My WW got a phone message from the OM's wife yesterday basically saying leave my husband alone were trying to work on our marriage. Really shook her up. She also has been getting a lot of grief from oldest child, our daughter 28, and our middle son 25. The youngest son leaves for college in 1 month. Last night she was in a real funk-don't know if she has talked to the OM or not but was asking me questions as to what it would take to put our marriage back together. Remember she has cheated if this guy for 5 years and has 2 other A that I recently found out about.
The separation papers are ready and I pick them up today for the first review. I am confused - do I want to put this marriage back together or do I want the separation. I absolutely could not stand another episode like where she cheats on me. At first I was scared of the future and I am still a little scared but maybe it is time for a separation so I can heal. She can't talk to OM this week because he is on vacation with his family and his wife watches him like a hawk. My question is this-I still very hurt and angry over this and I am wondering what is the right thing to do? I married her for better or worse recognizing that I contributed to this by not meeting her EN. My IC told me this weekend that now is the time to take care of me. Any advice?

HINC,

This is a tough one and when I am faced with something very complex the thing I do is look at the data I have. Given what you have posted here is the data as I see it.

1. She has not changed her mind.

2. She has not actually said or done anything that suggests she will.

3. The OM's marriage is still in limbo.

In short I see nothing that would change your course of action. So continue with the separation preparations.

However, there may be a crack and I think if you want her at all you should talk with her, and encourage her to think about these things. Even if the separation documents are signed one can always reconcile.

Very clearly before you two got back together, many things will need to be discussed, settled, and addressed. Further, a recovery plan suitable to both of you would need to be made.

This is NOT impossible and I think there is hope.
I would also mention that your future is much brighter than hers, don't be afraid of it.

I would say when she sees you getting stuff together to end the marriage, when she sees you accepting this and realizing there is a life afterwards, her perspective just might change. She is losing more than her children, but she just now be beginning to realize what she loses when you leave. Remember in order to justify her A's, you have had to be the bad guy for a LONG time. You may have not known it, but that is the only way should could have kept her sanity, unless she is a sociopath, which I doubt.

What may be happening is reality is setting in after all of these years of fantasy.

I presume you children know about ALL of her A's at this point.

Just as a question, what do your children think you should do?

Well, these are my initial thoughts. I don't know if they help or not.

God Bless,

JL

JL-thanks for the reply. I just got my hands on the intial draft of the separation papers today and she will get her first look at this legal document tonight. I have already transferred the "good" car into her name and she said afterwards that "that was sad". She hasn't eneded the A. He is just out of town with his family this week so she can't talk to him. My children (28,25 and 18) all say get the hell out. I am actually feeling better everyday about a separation. If I chose to take her back and work on the marriage isn't that like she gets off scott free doing these horrible things? I personally think the OM is a coward and won't leave his wife. I could be dead wrong on this one because I know he is lying to his wife(she and I have had several conversations). He has a 13 yr old son at home and a 19 yr daughter in college and it's gonna cost out the A$$ to divorce this woman.
Your right there has to be a solid recovery plan in place to make this work. Interestingly enough my IC told me last weekend that in 1 year I would be a very eligible bachelor. That sounds pretty nice to me right now.

HINC,

No, if you took her back she would NOT get off scott free. Heck, she is not now, and she is doing what she thinks she wants. No one wins in these things, and her price will be high no matter what happens.

If she were to come back, she would have to face what she as done to you, to the marriage, to her children. She would have to admit the errors in her actions and thoughts. She would have to deal with withdrawal, guilt, remorse, rebuilding her relationship with you, and her children.

Would you want her job under those circumstances?? I sure wouldn't.

So don't worry about that. Reality, has a way of punishing those that try to avoid it.

So do your best, continue until you get solid evidence that a change in direction is needed. Then you will have choices to make, and in many ways they will be harder, than the ones you face now.

God Bless,

JL

I have recently reaped the benifits of "doing nothing" when someone I love was messing up...

I would say to you ... stay your course.

Let the people doing the wrong feel the consequences....

If and when she returns from her alien abduction .... you will know. She'll be recognizable.

She is not returned from the aliens yet. Do not abort your exit plan.

Pep

HINC,

What have you decided to do? Has your W made any more comments about the marriage.

JL

ditto JL and Pep

I'll add that there may be a crack currently available to exploit and the best way to exploit it may be to pry it open with a crow bar - the separation document delivered calmly, cooly, and deliberately. It represents consequences of her continuing behavior.

WAT

I brought home the separation agreement last night. I asked her not to read it last night because she had been drinking. So I went home for lunch today and noticed that she had not opened the document and didn't mentioned it to me today. The OM is still talking to her, he called yesterday. I don't quite know what to think of this. Why hasn't she read it? If I was her I would be quite interested it. Maybe she has read it and just didn't let on. I will bring up the subject tonight. I think reality is hitting her hard now. I really think that she will play this out and go to the OM even though I think she has serious doubts now cause he hasn't committed to leaving his wife yet. Any thoughts?

HINC,

I think you are right. Make sure she does read it, but also let her know that you are available to speak with her. She has some very very hard decisions to make and frankly I would not want to be in her shoes or wish her situation on my worst enemy.

In my mind she is in a terrible situation. I think you know that, but the other hard part is that she did this to herself and she has to get out of it herself.

hang in there, you are doing well.

God Bless,

JL

JL and others-the separation agreement has been in her hands for 2 days now and she hasn't read it yet. I mentioned to her this morning at breakfast to read it and make any changes she felt appropriate and we would discuss. She just looked at me, like she wanted to cry, and didn't say anything. Her OM is on vacation now with his family and has not been able to call every day like in the past-maybe she is waiting to discuss with him. In the meantime I gain more confidence every day. Plan Aing but not being a doormat. I have scheduled for myself a couple of activities this weekend-one to see my physchiatrist and the other a golf game after church on sunday. She is seeing me in another light a confident man who is now accepting the fact she wants to leave and a man that is ready to get on with the rest of his life instead on wallowing in the drama of this affair. What is your take on the situation now? Am I heading in the right direction?

JL where are you? Any other want to comment on my sorry situation?

hopefulinnc,

Here is something for you think about very carefully.

YOU HAVE BEEN HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION ALL OF YOUR MARRIED LIFE.

Did hear what I just shouted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am very serious.

Let's review this. You married a woman you loved and you have loved her as you vowed thoughout your marriage.

You two have had children, and you supported them, raised them, and imparted to them your values. Two of them are out on their own and doing well. The last is heading for college this year, WITH your support and encouragement.

You have been a faithful Husband, and you have followed your religion.

You have done your best to keep this marriage together, and you have kept your faith.

AND YOU DID this while not being perfect.

All in all HINC, you have done well and you have always been heading in the right direction.

I see no reason for you to doubt yourself now, and I see every reason for your life to continue to be rich with friends, and those that love you in the future. And this is true whether or not your W stays.

So HINC, I know this hurts, but have a little confidence in yourself, you are heading as you always have been, IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Think about this very carefully. You may have regrets and wish you had done one thing or another differently, but you were always heading in the right direction and honoring your vows, promises, and accepting your responsibility.

I don't know that there is a lot else that could be said for someone than that, do you??

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

JK-your kinds words are a source of encouragement. Thanks