internet" I am drawn to read it. I'm not being judgemental here Cheffy, but reading your post was creepy. If I didn't know my wife was gone, I might have thought it was her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I wonder, did you H know how "miserable" you were, even when you didn't realize it. The fact that you had several of these internet things leads me to believe you were not focusing on your marriage. Even if most were EA's.

Did you tell him things were good? Or did you tell him things were so bad you wanted to leave the marriage. If he thought things were OK, why would he change them. You said he has made some changes but they are too late. That shows he has the ability to change. You may think he is doing it because of your affair. But I think he is doing it because he loves you. At least for now.

I didn't know. We couldn't communicate clearly enough with one another. Both our faults I guess. I feel mislead now. I could have done something before maybe, but I didn't have the chance. Too late now.

I wonder, are your parents divorced? Did you have a relationship with your father? Was he a strong family figure, or absentee?

And how often do you actually see this guy? Is it all phone and internet? Why doesn't he have a girlfriend if he is so great, why can't he maintain a real time relationship.

My M is over because of this. I'm struggling/striving to enjoy my kids and family as much as I can before it is finally finished.

You are a SAHM. It was nice your husband could work hard enough to let his kids not be raised by daycare workers. Was he selfish, did he neglect the needs of the family? Did he always do things for himself?

What makes you think that your ability to sustain a relationship with this OM will be successful when it is based on lying and deceit, sneaking and cheating? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

cheffy...

even though it sounds like people are being hard on you...it is you in the core of this that is the orchestrator...

and it seems so misguided...yet you can't see it...

you say this...
Husband never trusted me. I lied to him years ago and he has questioned my honesty ever since. I always feel guilty, or like I have to explain myself.

so here's what sooo confusing....
you turn around and lie...
for years and carry on several internet affairs...
like some fullfilling prophecy...
you DO exactly what you say you don't like your husband accusing you of...

see where it is so hard to see this choice and your past choices as a good ones...

We were doing... OK- maybe.
see that line as well...things weren't too bad in your marriage...so you withdraw from the marriage and start spending time, energy and emotion on the internet....
it's not surprising you were OK....
you plugged out of it...

and it is so scary for posters here to read about your desire to toss this not so bad marriage in the trash at the expense of children and start over....with some new man....

and even you must realize since you are here that you haven't had or been using the skills and tools needed for a really good marriage...
or you wouldn't be here asking...

see the scary lack of logic...
you say.... And I'm not an Other woman. I wouldn't be with a man that was married. Even if he was unhappily married.

yet you would be with a man that would do that to you....for you are married...and he is willing to be with you...??

you sound really lost...
I guess the challenge is do you want to stop this confusion and chaos...

ark

Let me first say i commend your courage for posting.

Do i agree with your solution to this problem - NO WAY !!!

I mean have you ever met this guy face to face or is it an emotional affair? Have you thought about counselling with your husband?

Nothing Ventured nothing gained. DOnt you think your marriage deserves the most you 2 can put into it for its sake and your childrens. HOW can you know this man can make you happy. Guess what he may be able to chat you up on the net and be all that you want but reality can be a real DOWNER. A friend of mine left her long time Girlfriend (yes she was gay) for another woman on the net guess what it was a GUY playing the role of a woman.
Do you have PROOF the guy is single how do you know he isnt just using you as a sexual / emotional conquest. Heck how do you know hes not some sexually energized 16 year old kid with a stolen password to this "Adult" site.

Just some thoughts to ponder.
Get help for your marriage and be willing BOTH of you to work your [censored] off on it.