Right,
Feel good relationships has turned into a real bad thing here, because as I think (now) about it this is how all this started. Though my wife and I were having problems with her moving to another city 4hrs away expecting me to get orders there for the WOT, and I wound up deploying from my original unit and it is all just a mess (sorry for rambling). i have expressed to her that when I return and If I get orders to DI School I want to go to counseling with her so we can work together on her problems, My problems, and Our problems. there has been a lot of outside interference that should have never happened and now we are both paying the price for it. Like I said at the start of this post " I caused this" but there are factors that led to this and I wish I would have never done what I have done.

It is very difficult when you are married to a military person to have your own life as a person. My husband used to be on active duty (he is a reservist now) and I didn't like it, BUT I knew this before I married him and I had to deal. It was not easy though. He eventually got out and we moved to a large metropolitan area where I was able to start my own career.

Your wife needs to understand that she needs to work WITH you right now. It is hard to be away from family and friends (heck, I'm 4000 miles away from my family...), BUT that is what happens when you marry a military man. You deal with it! I have found lots of support when I was a military wife, but you have to go out there and seek it. She will definitely have to get with the program and be a supportive military wife. It's an awefully difficult life, but she's not the only one.

Hopefully, you will get the orders that you requested when you get back so that you can get your life, your family and your marriage back on track. You two have a lot to work out. But she will have to realize that a military life style is not a stable life and she will have to learn how to deal with this and be a supportive wife to you. YOU will have to stop the talking and flirting with other females to make you feel better. Have you filled out the emotional needs questionnaire on this website? That might help you identify some of your needs and the ones that your wife was not meeting.

If you continue with your military career, it is very likely that you will get deployed in the future again, especially if you are going to DI School. So that is something that you will have to think about and that you two will have to work out.

Kati

Kati,
I was In the military before we M, and I explained the unstable life style to her. Since that time she has adapted very well and have made some pretty good friends. We are both work-a-holics and I am even running a retail busines while I am out her (Please dont ask How I am doing it, but it is hapenning) So, I am going to take your earlier advice and make the PLAN A-1 MyMain Priorty when I get home.

ok I am back in the states now and the atmosphere feels real cold. my W is talking to me but I feel like it is only to make conversaton and to be polite. I feel strange being here, simply because there is so much to talk about. I have found letters that she has written expressing her anger towards me, how she has purposly said mean and hurtfull things and she is upset because I will not go away. Now where should I turn with this stay quiet and to myself or be pushy like I was a ew weeks ago?

Hey L5844!

Welcome Home!!!!

Just the "normal" stress of a deployment will make things feel "wierd" when you first get home, but with the issues that you're dealing with, I know it must be even harder.

Don't try to talk about everything at once... You should really work on finding some ways that you can show your W that you are trustworthy... It doesn't matter how small the task it, if you say you're going to do it, then do it.... believe it or not, doing so will help show your W that she can trust you.

How did her letters make you feel when you read them? You might want to talk with your W and tell her how sorry you are that you hurt her... It's important for you to realized that your W probably isn't going to believe anything that you tell her... that's why its so important for you to look for ways to SHOW her that you care for her, that you are sorry that you hurt her, that you can be trusted....

Lastly, YOU must make it a priority to start MC... This is key for you and your W to even begin to start rebuilding your M...

Again, welcome home! Thanks for your service!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF,
Thanks,it is a plleasure to be back home. trying to get re-adjusted is going to be rough but I feel that the rough is going to be rough but I will push through it.

the leters just confused me even more because they are totaly different than ho wshe is acting right now.

Starting MC is going to be a rough one becasue of I am getting ready to go through DI school and there is going to be no time bu tmaybe on the weekend. I will just have to plan according ly.

anyway, thanks once agian RIF, and I am glad to be home.

Semper Fi
L

L5844 -

I am a military wife...like Kati. My H cheated with someone in the military. I felt cheated by the military and my H at the same time. After 10 years of devotion to both I had been pushed aside. Your W might be having these same feelings.

The stage you are in right now can be tricky. You are not in any type of WS FOG and that's good. If I could go back now and think of how my H acted after d-day I would wish for the following things:

No excuses...own up to what you did.
Expression of guilt and sorrow.
Do everything you can to meet her ENs...think outise the box on this one.
Let her vent and do not yell at her if she says hurtful things. You don't have to take abuse but she needs to let some of her anger go. If you get mad and yell at her it'll make it worse.
Tell her you love her.
Answer all of her questions...no matter how bad you don't want to. If she wants to know tell her.
Offer all access to email, phone bills, bank statements.
Be accountable for your time. Never leave the house without telling her where you are going and when you will be back. Call when you get there and call before you leave.

I hope this helps. You have to have absolutely no contact with any of these women. Even your 'friends'...I'm sure your FOW started out as a 'friend'.

Purchase books on recovery...several listed here. Torn Assunder might be helpful for your situation. SAA and HN/HN are perfect as well.

Your wife is in a great deal of pain right now. This will not go away quickly.

My suggestion to you would be to SHOW her that you love her and be there for her through her hurt and pain. I think it's wonderful that you are willing to work things out. My H on the other hand is not willing to work on our marriage so I am filing for divorce. It hurts like hell because I do love him. I wish I didn't but I do.
Just do what you can to make this up to your wife and be there for her even when she is angry at you for what you have done. Let her know that you will be there!!! Good luck!