Last night WH and I went to dinner for our 32nd anniversary. All went well (after I LB with my "tone", because I couldn't get ahold of him - says it brings up all those bad feelings he gets from me when I use that tone).

After dinner, we sat in the car and talked. At first just general talk. Then I asked how he was doing.

I told him "We're being completely honest with each other, right? Well, I took something that wasn't mine (pulled out the pimp phone), and I'm giving it back."

He was furious with me. He figured I had taken it. I told him I knew he had another one. More furious.

We talked about how his relationship with OW wasn't real - kind of like always being on a date. You always show your best side. He said he could see that.

He told me that he was a kind and gentle person with OW. He couldn't be that with me (has been very mean since A started). He hates the person he is when he is with me.

I did no more LBing. He finally got in his own car and just drove off.

Then he called while I was on my way home. We talked for almost an hour. He's having a hard time making his decision (her or me). Then he started telling me that it was hard on OW too.

Then he said he's just having a hard time trying to figure out how to get out of this mess he's gotten himself into.

Right now I'm depressed, and resentful. I don't care what OW is feeling, that she's a nice person, and that I would like her if circumstances were different!

Where do I go from here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong>Where do I go from here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go plan B ... very dark one.

Get AD to help you out ...

Pray and let it takes its natural course.

-rh-

We are supposed to spend this next week together, going scuba diving, camping, etc. He wants to see how that goes. I feel like he is "testing" me.

I want to see how that goes, too. I want to see if my new behavior will help him to be kind and gentle when he is with me.

I plan on talking to him at the end of the week to see how he feels.

If he is still confused, and undecided, then I will go to plan B.

It's very scary, makes me nervous. I am taking anti-d now, have been for a week and a half.

Does this sound like a good plan?

I told him the other night that I knew he was still seeing OW, spending the night with her, but he hasn't spent one night with me at our home since we got the full story out.

He said he doesn't want to give me false hope.

I am in anguish!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K7 I am all about making a marriage work, and whatnot, but I can't stand what I'm hearing that he's undecided and still sleeping with the OW...Kick that sorry sob to the curb, or at least go to no contact, do something, enough with the niceness and understanding as you can see it's not working, now he's taking advantage of it. You deserve better than what he's giving you. You got to throw him a curball now and do something he wouldnt expect you to do. If you stop talking to him he's gonna wonder huh...If he can't make up his mind then damnit someone's gonna have to do it..and that's you. You'll see that the OW won;t be so enticing any more now that he's free to see her, and if that doesn't work then it will tell you how much he really cares for you.

Thanks X!

I see what you mean. When it all came out, I told him I didn't want to see or speak to him. After one week, he said he realized he does still love me.

His indecision is killing me. I'd like to give it one more brief try, then go ahead with Plan B.

Any other suggestions, anyone?

One week is not long enough trust me I know from experience. But sighh....one will not learn until they've learned the hard way.

"One more brief try" for what? for him to decide hey I do love you after all W...(meanwhile he keeps it on the downlow with the OW) then resumes back to the same ole same ole...

Until drastice measures has taken place, there will be no long term change.

Good luck

Can I get opinions from all (WAT, believer, pepper, etc.)?

This is all very scary. When I think of all the time we have been together, all the things we've done together, it makes me sad. All for what?

Guess it's time to work on myself. 32 years of marriage. Long time.

I feel like telling him..."you gave part of my life to someone else, I'm not going to let her take the rest of it". Haven't thought about my own life and my own goals in a long time.

Opinions....please?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OPINIONS.......PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm too indecisive at this point. Need all the help I can get.

My WH used to be an excellent, honest, God fearing man. I think he is lost in the "fog".

My fears of being alone double. Then I think of what my friends' mother told her..."there are worse things than being alone". I have to be stronger.

Last night he told me I was his "rock".

OPINIONS.......PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks redhat and X

I do value your opinions. I need to weigh these things in my head. (Don't think I'm not grateful for these opinions: if I get more of the same, then I will know what to do)

WH and M mean a great deal to me - that's so for all of us, I'm sure.

WH likes my new behavior, but I'm sure he is thinking that it won't last. I'm here to show him it will.
From the way he talks, I have been a monster to live with. I am a very easy going, quiet, loving person. Calm should be my middle name.

He says he can't be his real self with me. Example, WH: "what would you say if we were in a restaurant, and I said - Hey, that waitress has a great [censored]." Me: "I dont know what I would say."
WH "you see how you are (I've hear this from him a thousand times!)."

OW doesn't care if he says things like that. Doesn't care if he goes to a "titty" bar, or watch X-rated movie. He just can't be himself with me! (But you know, OW is such a nice person. I say, nice people don't sleep with other peoples' husbands.) Sorry, I'm being vindictive.

I need your strength and encouragement to do what is right for me. I feel weak, alone.

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forgive me if this post is unwanted under these circumstances. This is a religious post. (you had stated your husband was a God fearing man in the past)(you did not mention if you were)

Plan A.....to God.

Meet God's emotional needs first. (for God it might not be NEEDS per-se but desires for you to be with him) Make God your lover and you source of support. Seek to please Him first and find contentment in Him. Put all the worry and energy and racing fears and thoughts aside and deepen you relationship with God. He will help, listen, calm and encourage you according to His will. There is no greater advice I can give that this.

It took me to the brink of sanity, (very recently)a burning desire to claim whats right for ME and wanting a DIVORCE without delay. WW was not coming around, WW was not TRYING to work on the marriage. WW was lost, and as hard as I tried to change her mind, to please her, to give her everything I had,I realized her wants my will was not God's. As I have grown to love God with the same urgency that I was trying to love my wife I found more peace. It is a long and demanding road back to God and His love, but I could not have kept my marriage without Him.

Just my 2cents

I commend you for your desire to work through these trials. You will be a stronger person for it. Godspeed.

I am sorry if that sounds preachy.

K, how long have you been in Plan A? Where does he live? How long is the affair? Have you exposed the affair? When was D-Day?

K, is the OW married? Do they know at work about this affair?

Thanks to all....

I love God with all my heart. WH knows his actions are immoral.

The A has been going on for over 2 years, getting closer to 3 years.

D day was May 15, 2004: got test results back, contracted genital herpes from WH. Led to believe the A was a one time thing.

Two weeks later, someone from his work called me at work "Txxxx Mxxxx at the xxx building is who your husband is sleeping with." Then hung up. I freaked out, had to leave work.

Whole truth didn't come out til the weekend of July 4. He called her while he was here. Had been doing some snooping on his cell phones (that's how I found the "pimp" phone she gave him).

Told him (July 5) he needed to leave. Didn't see or speak to him for one week. When he came up the following Friday, we went to MC. There he said he had been being untruthful to everyone.

He moved to an apt. in the town where he works last November (to continue his A, no doubt). He hasn't stayed here at home since July 4. I'm working on me. I gave him SAA to read.

Now he needs time to make his decision.

What to do?

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

K, didn't you already send him a Plan B letter?

Is the OW married? Has the affair been exposed at work? Anywhere else?

Yes, I gave him Plan B letter on July 5 when I told him he needed to leave. Guess I took him back too soon. Sent it to OW too.

Obviously someone at work knows about this. He doesn't discuss his private life with anyone there. Only some friends and family know. I told his SIL about all this (her husband - WH's brother - did the same thing some years ago). I would feel indiscreet - a blabbermouth! Besides, I'm truly embarrassed.

OW is divorced from alcoholic husband....or so WH told me. Was married for 25 years. OW told WH that she loved him when she first heard his name. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!

Have I done myself in? Confusion, worry, and pain are all I have left?

K

By the way.....

WH is coming here to spend some time with me. I think OW bday is on Sunday.

He doesn't say if he's staying here, or what.

Should I ask him if he's seeing OW this weekend? Then if the answer is yes (he will be mad that I ask, of course), should I tell him to leave, and then go Plan B for real?

I know I'm not supposed to tolerate the A. Guess that's what I've been doing.

Thought? Suggestions? HELP??????????

K,
Let me guess? OW's H was abusive to the poor little lamb, right?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You need to find out if she is married so you can call her H. Don't believe anything your H tells you about her. Do you know her H's name? Can you disguise your phone # and call her house and ask for Mr. XYZ?

I would focus on 2 areas right now, doing a great Plan A and doing everything you can to break up this affair.

The best thing you can do hasten the end of the affair is expose it to the world. Expose it to his family, your family, his workplace. An affair cannot survive for long without secrecy so expose it everywhere you can. Make a list of all key people and call them on the same day. Exposing the affair will cause great conflict and embarrassment in the affair and hasten its end.


In the meantime, it will be critical to get your H back home so look for any opportunity to do so. It is also problematic that he works in a different town and I suspect this is what led to the affair. So I would start thinking about what you can do to change that situation.

Also, please don't give him books or try to educate him. It is a lovebuster and he is not open to being educated right now.

Melodylane

Please read my post before yours (we posted at the same time).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> By the way.....

WH is coming here to spend some time with me. I think OW bday is on Sunday.

He doesn't say if he's staying here, or what.

Should I ask him if he's seeing OW this weekend? Then if the answer is yes (he will be mad that I ask, of course), should I tell him to leave, and then go Plan B for real?

I know I'm not supposed to tolerate the A. Guess that's what I've been doing.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, K, Plan A and Plan B are in that order for a reason. If you go into Plan B too soon it is a RELIEF. So work on being as pleasant as possible with no lovebusters. Make him WANT to be with you rather than the OW.

Yes, you can ask about the OW and his plans and if he says yes, tell how disappointed you are.

Alright, I will continue being pleasant. I already asked him if he was staying here, he said no, he's going back to his apartment.

I would like to go without mentioning OW at all. Have so many questions I would like to ask him, but he gets mad at me when I say anything about it.

I guess I'll stay in plan A for a while longer.

Next weekend his band is playing at a nearby town shindig. I do want to go to that. So many things are going on right now that we both have always been involved in.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>