Hello All,
If your H was serving in a foreign land and made a mistake, by stepping outside the marriage. What would you want his first step to be to convinve you that he is sincere and is will to do what it takes to get the marriage back on the right track. If I call or e-mail telling my spouse that am I doing it too much or should I wait till I get back home in a few months and work on it back home. Now also, should I give up all e-mail accounts and passwords etc... to show that I am for real here? L5844

Definitely WAIT to tell her in person! SHE WILL NEED your arms around her..... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart

You should DO ANYTHING she needs to trust you. If that means no e-mail accts. etc. that's what it is! that is IF YOU WANT your M to work.

Hi L5844,

My husband is in the military (reservist) and he's been deployed many times overseas. Deployments are extremely difficult on a family and if infidelity is involved, it makes it even more harder to take. I don't really know your story, but from your question, I'm assuming that you have been unfaithful to your wife while stationed overseas. Correct me if I'm mistaken. It is very difficult to Plan A while you are physically separated, but it is not impossible. You'll have to try real hard. How did you wife find out about the A? Once the truth comes out, you will have to be completely honest with her. Calling and emailing is okay, but I think a hand-written letter to her would be even better. In this letter, you could reassure her that you have made a terrible mistake and your recognize this mistake, but you are committed to the marriage and you are not going to give up and do anything in your might to make it work out. Giving up email account password and cell phone records etc. might also help, but your wife has to understand that you indeed really want this marriage to work and that you are not just empty promises.

As a military wife, I know how hard it is to be away from the person that you love so much and if this persn betrays you, it's like a double-whammy. I know that the temptations are often great overseas, but I would caution anyone to give up their family or marriage for such a fling. It is not worth it.

I hope that you and your wife and work things out.

Kati

Heart,
Thanks, but I just feel frustrated right now becasue I konw I should be doing something. I caused this and I need to fix it. I have closed all accounts except my work account and the account her and I try and communicate between. what more can I do? L5844

Katie,
Thanks. the wife found out through an old aquaintance that Instant messaged me and thought it was me. and when the OW found out she proceded to tell her that I was still contacting her and she described pictures from my instant messenger that she saw when I was responding back to her to back off and leave me alone. So then my wife hacked into my e-mail account and found previous e-mails Etc... So this is what has caused all of this. I jealous person out to purposly get back at me for telling her to back off because I know I was making a mistake and I did not want this to go any further.

This is hard. Did you have an EA or an actual physical affair with this woman? So your wife found out from the OW? What a mess? She must be so hurt. Any chance you can go home on R&R any time soon? Please give more details - how long married, children, etc.?

Kati

Kati,
Yes this is a mess and wow what a mess it is. the OW was a past relationship that should have never happened. My wife took job out of town knowing that the milatary does not just pop up and move you and I was angry and that is when the OW came in the picture. She has been causing hate and trouble eversince I left the states because I broke it off with her and was moving on back to my marriage.

married 7 years 2 kids (on is a step child). no Need for R&R I am supposed to be heading home in 13 days if I have orders to be able to move closer to my family.

YEs she is hurt by all of this and it hets deeper than you can ever imagine. So I sit here and think what was I think and what did I get my self into. (again)

Okay, the good news is that you are going HOME and you've recognized that you've made a terrible mistake, but you'd like to recover your M. Have you written a NC to the OW? If not, I think that you should. Once you do that, give a copy of this letter to your wife. If the OW continues to harrass you or your family, get a restraining order against her. She has no right to bother your family.

You cannot control what your wife is going to do. Right now, she is extremely hurt and confused and she may say many different things. It doesn't mean that it is going to happen. When I found out about my H EA, I planned out my entire life. Made plans to go back to school, looked at apartments etc. This made me feel better, more in control of ME because I felt that someone had ripped the ground from underneath me away. This was one way for me to feel better and stop my life from spinning out of control.

When you get home, put your arms around your wife and tell her that you are sorry that you hurt her so much. Tell her that she did nothing to deserve this and that you are going to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. She needs to understand that you are indeed committed to her. Right now, she does not get that feeling. She may even have friends who tell her to file for D or something like that. People are always quick to say "dump him/her" and it confuses the heck out of a BS. Nobody knows what he/she is going to do, unless they walk a mile in your shoes. Giving up and getting a D is not always in the best interest of all parties.

It may take a little while, but I do believe that you M has a chance of working out. Keep coming here, asking questions and get help. Read all the books that you can and talk to your wife. You may want to take it easy of the relationship talk, but just everyday small talk is fine. Ask her about her day, the kids, dogs etc. Show that you are interested in her.

It is going to be a long difficult road, but I do feel that you two can make it. You sound like a good person who made a mistake. We are all human; sometimes we hurt others, but I do believe in forgiveness.

Hang' in there!

Kati

Kati,
what you just wrote has made more sense than I could have ever Imagined. I will continue coming here and posting questions becasue this is what I have needed and I am trying to my Spose to come here and read what others have posted. Now, She is seeing a counsler but I have no Idea what is going on with that. I just want to be involved with every aspect of the repair of the marriage and really show her that I am true about this Etc... SO I am taking all of the advice and putting it in my plan A-1 so I can get this marriage back on track. thanks again L5844

Just an FYI, her seeing a counselor might be just about repairing HERSELF. That is a good thing, you know? She is trying to cope with all the feelings - and it's hard to sort through it all by oneself (I know, I tried - and failed miserably).

I agree with Kati that it is about taking control of one's life back. I, too, made a complete financial plan when I contemplated kicking dh out. We bs have had control of our lives (it seems to us) taken away by decisions that our spouse's made. Decisions about our futures, our children, everything seems to have been stripped by the A. And it feels so degrading to be in that position. So, her taking control of this is a good step towards gaining back some semblance of self-esteem.

Let her know, tho, if her counselor wants to talk to you or both of you, that you'd be up for it.

You ARE doing the correct things. You really are. Kudos to you for being pro-active in this! Keep it up!

- Kimmy

L5 - It's great that you may be home soon. Write your wife, and tell her how sorry you are. And try to figure out how this happened. Your wife will need to know.

Believer,
I write her everyday explaining events leading up to this but I feel it is just diggin me into a deeper hole and it is annoying her.

L5,
You are burying yourself in a hole. All your words right now are just words. There are no actions to back them up yet - YET! She can't see you right now, she has no way of knowing your heart. The adage: Actions speak louder than words - is more than a truth to us...it's the only thing we have to know that a ws can use to back up the words. Words have hurt us because they were spoken by liers and cheaters (sorry to be so harsh - but it IS a harsh sitch).

Pray L5. Ask God to protect her and keep her close to him while she's hurting. Ask for Him to counsil her and speak to her His truth. He will, you know.

- Kimmy

L5844,

No more relationship talk/emails to your wife right now. Now is not the time and it seems that she is not receptive anyway. You may wish to send a short note every other day asking how she is doing, letting her know that you are okay. Let her know when you are coming home from your deployment and once you are home, go from there.

It will be (hopefully) easier when you get to see her in person. Be prepared for ANYTHING though. She may be angry, crying, screaming... Just listen to her; let her vent, then tell her that you hear her and that you wish to work out the marriage and that you are asking for her forgiveness.

All the other stuff (what led to the affair...) can be saved for a later time when things have cooled down a bit and when she is more receptive to hear YOU.

Have a safe trip home!

Kati

Kati,
Thanks I have started to do do what you prescribed and hopefully it will start to work itself out from there. She has been saying that she has had enough and there is n o more chances for me to fix anything and she is not going to let herself get hurt anymore. So from there do I just let it ride and give her time to plan her "escape" or do you think she is just gathering her thoughts.

L5844,

I said the same thing to my husband when I found out about his EA. Let her vent and just listen. Right now there is not much that you can do because it's just words, emails, letters. I know it is hard, but try to talk as little as possible about the marriage. Just let her talk and vent.

The real healing will start once you get home and you can see her and be with her. Reiterate that you recognize your mistake, you are sorry for hurting her like this and that you are committed to your M because you love her and the children and you wish to work out the M and make it a better one.

Give her some time to get over the initial shock. It's good that she is in counseling, hopefully it is a pro-marriage counselor and when the time is right let her know that you are interested in joining her in MC.

Healing is going to be a bumpy road and a rollercoaster ride for both of you. It is very hard. I understand that you are frustrated right now being so far away, but you'll have to hang tight and wait until you get home. Don't pressure or pester her with marriage talk right now. But do send her little notes about your upcoming return.

Deployments are so extremely difficult on a family and a wife. Here she is waiting for her husband to return from war and she was probably frightened for you life and then she finds out that her husband has been cheating on her. What a blow! Let her get through her pain first and then go from there.

Keep posting here and we will continue to help you.

Kati

Kati,
Thanks for the advice and Help, it is truly been a load off to talk about this. Anyhow, I am ready for the bumpy road becasue I can not even think of the idea of losing my second M (first M was an outer body experience) but i want this to work for my kids sake, my wifes sake etc... the only problem that I see is she believes that I am still having contact with other women in my past but actually I just have friends and what should I do if she can not accept me having female friends. It is not like I am going to Sleep with everyone that I know even though they are past relationships and NOTHING is going on there. So as I get more and more into this the deeper this will go (if you have not noticed) Once again Thanks for the Help and I appreciate all of this. L5

L5844,

Okay, listen to me! Female friends, no matter how platonic those relationships may be, are off limits for you! It will NOT be possible for you to rebuild your relationship with your wife unless you quit having "platonic" relationships with other women, especially if you had relations with them in the past. I don't care if nothing is going on between you and them. That is why you are in the situation that you are in now. See where it got you? Apparently you have problems with boundaries and right now is not the time to test and see if you can live within boundaries.

You have to ask yourself if you want a healthy relationship with your wife and children or if you want platonic feel-good friendships with other women when you KNOW that this behavior is hurting your wife and your marriage. Sorry to be so blunt here, but dude, this is not going to work. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. No wonder your wife does not even want to get close to the thought of recovering your marriage.

Before you do anything else, you need to be clear about what YOUR priorities are and what you really want. Do you want a marriage with a wife and children or do you want the life of a frat boy who plays different women?

Once you answer this question HONESTLY and please be HONEST to yourself, then you can move forward in whatever direction you choose to be. I'm being very clear about honesty because I would hate for you to waste your wife's time when you really still want to play around. She deserves better and she can do better than that.

So which one is it going to be?

Kati

Kati,
"It is Going to Be My M", Besides making it out of here safe I need my M to be solid and strong like it was. I know it is going to take time and from reading what you just wrote it is clear that I should cut all ties with the "feel Good" friendships.

Exactly! You are on the right track. Maybe it's time for you and your wife to make some new friends. Join a church, a gym, a parenting group. A place where you meet other couples together.

My husband had lots of those feel-good friendship with other women as well. He was always there to 'listen' to their problems with boyfriends/husbands, give advice etc. Being so naive, I never really thought much of it and honestly it did not bother me much. I completely trusted my husband. Boy, was I mistaken! This is how the entire rollercoaster started. It started from having coffees, lunches, listening into a full blown EA. Now, I do not tolerate ANY friendship with ANY single women, period! I asked him just the other day how he'd feel if I did what he was doing even if there is nothing going on. Well, he wouldn't like it and wouldn't tolerate it. A couple of his buddies used to talk about their girl problems to me, but they would come to our house when my husband was around. After a while I could tell that two of his buddies started developing huge crushes on me and my husband noticed as well. So, I stopped being 'therapist' to them because I sensed that it was not healthy for my marriage. I don't really have any male friends. I have lots of female friends and they are all great girls. We have tons of fun and it feels good to have friendships that do not cause problems.

Kati