How do I determine if my husband has a sex addiction? He has not had sex with anyone else since we have been married (I believe him). But there has been plenty of internet "chatting" and he has met at least one woman through the internet. He says he likes the feeling he gets from talking to people and them thinking he is funny, smart, sext etc. The way I am feeling is the same as if he has had a sexual affair. We have been married for 7 years and I am 9 months pregnant with our 3rd child. I have discovered the internet chat subscriptions and the OW he met from playing euchre online just in the passed month.

He admits he had issues with the internet but said he has put it all behind him now. He doesn't want to lose me and says he will make it all up to me and the boys. He says he loves me and ready to move on and put this all behind us. I am having trouble doing that. And with a new baby only days away, how will I have the time and energy to work on our marriage?

Hi. There you are again. Well first you have to figure out if you can trust that he did not have a physical affair. His stories of spending time with the OW, but not having sex don't ring true to me.

I think he would have to go to an expert to see if he has a sex addiction. But part of that disease, in fact the most important part is all of the planning, and fantasizing about it.

But you have a problem whatever it is, because it is inappropriate behavior, and harmful to your marriage.

By the way, things like this happen to lots of pregnant women - see kloe, durham, sadmary and others. What is up with that? I don't know.

You are right - it is completely inappropriate whatever the reason he is doing it. It is so hurtful that sometimes I feel I can't bear it.

I have always had wonderful pregnancies with no real problems so I was never complaining. I did not withhold sex during pregnancy either so it is not like he had to go looking elsewhere. There is a need or needs that he is not getting - he is in the process of doing his ENQ.

I need to re-read what DH says about addictions.

Hmmmm. Well whatever it is, we can help you.

Well first of all coming from experience - I could and never get enough sexual fulfillment. Addicted ? i say no wife says yes. but she was as bad as me before kids after she lost desire. I had an EA on the net and was caught stopped it told her why i was and things got a little more frequent in the bedroom. Then other things intruded on our alone time and we both went on with our lives and i fell into the computer to "get away and give her space. The problem was the computer / online games took up most of my time. the computer became the other woman so to speak. I never did the chat thing again though and she knew that. She never at least she never told me directly she had a problem with the "porn" but in the end no matter what games cam watching the computer was the mistress.
After she had had enough and felt neglected for so long and let it build so long she wanted out. The major thing was the computer and internet. I tried to negotiate a settlement agreeable to both to no avail so i sucked it up pulled the comp apart and got rid of the internet.

Mind you i am busting my butt everyday to do the things i wasnt doing before and slowly it "seems" to be working and she is coming around some days good somedays bad. We went to a new Christian MC and she really likes her so thats a plus she didnt like the other one we went too.

My suggestion is ask you mate to cease all use of the net and computer. unplug it or better yet if need be sit there with him to monitor it whatever it takes. I have to use the net at work but this is the only non work related site i go to.

the funny part is i did a minor LB the other night but then again it might have been a test on her part we talked and she said ya know i kinda miss the net being able to browse Ebay and QVC i looked her dead in the eye and said Hun i am really sorry but it too soon for it and i am not ready to handle it right now. Se looked at me nodded and smiled.

Been computer free at home for almost three months and you know what - i've seen things ive never seen before like trees and grass and birds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there but nip the comp in the bud.

Some other folks dealing with SA on the forum? Drucilla and Roberta61, check their posts (usually over on the recovery board).

Patrick Carnes literally wrote the book on Sex Addiction, and he's got an informative web page.

Is he or isn't he? I think you have to look at the events that have occurred and say for your situation. The examples in Carnes book seem pretty extreme.

In my case I believe my H has issues with sex that could be a compulsion or addiction (he doesn't admit to an addiction so these are the words we use).

He uses sex (or acts out) with means other than using me when he is under stress or feeling guilty. Feels ashamed about his sex away from me and tries to hide it (but will leave things out...?) Sexual contact has escalated over the years.

When we were first M I did not know of how often or what means he used to masturbate with. I figured it was a natural act and when I found means he had used (magazines) left out, it didn't bother me. He would go on-line and join bulletin boards (precursor to internet chats) and i suspected he would cyber (sex-talk) with people, but we never discussed it.

After son was born and started toddling around, I asked him to put up magazines so son wouldn't see them...not to leave them lying around when he was finished. This is when the trouble for me started and I began realizing what a problem it was. He would NOT put it up (even after promising he would) and would leave out evidence of his ..... From evidence I noticed he was manually sexual at LEAST once a week or more. He downloaded porn, there were times when he would have half a hard drive full. When son was 3 he became computer savvy and had learned to click around to find games. I was worried about folders he would open up and asked H to remove all porn form computers when he was finished. I also asked H to take the tape out of the VCR when he was done (son had learned to hit play in the mornings to watch a tape). This became a constant battle. Never did I ask him to STOP, just to put it away, but that's not what H heard.

For the next 3 years it became more of a battle, every time I found something out (once every few months) he would make another promise (I'll get rid of, throw out, never use again...) He made rules for himself, and didn't seem to follow them, then got mad at me for what I was "making" him do. We had to remove internet from computers, I began throwing away tapes when they were left around, and the box of mags that was left on the porch for 6 months I gave to his friend (he promised he would DO somthing with them).

Grrrr, this gets me angry thinking of it again.

Then two years ago he started cybering, meeting girls on-line and basically having internet sex with them, planning to meet them, and sending back and forth naked pictures of each other. I found out and was devastated, this was crossing the line. Porn had never been this personal. Our first D-day. He accused me of not having enough sex with him...which was ironic because this was a time in our M we were having the most sex 2 to 3X week or more.

Then last year it was a real person he met at a convention, started emailing and met twice for dates where, he said, they only necked...

Does this seem like a compulsion? I think so, he's not able to stop when he promises he will...either he's making promises he doesn't intend to keep, or not able to tell himself 'no'.
And the addiciton tends to feed itself. He seems to seek sexual gratification when he is particularly stressed (when his job is stressful, I'm unhappy, etc.) and the more he ventures into porn-world the more stressed and ashamed he becomes and then he needs that release/escape even more.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but does this help?

In my view my H has a compulsion with sex that goes beyond normal, something he's not able to control. He's not willing to admit it either. And I know it's only a matter of time before he goes back to it again...

I stay until I can't stay any longer.

StillMakingIt Here

Back again.

I am sorry to hear of what you are going through. My H's behavior is not extreme and I believe that he doesn't have a sex addiction. He gets Playboy (for the articles) and goes to strip clubs more than I like which is a problem for us but not an excessive amount. He has gone on internet dating sites and even met one woman that he chatted with there. I think it would have been sexual if her sister had not been with her when they met - thank goodness. I read some of their emails and although there was little mention of her H or me they did talk about kids, what they were doing etc. Some flirting but not any real what I would call 'cyber sex'.

I think he got caught up in the internet dating sites (and he even admits as much) but swears he will stop because I and our marriage mean more than that stuff. He seemed to like the attention. He is a very social person and likes to know that woman find him good-looking, smart, funny etc. I think all these things about him and more but I guess I stopped telling him after we were married. I didn't realize that was a need for him (we are working on our ENQ). He says this need is superceded by the need to be my husband and father to our boys (I am due with 3rd one in 1 1/2 weeks.

My struggle right now is believing what he says and promises. Once you have been lied to (about internet sites, going to strip clubs, passed EA's)by someone who promised to never let you down, it is hard to trust again.

That is my biggest hurdle. To stop all the 'movies in my mind' of him talking to women, getting lap dances, flirting on-line and real-time etc.

I hope things get better for you and H.

Hang in there.