After informing OWH on Monday about the A, he has evidently kicked her out or something like that. My H told me yesterday that she moved states away. In two days, she has up and moved?? Plus, he somehow knows this, so he must have had contact with her. I just do not think she could move that quickly, maybe just to get away to decide.

My H finally is resigning from his job in two weeks and says he needs to go away and think and get his thoughts together. He says his parents, but I am scared he will be going away with her, since she too is out of the house due to me informing her H.

I just am scared more now that they will be together.

My H has been by our house the last two nights and has stayed with me. Just a little talking and some hugs. He still says he is confused and needs to make sure this is right again before jumping back in. He does not want to go through this again.

I am just afraid he will choose to go be with her now...

This is not as bad as you think.

If he goes to be with her, he'll be getting a full dose, as she will be getting with him.

This is often a necessary and affair-ending step because they begin to realize that the grass is not greener.

You did the right thing and this actually is progress.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

I too hope that this is the case. I am trying to be his friend and show him how much he means to me and be there for him especially with this work thing, leaving his job.

I am trying to believe that is the case. I hope you are right. I am just praying about it and hope this is all coming out finally.

"My H finally is resigning from his job in two weeks and says he needs to go away and think and get his thoughts together. He says his parents, but I am scared he will be going away with her, since she too is out of the house due to me informing her H.

I just am scared more now that they will be together."

They will probably be together in one way or another....

Here's my opinion...

1. Don't be scared, be resolved .... if he moves out, he's still seeing her. Anytime a married person says "going away to think"... it means "going away to see OP without interference"... It's part of the alien playbook.

2. If your H moves out, change your home locks for "security reasons" if questioned, say "I did not feel safe at home alone with the old locks." If he wants back in, he'll find he has to go through you first. If he moves out again, new locks again. This is not a LB if he complains sweetly answer.... "It is for my safety when I am alone to have new locks. You do want me to feel safe, don't you?" Just repeat that over and over. You do not need to explain it any further... because he is gone, you make the decision about the locks.

3. If your husband wants to "go away and think" again, he'll be locked out again ... until he finds you, and gets a new key. THAT will give him something to think about.

4. If this goes on and on, change the home phone number as well.... same reason "For my safety if I am to be left alone, I need a new phone number." Toss him a curve ball.... keep him off-balance about what you are doing when he is off "thinking".

Pep

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

PS.... you do this without telling him beforehand that you are going to change the locks.

Your H is counting on you to stay home, meekly and worry about him when he is gone.... don't do that.

Taking care of yourself is not an LB.... and if you frame changing the locks as taking care of yourself... he will wonder just what else you may do to take care of yourself if he goes absent....

He needs to be thinking about YOU ... and what YOU may do when he is gone.... so, give him something to think about that is not an LB but ~is~ a statement of how you intend to protect yourself.

Make no ultimatums.
Pose no threats.
Just do.
And smile.
You have the upper hand.
He's lost his senses.
You still have yours.

Pep

If they never get to spend time together fulfilling each other's EN's solely, then they will probably never get over their fantasy. There is nothing worse than unrequited love, and if they are able to requit away...then the sooner they can see each other's warts.

It was after our false recovery when my H left and got back in contact with OW that he found her not so appealing...was she worth losing his family? He said it wasn't the same any more.

What if they never get to spend time together...then they'll pine for each other their entire lives (boo hoo hoo).

Sorry, feeling a little sarcastic today.

IF you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, change the locks.

Get separation paperwork ready. Lock down financial info and make sure he doesn't do any major withdrawal of family funds.

Do no inform form him of the separation paperwork. Check with a lawyer and get your options together. If they are both out of work, this c/b key to making their A harder. But they may not be able to see it that way.


L.

The way I see it, we don't really "have" them right now, do we? So if they are in 24/7 contact with each other it may help to start the fans that will blow away the fog.

My H left a week ago for the 2nd time because he just can't separate from her. I am quite certain that he moved in with her...I actually hope he did so he can start to see her in all her glory. He has never once told me he doesn't love me any longer and he still contributes the majority of his salary every week to our joint acct so I can make sure the bills get paid. Meanwhile, I continue to live in our beatiful house and do the best job I can to detach from him...no calls, no spying.

I have no clue how this will all play out but after 33 years of marriage I am not about to give up until the bitter end. Now that doesn't sound too good, does it? What I mean is that we have only been on this ride for 7 months so I think I can hang in there for quite awhile as long as it feels okay to me. If I reach the point at which it isn't okay or healthy or whatever for ME, then I have the option to divorce.

Granted, he also has that option and so far everytime the OW has pressured him to divorce, he cuts and runs from her. Like I said, not sure how all this will play out but at least for now I am hanging tough.

Well, I got more information, that she is going home to her parents in another state for sure. But, I think they have a home where my husband mentioned going, so that sounds a little weird. They could live for free, that is bad, because I was hoping that the money situation would help send a crack between them. I guess that is not the way it should be, based on money. It should be based on love, emotions and real feelings. I just do not hope that is there. Anyway, I guess time will tell. I just hope my friendship and true support will keep him here to work on us. Evidently she is not getting that from her H.

It should be based on love, emotions and real feelings.

For sake of arguement...

ALL feelings are "real feelings".

All emotions are "real emotiions".

ALL love is "love" one way or another .... depending on how you want to define love.

What you wrote is fog-talk. Could you please include the following words into your discussion of what makes a relationship work long term:

honesty
loyalty
commitment
listening
caring
investing
morals
values
integrity
shared history
attraction
compassion
empathy

.....because THESE are the character qualities that go AWOL in an affair,


I was wondering, would you please tell us what your plan is if your husband leaves "to think things over".

What will you do in his absence? Don't you want to shake his tree a little bit?

Pep

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>