</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Kayla, I thought I was talking about my situation. Not my children.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you don't think they are a part of this situation? Dh tried that when he was living in Foggiland, also. Tried to tell me that no matter what, the kids are first, then continued the A. Once my daughter began crying every time he walked out the door, once my 4 year old son began acting out in agressivness (because at 4 he had no life experiences or words to express the scariness and anger he was feeling), he realized there is no line of demarcation between a parent and his/her children...They ARE part of you and will be dragged into this nightmare no matter how hard you try to sheild them from it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love my kids more than anything, and I'm proud of them and myself for the way they have been raised. I frequently get compliments from school and strangers about how well mannered they are. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you ARE a good mother? But, that's the past...really and truly. If you continue on this path that you've set your feet upon, it will stay in the past...YOU WILL NO LONGER BE CONSIDERED A GOOD MOTHER. Really. Your children will figure it out...and they'll carry your stigmata in their very souls forever. They might be able to get past it....but it'll take a long time and a lot of hard work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm the one who drives them everywhere, takes them to the doctor and to school and to the store. I'm the one who washes their cloths and feeds them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to the world. Sorry. I can't give you kudos for being a MOTHER. It was in the job description when you decided to remain pg. So you're telling us that your h doesn't help? Even so, NONE OF US ARE GUARENTEED ANY HELP. Pick out one lady anywhere that has kids and I can promise you they've got some issues with their dh - the rest of us take a pro-active stance with the issues - not hide our heads in the sands of Foggiland.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They have been my life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I refer you to my first paragraph. Your kids are your life....hmm. Boy your life/kids must not be worth much to you if you throw them willy nilly to the wind to chase this fantasy.

Does Mr. Wonderful (om) know you have kids? I am SO very scared for your babies. God TRUSTED you with these people, and you are throwing His trust in you in His face. PROTECT THEM! Stop the A at least till you D....AT LEAST! Your kids don't deserve this! They don't deserve to have their faith in their mommy crumble...it will...maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow....but once they figure it out....OY VEY!!!!!!!!!!

Sending a flare prayer up for your WHOLE family!

- Kimmy

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:36 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

LMH, I didn't wake up and decide that I loved my husband. Exactly the opposite, I realized I didn't love him.

I am getting something out of these posts. I am impressed with the commitment you have chosen. But I have seen people here also choose the Divorce path. That is what I have chosen. I don't know if it will work out with my friend, but I know that it might and it might be soooo incredible.

Either way I'll be away from my husband and this marriage. I will take care of my kids and will be fine. It will be work but I am looking forward to it. I can work and look forward to being independent.

Cheffy,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you strike me as someone who is a bit naive about how the affair thing works.

1) You are having an affair. Regardless of how you feel about it, it is an affair. Depending on where you live, this could even be a crime. Are you a criminal, Cheffy?

2) Many recovering WSs here would tell you that their marriages were doomed and they thought they had fallen "in love" with their "soulmate". We see what's happening to you in a way that you can't. Do you know what a soulmate is, Cheffy?

3) You haven't done as much to save your marriage as you pretend. You've been lurking for a while but never thought to ask for help? Now you expect us to help you with your boyfriend? No, we won't help you destroy your life.

You say the OM has nothing to do with your marriage problems, but at the same time you say that you didn't know how bad things were until you met this OM. Now which is it?

You owe it to your H and your kids to try to work this out with your H.

I know a woman who was just like you. She was married to a successful architect. She was a SAHM. She lived in a big house. Met a man on the internet and insisted on divorcing her H for him.

Do you know where she is today? She is living in a run down apartment - alone - waiting on her internet man to marry her.

Her ex-H is remarried and has sole custody of the kids. They are happy. She is miserable.

What makes you think you won't end up just like her in five years?

I'd bet a year's salary that this ain't going to turn out like you think it will.

Do right, Cheffy. The world is cold and heartless and has a way of "educating" you very quickly. You can avoid that if you want to.

Low

Cheffy:

"2long, I didn't know what you meant when you said I only visited two posts... i only posted on two threads you mean. I did read others. I didn't add comments. This is my first day."

When I looked, which wasn't long after you'd joined for the first time, you had "visited" only your threads, Tom Joad's thread, and the MB Photo thread. You seemed very interested in Tom's thread and sitch, relatively knowledgeable about it, and interested in the fact that he posted his pic2re there (and said you might post yours there). It seemed 2 big a coincidence 2 me that you knew so much about him even though you are so new 2 the forum. I thought you might be his WW, or someone else who knows him personally.

"Graycloud, your right. I read alot of the articles on this site and realized that is alot of how I felt."

You aren't familiar with a lot of the concepts though. It shows in what you say about your sitch.

"And what is a troll. Other people here have been divorced. Does that make me a troll? Or them a torll?"

What makes someone a troll is coming 2 a marriage building site with no intention of learning the concepts and applying it 2 your own life. A troll is someone that loves 2 argue, and has no intention of learning anything in the process. THat's why I pointed out that there are other places where people desirous of deceiving their spouses and destroying their family's lives could go.

"The OM really has nothing to do with it. Except I think I can have a succesfull happy relationship with him. He lets me be me."

This is one statement that shows me you haven't read the materials here. ALL OP do this! It's in their MO. In truth, YOU decide who you want 2 be and be that. Nobody else can let you or not let you be who you are. Who are you? (not WHAT are you. There's a difference).

"I'll just lurk. I wasn't looking for help to end my marriage. Doing that well enough with help from my husband."

I doubt very much he's even aware that he's "helping" you. Why not let him know what you're doing, if you want "help"?

-ol' 2long

22bbllee ppoosstt!!

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Cheffy,

In reading your posts, I've noticed one thing that you mentioned more on the sideline and that nobody here has mentioned yet in their mails, but I think it is of great importance. You mentioned early in your posts that you were angry and felt betrayed because your husband was looking at internet pornography. While this may not be a big deal to some women, I know that other women feel very much betrayed and hurt by this and it can have a great impact on marital life/sex life.

Please tell us more about what happened in your marriage because I think there is a lot that you are burying. We are all trying to help you and we don't want to leave one stone unturned to get you help, no matter which way this will all turn.

Please email back with some more detailed information about you, your husband and your relationship together. It will help us understand what is going on.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can work and look forward to being independent.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you've already got a job? Got money saved?

I hope so - d'ya think all that alimony is gonna land in your lap right when you kick hubby out or whatever? D'ya think after he's gone he's gonna shell out $ right and left (excepting for the children, of course) just because you don't have a job? D'ya think Mr. Wonderful is gonna help you out?

MAN! I can only imagine the color of the sky in Foggiland....'cause it's got to be wonderful to live there, where "what-might-bes'" are worth risking your children's welfare and futures for.

- Kimmy

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Cheffy,

I beg to differ with your statement that nobody who has posted to you is divorced I am. My XH's OW was a girl he knew in high school. They reconnected via the internet and had a relationship that consisted, mostly, of e-mails, instant message conversations and phone calls. She came here to visit once and my XH went and lived with her where she lives for 6 months. Two months ago, my XH left me for OW. Today OW instant messaged me to tell me that she and XH are through. I think that both now realize that they were living in a fantasy and once they were forced to face day to day life without a horrible awful spouse in the picture (that would be me) that they truly weren't each other's soul mates.

Now, with regard to your comment: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Either way I'll be away from my husband and this marriage. I will take care of my kids and will be fine. It will be work but I am looking forward to it. I can work and look forward to being independent</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had a dime for everytime my XH said that to me, I'd be rich. XH will now tell you that he was absolutely, positively wrong on that point. He is not happy on his own. He is not working, has no money, does not get to see our son as much as he would like and misses the life he had. You see, life was not greener on the other side of the fence (or, in his instance, other side of the pond). As for me, the BS, I work full-time in a very rewarding executive position making a very substantial living to which he is entitled to not one cent. I am full-time Mom and part-time Dad to our son. I am moving forward with my life.

Also, I have asked my very dear friend, Lisa in London, who is a very insightful, longtime poster to read and respond to you. Lisa was the wayward wife. She chose to divorce. Perhaps she can give you some insights.....She is at work now, but I've left her a message asking her to check in when she gets home tonight....Watch this space.

Wake up and smell the coffee...

Originally posted by graycloud:

"I've spent too much time on this. I still don't believe it."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ditto

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I didn't wake up and decide that I loved my husband. Exactly the opposite, I realized I didn't love him.
Didja notice that this was about the time that you started doing the internet affair thingy?
Do you think that was simply a coincidence?

But I have seen people here also choose the Divorce path
And it is almost always after they have actually done something for their marriage (besides having an affair).

I don't know if it will work out with my friend, but I know that it might and it might be soooo incredible.
So could your marriage. Why not give that an HONEST effort?

Either way I'll be away from my husband and this marriage. I will take care of my kids and will be fine.
Why are you so sure you will get the children?

look forward to being independent
Huh?
You are going to be with someone else even before your current relationship has ended? Where is the "independence" in that?

Pep - I'm within seconds of you and gray. But this must be said - whether Cheffy is a trolling WW of Tom, or just here for kicks.

Cheffy - I'm a daughter of a wayward wife who believed children are resilient - that her actions against my father had no impact on me or my brothers and sisters. And she couldn't be more wrong.

We're not resilient. We eventually grow up and see how criminally selfish our parents can be when it comes to ignoring the physical and mental wellbeing of their children.

See what happens the next time you fear your innocent child might reveal your deceitful behavior to someone you desperately want to respect you... or to someone who already sees you as a sl^t and wouldn't hesitate to gossip all over the place.

Good mothers don't cheat on their husbands, no matter how unhappy they are in their marriage. They work to fix the marriage or, in the case of abuse, get a divorce. They set a good example for their children of commitment to do the right thing, rather than the selfish thing. They don't go running around the internet or real life like some teeny-bopper-in-heat!

ka:

I'm right behind you!!!

Cheffy may be a real person with a real problem... ...or not.

Regardless, nothing that's been said in 5 pages has made a dent in her(his, its) thinking.

I'm done.

-ol' 2long

My mistake...


...6 pages!

-ol' 2long

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Just read this whole thread again. It was terrible and wonderful at the same time.

What great responses, made me feel good to read them. Great advice, and great insight. But maybe I'm biased <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cheffy I did want to observe one thing. You said your the one who drives them everywhere, doctor, school, store, etc. Well your were a SAHM. While you did this your husband was probably working.

Did he come home and tell you he was working all the time and wanted you to do his work of supporting the family? Or did he tell you that you should concentrate on the raising the kids and he would concentrate on financial support. And you also said he was "go go go" when it came to vacations and fun. Was that because he treasured that time and wanted to do as much as possible before having to work again?

I could have been more help at home I guess. But I felt like my wife wanted me to work, and then come home and do the shopping and cleaning too. Maybe that's wrong, or maybe it isn't.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Given half a chance I'll bet your husband could/would be the best husband (as well as father to his kids) that you could ever imagine.

The OM will never be able to fill his shoes.

Just why did the OM tell you he has moved around so much...never stayed in one place very long?
If that is a predictor of your future with him, I seriously doubt you will have much security by choosing to give up your life with your family for this selfish fantasy of presumed hot illicit sex, ecstasy, and your flimsy definition of 'soulmate'.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a woman who is making life choices that will be honorable, that you can be proud of, that your children will respect you for? It would really be sad for all concerned that you are making some of the biggest mistakes of your life.

Well Mz Cheffy, you sound a lot like another WS I know. SAHM and thinks more of yourself than even your children.

Thinks she can go to work and be a better mom, be independent and make the A work into an R. How can being a single parent make you better? Real single parents have to work very hard. The pretend ones fall apart. Independent? What does that mean? Where are you going to get your independent $$ to have your independent lifestyle? When are you going to have time in your independent lifestyle to accomodate the OM as you have been doing?

Your OM willing to play independent step dad on your visitiation time with your children? Or are you planning to be like another WS who lied to the court to get their children away from their dad (who is the BS here @ MB who is serving in the armed forces), just for childsupport $$ and then proceedes to leave them with her mother. She's independent also. She shacks up with an overweight variety store career stock shelf man. What a winner she got. He drinks and smokes pot. What a lifetyle for her lovely children. You call that independence???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Have you had any plastic upgrades?

Good thing children are resillient.? Your children will probably need a lot of IC time, figure that into your budget. But they need to be resillient , that way when your H finds a good W, they will appreciate the love and attention a real mom who cares for her family will give. I'll bet your children and H have done without for a long time. I feel sorry for them.

As for you, well sounds more like you need to go out there and be with the OM. Make sure you don't take anything of your family with you. You seem to have already abandoned your family emotionally and morally.

Do you plan to take your H's $$ also? If so, how can we warn him?

U and your kind are disgusting. You are a mother and wife but all you can think about is 'your happiness'.

You are shallow in your thinking. Your happiness will disappear in a puff of smoke somewhere in Las Vegas after the lightbulbs burn out. You will be a lonely woman who will look longinly at real happy families and wonder how yours are doing.

This other WS is getting herself to that point. What she is giving up are 4 lovely children plus a loving and supportive H.

If you want to save your M and improve yourself, you need to get with a good IC or MC, do some major reading (his needs/her needs - by Dr W. Harley), put the interests of your children and H ahead of your own, take the EN questionnaire and visit your doctor to check out for chemical imbalance or depression issues. You've got major issues, lady. Your need for independence will only add to it.

L.

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 01:42 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Cheffy,
I don't have much time here now and haven't been on the computer in days so I missed this thread. (out of town company here_)

Your story sounds much like mine. I started my internet affair six years ago. It ended up turning into an 'in person' affair--occassionally--and then the OM moved near me. In the meantime I separated--husband moved out--and we divorced. I too was basically a SAHM when the A started.

Read my threads if you want to read about your future.

The affair and internet junk was the biggest error of my life. I can't believe I was such an idiot.

In reality, a ridiculous fantasy was more important to me than my family. That is the truth for you, too, it seems.

You're lucky, you're here now. Cheffy, I didn't come here until my divorce was almost final. In fact, I didn't post until AFTER it was final. It took a long time for my exhusband to return to me, and we're now happily remarried. We were living apart for 3 1/2 years. You're mistaken if you think you can have an affair, get sick of it, and then snap your fingers and your husband will come back. It didn't work that way for me, and it probably won't for you.

Trust me, your internet 'boyfriend' is a joke. I know it hurts to hear it, but it's true. You must come back to reality before the damage is done any worse than it has been done.

I endured tremendous pain for having the affair and divorce, and it's all my fault..I know that. I don't want anyone else to go through that, including YOU. My children went through a lot too, and my husband too. I ache at the pain I caused them.

You have a good man who works a lot. Mine was the same way. He still is. But he loves me, and he's real. This internet thing is a joke. I can't say any more than that. Stop it before it's too late.

Get a few hobbies and start staying busy with constructive things that involve your children. Find a few more close female friends. Women who don't have close female friends are ripe territory for affairs.

Sorry I can't be more succinct, not much time here.

Take care and please read my threads to see the path that lies ahead if you remain on this destructive fantasy path.

HP