I've been meaning to post for a couple of weeks, but couldn't get my thoughts in order. Well, they still are not in order, but I need to "talk" and have no close friends except for H to talk to.
Last November, I told H I was uncomfortable with a couple of his opposite-sex friendships. One of them (with a co-worker) he ended immediately. He also led me to believe he had ended the other one. Then, in April, I found out about the EA and was devastated. He ended it. But, I also discovered that up until mid-June, he was continuing some of the behaviors that he had promised to stop. Once I told him this was unacceptable, this stopped as well. That was the night he thought I was going to divorce him.
So, why am I still so sad all the time? I am already on anti-D's and they were working great before April. In fact, it was just before D-Day that I realized how happy I felt.
I guess I just hurt because he did so many things that were so wrong. He knew they would hurt me if I knew about them, but he did it anyway, and then lied about it. He has always told me how much he loves me, but how can he love me and intentionally hurt me at the same time?
Just this week, I realized that his life becomes "miserable", the future "incomprehensible", and so on, whenever our life doesn't revolve around him. No matter if something is happening to me (good or bad like night school or starting IC), he resorts to all kinds of not-so-nice behavior until I have to take time out of my concerns to see to it again that he is happy. Then, while I am making HIM happy, he is continuing the things that are hurtful to me.
I've read HN/HN and LB. He has finished HB/HN and has started LB, but he is getting along so slowly. He and our son have a real problem reading any one thing to completion. It drives me nuts. I like to read novels, but I gave them up until I got thru these 2 books. Not him. I'm thinking about hiding all his current books and magazines until he finishes. Would that be a LB?
And, how can I stop cringing every time I think of him seeing barely-dressed women or worse on TV, in magazines, and on internet pop-ups? I told him that thinking about any woman but me in a lustful manner is a serious deal breaker. I know that's my insecurity showing, but that's how I am for now.
We have discussed masturbation. Since I've read several articles that men should have orgasm at least 21 times per month to guard against prostate cancer, and I know I can't service him that often (he's only home 16 days a month and neither one of us has the energy for multiples per night, or to have SF every night that he's home, but I wouldn't mind trying), I have told him that I will try to get over my sadness of his self-gratification. But, it's hard. I also feel like I don't excite him. He can always "perform" for me, so I don't know why I feel that way. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated.
Finally, for the women ... when you complain about your H looking at porn, do those you're complaining to tell you that "well **** is a certain age, and may need a little bit more to get him going." EEWWWWWW! Why on earth would I want some bimbo to turn him on enough to want to have sex with me (this type of SF is not considered by me to be lovemaking or even SF for me). And, my H does seem to be easily aroused by me, so this is somewhat insulting.
Sorry for the long ramble. I'm glad that I can post here though, so that I don't have to show my sadness to my H all the time. He really IS trying, and I hate it when I can't be happy with him. We're both trying to meet EN's but it is hard because he hasn't finished reading yet, and none of the questionaires have been shared with one another (I'm about half done, and he won't start until he's finished reading). Oh well.
It's our 17th anniversary on Sunday. We will be going out Saturday night and both hope to have a very romantic evening. I'm trying to get my sadness and bad thoughts out before then.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Hugs,
D
