I found out just a while ago that he took the day off and he is in town at her place. He drove all the way there, drove right past here.

Apparantly she is planning on going out to his place for the weekend.

I haven't even seen where he lives.

I am just sick about this . If he was really just using her like he said, to get his van and stuff, he would not still be with her right now.

This is him choosing to be with her, going out of his way to be with her.

I called him and he lied and said he was at work.

He said he is planning to come here on Saturday.

I am about ready to give up . I don't even know what that means though because I feel like I am trapped- stuck married to a man who doesn't want me, alone for the rest of my life.

I thought he was done with her and that he just needed a little time alone and that he would start to come around, come to his senses, want to be with me, be willing to work on things and that we would slowly start over.

He was calling me the past few days, but now he is with her, and lying again.

I don't get it.


It seems like she knows all the right things to say and do to keep him going there, hooked. From things I have read she knows what he likes and she makes him feel good about himself.

With me all these years he seemed like he just wanted to be free, there was not friendship, no talking , no intimacy, he acted like he wanted to escape from jail.

I feel powerless to do anything, and it seems like the deck is stacked against us ever making a relationship work.

He is so messed up , but he seems to be fine with her. They have this great friendship and I guess she gives him the kind of sex he likes.

No commitment, no expectations, just fun.

I would have loved to spend the night at his place, been alone with him, just to have fun.

But there is too much hurt and lies and stuff from the past. He feels guilty and trapped and I can hardly say anything to him without him getting upset.

I hate writing this negative stuff. I need to ptay that God will turn this around, but it all seems hopeless right now, impossible.

I jsut sit here waiting, like I have been doing for 18 years, and nothing has changed.

I am very depressed and upset right now, and I can't see any light.

This hurts so much.

((((((((shul))))))))

I feel for you, I really do. I'm so sorry. You need to start looking ahead to a time when he won't hurt you any more. It will either be because he's come back, because you're safely in plan B, or because you finally go to plan D. Start thinking about setting a date for plan B. Everybody says that once it gets going, if you really commit to it, you will stop being hurt by the WS.

You need to set a date because there will always be some excuse not to do it.

GC

shul, don't know quite what to say, it seems this day is full of events for everyone. you are so good at praying for others and i know you are almost in constant prayer for yourself and H. I'll just offer a few passages for thought. i'm sure you are familiar w/them.

Luke 18:27
I Corinthians 1:23-31
I Thessalonians 5:17, 21
Proverbs 3:5-6

continued strength and prayers to you and that you will quickly get over this bump on this very rough road.

You know , I think this site is for couples who had something good at some point, a marriage that you can restore, but in our case the whole thing was a mess from the start.

There was never any trust or commitment or respect on his part with me.

I can't expose b/c there is no one to expose it too. Pointless.

Plan B would just suit him. Let him off the hook guilt- wise b/c he can say that I ended it or whatever.


I just don't see any hope.

On the other hand, it was me snooping that is why I found out what he is up to.

I could have saved myself the upset and been in a much better frame of mind when he does come, to plan A.

And I know that no matter how hopeless things look that nothing is impossible with God.

I also know that the enemy is going to try to discourage me the most when things are about to turn around.

"There was never any trust or commitment or respect on his part with me."

Really? Is this the truth, or are you just in a slump?

If this is the truth .... then Plan B is the only way to go... it separates you from someone who hurts you ... doesn't respect you....

and you go about your business.... live your life the way you choose...

and if (in time) he does not come crawling back to you with his heart on his sleeve, you haven't wasted your time trying to win back someone who "never" was a good husband.

You say , "Plan B would just suit him." ... SO WHAT??? It suits YOU ... it protects YOU...

I think you are ready for Plan B....

If you don't go to Plan B .... then what is your plan?

Pep

Things were pretty bad between us, but not always.

I feel like if I plan B it is the end, and it is saying the last 18 years were a mistake- that it was going to come to this eventually, no matter what I did.

I don't have a plan, so I will pray about this.

Maybe God has been trying to tell me to give up. Maybe God has given up on him, and I should not waste the rest of my life on him either.

I don't know. I feel like it is dday all over again today.

I feel shocky, and I know this is not the time to make any decisions feeling the way I do right now.

One thing I have been thinking about is writing him an honest letter or email telling him everything about how I feel.

shul...

I think God wants you to quit making excuses for him...

I think God wants you to know that till he does right by his children...there is nothing he has to offer you..

I think God wants you to know that continued false respect and the use of you as he uses so many others in his life...is not what God wants for you......

God's not telling you or him to give up...

I think God wants you to start....

put your belief in yourself and God...

no letter shul besides plan b letter..
he can't really hear anything of great feelings...it will force him to retreat more...

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

"One thing I have been thinking about is writing him an honest letter or email telling him everything about how I feel."

What WH response, if any, are your expecting to this letter?

Is how you feel important to him?

Doesn't he already know you are hurt? Angry?

Write the letter here... vent.

Most of the time, these " how I feel " BS letters to the unrepentant WS are useless.

Why don't you want to make a plan? You could call the Harleys.... and get REAL help with your plan, not just message board opinions.

Pep

I wish I knew where he is at.

I spoke to him earlier and he said he will be out on Saturday, and that we could set a date for next week to get together alone.

He says he loves me. He has been calling more(when he is with her he doesn't call- he avoids me).

From things he has said I thought the fog was lifting.

It has only been a few weeks since he moved out of her place, and I want to give plan A a bit more time.


We have just started to be able to be with each other. I feel like I have worked hard to build a bridge between us, although it is very tenuous still, and I don't want to give up just when things might be starting to improve.

At some point I will have to tell him that we can't go forward while he is with her, or while he is lying to me.

I had a hard time in the beginning letting go also. (It took a bad decision on my part to ultimately open up both our eyes.) But anyway, once my H saw that I was ok, that I was "living" and having a good life, that's when he decided he wanted me back. My XH still wants to reconcile. To even re-marry someday.

I guess my point is this: the plan B is so very hard to do. But it will protect you. It will give you time to work on you, and not think about him. It will make him think more about you. Right now he knows that you are miserable, thinking about him and who he's with and what he's doing. He knows this because you let him know this. Doing plan B will end that. He will now be the one who is wondering what you're doing, who you're with, and he will be the one to be miserable. (My XH sure is the one miserable now, while I have finally learned to be content with ME, just ME, and I like who I am.)

You'll note that roughroad included my signature passage as one of your Scriptures to read. It's been a source of strength for me, and I hope it will be for you also.

((((((((((shul))))))))))))

So sorry for how you're feeling today. Is this a bad week for BS's or what? Same with WS's. Weird.

Please listen to Pep and the others about Plan B. You're letting him cake eat. I hate cake eaters. I've been there and done that. Every time he walked out that door, I panicked, wounds opening anew EVERY TIME.

This is not going to get better, you will not get better, unless you remove yourself from their chaos. He is lying because he is a liar. You must not listen to him and his pathetic drugseeking blabber. Plan A is getting old, Shul.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I thought he was done with her and that he just needed a little time alone and that he would start to come around, come to his senses, want to be with me, be willing to work on things and that we would slowly start over.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Translation: Time alone = Time with OW. Did he actually tell you this? I know that is what we all want. We cannot control WHEN this will occur, however, hence Plan A to make it as quickly as possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel powerless to do anything, and it seems like the deck is stacked against us ever making a relationship work.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are no real relationships in Fogland. Even the M gets foggy. MB can get it out of the toilet when the time comes. Your power is in your own wonderful self. Plan B will make you safe from his continual cr*p.

Please keep your chin up, Shul.

The timing feels wrong for a formal plan B.

He only moved out from her place a few weeks ago.

We just had our first reasonable friendly contact in person for months, a few days ago, after which time he started calling me- 3 times the next day.

It was the first time he has been able to be relaxed with our daughter, since he left. Before he was feeling so guilty that he was avoiding us both.

This is the only time he has been there to see her in a couple of weeks, and it seems he was in the city for another reason. I don't know for sure if she went to see him .

I am going to see how it goes this week.

There is one thing that confuses me.

There is absolutly no reason for him to call or make any effort to be with me.

In the past years he had no trouble telling me that it was over and he didn't want to see me again.

I do nothing for him, we hardly ever see each other. He is not getting his needs met by me at all.


The easy route would be for him to say its over and end it.

But he hasn't done that.

Why do you think that is?

Cakeman.... he's keeping you guessing... "Maybe if I just act nice, he'll give OW up and come home to me."

naw....

He will tell you these things

I need more time
I still love you
I am so confused
You don't understand how hard it is for me
Please don't throw us away
I need to get this out of my system
Don't push me
I see us together someday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

meanwhile, back at the ranch.... you wait
you wait
you wait
you wait

and......... he knows he doesn't have to hurry back home because you
wait
wait
wait

He'll come around and plant just enough hope into your hurting heart to keep you ... waiting and hoping.

ACTION PLAN....... what a concept!


Pep

Shul, how about let's you and I work on setting plan B dates together?

You think it's not the right time. I see what you mean. You're just getting good at plan A. I think I achieved a good plan A on June 6, though I was not screwing it up too much between dday (4/22) and that day either. Since 6/6 I've done very well.

I think I can make it further than the end of August, but I worry that the risk to my own feelings might start to get quite serious by then. Somewhere I read that men should be able to go six months. I am a patient man, and I could go to the end of October I think, but I worry I won't want my WW anymore by then. The other side of it is that I want to get myself built up to the point where all the sparrow's recent memories of me are positive. In that case the longer the better - and every time I see her I feel that I'm chipping away at her shell a little more.

So I'm thinking of choosing a day between my 34th birthday on 8/30 and Halloween, 10/31. Or maybe el Dio de los Muertos, 11/1, would be more appropriate. Of course, the sparrow might be nagging me for a divorce pretty seriously by then too. Who knows?

How closely can you pinpoint it? I agree now that setting a date is a good idea. I didn't used to, but I think it's necessary because there will always be a reason not to do it, always something possibly positive just around the corner. But setting a date gives you a time you can look forward to as the day when you start taking your life back.

GC

He isn't saying those things.

He isn't saying much at all when he calls.I get the feeling he wants to say something, or that he is feeling me out.

He isn't asking me to wait and he isn't getting anything from me cake-wise.

In all these months he has asked me for one favor, which I did- a phone number.

If he was getting something from me , I could see it.

If anything, he has been grudging for the most part over the past year.

He has wanted little to do with us, except for brief times when he was working out of town , (away from her) and was callng me every day.

Then the van took all his attention for 2 months.

The other day he seemed angry and resentful at first when I saw him- he thought that I was checking up on him.

After he saw my reaction he realised that wasn't true- that we simply wanted to see him because it had been so long.

I haven't asked him questions, or talked about the relationship, and he doesn't undestand why.

I have been doing a 180.

He has been so focused with the van that he didn't realise that it had been two months since he had seen his daughter,( except for 5 minutes on Fathers day).

Why would he bother to plant hope in my heart...he has no reason to.

He has got what he wants now, I am not holding him prisoner, not asking for anything except to see him every so often, once a month for an hour, which my daughter has said she wants.

Maybe I need to let him know that he is free- that he doesn't have to come here, or see us anymore.


I used to compare my husband to a dog we had once who had been abused before we got her.

It took me ages to get her to trust me. If I got too close she would snap at me. But she was hungry, and I had the food. She would come near me , snatch up the food, and back away quickly. she watched my every move.

I sat there quietly and she eventually saw that I wasn't a threat to her, but I had to be very patient. If I made any sudden move she would startle and run.

It took the longest time to win her trust.

The only thing I have to offer my husband is my love and friendship.

He doesnt want the marriage back the way it was, neither do I, he told me he is scared, and I think he doesn't know it can be different.


I think he is watching me very closely. Maybe hes scared that if he gets too close he will find himself tied up again.

I think I have to find a balance between giving him space, withdrawing- and being loving when he reaches out.

In our situation it is a bit tricky .

We have had to be apart many times ove the years because of this work, so 6 months apart is nothing for us.

He is working at one of those weather dependant jobs now in another city, and he doesn't have freedon quite yet to drive in this province.

So when he gets a rain day, he doesnt kwo until the last minute. He only knows about Saturday because his boss has a funeral that day.

So we could go weeks without seeing one another until about November, when he gets laid off.

I don't know what he will do then. He could go back to the ow and stay with her, look for work, or he could come to me and work in the bush or something.

But Jesus said let the troubles of the day be sufficient unto themselves, so I am not making any plans. His plans have changed about 6 tmies in the past few months. he has had 4 different jobs, moved twice or three times, and when he talks about comig here, or going there, I mostly ignore it. He is just trying to work right now, whereever and when ever he can. He was out of work for the whole winter and nearly ran out of food.I think it shook him pretty bad.

I have to take one day at a time in this.

And there are 23 hours left in this day.

Anything could happen when God is at work. And I am praying my guts out. So something will happen.

I missed that, what you said about taking your life back.

I have my life , I never lost it. I have kept on doing what I needed to do all these years.

I haven't waited for him. The only thing I haven't done is been with someone else.

This is not the first time he has left, and I have been down this road before.

I have gone on , gone back to school for 4 years, renovated the house the best I could , raised one daughter, home schooled ,and cared for my grandmother, worked as a spiritual care giver in palliative care for the past 5 years, run the local food bank and Christmas hamper program for the area.

I have the rough draft of a book in a box, mostly waiting for winter to get back at it.

I run a business ,work fulltime, work casual for Child Protection, and I am raising my daughter alone, with no support.

I have too much life I think.

Over the years I have coped mainly by prayer, adn this is the first time I have shared my problems on a board like this.

I talked to God more , before I came here.

But reading the posts gives me perspective on what he might be feeling. It helps me put myself in his shoes.

Shul, it sounds like to me that you are exactly where you need to be and were just feeling discouraged and satan was working extra hard on you. we don't know your H like you do. it really seems like to me that given your posts your doing everything that is needed. continued strength and prayers to you, RR