I wanted to say some things, but everytime I start to talk, the words never come out or they don't come out right. So I decided to write them.

Things right between us right now are bad.. I mean really bad. Financially, Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. Lately, I've been thinking about how they became this way and if they can change. I've been doing alot of soul searching within myself and that made me go back to the beginning of us. When you and I first met, we were both in high school... 15 yrs old. I remember I went out of my way to meet you because I thought you were so good looking that I had to get to know you. By the time we were graduating high school, we had already decided that we both wanted to be married and be together for the rest of our lives.

In 1989, I became pregnant at the tender age of 22. We didn't have much of a chance to live, to grow or to experience the world without the pressures of adulthood. I know we are not unique because alot of people go through the same thing. We took our vows at 23 and every since that day we have been together. Since our wedding day, we have never had much of a chance to grow together as a couple. We never took more than one night away from the kids, as a couple since the day we got married. We never experienced life together, alone. The year following our marriage, we purchased a home in which we planned to live together as a "happy" family. At the time, we were struggling financially, but thought that a home was a good investment for the future. I had doubts about buying a home, I remember thinking that people save their entire lives in order to purchase a home, but I agreed to it. Although, you were only working part time and I was working fulltime, our salaries combined could barely cover the $600 rent that we were paying for our apartment that we were living in before purchasing the home.

The first six months in our home were nice, but still rough financially. We managed some how, and I know that it was by the grace of God. After living in our home for six months, your parents called a meeting of the "family" to discuss their moving in with us "temporarily" to help us finacially while they plan their retirement move to Florida. At that time, they wanted to cut a hole in the basement linking both halfs of the duplex making the basement bigger. Although I voiced my concerns at the time, I was out voted and the hole was cut and they moved up. I remember thinking that it wasn't a good idea at the time, but it happened. At that time, we had the whole family, your mother, father, sister, brother, and nephew all living in our basement. I felt resentful almost from the beginning, but decided to just go with the flow. It wasn't bothering you and you seemed happy with it.

Over the course of time, I was employed as a secretary and trying to learn as much as I could. I remember taking on additional responsibilities and you not understanding why I would do that when I wasn't getting paid for it. I knew that while I was not getting paid at that moment, that I would eventually reap the benefits from my experiences. I tried to make you understand my logic, but you didn't. Eventually, I did get another job at a different company where I was able to put my experiences to use and get paid more for it. I have always encouraged you (or tried to) to be the best person you can, to never stop learning or growing. I don't think it was your intention, but I never felt the same from you.

In 1993, I became pregnant again with S2. His birth was a blessing and I'm so glad that I had both of my children. Finances again, however, became an issue. S1 was in daycare, we had the mortgage, two car notes and all of the other responsibilities of raising a family and owning a home. We both worked hard to try and make ends meet and take care of our children the best we could. Unfortunately, with all of the responsibilities that we had, we neglected one of the most important ones that we had. US. We did not take care of each other, we didn't meet each other needs, we didn't grow together as a couple. That was a huge neglect.

At that same time, right after S2 birth, I began to neglect myself as well. I let myself go physically and emotionally. Although I don't talk about it, I know that I was in a state of depression. I didn't take notice in my appearance, I gained alot of weight and I didn't care what I looked like. I felt and looked like ****. I stopped caring about your needs, I didn't even want to have sex. When I did it, it was because of your anger and I felt like I had to in order to quiet things down for a little wihle. I became an angry, bitter woman on the inside and it was showing on the outside. The need for change within myself came when I one day had to look at myself and didn't even notice my own reflection. I cried alot when I was alone and no one even knew that I was so sad, no one... not even you. No one knew that I felt like a failure, no one spoke a comforting word to me or made me feel special. During that time, you and I were having issues seperate from finances. Alot of them surrounded sex or the lack of sex. Sometimes I got (and still do) angry because you never once tried to understand why my sex drive was so low or why I didn't want to have sex. You didn't even notice that a few times when we did have sex I actually cried during. I felt like you only cared that you had it, not how I felt or if I enjoyed it. I became even more resentful and to this day, sex still remains a problem for us.

While I was going through my depression era, I'm sorry to say, I don't know what was going on in your head and world. I know that you seemed happy as long as you were having sex and eating. And that's all it took for you to be happy. You were content, while I was going crazy with fear, anger and resentment. We stopped talking about the future, we stopped spending time together as a couple, we didn't have any friends together, we even stopped kissing (other than a peck on the cheek). There was no intimacy, no emotions flowing... there was just peck's. I remember telling you that I wanted to go back to school and your opinion that I should just be satisfied because I had a "good" job and I should be happy. I remember wanting to share things with you but held back because of fear of how you would react. So I stopped sharing altogether.

I began working on myself, first physically and then mentally. I decided to do something about my weight and my appearance. Not because you encouraged me or supported me, but because I knew it was something that I had to do. I became obsessed with loosing weight and set my mind on my goal. I never told you that I was doing it, I never shared it with you, I just did it. I also decided to do something about my career, I once again began learning as much as I could, taking on more responsibilities than I had to, again I did this without sharing with you. We really stopped sharing with each other, we stopped talking, we stopped loving each other and being each other's support system.

This is, I believe, what has gotten us to the point where we are today. This is also, I know, where I messed up.. although at that time, I didn't think it was a big deal. While you and i were busy working and trying to make ends meet. I started sharing things with someone else. I started talking about my dreams, hopes, fears and aspirations with another man. And.. he was receptive to it. Not only did he actually listen to what I was saying, he encouraged me and he gave me feedback and suggestions. I knew the friendship that I formed with him was wrong, but I didn't consider it to be "cheating" because we never did anything physical. It just felt good to have someone take an active interest in me. It felt good to have someone really really understand what I wanted and cared about. I knew it was an inappropriate relationship because I hid it from you, and if it wasn't inappriopriate I wouldn't have felt the need to hide it. I was being selfish and getting some of my needs met, unfortunately, you weren't the one meeting those needs. They were being met by someones else. So while, I was having some of my needs met, it meant nothing in terms of you and I. I have given up that friendship, I am no longer in contact with him by any means (email, phone or talk), but i'm not gonna lie.. I miss it. I'm not saying that I miss him, but I miss that communication that I had with him. I miss having someone that I can talk to about anything and they actually have something to contribute. I miss talking to someone about sometihng other than bills or arguing with. That doesn't mean that I'm going to call him up, it just means that I miss it and there goes another need of mine that are goin unmet by anyone.

Not finished writing... but i would like some insight, how would you feel if you were to read this?

any?

What are you trying to accomplish with this letter?

If you're trying to convince a BS to join you in rebuilding your marriage, I suggest you delete all your "justifications" for why you cheated and get to the point: you made a mistake, you realize it was wrong, and you regret it. Express your desire to rebuild your marriage for the good of all. Attach a copy of the EN questionaire you have filled out and a blank copy for your H to fill out. Finally, write a no contact letter to OM and attach that as well, asking your H's approval.

Feelinguilty,
Your letter is incredible. Personally, I think it is very well-written. You are honest, yet not attacking. If I were on the other end of this letter- I think it sure would wake me up. Very insiteful. Keep going- I would love to see the end of it. Please post the end.
ps- I am considering doing the same thing. I hope to get encouragement from your letter.
Koala <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi FG,

Wow, I wish my W would have written me a letter like this BEFORE she became involved with an OM....

I take it that you are explaining to your H that you had an EA and that it never was a PA?... For me, the physical aspect of my W's A's was more hurtful than the emotional part. Your H may be totally different...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> What are you trying to accomplish with this letter?

If you're trying to convince a BS to join you in rebuilding your marriage, I suggest you delete all your "justifications" for why you cheated and get to the point: you made a mistake, you realize it was wrong, and you regret it. Express your desire to rebuild your marriage for the good of all. Attach a copy of the EN questionaire you have filled out and a blank copy for your H to fill out. Finally, write a no contact letter to OM and attach that as well, asking your H's approval. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be honest with you, I was not trying to justify my affair and what i wrote are not justifications (not intentionally). What I am hoping to accomplish here is to open up lines of communications between us.. The reason that I put in things that lead up to the affair is because those issues are still present. His family is still with us, we do not communicate, we do nothing together and we are in the same boat as before... nothing has changed.

I'm hoping for us to start speaking again.

As far as a NC letter... I would love to, but I have no way of getting it to the OM. We both deleted our email account that we used to communicate with each other, he changed his phone number and has actually moved.