OK, I don't really know the actual percentage. Can someone help me on this? But if "most" affairs actually do end then why are we concerned. Is it because we are afraid we will end up in that less than 25% range? I know I sure am. Or is it it's just taking so damn long for the thing to end in the first place?

Any comments?

I think the number is less than 25%. But regardless, just because an affair ends does not mean that the marriage will recover.

And yes, many of us end up in the minority. But regardless, this doesn't mean we eventually think of our selves as less better off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

The A partners have less than a 5% chance of getting married and being happy. I guess we shouldn't worry. But in the meantime it is H%%%.

I don't think the issue is the succes of other relationship or H A that is of concern to us. It is chances of saving our M and healing within that is so difficult. Percentages also mean nothing to the individual. Who cares if 90% of marriages end a certain way if you fall in the 10%. Your life has no percentages attached, it has its own issues and your unique ways to resolve them with the wisdom of those who have travelled similar paths.
S

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: arty ]</small>

Hmmm..good question..let's see....ok, here goes my theory..each individual affair has only a small chance of surviving [by surviving I mean that your spouse leaves you and goes off to successfully make a life with OW/OM]. {clears throat} However, I think it is cause for concern because 1)it is showing you that your marriage is in peril regardless of the chance for a successfull long term relationship with the other party, and 2)affairs closely resemble addictions. So if your spouse just did a little bit of heroin, and you thought that the odds were in favor that at some point they would move on...you would still be stuck living with an addict and experiencing all of the danger that implies..you worry for their life, and your future..you worry about risks they are taking for which you may end up suffering [coughstdcough]. Those are just a few examples of concern for individual affairs..now..let's take a moment to think about what the addictive nature of an affair might mean for your life and the future of your marriage if you just rely on the odds that this particular affair will end. Failure of an affair to go the distance does not guarantee the survival of the marriage, after all..the WS has found a handy outlet. The affair felt good, relieved stress, and removed a portion of that pesky reality..the chances of looking for a new opportunity to engage is no doubt high..then you have a serial offender. What does this mean for the BS? A lifetime sentence of uncertainty, rejection, anxiety, and betrayal..or if they choose to end the relationship..the loss of someone they have cared for deeply enough to exchange lifelong vows with. It isn't a choice between a good option and a bad one..it is a choice between cutting off your right arm or your left, either way you are maimed for life. I think that may be why affairs are taken so seriously despite that they are obviously rooted in fantasy and have a high probability of failure.

noodle - You are exactly right. The chances of an affair lasting are very bad. But what does that say about the marriage? Most of us (BS's) are going to move on, since we can't trust WS.

Well I'm not sure of the percentages. I would say that any relationship, adulturous or otherwise has a small chance of succeeding if it is based on:

1. Deception
2. Secrecy
3. Selfishness
4. Lieing
5. Cheating

As to why we worry. I think Arty hit it on the head. We are worried that it is a mistake our marriages may not be able to recover from. And we worry because we still carry concern for our WS getting hurt. As well as the example it sets for our children.

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 08:57 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

I wish I could find the actual studies or articles that supported the stats I saw here floating around a long while ago.

I think I read that of the 5% of marriages that occur with the WS and the OP,97% fail so that leaves a 3% chance of a marriage working between the two.I'm not sure either just how long these marriages last.They're still originated from the pain and suffering of other's,that never changes.

Cyn,I think some of us worry because even though A's end,they may do so AFTER we are divorced when it's essentially too late and the WS has irrevocably changed.Or,as in my case,guilt ending A's doesn't seem to have impacted my WH too much.He is still going to risk it all on the hopes that it will work out with the homewrecker.She too is determined to have my husband.Afterall,she is 30 and up until now,has had miminal responsibilities,hasn't ever been married,has no children or home so she went out and took from another woman.No guilt there I am certain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

O

Most marriages ( 8 from 10 attempt recovery)do recover from the initial traumas associated with an adulterous affair...but trying to get to the real numbers would be near impossible. Affairs you can cut up like a cake...ONS's, serial affairs, sexual addictions, revenge affairs, exit affairs ,even internet affairs.


The latest I have read. .25%(yup thats point) of all affair couples are happy with their lifes choices...

And they may fall round these parts...there has been whisperings here a few months ago...because of the high rate of marital breakdown due directly to adultery...legistlation may be passed to give BS's the option of suing( both parties) ..the action being called...Gross Marital Misconduct. It came from I believe the family court..I just have to find out where and start lobbying.


I really do like that idea.

Max

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The affair felt good, relieved stress, and removed a portion of that pesky reality..the chances of looking for a new opportunity to engage is no doubt high..then you have a serial offender. What does this mean for the BS? A lifetime sentence of uncertainty, rejection, anxiety, and betrayal..or if they choose to end the relationship..the loss of someone they have cared for deeply enough to exchange lifelong vows with. It isn't a choice between a good option and a bad one..it is a choice between cutting off your right arm or your left, either way you are maimed for life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This so struck a cord. When my H wanted to leave a few months ago I told him he was chopping of his arm and now I will be asking him to leave because he lies to me and can not share all that happened with OW or keep NC.
So,I am know in a position of left or right arm. Which is the lesser painful axperience. Who know?
S