In your opinion, does looking at porn (either magazines, movies or internet stuff) contribute to the need to have an affair? Does that make a WH want to go have sex with other women?

My WH looks at porn on the internet all the time and we have about a dozen movies in our house.

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: halseybach ]</small>

I'm not a WS, but IMO there wouldn't be a direct link.

However, if it is something that he does a lot then it may be indicative of other problems, some of which may have 'led' (remembering that he has choices here!) to an A.

Hold on here. I look at porn occasionally. I have an INCREDIBLY high libido, and porn sometimes helped me have an outlet when my W was not in the mood. I honestly could have sex every day, more than once if W was up for it. I try not to look at porn now b/c my W hates it, it is a real LB for her.

Did I mention I am the BS? It's all about choices. I had GOLDEN oppurtunities to cheat, but did not, despite my turbo charged libido.

An A is a choice.

No, I don't think so. Once a man sees his first pair of boobs, then he pretty much wants to see every pair of boobs in the world.

But, if you do not like the porn, then you and he need to talk about it.

It hurts my feelings and I told him that. It hurts my feelings because I think he wants to be with that type of woman (sexy, beautiful, exotic, perfect boobs, no cellulite, etc.) instead of me. I'm really insecure though. I asked him last night if he thought that looking at porn made him want other women and he said he didn't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What a **ck (sorry halseybach). But then your H is a serial adulterer, isn't he?

What does he mean by "I dont' know"? Well, duh, something makes me want other women, duh, I don't know what it is so, duh, maybe it's the porno.

Your H needs counseling. Is he seeing an IC? Have you addressed the reason for his evil ways?

GC

graycloud: he will not go to counseling. His reasons for the A were:

I was not giving him the good attention that he needed. He didn't feel like I needed him. We weren't having sex enough. He felt that OW (current one) was giving him the good attention that he craved and made him feel good. As far as the other 4 A's, they were one night stands. 2 while on deployment with the Marines and 2 when I moved with my oldest to Ohio to buy a home and set it up and he finished his last 3 months in the Marines in San Diego. Alcohol was involved with the four one night stands. He doesn't remember all of it.

Did you know that infidelity is geographical? If you live in an area where infidelity is common then you are more likely to be affected by the local mind set.

I think looking at porn was a contributing factor to my H being unfaithful. But, it was just a part of it. H was also mixing with men over lunch who talked smutty talk all lunch hour whilst drueling over young women walking by. Also my H's best friend had only recently told him that he was having an A. H was living mostly on his own in Asia and coping with the smutty talk and cheap copy porn DVD's he was buying UNTIL he, (aged 50) receives a letter in the mail from an attractive 26 yo asian girl, who was inviting him to get involved with her. She had big breasts and a big smile. He couldn't resist. He thought she was attracted to him. It's amazing how stupid men are. He, a 50 yo balding, gray headed man, of average looks, thought an attractive 26 yo was interested in him? Well, he had the letter to prove it, so it had to be true right? She was after money and she asked him about and for money and one time she asked him for a lot of money.

So our happy 30 yr marriage came down to H cheating on me for a girl that was playing him for an idiot. H didn't get any sex from her cause he wouldn't give her any money. It's enough to make me gay!

Halseybach, this is not good at all. I'm sure you realize it. If everything I'm told it true, your M needs to have a history that's separated into B.A. and A.A. (before/after the affair). Things for you seem to be pretty much the same as during B.A. It takes the full cooperation of both spouses to move forward and address everybody's role in screwing things up enough that one of you was a big enough jerk to start an A. Your H still believes his A was your fault, sounds like. How much attention are you giving this situation?

GC

anyname: one of H's affairs was with an Asian girl in Korea when he was on deployment. I currently have yucky feelings for Asian women (please don't take offense if you're Asian, it's just how I feel).

Turning Gay, eh? I've thought that too!! Make life simpler!

Graycloud: I spend every waking moment thinking of ways to meet his EN's. He is trying to meet my EN's. We both still have episodes of LB, but we try to get past them. Sometimes, I worry because we haven't had sex in a couple days and I say whoa...need to have sex so he doesn't go somewhere else to get it. I did that this morning. He starts nights tonight and I'm going to Chicago this weekend to pick up my oldest son and I didn't want him to have not had sex for that many days.

This morning though, he wasn't able to...well, you know. We were rushing cause I had to go to work, and when I said I wanted to have sex, he really didn't, but didn't say anything because he thought I really wanted to. He felt pressured to hurry up and come because I had to go to work. So, we talked and he said that when he wants to have sex, he'll tell me and when I want to (because I really WANT to, not because I think he wants to) then to tell him. He said that he is completely satisfied right now.

We talk a lot about feelings. That's how the porn thing came up. (last week, I went on the computer and noticed he spent over an hour looking at porn), which I told him hurt my feelings. Then, of course, I obsess about the repercussions of his porn thing. Sometimes, I ask questions that he hasn't had time to think about (like my question last night if watching or looking at porn makes him want to cheat or be with that type of women). So, I think that's why he said he didn't know. He never thought about it.

Some things are going well: we went to Chicago this past weekend (and wouldn't you know it, the place we stayed was in the Mexican part of town and as you may know, 3 of his A's were with Mexican women) and the museums we went to were filled with Asian tours (read post above about Asians). He would not look at the women at all because of my feelings. I noticed it. When he's see me start to get upset, he hugs me, kisses me, says sweet things to make me happy again. He used to do that when we were first married. I think that's a positive sign.

Halsey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It hurts my feelings and I told him that. It hurts my feelings because I think he wants to be with that type of woman (sexy, beautiful, exotic, perfect boobs, no cellulite, etc.) instead of me. I'm really insecure though. I asked him last night if he thought that looking at porn made him want other women and he said he didn't know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an issue that needs to be dealt with.

If something he's doing at home makes you feel inadequate, then he's helping to create a situation in which you might be drawn to someone else. Perhaps you should explain it to him that way.

One of the number one reason people have A's is low self-esteem. And a spouse who seems to care less or be indifferent towards that spouses self-image are often seen as unloving, or uncaring, when in fact they aren't. They either don't know how to express themselves in the way you want, or they don't understand how important it is to help BUILD UP the other person's self-esteem. Just as it is important for YOU to help build HIS self-esteem.

My suggestion is to try and get him to empathize with your feelings. Get his attention with a story about a female friend, whose H is upset because she really likes going to Chippendale's nights at the local clubs. How H is upset about it. If he understands the H's position, and supports it, tell him that that's how YOU feel, every time he watches porn. It not trickery...it's bringing him to the same emotional level as you are on in this matter.

But, as I said, you need to work this out. Now.

Bob

PlumbBob: I never thought of that! You're right, it does make me feel inadequate and I need to tell him that, instead of him thinking that I'm just jealous.

I try to build his self esteem by making him feel needed (and I do need him) and loved (and BOY, I sure do love him) and sexy (he is very, VERY handsome). He tells me that I'm beautiful and tries to be comforting and caring. I can tell when he's trying to be the man that I need.

I think we still have a long road ahead of us and lots of things to talk about. Its like getting to know one another all over again.

One worry: last night I asked him if my lack of trust in him bothers him. He said yes, because he's such an independent person and now he can't go anywhere but work and home or I flip out and that I need to know where he is at all times. I told him its only been 2 months since d-day and to give it time and give me time to trust him again. I asked him if he thought I would ever trust him again and he said "not fully". He's probably right. And, he's right that I panic if I don't know where he is and he is on a leash. I don't know how long he'll be able to put up with that before it finally gets to him and contributes to either another A or him leaving me. He didn't know how long either.