Hello all, I have been married going on 7 years and have two wonderful kids. In the past year my life has been all distorted due to several factors. first I stepped outside my marriage leaving my spouse completely destroyed. Second I am currently deployed in the war on terrorism and there is nothing I can do from a far and distant land. Due to outside forces all of the information was discovered thus leaving my spouse wanting to completely walk away from the marriage. I have admitted that I messed up, but convincing her that I am on the path to repair my mistakes. This is where I am having the problem. Third I am frustrated with myself for letting my emotions get in the way of smart thinking. So in closing, what can I do to help start the healing and the repair of what was once ( I still think it can be ) a wonderful marraige. Once again this is the result of my wrong doings and not hers. L5844

L5844,

First thank you for defending this great land and I hope you could defend your M from "old you".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>there is nothing I can do from a far and distant land.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, there are a lot you could do !. Read up on Harley's basic concept and go through the link on the general welcome. If you could get your hand on HNHN & "If I only knew" by Gary Smally, read it and understand it. You could even get home study course offer by MB if your BW is willing to do it. Plan A from far distance.

Here is the key ... In-Love from your wife could be recreated if you are willing to do 4 gifts of love and she is willing to let you in. The same is true for you.

Emotional Intimacy doesn't requires proximity, it could be build by email, letter, phone for contact. The key is the content of those contact has to provide emotional honesty to overcome the distance.

One encouragement for you to remember ... Divorce is not cause by infidelity but by loss hope of future happiness.

-rh-

Red Hat,
Thank you for the reply, but I am new here and some of the abbreviations are confusing me. I will finish the basic concepts and tonight (today for you) and I will do my best to understand them. As far as doing things from a far I feel the more I tell her my wrongs and how I am going to correct them I feel like I am pushing her away. She is hurt right now becasue of the way this situation has gone down and we were already working through another issue. My thing is I want this marriage to work becasue I know personally I was not the person I was when we married each other and being here does not help when I need to be face to face to show her that this is real and not a rehearsed letter. so to save my marriage from the old me I am "knee deep" in this site finding the ways to help thanks for the reply.

If you can communiate with her, suggest she visit this web site so she can relate to others in similar circumstances. Although you two are physically far apart at the moment, all the other aspects of your crisis are likely very, very similar to others' here.

Try getting the Home Study Course that Harley offers. That will teach you what you need to do.

And have hope. My husband broke my arm when I was threatening to call the woman with whom, in fact, he was having an affair. Harley takes on marriages that others would advise "Move on..."

Cherished

She wants nothing to do with this, but I am still expressing to her on a daily basis that I am going to fight for this marriage even though I have done all the damage and she just want to comunicate due to the kids sake. I have hurt and betrayed my best friend and I want nothing more than to earn the love back from her. So my question to all is how do you work out things like this from a distance and when I return home? L5844

Cherished,
I was looking into that as I am typing. Broken arm? not good. but did you guys work it out? L5844

Hi. Welcome to marriagebuilders. Thanks for defending our country. Please tell your friends that we appreciate their efforts too.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this. I think it is good to keep writing to your wife, and stay friendly with her.

It is a horrible shock when you first find out, and she is probably still reeling. You might tell her about this site, and see if she will come here for support. It would help her get through this awful time.

If you let her know that we are here to help and comfort her (and leave out the marriage rebuilding part) maybe she will come. It is terrible to go through all the pain of betrayal all alone.

Wow, thank you for serving. You pulled me out of my occasional lurk mode.

My H had an affair 4 years ago. I am happy to report that we have recovered and so can you. Your wife is very hurt right now. Recovery is very realistic. She is just in shock. I suggest that you write the OW a serious no contact letter stating that you love your wife and that you are sorry that you hurt her but that it was a mistake and that you do not ever want to speak, see or e mail her again. You should give your wife a copy and let her know that you aare doing this. Then start meeting her needs from where you are and as best you can. You won't be there forever, so keep reading when you get the chance.

I have forgiven my H and she most likely will forgive you in time. Most couples can recover and adultery occurs in sooo many marriages, look around here. My H and I are happier than ever. You do not deserve a life sentence for having an affair. Just tell your wife that you are human and made a very bad mistake. If your family is religious maybe someone can talk to her from your place of worship. Just keep at it. Right now she feels very low (low self esteem) and just keep telling her you are going to fight for her and your family. All is not lost and you can have a better relationship than before. I am sorry for your pain. God bless you-it is going to be OK. You sound like a good and sincere man. Everyone makes mistakes and you admitted that to her. That takes a big man. Really-it is going to be OK. Give her a little time to digest this. Hugs.

Jersey,
I Thank everyone for all of your support, life is somewhat slowed down here but we are still in harms way and this what makes it hard to get through because while my mind should be on the job I am focusing on "my plan A" for when I return home. Dealing with two fights on my hands is interesting becasue I now kow what putting on "Gods Armor" is about. Now another question writing and talking about fixing it all the time is that too over bearing of me, or should I back off and keep it on a friendly basis till I return and then start the plan A. I feel I can only say it so mouch and then it becomes unbelievable. I do not want to let her down again because she is my life. L5844

L5844,

Your plan A is started yesterday ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Make a list of what are her complaints about you in this M ? If she told you more than once you know it is a potential corrective action on your part. It doesn't matter it is belivable or not, it is her choice. You have to plan A from far and fillin her ENs as much as you can.

Give your best shot and don't wait.

-rh-

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Ok,
Since my plan A started yesterday, what do I do if she does not want to talk about it. I hear the horror Stories about other Marines when they get home the wife has papers waiting for them. Now I would feel cheated, because I have had no chance to correct the issues that I have between her and I due to my absense. SO I might need a Plan A-1 to start today. Any suggestions?

L5844,

As part of plan A ... you have to be patience, givin time and presistent. She would reject you, she might has paper ready for you ... it is her choice and it is up to her. Meanwhile, learn how to be an awsome husband, learn about relationship.

If she told you not to talk about R ... don't talk about it for now, she is not ready. However you should talk something else, about you !. Open up on your current emotional honesty. Learn how to communicate. Tell her what you has done differently that show changes in you.

Have you get "Language of Love" by Garry Smally ?. You need it !.

-rh-

Hat,
Now when you say persistent, what excatly do you mean? Becasue I write e-mails daily expressing my stupidity about this situation and I just seem to be digging myself into a deeper hole.

Maybe send flowers? With a note reminding her of something when you were dating. You can do it by e mail. Hope you are having a good day.

I mean you can order on line like at flowers.com or one of those sites.

Jersey,
I have done that since I have been here to help ease the recovery when I got out here. Heck I even remembered our anniversary this year (we had two weddings) So now, I am trying not to apologize her to death but I feel she is slowly moving on a different path now. (Just a note this has only been on going for two weeks now, but the past OW was over 8 months ago)