I am continually amazed by betrayed spouses who choose NOT to expose their wayward spouses affairs to the light of day.

Ditto.

Especially those BS with multiple D-days, multiple false recoveries, and who are dealing with a WS who also has substance abuse or porn problems ---> the BS who ~still~ says,

"I don't want to make WS mad and push WS into the arms of OP."

Huh?

Pep

SG:

I'd modify this statement just a tad:

"Sometimes people have to learn for themselves, but to stop giving advice because it is frustrating doesn't help. "

ALWAYS people have 2 learn for themselves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Here's a doosie. I've posted this same question here in General Qustions before, but didn't get much of a response. This thread is right along the lines, so I would love to get input from anyone and everyopne.

My finance had an afair 3 years ago with a married woman (he was single). We (my finance and I) had never even met when this all took place. Since we met and started dating, he has invited this woman and her husband into my house, and we have done things with them socially many times. About 4 months ago is when I found out about thier escapades 3 years earlier. I was very upset and insisted that he end the friendship. After some time he finally agreed and I listened to the phone call when he told her that I know what they did in the past and because of that it was not appropriate for them to continue any type of contact. He also said the words "you can tell (husband) whatever you want, just never call me again".

I know that she will never contact him again and he won't contact her, but I have often wondered if I should tell her H about something that happend, and ended, three years ago. I feel that by urging my finance to end the friendship, I have done my part. What do you all think?

difficult one

Yes I think you have 'done your part' - i.e. you have adressed your own relationship.

However the question of whether the other man needs to be told is a difficult one. One could argue that if the WW has learned from that mistake and fully recommitted to the marriage then maybe he is better off not knowing. Doesn't ring true to me though. Evidence would suggest that she is likely to repeat the mistake. So on balance, I think he is better off knowing.

Is it your responsibilty in some sense to tell him? I don't really think it has to be - otherwise where would we draw the line. Are each of us to be a moral policeman on everyone else?

Maybe write to the other woman and say that you are concerned about her husband and think that he should be told. Maybe follow it up with an (anonymous?) letter to him.

However, be aware that it may have consequences for your H. Which brings me to a final point - I would be concerned that your husband could as you say "Since we met and started dating, he has invited this woman and her husband into my house, and we have done things with them socially many times."
Thats a big risk for YOUR relationship and very two-faced to the other man.
Your H has to live with the consequences of his actions - but so do you unfortunately.

Lady - The perfect, black and white answer is to tell the H all.

But I understand your reluctance.

I suggest you consider buying a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs" or "Fall in Love, Stay In Love" - or if you're daring, "Surving an Affair" - and send it to them with a note, "We found this helpful to begin affair-proofing our marriage. Maybe you can use it, too."

Maybe he'll put two and two together.

Just a thought.

WAT

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Bumped for InFaith. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

^

Exposure is really hard and counter intuitive, but It worked in my case, and in a lot of cases on here. 'Nuff said.

And...why would you NOT want to make OP uncomfortable ? The thought of OM reptile dodging plates gave me the first chuckle after d-day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

New to MB, too...please bear with me. There are many reasons why I have chose not to tell OW's H; first and certainly most important: How can I be sure that OW and OW's H will try to work out their marriage? What if OW's H kicks her out or leaves her? If OW is no longer in her marriage, would she make even more attempts to contact my H?

I agree with some...I certainly agree that I would feel a lot better if OW's H knew about her; however, from what I understand OW's H is a physical abuser (OW and their kids). Would my enlightenment to him cause any repercussions to OW and kids? I'm sure it would...and I couldn't live with the guilt.

Many other reasons for rationalizing "to tell or not to tell", but yet one more...What Would Jesus Do?

ISCCbean "what would Jesus do?". I dunno but he wouldn't be afraid to speak the truth to help convict of sin.

If you lose your WS to OM after Exposure, it is because they are having an affair, not because you exposed. Exposure subjects the bindings of an affair to the light of day. I guess some (but fewer than you think) affairs have strong enough bindings to survive exposure, and even fewer make it to 'public new relationship' stage.

One this is sure - by not exposing you are making it very easy for the affair to continue.

I had just the fears you state and more, but exposure empowered me enormously and helped to break the back of the affair IMO.

Read all WATS exposure stories and make up your mind.Good luck and God bless

Bumped for InFaith. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My apologies for being unclear...my H is no longer in the affair(s). Upon discovery, he severed all ties to both women. Sad...yes, 2 women--long term (more than 6 months) PA. I did the digging and found out about one...he confessed to the other "friendship". After 3 days of persistent lying and my having to threaten to go to both women to get the truth, he finally confessed to sleeping with both "friends". It has been almost 3 months since the day of discovery and I am 95% sure there has been no contact--except for one attempting to call him - I was sitting next to him when she called and he hung up the phone on her. Of course, we talked about it; however, it doesn't keep me from thinking...is he still contacting her??

Sorry for the confusion.

Due to recent contact from OMW to my WH, should I tell OMW's H about A?

WAT, as one of those who refuses to do what needs to be done I would like to say that while frustrating your message is not lost. I have been hit over the head by Top Rope as well as many others. And I would like to say that the message doesn't fall on deaf ears. Top Rope posted to me only once in my time here. It is a post that sticks with me. I have gotten my share of 2 x 4's and my point isn't to highlight only Top Rope but to say that eventually the message does get through. So while frustrating you are doing more good than you know. You are also on the post I am referring to. Have I still done the needful? No, but I'm no longer rationalizing it. Hindside is 20/20 and certainly I would have done things differently. Your contribution here is a gift and you dispense your time as you see fit. But don't think the "truth" doesn't eventually shine through. Now stop trying to confuse me with the facts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Bob, that was ME gave you the chuckle about the dodging plates. I'm so pleased it made you smile because you were going through the WORST right then.

Anyway, I have told about how exposure worked for me and my H on here a billion times but I will put it officially on this thread. Maybe I won't have to keep repeating myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My A was over but I was in very deep foggyland and on the verge of contacting OM again. I admitted as much to my H and he made the decision to contact OM's W. I wanted to be protected from myself and I also wanted OM's w to know what she was dealing with.

H rang the OM's w and she believed him instantly (as she would - she knew about OM and my 5 year bf/gf relationship as teenagers).

What has really worked is that if OM knows that if he ever contacted me, H would be on the phone to OM's w again immediately. He is, I assume, trying to rebuild his m and would not risk jeopardising that in a million years and same goes for me. And I must EMPHASISE that I have no intention of contacting him.

It really did kill the remnants of the A stone dead.

Jen

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Jen, you may not believe this but your 'crockery' post is what finally gave me the heart to expose.

It made me realise that OM was getting away absolutely scot-free.

I am reticent to post absolutes or even advice on here as all I know is my own sitch, BUT exposure coupled with Plan A CERTAINLY killed this affair dead long before OM and WW wanted it to end.

It hasn't worked in all cases, but in MY case and YOUR case Jen, it was the coup de grace.

{{{{jen}}}}

shift 6

SpouseGuess,

This may have already been posted, didn't read the entire thread.

But aren't you afraid that your WH and OW knowing you know, but nobody else knows, puts you in a dangerous position if/when they decide to start up their affair again?

I can relate to your fears that the OW's husband may become violent or get your husband fired. But it's just as likely, IMHO MORE likely that your WH and the OW could. Have you seen the headlines lately? A BS who knows about the affair but has not yet exposed it to others is in danger. IMO if the adulterers know of ANYONE who has discovered their affair, but has hesitated to expose, they may be tempted to eliminate the risk of exposure and affair interference by eliminating that person.

There have been several recent murder cases that involved a victim being silenced before they could share what they knew.

I guess BS's who don't want to do the exposure should just pretend they don't even know about the affair? That would be less risky.

BTW, my husband is a serial adulterer and I would have wanted to be told instead of finding out some other way. At least when somebody tells you they are also letting you know that they don't condone the betrayal. IMHO you can't know such a thing and help keep it secret without somehow approving or enabling.

Even if you think the affair is over, there are still plenty of valid reasons for exposing. The other betrayed spouse has a right to know. The other betrayed spouse will then be able to understand the problems the affair caused in their marriage. The other spouse can have a chance to fix whatever problems may have contributed to the affair.

Also, your agreement to keep it secret makes it far more likely the affair can and will start up again. And this time you will share the blame for not doing all you could to prevent that.

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Here's an example of the risky situation a BS is in when the adulterer knows they know... but they haven't exposed to anyone else yet:

(posted on another thread by TaneLornPete a.k.a. David)


posted February 27, 2005 06:21 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guess I should post a story here that has haunted me for days. I work in a top Hospital ER. The other night we had a triple trauma - 2 motor vehicle accidents and an overdose - kept the doctors relly busy. When the thidr trauma came in, it came thru me (a rarity - for any one who works an ER, you'd understand).

It was with a wife who had confronted her WH about an affair that had been goin on for some time. He stabbed her in the chest and throat 13 times. She couldn't speak, but I at with her for perhaps 3 minutes while her room was set up - she died in my arms, all she could do was cry.

I have never been thru such a difficult time (in that fashion) before. I've handled deaths before, but nothing prepared me for that. I do not understand the alien mentality of the WS. I just know that the consequences can be terrible. Can only say that I relate to what is written here...

David

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 05:27 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I think this thread should be bumped for newbies. That way WAT won't have to repeat himself so often and maybe he won't feel that people aren't listening to him!!!!

I absolutely agree with Toprope. Exposure is cery important, essential. Even if the A end upon discovery I think that limited exposure sure occur, after all it is the first step towards honesty and our spouses aren't the only ones we owe honesty to.

WAT, I used to be in charge of an area that worked with public and sometimes the employees would get pissed off and whine: "I've already told them before that they have to..." and I would answer "but these aren't the same people that were here yesterday".
After a while, it may seem that you are repeating yourself and that people don't want to follow your advice, but it's not the same people.

Hopefully you can get more good experiences with exposure on this thread and then we can simply bump it for newbies.

Please be therefor those who need it and thanks for being the "exposure man".

In my case, (I'm special, LOL, I live in a third world country where exposure is frowned upon) exposure came naturally to me because I am an honest transparent kind of person and I couldn't imagine not telling. Unfortunately OW is single and her mother and sister approve of the A, but nevertheless other co workers don't and if I have the chance I will continue exposing to other co workers who might make a difference.