Just read through your entire thread again Cheffy. Reminds me of a runaway train getting ready to take a dirt road.

Not saying you should or shouldn't stay married. Just worried for you, your husband, and especially your kids. He is not local you said, are you moving? Could he just up and move here, get a job, support himself. Or do you plan on helping him? Using your marital assets to help him instead of your kids.

BTW, glad you are here reading. Even if it is to try to be successful with this OM.

My WW has been here, but not for the right reasons.

Cheffy...i have been in your shoes. I understand exactly where you are. You felt ignored, you felt unloved and you met someoen much more interesting and affectionate than your husband. I have been there.

I am not going to cast any judgement upon you because I have no right to but there are 2 things that I want you to do. I want you to read "His needs , her needs" and "Surviving an Affair". Trust me that your husband can be the man you want him to be. Please dont give up on that before giving him a chance. you may THINK youve given him a chance but until you have read those books together you dont even know where to start.

Please trust me on this.

I left it too long to return to my husband. All the men onlien seemed so much more interesting. Now reestablishing my relationship is an uphill struggle.

You have already seen the risk of this new man becoming like your husband. This is what happens in all marriages where needs are not recognised, discussed and met. Marriage takes hard work, very hard work. You already have a marriage which is not all bad, with a good man who is father to your children. Please dont made the mistake I made. Try everything you can try before breaking up your family. You CAN be in love with your husband again and live without the guilt of splitting up your family.

Please try...Learn from my experience. Dont break everyones heart, including your own, in the process....

Yes, I have met him. Twice. He flew into see me. And yes Husband knows about him. Suspects I have seen him but I have not told him that.

I thought he knew how I felt, but I did always tell him that I never wanted anyone but him. Always tried to make him feel "secure". But it doesn't matter now.

My parents were divorced. And das didn't play a major role in the family. Because he didn't want to. So no, we weren't close then. But we are better now. My mom also moved later 1000 miles away so I didn't see him hardly at all. But I turned out ok.

Talk to other man on phone everyday. And chat often too. I like it and he makes me feel good about myself. He Encourages me and gives me strength. And he makes me want to please him too.

And he works alot, so he didn't have time to date regularly. And the girls where he is are all stuck up and fake. He worked odd shifts that made it hard. Also he's lived in alot of places moved around alot.

I don't think my husband was selfish, in fact often didn't do enough for himself. Maybe that's why he was depressed in the past. But I thought he always was demanding of me. Kept us from having fun. He liked to do things but it was always go go go, when vacation or fun time occurred.

I always felt lucky to be a stay-at-home mom when most were working. But I can work, and I look forward to the challenge. Plus his alimony will help me out financially.

I don't want to stay married to him. I almost have started to despise him. He tries to be nice, but looking at him makes me mad.

Ark, always enjoyed your posts. Wish maybe husband read them years ago. But it is too late. I don't want to waste anymore time. And marriage shouldn't be THIS hard if it is meant to be. He isn't my soulmate. Have to find him before I'm to old to enjoy him.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Cheffy ]</small>

One thing that should scare you to death is the danger of meeting in person, a strange man on an 'adult site' and even thinking of exposing this person to your innocent children.

If you have a daughter, it is not that uncommon for a woman's boyfriend, or potential step-father to molest them. I would think that number would go up if you met the guy through an adult site with sexual excitement the focal point. I wouldn't be willing to take the chance. I certainly wouldn't want you to have custody of your kids if I were your H under those circumstances....especially since you met on an 'adult' site. Pretty sleazy and risky business.

I know there are some great, loving step-father's out there that wouldn't think of hurting the children...but you haven't a clue about this guys character except that he is willing to have an A with a married woman.

It would be best to try and find a way to repair the damage to your marriage. I would assure you that it is possible to fall in love again with your H...you may not be able to see that right now.

The first step would be to end all contact with this fantasy lover and recommit to your marriage. You will experience withdrawal as though you were fighting a drug addiction.

You can have the marriage of your dreams with the man you are married to...the father of your children. Your kids deserve that you will at least make a serious effort to rebuild. I hope your H is willing to try too.

Plus his alimony will help me out financially
You don't love him, don't want to be married to him, want to be "free" but you WILL take his money?

How do you know you will get ANY alimony?
As a matter of fact, how do you know that you will not have to pay child support?

Thanks Trix, but he didn't pressure me. It just happened. We have a connection. He loves kids and I've told him all about mine. I wasn't scared to meet him and spent the weekend with him. It was fantastic. Wonderful. Never knew such passion. I can't live the way I used too and now I don't have to.

I'm sorry my husband is hurting, but he hurt me too. So now it is my turn I guess. I do just want to be free.

And my husband looked at internet porn. Though he has stopped now. He is trying to turn the kids against me.

He is trying to turn the kids against me.
You are going to do a pretty good job of that yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Rather than trying to make your marriage work, you will upend their lives because you want to "be free".

(Oh, and if you want to be free, why are you leaving for someone else)? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chaffy,

Think about it. You met this guy on an adult internet site. What kind of guy meets women on an adult internet site? This is the kind of person to raise your children? Good grief woman, can this person really be better than your husband?

You met this stranger on the internet just a little while ago. How about turning it around and try meeting your husband at home again?

If you must run off with this new 'hero,' have the decency to leave the children with their father. For all I went through with my first wife, at least she did that.

As this is a marriage BUILDER's site, I once again must urge you to try to rebuild your marriage. From personal experience, my first wife wanted out. After she had her freedom and I started dating my present wife, she wanted back. At the time, it was only for a free meal ticket, so I said no. She has been through many relationships since, has had a few husbands, is alone now, and is not happy. So much for not valuing what you have now!

cheffy said:

I thought maybe they would understand a mistake. I want to move past this mistake and forge a new life of happiness.

The mistake wasn't getting married it was not valuing the marriage you were in. Granted you H is responsible for the state of your marriage too and needs to own up to his mistakes.

There is a saying "that where ever you go there you'll be." I know you have heard it before. I used to think it had to do with my location but it has to do with me as a person. A new lover, spouse, mate or boyfriend won't make you a better person anymore than getting a new car will make you a better driver.

If you can't handle what you are in what mkes you think you will do better with something new?

my $.02

Doug

Cheffy,

Now come on... Do you really believe him when he says that he didn't date because all of the girls where he lives are stuck up and fake. Come on..., think about it! That's a bunch of b***. How can ALL the girls be stuck up and fake??? Now I personally don't think that internet dating is all that bad if you are SINGLE and you date other SINGLE people because it open up an entire new pool of potential partners that one may never have a chance of meeting otherwise. So the concept is good.

It sounds to me like you have not had a lot of fun in your marriage and things got frustrating and bored and the internet affair provided an escape for you. I can understand that you are frustrated and I also understand that you do not want THIS marriage. You deserve a better marriage and your husband does, too. But I do think that you can find it together. It is not going to be easy, but it is certainly possible.

Also, if I were you I would certainly not count on the alimony because it may not be a given that you will get it. In certain states, a divorce that is filed because of adultery can be a reason that the other spouse does not have to pay alimony.

I also wouldn't bank all of my happiness on this one man. What if it doesn't work out? What are you going to do then?

I really feel for you because you are hurting, but I think you are going about fixing your hurt the wrong way. I'm not saying that you HAVE to stay with your husband. Sometimes, it is not possible to stay together and sometimes the best solution may be a divorce. But all you are doing is trading one relationship for another very uncertain one.

Kati

Here's a question for you..

If you never met this man (or never logged into the internet to meet any other man) would you be entertaining a divorce?

All this talk about kids and happiness and love.
Boy it really sounds like the only thing you are thinking about is YOURSELF! Those children of yours did not ask to be here. They are not going to bounce back as easy as you think. What is the percentage that they will???? They are now going to be a statistic of divorce. You are! What makes you think you turned out ok. THis is a real mess. I do feel sorry for your H but most of all I feel sorry for your children. Making it through the teenage years is tough enough without having to deal with a mother that feel SHE deserves to be happy. WHat kind of a lesson are you teaching them. The same one you learned--obviously! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hot, new, illicit sex, doesn't always stay hot and new long term. Establishing a relationship on this basis has a very low rate of success long term. You can look up statistics on this.

Please stay around and read all you can on this site. Read the books that have been recommended to you as well.

What you are experiencing is not all that special and unique. You are not alone in your experience as there are other WS's here struggling with their very similar situations.

How would you feel if your son or daughter was doing what your are doing when they become adults... to their grand children. Just because you think you came out alright dispite your parent's poor examples doesn't mean yours will...also statistics speak otherwise...you only have to look at your own behavior to predict their possible choices.

Be a mom a good example to your children... a mom they can be proud of and respect. Reach deep within you and find the woman of character that is still in there somewhere. The unselfish mother and wife that you have been before all these awful choices.

You haven't yet earned your way out of your marriage until you really try to work it out with your H one more time. Send your H here so we can help him too.

Love is a decision...it is all about commitment.
Recall the vows that you exchanged. Listen to the meaning in the words.

Chances of your new relationship working out are slim..then your kid will likely have another D to live through. Save yourself and your kids further heartache.

I feel very sad for you, your H, and especially your children.

Cheffy,

At this point, I think the best thing for your husband (the betrayed party), is for you to leave. There are tons of women out there who would love to have him, and provide him with the things (intimacy, fidelity) that you are not. When you've burned through the "passion" with this OM and your relationship is cold and dead, he can be starting off right with a new woman who will value and love him. You don't deserve him, but you have him for now. Here's hoping the divorce comes through, he get's primary custody, and you don't get a cent of alimony. Tough? Yes...but you are the one cheating. You think ANY marriage, even one to a "soul mate", can continue without hard work on both parts? You are in a FANTASY LAND, girl. And you are about ready to enter the House of HORRORS!

Cheffy:

I 2uestion your authenticity. Not just the fact that you aren't "real" with your own family, but whether you're a real person with real problems, versus a low-life internet troll.

Sorry, moderators, for the DJ.

"But I turned out ok."

No, it is clear that you DID NOT 2rn out OKAY. Your current behavior is the unfor2nate end-product of the sad choices you've been subjected 2 yourself growing up.

Now, you think that it's okay 2 do the same harm 2 your family, simply because you are so hardened that you can't feel what was done 2 you (and thus don't think it'll bother them all that much in the long haul?).

Penny Tupy 2uotes Frank Pittman on her website. I love this 2uote!:

“Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It’s supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy, rather than wasting your adulthood looking for structure”. ….. Frank Pittmam

I will go a small step farther than previous posters, and say 2 you that, based on what you've told us, your OM is PROBABLY a sexual predator and WILL BE a danger 2 your children, if you should hook up with him.

Even in the best possible circumstances, you have no better than a 5% chance of being 2gether in 5 years. Think you'll beat the odds?

all the best, you'll need it,
-ol' 2long

Cheffy,
You may want to have a background check done on your OM. It could be interesting. Who knows...but wouldn't you want to have more info before you stake your future 'happiness' on this guy?

Cheffy,

I was almost 40 years old when my XH and I married 4 years ago. I dated quite a bit before I married and know what's out there. I also, because of my profession and acquaintances/friends in law enforcement, know how charmingly deceptive people can be. Have you had a background check done on Mr. Wonderful? Are you even sure that Mr. Wonderful IS single? Are you sure he doesn't have a criminal background? Are you sure what he's told you is the truth? Back in my late 20's, I went out with a man several times who was in law enforcement and knew many people that I knew, so I believed he was honest, credible, etc. He told me he was divorced. One night we were out with his partner. His partner had had too much to drink and was crying about a girl that had just broke up with him. In tears, he asked me why his life can't be more like his partner's (the guy I was out with), "He's got a pretty wife, a nice house, he even has a dog." The next day I went down to the local probate court and established that he was VERY married. It ended there. Would you believe he became quite angry at me for "invading his privacy?" You can't take people on face value....

Next thing...do you think the day he met up with you on that adult site it was his first time on that site? The first time he "connected" with a woman from that or any other site? Doubtful. AND if you believe all the lines of baloney he is feeding you, you are VERY naive. My experience has been that when a man tells you that all the girls he meets are "fake" or "conceited" etc., it really means he is a player and he doesn't want you to know it. Have you been out to visit where he lives? Have you been at his house to see his lifestyle? Met his family? Met his friends? Does he have friends? How old is he? What does he do for a living? Have you confirmed that? What is his employment history like? Does he show stability that way?

There are SO many alarm bells going off from the things you have said in your post...why does he move around alot? Why hasn't he planned for his future like your H? Or do you even know whether he's planned for his future? If he hasn't, what are you going to do when retirement time comes? If you are in your 20's or 30's you may think oh that's a long time off and you still have time. Let me tell you....It creeps up on you REAL fast. Also, most companies require not just that your each a certain age but also that you have a certain number of years in before you can retire....for example, to retire at 55 in my company, you need to have 25 years of service. If you think you'll live on Social Security, think again. First, if you don't contribute to Social Security, you can't receive it when you reach the set age and being a SAHM, my guess would be you haven't. Secondly, listen to the news...repeatedly, you will hear how meager Social Security is....that is if it hasn't gone bankrupt by the time you reach the set age.

With regard to your children...you don't deserve to be their mother. A true mother puts her children first above all else, including her own needs. You are VERY VERY selfish. How do you know Mr. Wonderful is really going to be the good guy you think he is when your children are around him 24/7? How do you know he isn't a child molester or abuser? Will you have to work when you and Mr. Wonderful finally hook up? By the way, don't count on alimony to carry you through...it ain't that much in today's world unless your H is EXTREMELY well off. Also, some states don't even award alimony (mine doesn't until you've been married many many years). What type of work will you do since you have been a SAHM for so very long? It certainly won't be one that earns 100's of thousands of dollars a year.

Get a grip on it girl...you are bored. Instead of finding a boyfriend, use your time productively putting your marriage back together.

Can't comment much now. Except that I know alot more about this man than you guys think I know. And if you knew how terrible it was here you'd probably tell me why I waited so long to leave.

I've thought about this too.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: Cheffy ]</small>

Cheffy:

I think you know a lot LESS than you think you do. Don't get upset now. *I* knew a lot less than I thought I did, 2.

What are your intentions? Because if you are determined 2 trash your family, there are better places 2 go for support for that kind of thing. If you want 2 save your M, then this the right place 2 be, but you've got a LOT 2 learn before you can begin.

best,
-ol' 2long