Hi, this is for all the wayward wives on the board to respond to. I need your perspective on your experiences / what you felt / looking back if you feel it was right / what you eneded up sacrificing as a result of your affairs.
Much abridged Story goes something like this...

My marriage was having trouble and I certainly played a part in this, my wife said she didn't love me, couldn't see herself getting the spark for me, loved me like a brother, etc.
The wife has recently started an affair with a divorced man, who lives with his present spouse and has a 4year old daughter to her. The other mans spouse is also a good friend of my wife (go figure).
Can any wayward ladies please provide an unbiased point of view / advice that you would offer my wife so that she can uderstand what is happening to her. Even though my wife has destroyed the marriage with this affair, I feel that she is destroying her life with this flashy two time loser. Please avoid using any acronyms as she has never posted on this board and I would like to send her the link so that she can read first hand and learn from your experiences. Thanks in advance!!!

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

I'm not a wayward wife, but I can tell you this: trying to convince her she's doing anything wrong will not be effective, and will likely do more harm than good.

B-trayed, as a former wayward wife the only thing I can really tell you and it's not going to be much help is that getting a marriage back on track is such a huge rollercoaster ride, it's impossible to talk any sense into someone who is in the midst of an affair and I mean that most sincerely.

I had friends who could only sit back and watch as the whole unpleasant mess unravelled. They tried and tried but it all fell on completely deaf ears. (mine)

It has to be a lightbulb moment for the wayward person or, in my case, being dumped by the other person and having to face up to myself and my situation. I chose to recover my marriage because a) I've been married 30 years and b) I knew I hadn't been unhappy for 30 years although I did tell myself that in the midst of the affair and c) my husband is a wonderful person.

But then I found that's when the rollercoaster really begins and even though I feel safe enough to say we're a recovered couple I do believe it takes the 2 years mentioned here to really get a normal life back again.

Jenny

Thank you. Ladies please keep posting.

I suggest you not concentrate on changing her and DO concentrate on changing the only thing you CAN - yourself.

Have you identified the bad juju you brought to the marriage? Have you fixed it?

Your only tool available to directly upset the affair is exposure of it.

WAT

WAT and Kiwi are both correct. You will not be able to 'convince' her until the affair is over. Exposure is the key to that. Though it sounds like in your case, there may not be many people that care if it's exposed or not (meaning other man and his wife). Good luck.

RH

these comments are all correct... I am a formerly wayward spouse and, allthough were not out of the trees yet, i feel much more positive about my relationship.
its an addiction, and most ppl refuse to understand it as that, they gloss it over with other things, like "falling out of love" and i beleive thats a hard one to unravel... can she really recall back to the time before she bacame wayward (as an emotional affair or physical affair) and genuinely say she had fallen out of love.
I dont dispute that she may feel she had, but usually, those feelings are just caused by things that can be genuinely improved, if you both want to. you work on what caused her to stray, and if you want it to work, hang in there.
read thru here, there are suggestions (like plan a and b) to help move things along.
now that shes in an affair, its hard to see you for what you really are, because you are not as exciting to her. you are a known quantity who she can count on.
his flattery causes butterflies and all the things she misses from being with you originally.

my H took me out for a picnic by the river in a really secluded part of our "shire". we stayed really late, way past dark... and had some of the most exciting sex i have had in ages (teehee) ...that did wonders for my image of him! hes not so boring after all... and he can be romantic and surprising...

i had counted myself as imovable, but hes getting thru to me, and its thru his persistance and this site.

hang in, stay positive, dont love bust, read all you can in here, soon you may get her to read in here as well.

good luck!

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 06:42 AM: Message edited by: i_wunder ]</small>

B-trayed, Have you read up on plan A??? MR. Wat knows what he is talking about.

I am a Former Wayward Wife, FWW, having the Affair, (A) was the worst thing I could have done to my Husband, to our Marriage, and to myself. Biggest mistake of a life time.

The feeling of top of the world, euphoria, soon diminishes and you are filled with so much regret, and guilt it almost suffocates you.

You compromise all your beliefs, all your morals, and your reputation by conducting in away that is so completely inappropriate.

Unfortunately for you sir, your Wife will not be able to see this because she is involved, everything she is doing is real to her, she is fogged.

What is real is the bond you share, the Marriage you have, however until she gives up the other man she will not know this.

Plan A, is your new best friend. You need to change yourself to make yourself more appealing to her, show her the best of you at all times.

No Love Busting, just love and safety.

You need to know when the time comes, she will suffer withdrawal symptoms, and become very depressed, and no contact will be hard to accomplish.

Be her safety net, not a stepping stone, but a place where she feels loved and secure.

You basically wait for her to decide to choose her Marriage. That is why you make yourself as appealing as you can to help her choose the marriage.

If your Wife does read on here which would be great for her, she will realize we have all went through the same thing, and no Affair is special. It is all the same, blah blah, soul-mate, blah blah, he talks to me like no other, blah blah, he understands me, we all say that.

I'm sorry you are here, but there are many people who are very willing to help you.

May God bless you on your rollercoaster ride.
Please stay seated, and stay buckled, until the ride comes to a complete stop.

Ky-4

Hello B-trayed, I am a fww, your wife is definately in a fog and cannot see this OM for what he is. Has the A been exposed to OMW? Do you have any children together.

I felt alot like your wife, there were alot of problems in our M - no communication, LB, and I just wanted to be happy, I wanted to feel loved again, I felt my M was very cold, I felt that I was in my 40's - (maybe mid life crisis) and I
thought there must be someone out there who could fill a huge void, I know now it was wrong -the A just created more problems and it was really something that I am ashamed of.

What made me change my mind and want to work on my M was my husband's change, he began to Plan A when he suspected the A - by the time the total truth was exposed I was willing to do what was needed to make our M work - I could see that he truly loved me, he was willing to do everything to fulfill my needs and I didn't want to throw away 20 years of M. I could see the man I fell in love with and knew deep down that I owed it to everyone to try.

My children too made me want it to work - I come from a divorced family, it was very difficult and I didn't want to cause a huge mess to their lives,

I would begin to Plan A - read what you can - read His Needs Her Needs, find out what women want, if you can get her to complete the emotional needs questionnaires to get specific things needs that she needs filled, perhaps these are what the OM is filling and why she is attracted to him, if you can fill them too then she may get back those feelings for you,

definately keep posting and reading - this website is amazing, lots of good advice from people who have been there, good luck Sandy

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by B-trayed:
<strong> The wife has recently started an affair with a divorced man, who lives with his present spouse and has a 4year old daughter to her. The other mans spouse is also a good friend of my wife (go figure).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear B-trayed,

I would tell your wife..

If you're not happy in your marriage and you have done all you can to make it work and it still doesn't, then get a divorce. Don't cheat and keep "the best of both worlds" because you're too much of a coward to choose.

Don't steal someone else's H and break up another M just to comfort yourself and to feel "special". It will backfire on you big time if you are a someone with a conscience and if you care for your H and your female friend.

If you're in the phase where all you can think about is me-me-me I hope you stop to reconsider. Such selfish behaviour isn't a pretty sight in anyone.

I'm sorry if you feel I'm being too harsh. I still feel the pain of the betrayal and the lies from my H and the OW whom I trusted and loved.

Good luck to all of you. You'll need it.

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 03:34 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

The wife has recently started an affair with a divorced man, who lives with his present spouse
So he's now married, not divorced?

The other mans spouse is also a good friend of my wife (go figure).
Does she know about the affair?

From the bottom of my heart - A very "BIG THANK YOU" to everyone that has posted. Please feel free to keep posting as it all helps build a better picture.

Some more background for those of you that requested it.
1. No we do not have any children, although we were trying right up until the A started.
2. Yes we identified the LB / supposed causes for my wife to fall out of love. (Typical husband and wife stuff, not ever resolving anything thereby revisiting same old arguments, my very passionate / confrontationalist, wife conflict avoider, etc).
3. Me working towards acheiving the agreed plan X, and WW working towards her own plan Y.
4. No I have never had an A of any kind.
5. No, the other BS doesnot know of the A for many reasons).
6. WS has abandoned / avoids normal group of friends who frown on her new behaviour.

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

B-trayed, I'm not a former wayward wife either, but they have given me lots of help.

The other man's spouse MUST know about this affair. I have only been on MB for a few months, but nonetheless I have yet to see a good reason for letting this person continue to not know. Let's hear your reason for rejecting your obligation to tell her.

It would be wonderful if we could all sit our wayward spouses down and give them all our knowledge about the mixed up thinking that waywards use to make justify their affairs, how destructive affairs are for everybody, including the A partners, how they almost always fail, and how the biggest loser of all is usually the wayward spouse, who must give up the good in herself to puruse a relationship that starts with an affair.

If this worked, we'd all be doing it. Wayward spouses are so enslaved by their emotions that none of this means a thing to them, unfortunately.

GC

No, the other BS doesnot know of the A for many reasons).
When are you going to let him know?

Sorry updated the wrong post...

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Please keep posting ladies. I have asked my WW to read these postings and she has agreed. I think the fog has marginally started to clear...

What I really wanted was for any WW's to continue providing details on the following.
1. The fog - how skewed everything was while you were in it.
2. How or what you felt when you realised what you were doing to yourself, BS and family.
3. Why you had the affair to start with, and did it solve your problems?
4. What the affair did to your self esteem, self worth, etc?
5. Once the smoke cleared and the affair was over, what did you think about the other person you were involved with, were they such a great catch?.

I realise that I have a large part to play in allowing the A to start, and have admitted this to myself, WS and IMC.

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 11:45 PM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

Betrayed, I am not a WW but I may be able to give some insight with some my own experience as my WW sounds similar to yours… Don't they all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
My WW decided that our marriage was not working and started looking for the fairytail that ended up being an Affair. Whilst she was and still partially in the fog, she has done and said some pretty horrible things.
She has changed her personality to such an extent, that she is not the same person that I married. She behaves more like a crazed junkie / crack wh0re than the woman I loved and strangely that’s how this has been described by many people on this site. She has broken every rule that she ever laid down for us. No one can reason with her because that it truly is like a drug addiction. Don't expect to get any sense or sympathy for what she is doing she just doesn’t understand or care at this stage. There have been days when I think that she see's the error of her ways, but they are few and far between and the addiction is so strong that these are fleeting moments. Your wife like many other wayward partners on this site will eventually see what they have given up for a few hours of escape. Hopefully you will be strong and still want your marriage to her after the fog clears.

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

You nailed it right on the head there RM.

I heard and delt with the same lies and issues. It's sickening. And the business trips. My God, what are they thinking when they're in the fog?

JoeC, I assume that they are not thinking much past how to get their next fix, which in some ways is a blessing in disguise. The irrational thinking makes it much easier to detect their lies!

B-Trayed, here are my answers to your questions.

1. The fog - how skewed everything was while you were in it.

Totally skewed. I didn't "see" my H or my family. All I was aware of was when I would see the OM again. I mean that. I nearly lost my job because my boss couldn't get any work out of me. I was PA to the CEO. I had to provide a board luncheon, I bought some sandwiches (not what we usually provided) and sort of "threw" them at the board because I was going to lunch with OM. OMG, I cringe when I think of it.

2. How or what you felt when you realised what you were doing to yourself, BS and family.

I didn't realise this until my husband found out and I realised what I'd done to hurt him. But even then, I justified and said some pretty horrible foggy things. "I'll go if he comes for me, etc etc."

3. Why you had the affair to start with, and did it solve your problems?

I have no idea why I had the affair. Umm, no it didn't solve my problems it made everything about my life crappy, unhappy and horrible.

4. What the affair did to your self esteem, self worth, etc?

Funnily, my H's love for me improved my self worth. I realised what I meant to him and what adult, mature love could be and should be like. I learned a great deal about myself, how selfish and immature I was.

5. Once the smoke cleared and the affair was over, what did you think about the other person you were involved with, were they such a great catch?.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But that took nearly a year. A ended June 2003 and I've just come right in the last month or two.

Jenny