im feeling down and upset and very very tired - i just want to go home and be extra attentive to my H but do not know how to get his attention - we seem to be distancing ourselves all over again - in small small ways - or am i just blowing it all out of proportion coz im the WS ?

Hi lils - I do not know your story, so I don't have a feel for your H's state of mind at the moment.

But from a BS's perspective, his emotions may be all over the map and unpredictable. In these (typical) cases, you almost cannot win the guessing game of figuring out exactly what to do ahead of time. You have to feel your way along.

I believe a good thumb rule to follow would be to be vulnerable and honest and sincere. This is what would have worked for me, anyway.

Whether a WS or a BS, a spouse working on the marriage alone has to be the giver.

Good luck,

yesterday was awful - the whole day passed in a haze - then i met up with my H and we went home together. unfortunately after that we did not see each other for 3 hours - he was busy on his computer and i on the t.v. - i asked him to join me a couple of times and he kind of passed it off so i switched on the t.v.

then 5 minutes before we went to sleep, he asked me what was wrong - so i told him that we needed to talk and that i would appreciate if he filled out the MB questionnaire - so he filled it out and then when we discussed it - he was so sarcastic, judgemental, angry and attitudinal - he agreed that he does not give too much affection, theres hardly any conversation and he rated physical intimacy a number 6. on the other hand he is satisfied with the affection i have for him etc. etc. and says that i can improve just a bit. i was very upset and realise that we cannot move ahead if he is not ready to do somethign about the mising parts in our relationship - he says that he cannot change as a human being and that this is all that he can offer. i want more - i do not think i am being unrealistic - i know im WW but i honestly feel that our marriage has lost all charm, excitement, love and happiness in it - we are together out of habit - but its a habit that he is willing to give up on. he told me that he wanted out in a month if things dont improve and for that to happen he wants to just shut up about the state of our marriage, not talk about it, pretend that alls well and move on (im using his words here) - what do i do ? i want us to work, but then another part of my brain is saying that theres nothing left to save - and that we should call it quits - but i am not sure if i can live without him - i love him and want him in my life - i want us to b happy and in love with each other - and i do not know anymore if I should just shut up and not say anything and continue like he wants us to- or try and beat him on his head explainging to him how important it is for us to talk and make changes in our behaviours, lifestyles etc. if we want this to work. he keeps thinking that i have a back up plan, and i want out - but that is not the case. please help me.

the week has gone by decently - my H and i are spending more and more time with each other and also keeping in mind each others needs - feel a bit lonely at times though - no contact with OM - no contact with sister too - this bit makes me miserable.

but i also told her in no uncertain terms that she and i would not talk to each other until she stopped being in touch with OM - coz that kind of triggers off various emotions in me and i get crazy.

pls tell me im now doing the rite thing !!!

lilspark - It is still very soon since your husband found out. Don't expect a lot of effort out of him right now. He is probably still reeling from the shock.

Everytime you think of OM, just tell your brain to stop or "Don't go there". Then think of something else. It is amazing how soon your mind will be thinking of other things.

Good luck. You can do this.

lilspark

If one of YOU suggest doing something FUN, outside the house, instead of splitting up and one of you being on the computer and the other watching TV all night, you'll have a better chance to reconnect.

If that's what went on in your marriage before the affair, is it any question WHY the marriage might have been vulnerable.

Inject some fun into your life, and do things differently than before. Silly, non-threatening stuff. Miniature golf, ride go-carts, driving range, movies, plays, thing you BOTH like to do, or something NEW and different. Neither of you should WANT the marriage as it WAS, pre-affair. Someone has to step up and be creative enough to make it new and different.

Just some thoughts for you to ponder....

SD

I notice ambivilance is an issue here... on both sides. You express ambivilance about your ability to tough it out and get over this trauma to try and recover your marriage. Your husband feels the same. He doubts he is skilled with the tools, the know-how, or the energy to will himself forward.

It is like a trauma ward in your home. Two injured people unable to do very much.

Try first to recover your own sense of balance and determination to press forward . Right now, it looks like you may have more energy to do the work, so you carry the load.

It does not matter what your H will or will not do right now, you owe it to yourself to recover the parts of you that you lost when you decided to have an affair.

Work on your honesty
your integrity
your courage
your communication
your ability to comfort your wounded husband

and relax when possible.

Sometimes ... just breathe.......

This is not a race. You must pace yourself. You must lerarn to tolerate looking at and being with your husband when he feels lost, dazed and confused. He is in shock.

Pep