Or would it be a good boundary? i just don't know if it would push her closer to him or what. Even though she says it is over.

well, I have the same situation. My wife has moved in with OM and his roommate. We have 3 kids, so I can't NOT talk to her. Even if I tried I don't think I could do it. I love her too much to cut off communication.

I've read all the courses of action I can take and have decided to do my own thing. I try to get her to come home as much as possible. Try to make her feel comfortable when we are together. Try not to act so sad when she's around.

Basically I want to keep a positive picture of myself in her psyche while she is confused. Whenever I see her I make sure I look my best, I act like her friend and not her husband, but I flirt with her ALOT. Trying to get back a little bit of what we may have lost.

Our relationship seems to be improving but she is in no way ready to come home. I don't know if this helps you, its just my perspective.

Good luck, I know how much it hurts, but I also know the hurt passes some. You'll survive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good to hear from you Juke.

I don't know. I'm struggling with "boundaries" as well. My IC is encouraging me to set them in my interactions with my own WW. If you are religious about plan A then I would probably say you should not make this demand. If you are ready for plan B then it's a natural part of it. But your WW just opened up to you a little about a week ago. You may not have leverage to make this kind of demand now.

Besides, just because she says it's over, that doesn't make it true. It's over when she's not living with him anymore. I don't think you should try to accelerate the end. If the thing is dying on its own, be patient and let it die. And believe it's dead when you see it with your own eyes.

GC

I already told her. I am sooo sick of this sh$t! She is the worst and most selfish person I have ever met. Cannot deal with her anymore I am done. She doesn't give a crap about me and I am last on her list. Why should I care about her. SCUM is what she is. I am soo pissed right now. She pulled me back into these messed up feelings.

Fair enough, Juke. You know what's best for you. If that's honestly where you are, that's where you are.

It's incredible to feel this way about somebody you've loved, isn't it?

How does it feel to have told her this? How did she respond?

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She pulled me back into these messed up feelings.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope - no matter what she says or does - YOU are the only one responsible for making the choice to fall back in to the mess. You keep making choices on hopes and desires, instead of logic and proof. Change you - it's the only thing you CAN change.

Saying that she is this or that - says more about YOU than it does her. She's following the WS textbook line by line, Juke - to expect differently from her is asking for disaster. That's like me expecting my soon to be 6 year old to think of me when he makes a mess in his room or spits his toothpaste all over the bathroom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Learn acceptance, and learn how to move forward in less than desirable circumstances.

I mean come on, how did you THINK she was going to react to what you said. While it would have been a boundry if put in to a Plan B letter - to say "If you do this you can't talk to me" comes off as being a selfish demand. It's an understandable boundry - but things need to be approached with the utmost precautions, and still expect the worst...because shes' in the FOG.

Sounds like Plan B is needed here. To go dark. Which means yes, no more contact between you two.

Then you are out of the mess...and she is stuck with it. I havent read all your posts, but I believe it is time for a Plan B letter...and then go dark. Dont give in, dont allow her to corner you. No talk, no emails...no nothing.

It isnt an LB to set up healthy boundaries. Your anger is rising, I see. Protect yourself, and any chance of your marriage reaching recovery, by going to Plan B now.

I Love Plan B. Hated it before I tried it. HAted it when I first tried it. LOVED it once it took full effect. And glad for Plan B now because it was the main ingredient in my wife pulling her head out.

It also gave me the power to take control over this crazy situation. So, in recovery, when my wife started slipping into "This isnt going to work, we should just divorce," instead of me going "No please...we need to keep working on this.," I just sat back, smiled and said "If that is what you want...of course, I am here to save our marriage, but if you want to go...then go!"

Watch what happens to you once you regain control. And then watch what happens to the WS.

Plan B my man!!

In His arms.

yeah. i guess i screwed up again. I feel like I have to have some sort of boundary. She hung up on me too today. I asked her how she can put me at the bottom of her list. She said that SHE (the all powerful) is number one on HER list. I understand that, but the way she said it just infuriated me. It has always been about HER, even in our normal marriage. ME ME ME that is what she says. She can have HERSELF forever now and she will be by HERSELF forever if she keeps it up. Not many will put up with her IMO.

Plan B!!!!!!!!!!!

Simple, enough???

In His arms.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

I've heard it said that when you are really starting to begin "hating" your WS, that's the time to get in plan B, the right way. With a letter and make a real commitment to it. You may need to do that now, buddy.

GC

juke:

Is a ducks butt waterproof?

I think it would be a bad thing, or at best the inappropriate thing 2 do FOR NOW. She only moved out in May. You've not had enough time 2 really do a good plan A, and she'll talk 2 you for the moment.

It may be time 2 go 2 plan B at some point down the line here. The Harleys usually recommend something like 6 months, but that's a customizable timeframe.

If you do decide you're ready for plan B, then yes, it would be appropriate 2 tell her you won't talk 2 her until she's been away from OM for some time and can demonstrate that fact.

best,
-ol' 2long

Yeah. i guess I should plan B now. plan A is too painful for me. I told her she needs to pick up the rest of her stuff and I think I am going to have a friend fill in for me. That way I won't see her or talk to her.

juke:

If plan A is 2 painful for you, what do you think plan B will feel like?

Before you go 2 plan B, recognize that one of the possible outcomes of plan B is DV. Plan B is not a bluff, it's 2 give the WS a taste of what life without you will be like.

In cases like yours where you and your W are so young and have no kids, the easiest "way out" for your W might be just 2 let this M go.

So be ready for that possibility if you make that choice.

...it's only been 2 months, folks.

-ol' 2long

Juke,

But remember, Plan B is a plan!! You dont go into this willy-nilly (did I just use the phrase "willy-nilly?). Read up, prepare your PBL and put it on here to be vetted. Prepare yourself for what you have to do. Remember...no contact once the Plan B is started. No matter what!!

You have some work to do before going into Plan B. Read up here, ask questions, read SAA. Read threads here and prepare yourself for your wife's reactions. Once your PBL is ready (you could probably finish it tonight and get enough responses by the weekend to send it to her this weekend).

I would agree normally with ole' 2Long that you need to go longer in Plan A. But your posts of late show that you are starting to LB and you are beginning to not be able to control it.

Time to take charge with Plan B!!

In His arms.

Yeah, but when I talk to her is when I hurt again. Without talking to her I am fine. Maybe i shouldn't be married to her if she just makes me feel bad. I feel like nothing when i am around her. Like i am less than dog sh$t to her and that hurts coming from her especially. The D has already been filed. Should be final around September. i don't know what I want anymore. She definately feels like it would be easier to let it fail. that is what she saw growing up and she is a runner.

2Long is right!! You must know that Plan B has only one guarantee...that this mess will be over soon. Either your wife will just keep on running...or she will come back.

It really is upto how she reacts. While the odds are that she will come back, not everyone does. Your wife could be one of them. Be prepared for that!!

But, the great thing about Plan B is that once you are in it for real, then the rollercoaster stops. You begin to take charge of your life again, with or without her. So, by the time she either leaves for good, or comes home...you are so ready for the new life.

2Long is right!! If you can Plan A for a couple more weeks, then all the better. But if you cant, prepare for the worst and hope for the best!!

In His arms.

juke:

"Maybe i shouldn't be married to her if she just makes me feel bad. I feel like nothing when i am around her. Like i am less than dog sh$t to her and that hurts coming from her especially."

Okay, you've just told us what you think she feels about you. What does juke think about juke? That's what will carry you through. Through 2 a better M 2 Mrs juke or 2 someone else down the line.

"The D has already been filed. Should be final around September. i don't know what I want anymore. She definately feels like it would be easier to let it fail. that is what she saw growing up and she is a runner."

Well, if the DV is in the works, and it's only 2 months till it's final, I would be willing 2 reluctantly bet that you won't hear from her until it's final, if then. Just be prepared, okay?

-ol' 2long

I just feel so disrespected by her in this. Man, and pathetic for trying so hard with her and her not caring. What hurts most in this is that she didn't have strong feelings to reconcile. None. then again, I know that could change, but feel as if i have blown my chances. i don't her that I wanted her to get her stuff so I can move on and not have to talk to her anymore. I guess that is a LB. She just acts like she doesn't care. probably glad because I am a reminder of what she did.

juke:

"I just feel so disrespected by her in this."

You aren't the first, man!

"Man, and pathetic for trying so hard with her and her not caring."

You try for YOU, because you respect YOURSELF. You're also trying because you're taking a stand for your M. And because she CAN'T right now. Time will tell if she can even2ally.

"What hurts most in this is that she didn't have strong feelings to reconcile. None."

She WON'T. You have 2 carry more than your share of taking responsibility for fixing your M at this point. But do it by working WITHIN YOU. You obviously can't "fix her." Believe me, I kept trying. Still do sometimes. But at least now, after 30 months of this, I can see that doesn't work.

"then again, I know that could change, but feel as if i have blown my chances. i don't her that I wanted her to get her stuff so I can move on and not have to talk to her anymore. I guess that is a LB."

Yes, it is. It's a SETBACK, but not necessarily an END. We all screw up.

"She just acts like she doesn't care. probably glad because I am a reminder of what she did."

Exactly, which is why you MUST not LB, particularly with such a short fuse on the DV.

I honestly don't know what you should do here, plan A or plan B. But since you can't control what she does, only how you react, I think you really need 2 think hard about the ramafications of what you do - either plan A (with the occasional brutal LB, if you can't control them) or plan B (with the possible outcome that you'll simply be DV'd in 2 months).

-ol' 2long