I am no longer willing to put up with my WW's continued EA.
I have decided to aske her to leave as a result her continued attempts to hide / quit the EA. I am unable to expose it at this stage for certain reasons.
what i wanted to know, is there a way in which I can tell WW that I have reached that point where the shame and the guilt are too much, and I want to end the Marriage and or ask her to leave whilst we are still on relatively good term. (No Kids involved).
Any advice on how to do this in a good way, I.E., not getting her so smoked up that I will be up to my armpits in Lawyers. In the past she has indicated that she wouldn't want to go litogation crazy either, but people do get in her ear...

I'm just curious about something.
In your signature, you say that you've been "best friends" for 9 years.
If this is true, how is it that you can't just be honest with her and say..."I love you but I am not willing to share you another day with someone else." and REALLY mean it?

That is a very good question. Sadly, I have been telling her. She seems to have chosen to continue the EA but denies it is happening or the effect its having on our marriage.
I still love her very much and have continually told her. But given that I have lost nearly 10Kilo's, got grey hairs starting to pop up, permananent stomach ache, not sleeping, and she continues the affair, I think that it's time I took the hint.

Just for the record, I don't hate WS but I am disspointed and ashamed of what has happened to us.
I really wish that I didn't have to be here thinking about how to tell WS that I think we have reached the crossroads and I beleive that we are basically beyond help becuase she refuses to end it.
I am not sure what I am going to say or how to say it, but the continuing EA is the final straw.
Like many poeple on this site, I feel like I am rotting from the inside at the moment. I keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing even though it will be very painful.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 01:07 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

I understand how painful it is and by all means, you don't have to take my advice but I believe by our own actions, we train or teach people how to treat us.
Simply by the fact that she refuses to aknowledge the fact the your marriage is in jeapardy over this, shows that she is in a really thick fog. That fog becomes like an obsession where everything is fine for her and she feels justified in some way for what she's doing.
Because you are still there and basically, by not reacting in some way, she may be perciving this as tolerance of her actions on your part.

Why cant you expose the A?

I can't expose the EA as she has stipulated that she will harm herself as a result of the shame, as well as another personal reason that I can't discuss at present. And, just for the record, I have never strayed and do not have a dark secret of a similar nature.

Renaissance Man,

If she felt shame.......she would feel it now??? Or now that I think about it....SHE SHOULD FEEL IT NOW!!!!

Sounds like Black-out time to me.....may be change the locks when you leave for a 48hr??

Atruheart

atruheart - Sorry, but I am not sure I follow. In between the postings, I actually presented her with the choices for moving ahead. Sadly from her lack of action, she has indicated that she would rather end our marriage, than the EA (that is supposedly not occuring).
Anyway, I now have an answer even if it was not the one that i hoped for. I can start rebuilding my life and eventually find someone that deserves and wants what I have to offer.

My wife said so many mean things to me too and it was all about her trying to protect her relationship with the OM. She said she would hate me forever, etc.

Reality is this, I started exposing her to people she knew. I called om's parents, her sister-in-law, her brother, and some of my relatives. I told her her work and parents were next. This started causing the A to crumble. Even after that she continued to keep her A alive because she felt she loved the OM.

It is absolutely crucial to expose the A for the sole purpose of disrupting the A. Eventually, NC was really applied by my FWW. It was only then that the marriage started rebounding. A few months later, we are pretty much back to our old marriage, yet we are wounded from the hard fought battle.

Call her bluff and begin the exposure. You have nothing to lose other than your relationship. She is in love, in her mind, with the OM anyway and you are out at this point. Exposure is your only chance to force the fantasy of the relationship into the reality of what the A is. Good luck. Read up on Dr. Harley's reasoning.

One more thing, the EA may lead into a PA so stop it early if you can. Once the PA kicks in, the it helps bonds the A even more. Sex is intimate and bonding. I believe I caught my FWW right after the kissing and the "I love you" stage began. One more trip out of town from me, and they would have consumated their "love". Of course, they may have had sex anyway. She lied from the beginning of the A and may always keep the sex a secret till she dies, if she even had sex.

Take the tough steps right away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooSoonToBeComfortable:
<strong>Call her bluff and begin the exposure.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Took the words right out of my mouth.

You are playing with fire. You are taking a HUGE risk.

You're willing to throw her out of the house so she has no where to go but to OM, and you're willing to add fuel to that fire by NOT exposing the affair.

Very, very, very foolish.

R-man,
Of course if a D is what you do want, nobody can fault you. After all, most or many around here know just how debilitating it is to deal with your sitch…but lets just for a minute consider under what terms you would want to continue with the marriage. What would those terms be? And let’s for a minute just consider the possibility that a plan could be created that might help you meet your terms. Would you be interested?

If so, lets discuss your options. Lets discuss ways that you could feel better about yourself and save your relationship as well. Because R-man, there are always different ways to approach a problem. And all I’m suggesting is that maybe, just maybe, a different approach might be your ticket.

Just some thoughts.

Coach

Thanks to all for the great feedback. As was mentioned, the EA may have already developed into a PA. I know myself well enough to know that no matter what, I will always in the back of my mind have doubts about what happened. When things get tough in the future, and we end up fighting, guess what will always be the ace up my sleeve, and I do not think that I want to hold that card. You all make so much sense, yet my thoughts are in such turmiol. I have MC tomorrow (by myself) so maybe the MC can slap some sense into me... Thanks again and keep posting your advice. Also, What are your thoughts on the following - I was going to post a question to all the female WS's who have been in my wifes position / the fog, and ask them to explain what they went through / felt / and lost as a result of the rush. I will then point my wife at this, Ladies think this is a good idea? (sorry if this seems sexist gentlemen)

R-Man:

Duplicate post, sorry!

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

R-Man:

I went through hell just like you are now but let me explain to you how my FWW explained it to me. First, I will tell you some of the detail.

She says her A started with flirting at work. The flirting led to lunches. The lunches led to after work movies. The movies led to afterwork motorcycle rides. That led to dinners and and more movies. That led to hugging and kissing. The hugging and kissing led to the emotional stated words of "I love you".

The stairstepped building of the relationship, the kissing, hugs, and the stated "I love you" words led to the total disconnect from me and her emotions of "true" love shifted to the OM.

Post Fog, my fww stated to me she had the same feelings of love for the OM that she felt for me when she fell in love with me 20 plus years ago. It was new, fresh, and exciting and our M was stale. There was a difference, our relationship was built on honesty and her A was built on lies and deceit by both her and the OM. Even after I pleaded to make her understand what she was into, it didn't matter to her. She was a religious person and dedicated to her family and her God, yet she was leaving her husband and children for the OM. She was going to get an apartment so she could be with the OM. She was willing to throw her M completely away because her addicted feelings of love for the OM were too great.

After I started exposing the A, it brought out some selfish reactions from the OM and threats from my wife. I spent money finding out who he was and I called the OM's parents. I suggested he leave his job since he didn't like it anyway. They blamed my wife and said no-one was going to tell their son he needed to leave his job. The OM was prepared to let my wife lose the job she loved and he wasn't going to be told to quit the job he hated. His selfish side began to show.

Even after all of this, the OM continued to push my wife to leave me because that would make her happy. He also wanted her to leave her children too but she shouldn't worry since they were almost raised. She finally SAW how the A caused total chaos, tears, and pain for me and the kids at home showing the dark side of the A. She finally agreed to see a MC and the MC wasn't telling her how right she was but how damaging her actions were. She talked about the A not being real love but fantasy love. It tooks weeks of sessions and fighting at home but finally, we had a break and The light of Reality began to show through the clouds of the fog.

My wife decided to stay with the family but negotiated to keep her job. I agreed but the M didn't get any better. Her staying at her job allowed the A to continue. Finally, the OM showed his face in the parking lot of our MC to taunt me and let me know he was still around. That was it, the one hour session with the MC was all about her quitting her job and ending all contact with the OM or leaving the family forever. She decided to quit and gave her two week notice immediately. Two weeks later she was done at work. Depression kicked in and about 3 to 4 month later, she apologized to me and the kids and said, "she thought the love was real and she couldn't control her feelings of love for the OM". She now says it was wrong and she is very remorseful over her actions. On mother's day, she said she felt like a piece of dirt since she was so willing to walk away fromher children. The A caused her personal harm to her Spirit and to her self esteem.

Today, life seems more normal but things will never be quite the same. You must understand the ending of the A is a step-by-step process and it is very painful for both parties. The other thing you must remember is there are no winners in an Affair, only Survivors.

I hope this helps you understand how one A was built and how the Affair was dismantled. Four plus month later, she still has good and bad thoughts of the OM and I just have to grit my teeth and try and be an understanding husband when she tells me. I tell her I understand but I know and have to live with the fact she was in the arms of the OM kissing him and telling him she loved him. I will always believe that my wife is very capable of doing the same thing again. I told her if another A ever starts to happen, that she should just come and tell me so we can end the M quickly so I don't have to feel the pain that felt before. She agreed.

Keep fighting for your wife. Compete with the other man. Don't give up and lose hope. Expose the A and let the light of truth and reality shine through the fog every chance you can. Good luck.