Still not ready to tell my story....

but after reading alot of threads the last couple days, I can see I'm not alone.

I feel all your pain, i truly do. It saddens me that people cant understand the sactity of marriage, the truth and desire for faithfulness.

God has been knocking my my door since Dec 2003.....and on July 18, 2004, I;m finally letting him in. And the pain i feel, is alomost unbearable. I get shook up just typing this..... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and because of that, i know he is here with me now.


My wife and I are going to get thru this.....I truly beleive that what happen was meant to be...a wakeup call so to speak. God has a plan for us. As strange and hard as it is to accept.

I feel our life is just starting after 10 years of marriage....

My story is sad, but we are on the right track...we started our recovery on the same day i found out.....

I BELIEVE!

TMW,

I'm sad for you, but also very glad that you found this site. I understand your pain and hurt and sometimes it feels that it almost too much to take, but you WILL get through this. And we can help you. Take your time; no need to rush into telling everything until YOU are ready.

Prayers are with you.

Kati

thank you kati...

not one to judge others, but my situation may not be as bad as most....

my W's A?...hhmmmm...I wouldnt call it that...I perfer to call it a foolish drunken moment (ONS?, not realy, but close...very close) that never should have been....she knows it and is deeply sorry. But the msitake was made and here we are. But theres alot more to it....alot leading up to it....and alot more to tell and get answers for.

She blacked out and dont remember what happen...she dont think "IT" happened...but she woke up topless but with her pants on.....

the friend she was with that night said that the OM just said "he had some fun with her"....plus the fuker is engaged....I pray for his fiance...

This sounds REALLY scary, TMW. Is your wife okay? It almost sounds like a date-rape.

Another thing that concerns me is that your wife is drinking to the point where she no longer has control over her actions. Does she drink often and how much? Do you believe that she may have a problem with alcohol? If so, you may wish to find treatment for this addiction prior to even thinking about working on the M.

Another thing that concerns me are the "friends" that your wife is hanging out with. A real friend would have taken your wife home in her drunken condition and delivered her at the doorstep of her husband.

Have you considered tell the OM's fiancee?

Kati

Well kati…I don’t know were to start….

the friends is a whole long story in itself....AND IS part of the problem.

As for is my wife doing OK...I think she is for now. She is quit scared of what happened too....she just wants to forget it. She feels dirty and is very concerned for herself. Would I say it was date rape....hmmm...not sure, casue my W, the OM and her MARRIED girlfriend and her OM left a party to go stay at another friends house. (yeah..she told me about her friend cheating for the last month too..this goes with the hole friends thing..but i'll get to that later)


The night started at a wedding. She went to the wedding alone and I met up with her later casue I had a golf outing. When I got there she was LOADED. We stayed another hour, then left cause of 2 things. She said her friend wanted her to go out and since I was soo tired from golf, I should just go home and rest. Plus she was so loaded I was embarrassed. SO I said FUK IT….she wants her friends, have em….We got home and she said why are you so mad?...I said casue this was suppose to be our night and you want to be with your friends and I feel second best and I walked out the door to blow off my steam. She left anyway and left me a message that she might need a ride home later, I thought what the nerve of her!. She later left a mess at 3:11 am saying she was staying at a friends house. She came home after she woke up at 8 am...very distraught when she arrived. I didnt sleep a wink all night. She told me she messed up and was feeling miserable. I asked her what happened...she just cried....she was afraid to tell me. She finally said she kissed someone...we talked more about where she was in her head and how she felt about our marriage. She said she didnt know. Shes up set that she did it...but more upset that she dont remember because of being drunk. She also said that when she woke up….it clicked in the head….WTF am I doing?...I have a husband and 2 kids at home….why am I here?. It wasn’t until later in the day that she finally broke down more and told me the truth that she woke up topless and in a bed with this OM….but she doesn’t remember anything after we left the wedding…not our fight, not the phone calls nothing…she was blacked out on wine from 10 pm on.


The problems are many……

1st, my wife comes from an alcohol family, left home to live with her dad at 16…her dad became sick with ALS and she quite college to take care of him….dad died at age 22. She’s basically been with me every since she left her mothers house. We have both partied since we have been 16…only stopping for pregnancy and her bout with anxiety in her mid-20’s. I have never stopped….but I don’t have a problem with it…I enjoy a beer, but I know my limit, I don’t let it make my decision and I don’t let it consume me. My wife on the other hand has always changed when she drank….very loud, lewd at times….dont care (or don’t know) what she says or does. She has deep internal issues with her family background and such….she knows it and so do I. But these issue have not been addressed….EVER….(but she is going to start)

2nd, we were young when we got together…I understand that sometimes people get older and they feel there are trapped and that they missed out on life….regrets so to speak. My wife has always loved attention…from anyone…and as I look back now….I know I did not give her the 3 A’s she need as a woman. and when I didn’t she looked elsewere for it. We have talked about the attention thing before and I would shape up…then slowly fall back again. I just don’t know how to be romantic. After the kids and with in the last year my wife has lost some weight….and she looks awesome, very beautiful woman, I guess I didn’t do my part in telling her…..so she got the 3 A;s from other men when she went out with friends. She would even tell me about all the attention shes gets from other men, flaunt in my face so to speak. But I would just blow it off and say, ahh you just love that don’t ya….didnt want to be a jealous H. (but I know now she was hoping I would get mad and reel her back in…its what she wanted and needed ,and I missed the clues)

As for the friends…..we have the same group since highschool. There are 3 (females) in particular, plus the one she was with “that night”. The one she was with this past Sat, I think is a big influence on what has happened. She just started going out with her about 3 months ago….I mean they are friends, but they weren’t real close over the last few years, until recently. As I look back…I see it now. This friend would call…and my W would not hesitate to go out with her no matter what. This happened many times. Also over the last few months I noticed that my W was going out about 3 times a week. I wouldn’t say anything casue I told she can do what she wants, I don’t want to control her…(but as we talk now, she felt I didn’t care about her, so she would just go out more). Well I come to find out on D-day, that this friend has been seeing someone else for a month and she hangs out with 23 yo people who party hard. My wife got caught up in this life and the alcohol controlled her. As for the other 3 friends…they too ONLY go out with them selves….NOT there husbands…..I know now that all 3 of them have been unfaithful to there husbands….but no one seems to care. Most people I talk too out side this circle of friends always say bad things about these women…..and I think to my self….FUK…my wifes go with them sometimes. They are all alcoholics. My wife was living a lie and it all hit rock bottem on July 18, 2004. She has realized it now…..it clicked in her head…FINALLY.


Here is were WE are now. The deed happened on July 18, 2004. She told me the same day. She called our pastor on the same day. WE saw a MC on July 19 and then WE met with the pastor on July 20…..SHE SET ALL THIS UP ON HER OWN….so I know she wants to change. AND she admitted to being an alcoholic and attended her first AA meeting on the 20th, then again last night and shes going again tonight and meeting one on one with the MC tonight too. I will be meeting with MC as well. Plus we will meet as a couple very soon. I truly believe GOD touched my wifes heart…and she sees the light. She has totally admitted her faults…at least I think…I think there is more to tell, and she will when she is ready.


I have been wanting a change in my life for sometime now….and so has my wife, cause we discussed it way back in last Dec. But she wasn’t sure what it was. And neither did I. And along the way (last 6 months) we lost each other…and then this happened.


I feel that Jesus was knocking on our door for quit some time now but we wouldn’t answer or didn’t know how.. SO, as strange as it may sound…..he made this take place to wake us up. We are both moving forward and are going to put our faith in GOD to help us thru the rest of our lives and marriage. After the first few AA meetings, I can see she was found what she has been searching for and I am thankful. She is excited and scared at the same time. We both know she must get herself well first and then we will work on us.

We are not out of the woods yet….but we are moving forward…..OMG, this all happening so fast….and I need to step back and just let it happen.

YES I feel hurt, but I am not angry…..I believe Jesus has something to do with that, I truly do.


BUT…

in the back of my mind I have doubt….I don’t know why, but I do have doubt….I hope it goes away. I say this cause we even talked about it…..what if she gets sober, figures her **** out…and she decides that maybe our marriage isn’t what she wants. Yeah it’s a thought in both our heads, but we decided to block it and move forward in positive thought that we will find our love again thru faith in God and her sobriety.

I won’t change direction and I wont change my mind, my convictions to marriage, and faith are too great to be broke….I just pray that she finds that this is were she belongs….me, her and our 2 children….

TMW,

Between your login name and this line:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I won’t change direction and I wont change my mind </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...as the MB's resident Pearl Jam fanatic, I say hello....


My recommendations:

Do not ignore the significance of what has happened. Your W (and you if you've been with her since then) need to get tested. Scary? Yes. Finding out later? Scarier.

Just a thought.

I would like to offer some points on your most recent post. Time constraints may keep me from going into greater detail, but I'm certain that someone more knowledgeable than myself will come behind me and clean up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for is my wife doing OK...I think she is for now. She is quit scared of what happened too....she just wants to forget it. She feels dirty and is very concerned for herself. Would I say it was date rape....hmmm...not sure, casue my W, the OM and her MARRIED girlfriend and her OM left a party to go stay at another friends house. (yeah..she told me about her friend cheating for the last month too..this goes with the hole friends thing..but i'll get to that later)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She finally said she kissed someone...we talked more about where she was in her head and how she felt about our marriage. She said she didnt know. Shes up set that she did it...but more upset that she dont remember because of being drunk. She also said that when she woke up….it clicked in the head….WTF am I doing?...I have a husband and 2 kids at home….why am I here?. It wasn’t until later in the day that she finally broke down more and told me the truth that she woke up topless and in a bed with this OM….but she doesn’t remember anything after we left the wedding…not our fight, not the phone calls nothing…she was blacked out on wine from 10 pm on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I for one am not 100% sold on this part of the story. While your desire to believe your W may be strong, your reason to believe her is not at this point. I would explore this further. Hopefully, this is all. Be prepared that it may not be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The problems are many……
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As they are with all. But realize that both of you will have to face issues as well as facing issues in the M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Here is were WE are now. The deed happened on July 18, 2004. She told me the same day. She called our pastor on the same day. WE saw a MC on July 19 and then WE met with the pastor on July 20…..SHE SET ALL THIS UP ON HER OWN….so I know she wants to change. AND she admitted to being an alcoholic and attended her first AA meeting on the 20th, then again last night and shes going again tonight and meeting one on one with the MC tonight too. I will be meeting with MC as well. Plus we will meet as a couple very soon. I truly believe GOD touched my wifes heart…and she sees the light. She has totally admitted her faults…at least I think…I think there is more to tell, and she will when she is ready. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are all positive steps. Again, I don't want to play devil's advocate, just be cautious and keep your eyes and ears open.


I will also encourage you to begin reading stuff on the main site, and continue to post here. I also recommend purchasing a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley.

Good Luck,
Ethan

Great points Furniture,
I was thinking the same things. It's true I've seen people so drunk that they have no idea what's happening around them.

I remember being at a friends house at sort of a get together. There was alot of alcohol, a few guys a few ladies, but we were all just friends. We were supposed to be CLOSE FRIENDS who looked out for each other and respected each other.

As the hours got later and later, the drinks got stronger and stronger. The numbers thinned and there were say 5 guys and 3 ladies or so. I don't recall exactly how it happened, but there was music playing and one of the women started dancing, the guys were egging her on of course. The other ladies disappeared, I'm not sure where they went, but they left the main room for whatever reason.

So, here are 4 or 5 guys and this really drunk woman who is supposed to be out friend and she is passed drunk and flirting and dancing. I was just sitting there and one of the guys started making advances towards her. I had some decisions to make that I didn't want to make. I was only like 23 or so and the pull to be accepted by the group was strong! When I saw that one of the guys was removing her clothes, I flipped out. He was undressing her and the other guys stayed seated just watching...I couldn't believe it.

I WAS FURIOUS! I pushed him off of her, grabbed her clothes and threw her over my shoulder. I put her in a room in the back, locked the door from inside and slammed it, then I went back into the main room where the culprit and the other guys were. I lost it!! I was outraged that someone that we all considered a friend and hour ago, they would try to take advantage of when she was obviously unaware and drunk off her a$$. I know the guy who tried to have sex with her was drunk also, but he was not as drunk as her!

The culprit told me I was ruining the night for everyone and that's when I hit him. It took all those guys to get me off of him. If this isn't weird enough to all of you, here comes the really weird part. The next day the girl awoke with a hangover and her and I were talking....
SHE HAD NO MEMORY OF ANYTHING THAT TRANSPIRED THE NIGHT BEFORE!!

I knew she wasn't lying out of embarrassment, because that same guy came by to apologize to me privately. Imagine that? He apologized to me and not her!! Maybe because he didnt want me to kick his a$$ again! The woman talked to him and even joked with him just as she always did, that's when I realized she must have blacked out the previous night.

I felt she needed to know what happened, not only to teach her to control her drinking but also because it made me physically sick to see her treating him so kindly after he had totally disrespected her. I asked her to step outside with me for a moment and I began telling what transpired the night before. She was DEVESTATED! She had no IDEA whatsoever.

This was a long story and I haven't told it in years. I guess my point is you wife should be tested for STD's. The other point is those friends are not friends, they are jerks. I saved that young lady from being gang banged by her supposed friends. I'm pretty sure if things had continued no one would have intervened and it may have plummeted into something far worse.

I hope that you aren't offended by my story. It's more than just a story it a cautionary tale and a real life thing that happens when people drink too much!

BTW) I no longer have contact with that woman, or those cowards and especially that degenerate [censored], but on a high note, the last time I spoke with her she reportedly has quit drinking and cleaned up her act.

Regards,

FM

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

FM,

Sorry. Won't thread jack. But what a great thing you did for that girl. You are truly a rarity (like my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

In college, my H was a pledge to a fraternity.(he could tell it better so I will make this short) One of the brothers was coming on strong to a little sister of the fraternity.

She was trying to make him stop, but he physically wouldn't. This was happening in front of everyone, and no one had the guts to stop it.

H stepped in and of course the end result is he was not invited into that fraternity!

Oh, well, they showed their true colors.

And you showed yours.

Thanks for sharing.

RAP (FWW of NCW)

Thanks RAP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
but I wanted to make sure Thumb understood how serious this situation is and what transpired that night shouldn't simply be swept away, but it should be dealt with first.

This man who took advantage of you W cannot be trusted, he already proved that! Your wifes recollection is spotty at best, but a doctors visit will remove all doubt.

Make sure.

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
[QB] TMW,

Between your login name and this line:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I won’t change direction and I wont change my mind </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...as the MB's resident Pearl Jam fanatic, I say hello....


My recommendations:

Do not ignore the significance of what has happened. Your W (and you if you've been with her since then) need to get tested. Scary? Yes. Finding out later? Scarier.

Just a thought.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I for one am not 100% sold on this part of the story. While your desire to believe your W may be strong, your reason to believe her is not at this point. I would explore this further. Hopefully, this is all. Be prepared that it may not be.




first off...I dont get this "quote stuff" so sorry if I screw it up.

and Hello Back..PJ has saved my sanity more than once...


As for your comments about getting tested.....I agree, dont know how to approach it....I think I will wait till I see the MC next Tuesday. As for not believing her....I dont know what else to think....I mean like I said at the end...I do have doubt....but if she dont remember...what am I to do? I try to bring up that night and ask more questions, but she does not want to discuss it anymore....she wants to move on.....which again gives me doubt....I want to beleive her...but that vioce in head says....but what if?


I can only hope that thru sessions with the MC she will totally come clean with me. And your right...I will have to deal with that truth when it comes.....IF its true.

Ok, first let me say that you and your W are in my prayers. Second, I want to enforce to you that Satan is always lurking around waiting for us to fall, or even stumble so he can move in for the kill. It's how you handle those insults from him that matter. You say that God has been knocking on your hearts for some time. Sometimes God uses adversity in our lives to bring us closer to him. The most important thing right now is to NOT turn away from Him now.

I have always been a Christian. But in the little over a year since I left my H, my faith, my dependence on God has strengthened. At first I was angry at God for allowing things in my M to occur. And I got angry at God for not answering my prayers the way I wanted him to. Through it all, I learned that God has a perfect plan for me. That He is my only source of strength and comfort. I learned the hard way that His timing is perfect, and that He only has the best in mind for me. Patience was the hardest to learn and accept.

It sounds as if you and your W both have faith in God. Lean on Him when things don't seem to moving well, or moving in the direction you'd like. Together, you and your W, with God's help will be ok. God doesn't want your marriage to fail.

Mine did. But my situation is different. My H had an indifference to God, and the sanctity of M. Not to mention he had an OW full time, and still does.

Being a Christian doesn't mean that our paths are easy. Doesn't mean that we won't have trials and difficulties. But it does mean that we have someone bigger, and forgiving, and loving waiting to hold us in His arms. And sometimes that's what we need to do...curl up in Jesus' arms and let him ease the pain.

Take care and God bless you both.
TB