OK, I am one of those who is having trouble with exposing the affair. I found out about it two months ago when my brother-in-law finally told me. My wife has told her whole family who are trying to get her to come back to me but pretty much all they are saying are things like "he is such a good guy" and "if you don't give him another chance you'll wonder for the rest of your life". Now, her dad basically told her that he will support any decision she makes but doesn't want to "pick sides".

The problem I am having is with exposing to my family especially my mom. My wife and my mom have been almost best friends since we got married. I'm afraid that if I tell my mom and my wife and I reconcile, my mom will never forgive her. My wife is scared of this as well. Now, my question to you is this, might the threat of my exposing this affair to my mom be an acceptable 1/2 step? I do fully intend on following through with it if she doesn't end the affair.

So far I've managed to let me ww "scare" me into not doing anything like this but it is taking away from MY support. Things have been getting better with my wife as we are talking about things more, including the affair, and I think she might be getting sick of this guy (guessing).

As if all of this weren't enough, one more log on the fire is this...I am a verbally abusive husband. I now this and I am getting the help that I need. My wife and I are also able to talk quite a bit about my abuse and I am realizing why I did what I did. This has lead me into the (probably false) position that I "OWE" it to my wife to not tell because I have "HURT" her enough already. Help...get ME OUT OF MY FOG!

"Mom, I have some sad news for you.

You may know, WW and I have been having marriage problems.

I have contributed to the unhappiness of our marriage by my verbal abuse in the relationship.

Unfortunately, WW has gotten herself involved with another man. The affair began (date).

We are both struggling with our bad behaviors.

I need your support Mom. I want to change my ways, and become the best husband in the world. I want WW to stop her affair and join me in making this the best marriage ever.

Please Mom, I look to you for support and guidance.

I love you Mom,

S'N'Sorry"

You need to tell your Mom. And this is not to hurt your W, but to help her. The more exposed her affair, the better chances of its demise. She really really needs to have her affair exposed to the light of day. Protecting her secret only serves to prolong the affair because you are essentially protecting her from the consequences of her affair. I promise you, this will work AGAINST you.

I like Pep's suggestion.

Tell, but express in the same conversation that you can and will do everything to rebuild, and seek her support. It wouldn't hurt to tell her that popular culture has it all wrong about affairs - it's more likely than not that couples recover and have better marriages afterwards.

WAT

That's all fine and great, but let me tell you what else might happen:

When WH told me about his first affair in April of 2003, I told my mom, dad and step mom. I was looking for support and help. My Dad and Step Mom told me that it was my fault because I was too fat, which just devastated me even more. My Mom got so angry she almost came up to my house to beat the hell out of my WH. When I forgave WH, things cooled off.

Fast Forward to May 26 of this year. I learned of 4 other A's, including his year long one he was currently in. I decided NOT to tell my Dad and Step Mom. I couldn't handle any more critisim and blame. I hated myself already. I made the big mistake of calling my mom again. Fast Forward to two weeks ago when she came to visit. She got drunk and started a huge fight with my WH in front of friends (new friends we just made). It was horrible and horrible things were said. I had the worst panic attack of my life. No matter what happens, she'll always hate him now and there's no way we can ever visit her together or her come visit us again. (we live in diff. states). She talks bad about him nonstop, even though we are in recovery.

I did tell his parents this time, to help end the affair. They didn't have much to say about it but that they love us both and hope for the best. They did not critisize or judge my WH. The were helpful and held me when I cried.

I will never tell my family again, unless I know its definately over and we're getting a d. I won't put myself though even more heartache. This last year has been the worst in my life and i feel i've been betrayed by everyone in my family. I don't have anyone to go to that i can trust anymore, but my WH.

Halsey, I am sorry you went through all that, but this did not happen because exposure is a bad idea, but because your family and in-laws are cruel, thoughtless people. That doesn't change the fact that exposure almost always puts pressure on the affair. Sorry you went through all that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

unfortunately, exposure didn't stop the a. he started a new and long one right after first d-day (while i was pregnant). He was uncomfortable around family but got over it.

i exposed my Wh to everyone . i ttold everyone of the A. his family, my family. i had all the support. i mean i was 8 monts pregent! well. anyway my mom had reasons to not like him before and certaintly didnt like what he did during this and afterward and id' even venture to guess she'll never really feel the same deep down about him But since we've been back together she has been suppporteve and showd me no signs of her not likeing him or supporting US! And i dotn know what i wouldve done all those months without all my friends and family to support me!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by halseybach:
<strong>No matter what happens, she'll always hate him now and there's no way we can ever visit her together or her come visit us again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has your H ended his affair? Has he apologized to your Mother for causing so much pain in the family? Has he proven that he is a trustworthy person?

Sure, your mother overreacted [getting drunk??], but you surely can't expect her to give your H a Son-in-law AWARD after the way he has treated you, can you? Did you expect her to LIKE someone who hurts her daughter?

Your mom was way out of line, however, your H was MORE out of line and needs to realize that your M's reaction is a CONSEQUENCE of his shabby behavior that he has to FACE. He needs to make amends to HER.

yes, he did. during the fight, he got very emotional and apoligized and told her how much he loved me and how sorry he was for hurting me. His A ended at dday and nc since 2 days after that. he's trying to be a good H. I told her all of this. doesn't matter to her and yes, i understand how she can feel this way, but her actions make me feel like she wants me to pick sides and be loyal to her and forget him. i can't do that, i love him. the only reason i wrote all of this was to give a different perspective to what happens with exposure. i learned the hard way who would support us and who wouldn't.

Halsey, you just have to give it time. It is your H who has wreaked this damage, not your Mother. It will take time for her to forgive your H and she will probably have to SEE, with her own eyes, that he is treating you good before she will ever trust him again. A normal mother is not going to like anyone who treats you badly. Its damn hard to see your child in such pain.

But again, that is not a fault of exposure, but a natural consequence of the affair. They are very destructive.

Whatever you do, don't let her anger separate you from her, that would be allowing the affair[s] to cause double harm.

Sad N' Sorry,
I'm actually going to disagree with some of the veterans.

IMHO the purpose of exposure is to end the affair and therefore you expose it to people who can influence an end to the affair .

Always start with the OP's spouse. If they aren't married, their parents. Then your spouse's parents, their other family members, friends religous leaders etc. If you have grown children, it can be exposed to them. DO NOT EXPOSE TO CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18-21 If the affair is between co-workers, then tell a supervisor. Keep working in outward circles until you've gone thru all of the people that you believe can influence an end to the affair.

I know in my situation telling my parents would have been less purposeful than telling a few key friends. My Wife doesn't care what my parents think. Once the affair is over few in laws are very forgiving. I believe Harley even says this in one of his letter responses.

So if you think that by exposing the A to your family will help end it then by all means expose. If your wife has been close to your mother then do it.

If they've always been cold to each other, what good does it do? In extreme cases it may even have the opposite effect. EG: Your wife hates your mother. Your mother is told and calls your wife and tells her," I've been right about you all along. You're a sl*! who tricked my baby into marrying him." This will just help your wife further rationalize her behavior.

I've seen people here on MB who say that a BS should tell anyone who'll listen. They've practically advocated making a WANTED ADULTERER poster with a photo of the WS in order to pin them up accross the city. What good does this do? It might make you feel better but will it end the affair. It'll have the opposite impact IMHO.

Also, the amount of humiliation and shame that a BS feels is usually directly proportionate to the number of people who know about the affair.

By all means tell people who can have an impact.

Mac

I agree with Mac and I don't think he contradicts Mel or Pep.

It's very simple - the purpose of exposure is to remove the secrecy and cause a certain amount of tension in the affairees such that their justifications for continuing the affair are overcome by the stigma or embarassment. Make it more uncomfortable than comfortable to continue.

With this in mind, exposing to somebody who has no influence over the affairee(s) has no defendable purpose. If one of the affairees is a public figure, such as an elected official, by all means, tell the public! Otherwise, keep the circles tight and only as big as necessary. Overexposure creates colateral damage that has to be overcome in recovery, potentially making recovery more difficult or longer.

WAT

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Good points, cwmac, and thanks for making them. It makes sense to use some selectivity in WHOM you expose to.

I would have to add, though, that fear of the relative's anger [towards the WS] is not a good reason alone to not expose. I see many BS' who get in the trap of helping the WS HIDE the affair for no other reason than they are trying to PROTECT the WS from the possible consquences of an affair. And it is almost always from a relative who IS KEY, because a relative who is not key would not care enough to get angry.