need help seeing the upside of all this turmoil.

i don't even know what to say, except i am emotionally mixed up right now and i need to get a grip before i go home. i did talk to H a little on phone already. he knows IC was hard today and a small amount of details, i'm having a hard time keeping focused on any strand of thoughts. i have accomplished nothing at work which just ups the stress level more because i have a big deadline next friday and i don't see how i am going to make it.

so i guess i have to give you all some clues as to what is going on, otherwise how can i expect any help.

discussion today was to talk about sexual history. unfortunately, if i wanted it all to be out on the table, i had to start with what occured when i was in 7th grade. what happened was in no way shape or form terrible. i have heard much worse stories than mine. so much so i fight with myself for even keeping it in my brain

but it seems stupid to go to IC and then not talk about relavent events.

i am not really sure how many times, over what length of time but i know it was when i was in 7th grade (maybe started before then too). but it was not after 7th grade cuz my brother moved out the summer after my 7th grade. he used to have me come into his room and rub him, thru his pants, until he was done. at the time i don't think i really understood, i'm not sure, and i didn't feel threatened by him. on the contrary, i really loved (and still do) my brother. i just didn't like doing it, didn't feel good and it would take so long. but i would anyway cuz it made him happy. he was a mixed up kid at the time, doing drugs, dropped out of HS. my dad gets the credit for straightening him up. he moved in with my dad for his last year of HS and he graduated with honors. he is a very smart guy, he just got lost being raised by an unhealthy mom with only 3 sisters around.

i brought a picture in of the 4 siblings taken when i was about 1yr old. it is not an adorable picture. none of us look happy. IC said my one sister looked scared. i just look small and sad and lost. it really is the only picture of us from early childhood that i have. i was so happy when my sister made us all a copy and framed it for us. now i have this huge urge to break it up into a million pieces and then burn it all. i love my siblings, it is not that. i just hate that i had such a ****y childhood and i have no happy memories to offset the bad. my siblings remember some happy times too, when parents were still married. their favorite one is about a camping trip when a storm hit and we had to leave to take shelter and then came back to a water logged site. they tell me my potatoes flew off my plate cuz the wind got so strong. i don't remember and that makes me mad. i only remember the fighting and the sadness and the pain. i remember my dad spanking me bear bottom pretty much every night cuz i would not eat (to the point of having a bruise on my butt the shape of his hand) i don't remember him playing with me. i remember being outside with a friend and hearing my parents sreaming at each other thru the window. i don't really remember the day he left. guess i should be glad i don't remember that day. siblings say that was a really bad day.

maybe i just needed some practice in saying all this. i didn't let myself be too emotional during IC, just the facts maam.

prince concert tonight, that should certainly lighten up my mood. i just have to get myself to that point. H is coming with me which is really very nice of him to do, he is NOT a prince fan at all. he says he is not going to enjoy the music but to fill a seat next to me. that is good enough for me. i am glad to be going with him.

that saying.... would you rather see a good movie by yourself or a bad movie with your spouse? he used to say... a good movie alone. well, tonight he is picking a bad concert with me instead of a evening at home without me. and that really means a lot to me.

this has taken so long that if any of you reply, i may not see it till tommorow now!!!

but thanks for listening just the same.

if anyone has any thoughts to share on how to see the silver lining on IC, i'ld be up to reading it.

First, I am sorry you have so many bad & ugly memories. But I admire you for being willing to work through them.

I know this all must hurt...the most encouraging thing I can think of to say right now is something someone told me once. That sometimes in life, you ARE in a mucky, icky place, with no way to go around it...if you try going around, you'll only end up in the same place. The only way to get out is to go THROUGH it, as you are.

Good luck--

Kathi

Sounds like lancing a boil. Painful, but it ultimately leads to healing. That's the goal, isn't it? The rainbow, the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel: to feel whole. Facing hard truths takes a lot of courage and it's not easy. There's value in it, though there's also pain. You're doing good work, digging out experiences and feelings that have led to dark attractions. It's really something to have an IC you can feel safe with.

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: DeNovo ]</small>

Your hubby is coming to a Prince concert with you?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just in case you didn't know... that's guy speak for. "I really really love you!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dewt

kathi, denovo thanks for your posts. you are both very right, even though it is painful, this is good for me, to help me heal and finally feel whole. that is the point of all this. i do feel very comfortable with IC and that is a blessing to have found her.

she is the only one that i have told about my brother other than my H (ha and now the world since i have posted it here!!!). When i told H (i think that was like 5yrs ago), he didn't have any reaction, and i took that to mean he thought it was no big deal, what do you want me to do about it? and so i dropped it quickly. when IC asked me if i had told H this ever and asked about his response i told her he had none. i realize now that is due to H's inability to communicate his insides and not anything else. we talked some last night on the way to concert about this. he told me two things, one, it occured so long ago and he didn't think there was anything to do about it now. i guess that is a guy thing, they want to solve problems with action. there was no action that could be done now except for the action of listening and validating my feelings. most guys are not wired to do that sort of thing. the other thing was that i have never liked the way my H critisizes my family. i know we are a messed up bunch, but they are still my family and i love them very much, especially my siblings, we are very close. so H said he was afraid to say anything negative about my brother.

IC gave me some good perspective. My daughter is 14, about to enter HS this year. she told me to think about finding out this happened to my daughter a year or two ago because that is how old i would of been, how would that make me feel? no question in my mind on that one, i would be VERY angry and make sure my daughter now felt protected and safe and that her purpose in life was not to make someone else feel good!

the point is not to get me to feel mad at my brother but to allow myself to feel mad that this happened and to allow myself to grieve the impact it had on me which would end up allowing me to heal and not have it subconciously taint my view of life.

dewt, you made me laugh! yes, going to the concert was definitly a statement of "i love you", i told H many times i was happy he was there and that i appreciated it. i said it to him exactly how i said it here... that he choose going to a bad concert with me instead of having a good evening at home without me and that meant a lot to me.

it was a fun concert but the parking lot afterwards was a MESS!!! H was pretty tired when we got home and was a bit cranky by then. not that that was bad, i understood completely!! nothing a little sleep wouldn't fix, something i assume he is still doing now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Kas,

thanks for the post.

I assume OM was out there somewhere in the sea of faces. I was a little nervous when we parked and we were first going in but then i decided to not worry about it. I figured the chance of bumping into him was so slim and if he spotted me or i spotted him, its not like either of us would of said hi to the other. like i said once before, we were total strangers prior to all this and that is what we are now. very much a shame to have given myself to a stranger like i did, but that is exactly what i did. very sad. i realize i have never seen my body as something sacrad to only be given to my H, it was so de-valued long before i even knew him. i know i will be having to dig more into that in the upcoming IC. that will be a hoot (NOT)

regarding posting here, i am glad it has been helpful to others, yourself included, but i dont' see how it is couragous, this is an annoynomous board!!!! and although i am honest here and i do put everything out there most of the time, what good is it if i cannot be this open with my H. i hide behind a mask, or a wall, most of the time. but even with that said, posting seems to have positive impacts, to myself when i write and i guess to some others who read it, so that is good.

there's that old saying "it's all good". not that it is an old saying to me cuz i only first heard that saying when OM would say it. now it seems like i hear so many people saying that.

ok, i am rambling now. and if i keep this train of thought my emotions will take a dive.

but they should not cuz things are looking up for me, i am getting the help i need, H and I are both into having a wonderful marriage, its the weekend and the weather is beautiful.

and i am doing better, i am being open and honest in IC, something i obviously didn't do 100% when in MC. and i am doing better with being open and honest with H. someday i might just grow up to be a healthy person afterall.

BV, you are doing great too. i'm not sure you realize how much i read your posts and the responses to your posts and it helps me very much too. i am not posting quite as much as i used to but i am still reading just as much. and your willingness to share your story and struggles help me very much. so i thank you for that.

have a great weekend, BV. try to relax (without the use of any crutches, i.e. alcohol, etc). Let yourself just be in the moment of each day, enjoying the things going on in the here and now without worring about the past or future. doesn't that concept sound good??? to just enjoy the now. as you know, i will not be around a computer over the weekend, but i will be here again reading and maybe posting a little bit on monday.

take care, Karen