Hi my friends,

Wow, its been so long since I've been here. I had stopped because my H always complained about me talking to everyone but him. So, I've been giving my all to him since about March I guess. I've poured out my heart to him, giving him everything he ever wanted from me, been all that a wife should be, and still, its not enough to bring him back.

He's finally admitted, though only because I found the evidence, that he is in love with OW and not me. He says he loves me and cares about me, but he is too mentally and emotionally gone to commit himself to our marriage.

So much has happened, so much discovered. I have forgiven him over and over again, just as God would have me do. But I can't make him fall in love with me again when his heart belongs to someone else.

The pain I feel is unbearable, although you all told me all along there was more than a friendship between them. I chose to hope and believe that there wasn't. God has been directing my paths and showing me what I needed to see, like it or not.

I hate that OW with such vigor. She is a lying, selfish, no-good, homewrecking, ****. I want to make her pay for what she has done to my family, to my son, to me. But I won't. I've come to realize that it isn't up to me to seek justice upon her. She will receive her punishment from God. Sadly, so will my H. Even through all of this, I don't want him to be hurt. And I know he will be.

After this weekend, my precious boy is competing in a state swimming meet, my H is leaving me. It hurts so much. I just want the pain to go away. But God has made me so much stronger than I ever thought possible. My faith and trust in Him has grown so much.

I know that I will move into Plan B when he leaves. I know many of you thought this should have been done a long time ago, but I think this way is for the best. My H has had the opportunity to experience what life could be like with me if he gave it a chance. The only part that scares me is that I don't know how long I will do Plan B. I'm afraid that I will just move on and he will come back to me and it will be too late. My dilemma is, "How long does one wait?"

I went to see my priest the other day and he told me that I have done everything God would have me do-edure, hope, suffer, be patient, etc. He said I can hold my head high and be at peace with the fact that I gave it my all. And unless my H is willing to dedicate himself to me and our M, there is nothing more I can do. He told me we needed to separate. Spiritually, I felt better about everything because I was worried that I was giving up in God's eyes.

Anyway, I'll probably be coming back to you guys to get support with Plan B.

I hope to hear from some of you....

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]</small>

HI, i'm fairly new so I dont know any details of your situation But i was reading your story an something you said stroke me as so familar

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm afraid that I will just move on and he will come back to me and it will be too late. My dilemma is, "How long does one wait?"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when my H first started wiht his "friendship/A" last year he ketp telling me he didnt know what he wanted. by the time we sepearated i had figured we were definatly going to get a D. i felt he had gotton to far away and there was no way to recover i said what you said

then after being seperated awhile i met someone thought i had moved on and boom guess what my H came back but at that apoint iw as in a fog and didnt know what i wanted!! so after about 4 months of my h proving to me he was swerious with nc etc. i took him back .. it was hard i had started having panic attacks b/c i felt stuck and didnt knwo what to do.. i had never had a panaic attack in my life before that.. Well then after that i decided to take him back and now i dont know what i wouldve done had i decided not to!!

I think if he comes back and theres sditll love there and its not to far you'll know. i think thats why i was having panic attacks i knew what i really wanted to do but i felt alot of pressure and really scared it would happne again. he has lapsed and has had some contact wiht ow but i feel we may be on the way to REAL recovery (see othe rpost) Good luck to you!!

also another thing i realized was that when i went into plan B i felt good. i learned to like myself and focusedon me and the kids i felt good b/c my stress level dropped about 70 percent!

Thanks for your reply, mylife25. I guess I should just worry about one day at a time. My H is saying that he doesn't know what he wants and thinks it is too late for us. I've come to realize that he needs to lose me, completely, to realize if I'm what he wants and needs. It's just so hard for me to understand how he can choose his own needs over his son. It is beyond my comprehension how he can walk away from living with his son every day because he thinks there is a better life for him with someone else. I understand how he has chosen her over me, but how can he choose her over his precious boy? I truly think he doesn't believe his son will suffer for this. He's in for the shock of his life then, because our boy will be HURT, regardless of how civil we are to eachother. H just doesn't believe that.

I felt the same way when I finnanly made my H leave we had a 3month old baby and our 4 year old girl. at first i made it easy for my H i let him spend the night on the weekends and be with the kids etc but after he got mean and scary toward me (not in front of the kids) i wouldnt allow him to spend the night or see me or the kids at a drop of a coin we made up exact time visits. i think that helped push him into reality. he realized if he left for good this is what life would really be like b/c he would probably only get visitaion on weekends and he wouldnt get to spend time with me. it took a lot of hard work and a lot of supportive people around me which helped me get through that hard time but i made it! you will too! and i agree sometimes losing someone is a real wake up call! it definatly was for my H. even though it took him being gone a month before he started saying he was confused, he missed me then another month till he started wanting me back then i made him show me he was in NC etc. we were seperated about 4 months. the first few weeks i was a mess. but like i said it got easier and iw as so much less stressed when i started living my life for me and my kids

i dont know how anyone can leave there kids or walk away from there family esp for an op. it makes me crazy. my dad did it to my mom when i was young and it hurt badly being a child. I dotn know what there thinking. hopefully your h will snap out of his fog when reality sets in!

Hi Nid,
(I used to be 4give...I remember you well)
I have often wondered about you and how you have been doing. I am glad that you have really tried a good plan A, but I am sorry that it has come to this...but not surprised.

I suppose OW's divorce is final now. How sad for her H and their kids. When did her divorce actually go through?

I hope that the bubble will burst for your H when he moves out and you go to plan B. That, at one time, is what it took for my H to wake up and see the reality he what he was choosing. I figured your H and OW had been making their plans and wanting to time it right for her benefit. Maybe I was wrong and she isn't divorced yet?

I am sad for you and your son.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Hi Trix, why the name change? I don't think OW's divorce is final yet, although I know its close.

I don't think my H realizes when he leaves what I will do. I think he thinks he is going to be able to come over whenever he wants, etc. Its going to be hard, but as long as he is in contact with her, I will not have any contact with him. I'm going to need a lot of support.

In order for my H to be with her, they would have to move, because there is no way the people we know would accept THEIR relationship. How could they show their faces together?? It is so unrealistic. He would totally ruin his reputation in our circle of friends.

Well, I'm going to go running. I'll check in later.

Name change because I wasn't happy about my name..somehow had a hard sound...Trix is after my son's Jack Russell Terrier: Trixie. Now, she is a sweetie.

Have you exposed the A? Did you ever talk to the pres. of the board they are on?

Hi nid - I don't have much time to post now, so just one question. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In order for my H to be with her, they would have to move, because there is no way the people we know would accept THEIR relationship. How could they show their faces together?? It is so unrealistic. He would totally ruin his reputation in our circle of friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does this mean you still haven't exposed them?

WAT

Well, I did talk to the pres. of the board back in March. He told me that he would not allow them both to be on the board together for the new term which starts now. Unfortunately, they are both still on the board, but he is going to ask one or both of them to step down.

As far as exposing to everyone and their dog, no I have not done that. A couple of my close friends know and all of my family knows. His family knows we are having problems, but he hasn't told them about loving an OW. I told him he needs to. He said but that would involve him telling the whole story about me and he doesn't want to put me in a bad light. I told him I really didn't care if they knew. All the people that I really care about, close friends and my family, know about my past.

I did tell him that once he moves out, I will not hesitate to tell people why he chose to leave his family. I've told him he is going to ruin his reputation, and hers (good).

Boy, you should have seen how angry OW was when she found out I had told the board pres. She sent me a really nasty email and of course denied anything but a friendship and insisted that I had dragged her into this. I had to laugh to myself because she is the one who stepped into my H's life, into my M. She is lower than a worm. You were right, I never should have appealed to any sense of integrity I thought she might have. She has none. Any one with an ounce of integrity would have stepped away from a situation that would destroy a 10 year old boys whole world and cause misery to another human being. Must be the fog....

They've actually slowed down their talking a lot lately, maybe once a week or so. Sad part is, its enough to keep my H hanging on to something he thinks is going to make him happy. And its enough to keep him from choosing to commit to his family.

My run felt good, although I had a complete melt down in the shower when I came home. It hurts so much to know that the person I have loved for 13+ years, is in love with someone else. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I just can't wake up from.

Hi NId,
I remember you. I'm still here.

Anyway, I agree with your priest you have fought the good fight.

Good luck to you. Remember it's his loss.

Mac

I assume he never attempted a real NC with OW. If so, then he really didn't get a chance to see if love could be restored with you. His loss.

Did he ever read SAA, Not Just Friends, or Torn Asunder? How about HNHN? Since he has been on both sides of this A stuff...I would have thought something might have been able to break through the fog a bit.

I don't think the fat lady has sung quite yet in your sitch. I don't know how long it may take him to see the light or even if he will. I just hope he does, and before you've moved on too much for him to have a chance to recover your marriage.

Nid - you're your own worst enemy.

If you had exposed them the way we encouraged you to last winter, you could be a LOT better off right now. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Boy, you should have seen how angry OW was when she found out I had told the board pres. She sent me a really nasty email and of course denied anything but a friendship and insisted that I had dragged her into this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And why do you think she was angry? Because you were threatening their secret!

Nid, Nid, Nid.

I can't do any more for you until you expose to all, and I mean ALL.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he ever read SAA, Not Just Friends, or Torn Asunder? How about HNHN? Since he has been on both sides of this A stuff...I would have thought something might have been able to break through the fog a bit.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've bought them all and read them myself, but he was not interested in reading anything that may enlighten him. He seeks no one's advice except OW, someone who was a failure to her own family. He doesn't know if he wants to fix it. He doesn't know what he wants period.

WAT, I know, I wish I could have exposed completely. Its just that if he has been so unable to forgive me for my past mistakes, I know if I had done exposure the way everyone said to, he would have never forgiven me and it would have been over right then and there. Besides, I've actually found the physical proof that their relationship was more than friendship. I would have never known, if I had exposed them sooner. It was only a few weeks ago that I found the "I'm so in love with you...blah, blah, blah" and other lines on his computer. There is no disputing it anymore. I'm glad I'm not insane. It was almost a relief to see it with my own two eyes instead of just assuming it to be true.

I'm sorry I disappoint you, WAT. I'm no where near the basket case I was months ago. That's one thing I feel really good about.

Nid - at this point, you have NOTHING to lose by exposure and EVERYTHING to gain!!!

Don't believe the "never forgive you" crap. If he runs off with OW it won't matter!! He's saying he won't forgive you for your past mistakes to help him justify his actions! That's all! Simple WS justifications to help rationalize their affairs!

I'm worried you won't forgive yourself for not doing everything possible.

WAT

WAT, one thing my priest told me is that I should hold my head high, knowing that I have done everything God expects of me. He said I have given it my all and if my H isn't willing to commit, then we don't have a marriage that is glorifying God.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm worried you won't forgive yourself for not doing everything possible.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have any reason not to forgive myself for not doing everything it takes to save my M. I believe in my heart, I have done everything. So many people have told me they would have never endured what I have or fought this hard.

While I am inexpressibly hurt, devastated beyond belief, I am strong in my faith and trust in God that He will set me on the best path for my life. I am no longer that person who would run in here to MB in a state of utter hopelessness, shaking like a leaf in pain, and write to people to help me. You should have seen how I responded to my H when I found all the email subject lines he sent her. They crushed me, they tore out my heart, but I was CALM. I was IN CONTROL of my emotions. This has taken a long time to achieve, but I have. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me to see and hear how much my H loves someone else, its just that I AM IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. Wow, what a good feeling. Only God has helped me to achieve that.

Wontgiveupyet -

I hope that I can help you see how powerful exposure can be. I was very hesitant to expose at first. My H is in the military and his OW or should I say FOW was his boss. Exposure meant he could face getting kicked out of the military and possibly prosecution. This reason was the excuse I used to not expose.

I don't think you could come up with a better reason not to tell the world then the fact that your H might go to jail.

After months of misery and FOG talk from my H I exposed to OW's H. I just told him. That day is the day I list as the start of my recovery.

I thought my H would never speak to me again. I thought he would file for a D so fast my head would spin but I had nothing to lose at that point. I was headed where you are now and I was destroying my family in the process.

The day FOW's H confront my H about the A was like the day a light came on in his head. It was litterally like he woke up....and said 'What am I doing'.

It took seeing his sins through the eyes of the world to show him how horrible he was acting and how bad he was hurting the people he loved the most...my children and I.

He is a changed person now. The very next day he exposed to his chain of command...I didn't...he did. He took responsibility and that was the end of it.

You need to expose to the people he faces daily. This will stop him from excusing his behavior. Once he sees that his dirty secret is no longer a secret he will start to see this relationship for what it's worth.

You deserve better then this but if you do no expose you cannot say you have done everything you could. This is something you can do to bring your family back together.

If you do not do this for you please do this for your children. You are fighting for you M here. You are fighting for your family. The strongest method of fighting available to you right now is exposure.

Can you give me one good reason why not to? Just posts some reason and maybe we can help walk you through them.

I have exposed to OW's H. He actually already knew and wished he had told me sooner. I was thinking about calling OW's mom and H's mom, but I think OW's mom already knows. No consequences there I suppose.

I think once the board pres. sits them both down and tells them they need to step down, that will help. Are you saying that I need to tell everyone we know? Believe me, I've thought about it, I just thought it would drive him farther away from me. That's the only reason I haven't.

My good friend is like a cannon waiting to explode and tell everyone. She is so mad at him. Hmm...I'll definitely put some thought into this today.

Expose to the people who will have the most impact. People who look up to him will benefit you the most.

Exposing for the wrong reasons (revenge) is harmful but if you expose with the hope of lifting the fog it can and will work wonders.

Keep in mind that when you expose to state plainly that you love your H and you want to save your M. Do not expose and say harmful things about your H.

Can you think of any reasons why you wouldn't expose to all now?

I wouldn't ask you to do this if I hadn't been in your shoes and if I didn't know how helpful this was for me.

WAT tried to get me to expose for months before I did it. I'd give anything to have those months back. I could have saved myself a lot of pain.

Wishing you the best.

You know, there really isn't any reason why I shouldn't expose. I don't have anything else to lose. I've lost everything already.

I definitely wouldn't do it out of revenge. For me it is a last resort to save my M and get this homewrecker out of our life.

Please come to those of us who have been there. I promise this won't be easy but you need to do this.

And you haven't lost everything. You have your Son and you can't forget that.

Our kids should be our main focus in life. When dealing with an A it's easy to forget that. I know I did.

Let us help you through this. You can do this, I know you can.