I think I need a reality check.

I have been having some serious thoughts about how to destroy the homewreckers life like she has done to mine.Granted I am doing better than in the early months and I will get everything I want in the divorce(WH is not contesting anything).But this feeling is building in me and I have been asking for help from everyone and God.Now here.

I just cannot let go of the fact that this "woman" knowingly gets involved with MY husband and causes SO much pain and suffering but smiles every day(seen pictures) knowing she achieved her goal,ruining my marriage, our family and to get her married man.The pain she has caused is unimaginable and she has hurt my children,the worst of all this.My WH will be paying his dues when he is poor and sees the kids EOW and loses the home and all that but SHE is the one that I hold a true a deep seeded contempt and loathing for.The homewrecker is a single woman without responsibilities except driving to and from work and is just waiting to have her shot at what she jealously wanted: a marriage and family.Although I have no idea if they have talked about marriage or (PUKE) children,my WH is too poor to get married again and cannot have any more kids(vasectomy)and I'm not sure she even knows this.What 30 year old woman doesn't have marriage and family as their goal? Most due,I'm not saying all.

Anyway,I need to put this in perspective and all along the way I seem to be losing it.I feel like I cannot let this act go unanswered.I'm not talking death(I don't want to go to jail of course) but definite retribution.

Help,help.I'm losing it little by little each day.

O

O,

Ever hear the phrase "be careful what you wish for?"

I would guess your OW will get what she wished for. In fact, I am certain of it.

Sweetest retribution will be HER realization that the fantasy with your H will dry up soon. THEN where will she be?

How long will HE stay with her when the "sweetness and syrup" ferments for a while? When he realizes what he gave up?

You probably have the IDEAL retribution siutaion. You just have to sit back and watch.

NCWalker

Live a good life O.

Don't get mired in bitterness and vengence.

You will defeat yourself and you have an obligation to be a role model to your children.

I know you know everyone here will say words to the same effect, so I hope it was what you hoped/knew what you were to be told and planned on doing simply with the confirmation of this community.

His family has already ostracised him, how do you think they'll treat her?

He will be a prisoner to his choices, always reminded by his parents and siblings of his weakness and destructive actions.

A pariah in his own neighborhood.

People that gain serenity through retribution reward the act.

Turn your energy elsewhere, seek serenity through your children. That reward will carry you through life into your old age.

OCT,,
You said a mouth full there,,, I almost ended my job, prob went to jail, maybe even got myself killed if I didnt have some really good friends to help me with the Rage towards The OM.
I would even drive around town for hours looking for him. I eventually found where he lived. I called my 2 brothers had my glock .40 my boys tee ball bat and we were on our way to get some payback.
Now think about what I just told you,,, do you see any good outcome from how I was acting.
Luckily my younger brother knew I was screwing up and called my best friend who was on duty that night,,,,County Deputy,, he handed me the phone. My friend asked "what in the hell are you doing?"
I said "I'm going to give this S.O.B what he deserves for destroying my life" Next thing I know he is flashing his overheads behind me. I pull over. He grabs me by the shirt takes my gun and says I will take you to jail!!! He said there is nothing that will ease your pain I have been there, not the bottle, not revenge, and damn sure not going to prison.
To make a long story short,,, thanks to my brother and my best friend I am now able to forgive my wife we are doing better than I could have dreamed,,,,whew...just telling you about it now makes me realize how close I came to destroying everything I have right now.
Trust me get with the closest friends you have known the longest, they care about you and are able to think much clearer and smarter.
It is no cure for your pain to take revenge on the OP. Take a deeeeeep breath,,, come back to sanity. I know it consumes you,,, I came so close to letting the Rage end my life. Thank god for the people who care. They are indeed Gods Angels.

Octobergirl,

I think most of us BS's have thoughts of getting some sort of revenge at one time or another, but I would urge you NOT to do anything.

From what you have written, your WH's fantasy life with OW is probably going to fall apart sooner than later.

Earlier today I read a posting from "Womanoffaith" and I found her writings so uplifting. Read some of her postings; I think, it may help.

Sometimes it seems that the WS get to have all the fun and they get to walk away from everything and start anew when in reality they are not.

YOU get to keep your home, you have the respect of your girls, HIS family, YOUR family, you get to keep your friends and familiar surroundings.

You write that OW may be looking to get married and have children herself. Your H may have not been honest with her and she may not know that he probably will not be capable of giving her what she wants.

My best friend had an A with a MM who left his wife and children for my friend. She divorced her H for MM. Once they got together, she discovered that he had a vasectomy (one of those that cannot be reversed) and could not longer have babies. He also lost everything when his wife divorced him including his job. The fantasy world came crashing down within weeks and she's now on her own and he's a 40 year-old man living with Mom and Dad again.

Octobergirl, your retribution will be sitting back and watching it all fall apart because it will. You walk away with your dignity intact, your girl's love and your entire life ahead of you to find happiness. You are still very young and I'm confident that your retribution in the end will be your OWN happiness.

Kati

Thank you all for the replies.I still have some inner work to do but your support has helped.

O

I just cannot let go of the fact that this "woman" knowingly gets involved with MY husband and causes SO much pain and suffering
How about the fact that your MARRIED husband got involved with someone else?
She could not have "led him astray" unless he was willing to be led.

Girl...you are divorcing him right?? You have done the paper work right??? You have to start changing the way you think now. It is time not to care anymore. Do not let this eat you up or you will be bitter and unhappy.

i know it is hard but we must to this to heal ourselves.

Nowdays whenever i get those nasty thoughts i push it away and tell myself that i dont care. Find that switch inside you and let it go. Dont allow this to control you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Octobergirl,

Take it from someone who knows, she will get exactly what she deserves, as will he...and you know this. You are stuck in this revenge place because you are afraid of what the future holds for you...being on your own after all these years, possibly dating and all that goes with it.

But what you may not know is that it is a good life, this single life. You have children, a home, good friends and a big strong heart.

And you may not know that there is someone wonderful out there just waiting for you to get your sh*t together. Isn't that exciting? That's what so wonderful about life, we just never know what is waiting for us around the corner. All you have to do is open your heart so you don't miss it when it comes.

Weaver

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Hiya O,

Long time since we've interacted. First, let me just add my support to what others have said here. Good people with good thoughts, what a great resource we're lucky enough to have found here, eh?

Second, let me share a bit of my most recent mess with you. Like so many others, I too have felt this need for vengeance, this need to hurt as much as I have been hurt. Well, I've been stupid enough to act on it over the past few months. But being the kind of person I am, I was unable to direct it outwards (maybe good, maybe not). I'm not an aggressive person. I'm not a violent person. In fact, just as an example of, one friend said to me recently, in quite a stern tone...

"When are you going to stop worrying about making other people happy, and start focusing on making yourself happy? You need to get over that!"

Well, there are a lot of little sordid details that really don't need to be spelled out here. But suffice it to say, instead of turning that anger towards someone who might deserve it (which wouldn't have helped), and instead of turning that anger into something positive (I sure wish I knew how), I turned that anger upon myself. I've done some very destructive things over the past several months, seriously risking my health, my home, my job...pretty much everything that has any real value to me. Heck, if they weren't so darn caring and stubborn, I can't even see how my family and friends have managed to tolerate some of my stupid decisions and behaviors.

But my point is just this. Don't let it eat you up. Find something positive, healthy, and meaningful to quell those feelings. Because they are a poison, a disease, a destructive demon that cannot, will not, bring anything good to your life.

If I'm lucky, I'll still have all of those things I almost lost, when all is said and done. But what's going to take me far longer to recover is my own self-respect, self-esteem, and the hope that I can find the strength to get beyond all of this to find a better life. Heck, it's going to take a lot just for be to begin believing that there is a better life waiting for me.

Don't let it eat at you. You deserve better than that, and so do your kids.

Best wishes,

UN

O:

Yep. "The best revenge is 2 live well." But since "revenge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person 2 die", then "The best revenge isn't revenge at all."

best,
-ol' 2long

One thing you might consider is sending the OW gifts. Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but it's worth considering. NOT nasty gifts, either. Nice ones. Flowers, say, or a card, or a gift certificate to a store you know she likes.

Crazy? Perhaps. But when you are so angry with someone that NOTHING will fix it, sending a gift changes the energy inside you. It forces you to ACT WELL even when you feel rotten. And it forces you to acknowledge how you feel.

And best of all, it allows you to have that tiny sense of superiority that we all occasionally need: "I turned my anger into a gift for your benefit. What have YOU done for the world today?"

Perhaps that last isn't the most noble of feelings -- but it's sure as heck a lot better than fantasies of revenge!

Oh, and one last thing. You said that you want to destroy the homewrecker's life. I understand that very very well. And at the same time, I wonder if that sense of utter rage is telling you something slightly different: Make it impossible for this to happen again.

That latter could be channeled into many, many useful avenues -- education for young married couples, support for single women who are thinking about getting involved with married men, support for married folks who are in the midst of an affair, support for kids whose parents have gone through this particular version of insanity, etc. etc. etc. Maybe that's where all that energy needs to go?

Thank you all again for your input.JustJ,I had to laugh at the thought of sending the HW a gift.I would much rather send something more appropriate to the situation.You know,a tee shirt with the words #1 homewrecker on it.

Everyone had sound words and I really do appreciate it.These thoughts seem to occur most when I know WH is coming home.He brings with him all the pain and insanity associated with what I am going through and then I hurt and then the thoughts come.I know I have it the best I possibly could under the circumstances.I should be feeling more gracious so I have work to do.

Eric,I am so glad for you that you did not go through with anything drastic.I would do something insidious but not risk my going to jail.I still want to be around for my children and I know that I am worth more than I have been lead to believe these past 10 months.

WH said to me last night that he has been feeling sadder each day.I don't really know if that's true.He also said that he was thinking of me a lot last weekend,when he was with the HW.Again,not sure what that means but it's getting late,very late in the game and it's almost over.We have our first Mediator session next month together.Yippee

Thanks all.You folks are the best.

O

Dear O - don't know if you feel like reading but Dr. Janis Spring has written a book on forgiving, "How Can I Forgive You?", it is wonderful, I am sure it will help you let go of all your anger and use that energy to refocus on what is important - your children and yourself. She also wrote the book "After the Affair" which was great

Everyone has given you such great advice, what it comes down to is this OW is not worth any more of your energy or time, hold your head up, and your revenge will be living the best life you can, Sandy

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

Hey Oct., I just want you to know that I am currently feeling the very same way as you are. I have also had some very "self-destructive" thoughts, almost acted on one of them. I was "Rescued" by my oldest son's 2 closest friends (they are like my kids), they saw what my boys did'nt see and came to my aid. They also said that my kids would not learn of my stupidity, which would hurt them terribly. I have now (or am now) turning to my boys for my comfort and support, it seems kind of wierd for them to take care of me, but they ALL (my 3 & the 2 friends) ages 16 -20, refuse to let me "fall down & give up". I know that there is someone out there, your family, children, or friends that can do the same for you, let them. As for the revenge, ha-ha, use it in a positive way, when you have a vengeful thought, turn it into a positive "make myself better" thought, you know like, OM wants him, she can have him, I'll do better without him, then she will have lost. Anyway good luck and prayers, Lana

Aaaaaaah

The revenge fantasy stage.... I remember it well.... rather fondly in fact. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The emotional volcano builds up pressure inside your chest to the point that unless you release it.... you just may explode and they will be picking up pieces of you in a 3 mile radius with a fine point tweezer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The rage has to go ~somewhere~ ... because it is lethal if it remains inside of you.

Just J's suggestion is fine .... I really like the gift giving idea..except I think you may need to maintain no-contact. And crossing boundaries with the OP usually increases the chances that you'll cross boundaries again.

If you cannot muster that level of sisterly love....

Try this:

Write short stories.... Use your imagination and fill tombs of intricate spine tingling revenge senarios .... until you feel the release of that volcanic rage.

Or paint.

Here is an example of how to turn your rage into art!


link to a painting of rage

Anywhooooooo

Release the rage without compromising your integrity. Or getting arrested!

Pep

double

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Just remember this: "Vengence is mine, says the Lord."

What comes around goes around. They will get theirs.

For a little added fun: read my recent post entitled the wedding . It took me over a year to deliver my revenge, but it was oh so sweet, and I didn't have to lift a finger to do it!

Hang in there...

OG,

Our situations are almost similiar. My homewrecker was married though. I had the rage but I wouldn't let anyone see it. I remember just taking a pillow and hitting it against the wall as hard as I could, just to release some of the anger I was feeling. I hated being angry cause I was just hurt myself and letting them get to me.

The OW is really after the lifestyle my in-laws gave us, every anniversary they use to send us on trips, like Rome, Barcelona, Hawaii, etc. Vacationing at their vacations homes, etc. She envied that. She tried to make friends with my in-laws. She even tried to help MIL plan my SIL baby shower when she was having the A with my WH.

The OW was also a client of mine and to think she had the nerve to look me in the eyes when she was sleeping with my WH, just disturbs me so. I even gave a beautiful floral centerpiece to her for Christmas.

My revenge.

First, My in-laws unknowingly helped me on this one. I didn't really have to do anything...she kept lying to my IL saying she is working on her marriage, saying how sorry she was and trying to play on their sympathy. Guess what, she got caught, My MIL hates liars. So she will never be welcomed again in their house.

Plus, if she was so sorry, why did she never aplogized to me.

Second, the OW will never have what you had with you Husband. I know I had the best years of his life, when he was young, God-loving, family loving and a beautiful spirit about him. What does she have? A man who is broken down. In my case, he is in so much in debt, separated from him family, lost his self-worth, unhappy, has no guidance and so-on. Their relationship is based on lies, secrets and mistrust. They can never trust each other completely.

Now the two of them are in Vegas. Sin City. A perfect place for them. No one knew they were there, until I was served DV papers Monday, four days after our anniversary. I didn't even have a chance to file in my own state, where I had grounds. Now she has robbed me of that.

Stay true to yourself, don't let them get to you. I became a much stonger person because of their actions.

Plus, the reason why your Wh is giving you what you and and not contesting the DV, it makes him look like a good guy.

oops! duplicate post.

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>