OK, I really need help... very long story, but I'll try to shorten.

FWH and I have been in MC for 2.5 years since his EA & brief PA were disclosed... lived through all the Plan A'ing I could handle... thought we were well on a road to recovery, despite the reminders, triggers, etc. and the fact that my FWH (who has tons of childhood issues... yes, he's in IC and working)still can't say that he is IN LOVE with me. Yet, we've been coping... on an even keel most days. And we both are truly working hard at putting this marriage together for the first time (16 years and it never was really one of those "good" ones... )

So with all the textbook success that seems should follow this brief history, why would I allow a series of harmless kidding around emails between co-workers turn into erotic, suggestive messages... which I didn't immediately call a halt to?!?! Here is this guy, whom I've never met, only worked long distance with and been mildly friendly with, who pays the slightest bit of attention and complement to me, initially, then initiated some serious flirting and what do I do... I continue to joke around for a short while, but eventually I responded with the same flirty kind of messages that I can only imagine the HWS sent to my husband on a daily basis 3 years ago... (oh yeah, HWS? that would be "home wrecking slut", for those who didn't read my posts a couple years ago)

This has caught me completely off guard. I came to my senses a short time ago and told the co-worker that I was uncomfortable with the direction of the email conversations and that we had to stop. He completely respected me and absolutely and totally stopped sending them... but for the past two days I fully participated in it... and I liked the attention! And why, even though I know it was all wrong, why do I feel a tiny amount of loss in ending it? I mean, afterall, here is this complete stranger who sent me emails or IMs the first thing in the morning, through till when he logged off at night. God, I feel like such a hypocrite... and now I don't know if it would completely destroy my husband and the progress we have made to tell him... or because I can understand how he could have so quickly got caught up, then he would feel better because I would finally understand.

Any suggestion?

Hope,

You don't have anything to be ashamed of. In fact you have something to be very proud of. You ended this EA the right way. This is exactly the way Harley recommends. Except that you still have contact with this man and that you, or he, may be tempted to engage in this again. Maybe when you are struggling with your H and are vulnerable.

I think you should tell your H. And tell him that you stopped it. Tell him how it made you feel. Both how it made you feel good and how it made you feel bad. Everyone likes to be complimented and told nice things and feel wanted. Share that with your H. And make sure you make him feel the way you felt when you were participating in your short lived EA. Make him feel wanted, appreciated, and feel good about himself.

Maybe even do a strong Plan A for a few weeks and then tell him. But tell him. And try to establish the NC with OM.

But you have to be totally honest with him, that is, in fact, what you expect from him. If he was to do this wouldn't you feel better if he told you. And told you he stopped. And you both could work on keeping the M affair proof.

Jeesh... I guess reading SAA and HNHN for the 6th time is starting to wear off on me. Finally.

Hope go to work on your M today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Again, I'm proud of you. Wish my WW did that.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

I did the same thing a couple of months back. But I already told my H that I was going to cheat on him the next good chance I got. Three days later I got a great chance. At age 50, that was fast going. The guy was really good looking and that's rare at this age. I found him very attractive and thought he'd do nicely for a RA.

Experienced the disappointment at not being able to meet him and the glow of anticipation that I might be able to meet him. Wasn't worried a lot about H as he'd let me down and felt I owed him nothing. Was worried about OM's wife as she didn't deserve my cheating with her H. But surprisingly I was able to argue to myself that she would never know and he'll cheat with someone else if it's not with me. But still felt pretty antzy about her.

But, like you, I put a stop to it. After much thought about my future life I decided I didn't want that experience as part of my history. Felt a bit sad to not explore the possibilities but that didn't last long. H knew the whole time and was afraid that I'd do it, and I enjoyed watching him squirm.

So tell H or not. Especially if you are vulnerable to this other man - but if not, well at least now you know how easy it is. It's just shallow, pointless attention from someone who means nothing to us. It's actually totally rediculous to get embroiled in this kind of nonesense. We humans are absurd at times yeah? But, you have learned how it feels - and that's a very valuable lesson as now you can empathise with what happened to your H.