Unless your H was physically abusive, I'd say that your marriage probably wasn't any worse than many of our marriages were pre-A.

Many of us felt lonely, unfulfilled, hopeless at times. That was before we had the tools to rectify those situations. That was before the awareness that marriages can truly be rebuilt even after a devastating A or even more than one A, or even both spouses having A's.

I know it is hard to believe, really, too many people trash their marriages way to soon. Before they've made a real effort to fix the problems.

Even you can have a wonderful, fulfilling, rewarding marriage and family life. Give your H a chance to prove to you that he can see his part in the demise of your relationship.

We can change for the better. We can learn tools that can lead to a happier marriage. It would be so much better to build that in your current marriage, with the father of your children than believe that this fantasy man can rise to the occasion to love you and your kids as you dream.
Bottom line is that he can't. No other man will love your kids as their father does.

If you are so dead set at destroying your family, you be the one to leave and let your H have full custody of your children. Go off and find your presumed 'happiness' with your affair partner.

I predict the eventual demise of that fantasy...once the bubble bursts and reality sets in. Consider yourself forwarned!

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

But they are kids and very resiliant.

Classic WS Fog talk to justify their behaviour.

Let me tell you that my X said those exact same words. And off he went on his merry way.

Three years later I STILL have to deal with my children and their LACK of resilience. They are CHILDREN. How on earth do you expect them to accept the destruction of their family unit?

Two of my babies are the same age as yours. I can guarantee you that if you split, you wil be stunned at how the children do NOT handle this. My X is, but it took him all these years to realise the damage he has done.

Stop being selfish and DO something to save your marriage. That is what this board is for.

Can we say troll?

Cheffy:

Can we change the subject a little? Give you something 2 think about? Maybe see we're not just a bunch of EAing fools? Like maybe we really do care about your happiness?

Tell us a little about yourself. Not personal stuff, just what kind of person you are.

What kinds of things excite you?

What are your values?

What are the "little things" that make you smile?

best,
-ol' 2long

This is a horrid thread. I think 2long is right on by insinuating that there might be a troll in our midst.

Translation of original post:
I've just trashed my marriage and want to build another one with my latest internet boyfriend...any and all advise appreciated.

I'm sure the two of you will be very happy together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ba109:

I hope I'm wrong about that initial impression.

-ol' 2long

Cheffy:

"And if you knew how terrible it was here you'd probably tell me why I waited so long to leave."

Care 2 enlighten us? If you were being physically abused, the right advice 2 give you WOULD BE for you 2 get out FAST. However. HOWEVER, nobody here would recommend you go from there in2 an affair.

So, how terrible was it?

Why did you wait so long 2 leave?

Why did you CHOOSE 2 lie and cheat?

What do you hope 2 accomplish?

How do you propose 2 better EVERYONE's lot in life with this?

-ol' 2long

2long,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope I'm wrong about that initial impression.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope so too....but it ain't looking good at this point.

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

I am sorry about this thread. I was angry at first. I believe the pain that is going on here.

And you are right about some things. I am not trying to justify what I'm doing. I should have ended it before this happened.

I was hurt too. I hanged on when I should have ended it. Now I've found someone else and it looks like he is the cause.

I shouldn't have done the things I've done, but I felt like I had too. This marriage is over, but I don't want to discourage you from saving yours. THat is why I lurked here for months maybe. I tried what I read, but still don't want to stay with husband.

I won't post anymore. Again, I was angry at some of the responses. I read where other BS here are calling it quits and moving on. I felt betrayed too, even if it wasn't the infidelity thing. whatever a troll is I'm not one.

Good luck.

Cheffy....I was very sympathetic towards you but the minute I read that you are actually expecting your husband to pay you alimony I lost that sympathy.

I chose to leave my husband but i didnt take a single penny of his money for me nor did I ask him to sell his home. I left because I didnt want to be with him. I trained to become a teacher so that I could be self respecting and look after myself. the only money I accepted for him was for my children. he wasnt a freat husband but nor did he deserve for me to leave him and there was no way I was going to make him pay for that!

If he leaves me now (after asking me to come back) it will be a different story.

My advice is that if you truly dont want to be with your husband that you make preparations to be able to support ypurself and live alone for a while. Then you will truly know who you are and what you want.

Incidently...while I was separated I had a 7 month long relationship with a guy who turned out to be married (told me he was widowed, even gave me the tel number of his fax machine and told his wife not to plug it in as he was working on it). I have met many geniune ppl from teh internet but there are a lot of fakes out there too. Please be very careful...dont fully trust any guy til youve met his mother!

I don't buy Cheffy either. The excuses are too textbook. Cheffy, if you're real, I mean no disrespect. It's all just a little hard to swallow. You're using the most common fogese phrases like you're picking them off the list.

I want to be happy and H can't do it.
H has made changes but it's too late.
OM is my soulmate.
H and I should have never been married.
H doesn't trust me.
Since I met OM I realize how miserable I've been.
I've hurt H but it's too late to fix that.
Kids are resilient.
I don't love my H anymore.
H is trying to turn the kids against me.
I've thought about this.

If you know so much, and you're real, how can you say these things and not know that they are bogus, easy answers meant to justify something evil? Granted, the story seems to hold together, more or less.

Why did you get married? To feel "in love" until you died? You will not. Not with anybody. Don't you think maybe your affair is making your mind play tricks on itself so you can deal with the guilt of betraying your H and throwing your children into a nightmare? What makes you think OM is trustworthy? He's having sex with you, a married woman with children, and lives far away. How has he earned your trust?

I've spent too much time on this. I still don't believe it.

GC

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong>I want to be happy and H can't do it.
H has made changes but it's too late.
OM is my soulmate.
H and I should have never been married.
H doesn't trust me.
Since I met OM I realize how miserable I've been.
I've hurt H but it's too late to fix that.
Kids are resilient.
I don't love my H anymore.
H is trying to turn the kids against me.
I've thought about this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC - on the other hand, there's ample evidence that these lines are programmed in on the Mothership. Including a few you left out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Chef - can I have your kids? Guaranteed that if they'd be happier AWAY from your husband and with a happy Mom - they'd be WAY happier and healthier with me than you, given that I have some integrity and can set examples that you can't. Further, since I lost a child, I'd appreciate them WAY more that you possibly can, based on your self-described behavior.

Yes. Please think of your kids. You are their MOM, and the only one they've got. They need you too much for you to go chasing an internet fantasy. They are worth more and so are you.

Please don't do this to them.


Weaver

it *IS* 2 late.

She's gone folks.

Ashes 2 ashes, trolls 2 trolls...

...that doesn't flow very well, does it?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
-ol' 2long

Still lurking about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

2long, I didn't know what you meant when you said I only visited two posts... i only posted on two threads you mean. I did read others. I didn't add comments. This is my first day.

i didn't think i could anything worthwhile to them.

Graycloud, your right. I read alot of the articles on this site and realized that is alot of how I felt.

And what is a troll. Other people here have been divorced. Does that make me a troll? Or them a torll?

The OM really has nothing to do with it. Except I think I can have a succesfull happy relationship with him. He lets me be me.

I'll just lurk. I wasn't looking for help to end my marriage. Doing that well enough with help from my husband.

As far as alimony. I contributed to this household too. Maybe not through working, but I took care of the house and stuff.

If you are real, you need to know that most women who leave their husbands end up much worse off in every way.


You say you have identified a couple of areas where you might have done better or differently.

Why not work on those things for a while and see if it helps.

If you really have been lurking, you have read the stuff about EN's.

You might try some of the things you have read about before you throw in the towel .

At least give it a shot.

Better yet------how have you contributed to taking care of the house and kids when you are on the internet and phone with OM all the time. You don't mention your kids at all. Do you know where they are right now??????????
I will be they are probably with that horrible H of yours!

Cheffy, It is so easy and so obvious to all of us looking into your life the mistakes you are making...chasing an Internet sweet-talkin man and leaving behind a husband that has worked hard for you and your family...that I am sure loves you...

But you see, we can see clearly into your life since we are not in the fog that you are in!

Think back to when you were first married....were you happy and in love then?
That can be retrieved with honest effort on both of your parts.
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
P.S. We care about you and just hate to see you make this huge mistake....writing loving e-mails is almost like writing a fiction romance novel....you feel free to say ANYTHING...it is similar to a fantasy life....it is just not real life, dear Cheffy!

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

I doubt very much the fingers typing for Cheffy are female. Lack of motherly sensitivity, for one.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Kayla, I thought I was talking about my situation. Not my children.

I love my kids more than anything, and I'm proud of them and myself for the way they have been raised. I frequently get compliments from school and strangers about how well mannered they are.

I'm the one who drives them everywhere, takes them to the doctor and to school and to the store. I'm the one who washes their cloths and feeds them. They have been my life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cheffy:
<strong>I'm the one who drives them everywhere, takes them to the doctor and to school and to the store. I'm the one who washes their cloths and feeds them. They have been my life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why are you willing to lose them?

WAT