I really and truly am running on empty and totally worn out. I feel totally nothing when I look at H, and even am starting to feel such resentment! I don't feel attracted to him and as much as I try, I shy away from any physical intimacy with him. He in turn feels hurt and pushes more. I want that back for him, but it just isn't there.

I TRY and try to explain to H how I feel. His self control is almost zero. That when he hurts me and says "I am sorry" it is not wiped away that it makes me timid for the next time. His response is "I said I was sorry". Whenever something happens, I try to talk to him, and I am either cut off with... I know I am sorry... (no more discussion, or "It is how you approach me". Then the discussion is on how I approached him and total direction taken off what the problem I approached him with was. I am to the point of almost total shut down, so that I don't approach him wrong or say what he percieves as an attack.

This is an example. For over 18 years of our M, he had huge drinking issues. Drinking to the point of hardly being able to walk or talk. Loud, embarissing, and obnoxious! Ruined many many occassion. There are SO many times and things that happened that I can't even go into. Along with this, he was very verbally and emotionally abusive. This we are working on. We were separated for almost a year and one condition of us working on things was the drinking like that would not fly. Since we have been back together, I have not seen him "that bad". But we never talk about the years and what it did to me. Never been able to ask him if he even realized how he became. I got a blanket I am sorry and it is like I am now suppose to forget the 18 years happened, even when I have flash backs of the events.

This weekend we were with a couple from my kids school. Her H drank to that same point. My H really seemed annoyed or bothered by this. I talked to him and asked if he realized that is how he got when he drank that much. I was talking about how bad I felt for my friend, (tears in my eyes) because I remember how that feels. Trying to cover for them, trying to get them to not drink more.. so on. I was sharing my heart, my hurts, my scars. He got angry and took that as an attack on himself. These are still so fresh for me. He got defensive and angry and "that was the end of discussion"

Last night, he said I kept stabbing him. It wasn't about HIM, it was about my pain, which yes his actions caused. I said I just need him to talk with me about my pain and set aside his shame and defensivness. These things DID happen, he is the one that did them. Not talking about them does not heal the scars. I got the angry outburst, "I can't live like this anymore"! and Oh, yes, it is all about you" H knows I am the least selfish person, yet he knows he can make me doubt myself in a minute with those words.

Then he starts his talking in circles. Says one thing and then turns it to another when the conversation doesn't go his way. I really don't know where to go. We have been going to MC for 8 months now. First together and now alone. he went last night. I am also frustrated with the MC. He tells H and I that H needs to work through this anger management. They meet once and then it is dropped. This has happened several times.

I wish I could just fake it and be more physical with H. He needs SO much from me and I feel so empty. I don't know what to do anymore. I know he is just as unhappy as I am.

Encouragement needed! Anyone been here at all?

sohard -

Gosh, I'm trying to figure out where to start. I've been through and felt many of the same things you have listed in your post.

Is your H an alcoholic?

I ask because of the several statements you made about how your H responds...like:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so that I don't approach him wrong or say what he percieves as an attack </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was sharing my heart, my hurts, my scars. He got angry and took that as an attack on himself. These are still so fresh for me. He got defensive and angry and "that was the end of discussion" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night, he said I kept stabbing him. It wasn't about HIM, it was about my pain, which yes his actions caused. I said I just need him to talk with me about my pain and set aside his shame and defensivness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like all of the things that my alcoholic H has said. I can't tell you how many times I heard "end of discussion", I don't want to talk about that", "I can't do anything right", "I'll never make you happy", "you are always trying to hurt me"...and on and on and on.

Alcoholics are selfish, self-serving and self-centered. It's all about them. How they feel, hurt, etc. They don't want to know or listen to how their drinking affects others.

When H first started going to AA, he learned about alcoholism and realized he was an alcoholic. But, he still didn't *realize* what his alcoholism had done to me and our family. He (I guess) just thought that I was naturally an insane, hurtful, mean b1tch.

When I started going to Al-Anon, I brought home books and a lot of material regarding the spouse/family of an alcoholic. I started sharing some of the information with H. It described me perfectly. H began to understand. He is now more receptive to talking about the past and how it affected me or us.

It might help you to check out Al-Anon. You can get some good/helpful information there. Look for a booklet titled "The merry-go-around called Denial" or "So You are married to an alcoholic". It helped me to understand the illness and my part in the disease.

My second thought when reading your post is the "blanket" sorry you get from your H. His sorry is supposed to cover everything.

If I remember correctly from reading the book "How Can I Forgive You?", the *blanket* sorry is an apology that really isn't...and means nothing to the person on the receiving end.

You might want to pick up that book. It's helpful because it will help you to work on forgiveness. But, even more important, it outlines information for the betrayer on how to apologize and mean it so that forgiveness of his/her wrongs is possible.

Hope that helps.

Take care.

sss

Thank you so much for your response! I will get that book right away!

As far as H being an Alcoholic, that has been discussed, but since we have reconciled, he has kept it under control. He has a problem with self-control in all areas of his life. Sadly, it hurts to think that he "chose" to drink like that and could have "chose" otherwise.

His "self thinking" is something that comes up in MC alot. He is a selfish man.

Thanks again for your response, it helps to know that someone else has been here and I am not crazy!

Good Luck sohard.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as H being an Alcoholic, that has been discussed, but since we have reconciled, he has kept it under control. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you'll find out whether or not your H is an alcoholic soon enough since alcoholics can only keep it under control for so long.

After I found out about my H's last A, we also discussed his drinking and how excessive it was. He spent the rest of the summer "keeping it under control". He would stop after a couple of beers when we went out two or three times per week...this was opposed to drinking at least 6 or more beers a day.

By the end of the summer, he was gradually increasing his beer intake, but felt he still had it under control.

By the end of September, he was getting drunk again.

He started going to AA in October. Told me then that during the summer while he had it under control, he thought he would go crazy stopping after just two beers. He wanted more. It took every ounce of his energy to stop after two.

Just keep your eyes open in regards to the drinking. MC or IC won't really help if there is an addiction problem because while they are still drinking, they can't work on themselves. They won't go that deep.

Take care.

sss

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Thanks again for your response. Sadly, a lot of H changes seem to have been for show. The longer we are back together, the more he has changed back to the man I thought I would never be hurt by again.

Thanks again for your response. Sadly, a lot of H changes seem to have been for show. The longer we are back together, the more he has changed back to the man I thought I would never be hurt by again.