Last Thurs. my H left after coming to my place of work & taking my LAST $23 saying he needed gas & food & would be home by Sat. or Sun. (our son's 17th B-Day). Said he would make time for US!! I haven't heard a word from him since!!! Is is not RIGHT that I should be turning to my 20 yr. old son and his 2 best friends,(they are like my kids)for support & even comfort! These boys, and my 17 and 16 yr. old sons, are all that I have. Ny 2 younger ones both have problems w/depression and other things! I have supported that man for darn near 16 of our 20 1/2 yrs. of marraige! HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO ME?!?!? Why is he so oblivious to the pain that he is causing. If the boys were all younger, it would be different. I can't "hide" my emotions from them. They've all(except for the youngest,who even though he's 16 is more like 12)already suspected that my H has not been being "truthful or faithful" to me. This I found out during my night of utter drunkedness. My kids aren't supposed to take care of me, I'm supposed to take care of them, and right now I'm not doing a very good job. I feel totally useless,like a complete failure. How can I teach them to faithful and honest when they see this. How can I get them to even show any respect for their father anymore. My 17 yr. old, made a comment earlier today that blew me away. My H was supposed to be here for him today, and he wasn't (3rd time this week) and was stating how mad he was and called his dad a "stupid f***ing bas***d" I told him not to talk that way about his father and he replied "He's not my father, he's just the guy who got you pregnant". I know my son is hurting, I know that it's my H's fault, I'm very upset with my H and my heart is breaking into more and more peices daily, but I still love him very much, and it hurts so much to hear how OUR kids are feeling about their dad!! How do I deal with this, I really don't need this on top of the financial mess he's left me with. I feel so bad that my weakness has opened them up to all of this. Somebody please help me, I can't take much more of this, I'm just not that strong anymore...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lana308:
<strong> Last Thurs. my H left after coming to my place of work & taking my LAST $23 saying he needed gas & food & would be home by Sat. or Sun. . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Teach yourself to say "no" and mean it.

He imposes his will upon you only if you allow it.

Pep

Lana,
Let's deal with financial first. If you have a joint bank account, close it. Open one in only your name.

Do your sons have jobs? If not, why not? My 16 year old daughter is working 2 jobs this summer working abou 60 hours a week, her choice and, she definitely doesn't look 16, as you say of your son, more like 12. But her bosses love her once they see how responsible she is. My 18 year old daughter works lawncare 7 am to 3:30 pm.

Your boys should have jobs. And that can help take a little financial burden off you if they take care of some of their own expenses.

Now for your H. He's never worked steadily, he's cheating on you with your BF. And now he has disappeared, missing your son's birthday. And from your other posts, there are chemical issues as well.

Your son(s) have every reason to feel exactly how he feels. They are not young kids, they are aware, they are of an age that they can comprehend that this is not what an honorable man does. And they sound like they are on the way to becoming good men by emotionally supporting you.

You ask how you can get them to respect their father. You can't. He lost that priviledge when he behaved the way he has. He can try to earn that back at some time, but no, you can ask them to be polite and not call him a b*****d, as a favor to you, but there is no way you can make them respect him when he has hurt them and he is not worthy of it.

You love your husband, but sometimes love means that you say no. That you are tough, that you don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

This doesn't require you to be mean, in fact, with Marriage Builders, you are not mean, you do not have angry outbursts or selfish decisions. But, you are in control of your own emotions and your own behavior.

I'm really sorry you are in your situation.

Concentrate on making yourself as safe as you can in your finances, since you are the money-maker. And, talk to your sons. Since you want your H talk to them about your feeling of committment and that you are willing to allow your H the possibility of re-building, despite his actions--if he does show a willingness to change and do better.

You already know that YOU can't change him. Only your H can change himself. And first he has to show up.

Get rid of that millstone around your neck who you call "your husband". He is worthless.

Make a life without him. It might not be filled with drama as it is now, but it will be YOUR life that YOU control.

And whatever you do, put everything in your name and quit giving the man any money. You are just helping him get alcohol and maybe other women. With the money you hand him!

Lana,
From a mans point of View (but not giving advice) Start you a new life, and get him help.

Ok, just to fill in some blanks. First, as for my son's getting jobs, the 2 older ones have applied at probably every place in our little town. There just are more people than jobs around here. It took me over a year to find my job & I had mgt. exp. and had to start as part-time. I live on the outskirts of town, with one running car. I work in another town. The boys would love to find work, in fact my oldest son is torn between moving out of state w/ some friends of mine (there are more possibilities of work)or staying here to help me. He knows me so well. If my H would fix his old truck, like he has promised to do for "months", then we would have a better way, and more employment options for the boys. If anything else, I could at least sell the truck. As for checking accounts, non-existant. For years, my H was the one who paid the bills, he had the checkbook, both of us on it, very often when I would go to use the bank card I would find that the $ I thought should be there, wasn't. Once, when I went to check our balance, I found that I couldn't access my account info. I went nuts. Three days later, when he showed up, he "explained" that he had to use the money to fix his motorcycle and that he paid some of our bills. The next day I recieved a late statement for the cable, telephone, and water. He WILL be here on the 31st, his dissability check will arrive. Maybe I shouldn't have told the boys, that if I'm not home, to hide dad's check. That way he can't cash it and take off again. He will have to wait for me, then we will cash it together and I WILL get $ to pay some of these bills. I know that is sounds dirty and sneaky, but what other options do I have? Oh, he's not "with" my BF, she took off to get away from him a long time ago. As for anyone else he might be with, well, I'm not putting on blinders. Also I tried to call the "company" that he says he's working for. I called 3 different terminals, including the central office, and none of them have ever heard of him. So, now where am I left at? I've got to go to work. Having a family meeting tonight with the kids. I have taken my wedding rings off of my left hand and put them on my right hand. My H hasn't worn his wedding ring for years, so why does it even matter any more.

hey lana,
i'm sorry to hear he still hasn't shown up. do what you said and have your son hide his check until you get home. if he doesn't show up by then, i would consider filing a missing persons report since you can't find him.

{{{{{{{{{lana308}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Shelly, thanks. Guess what, the H called me at work yesterday (Fri), said he would be home on Mon. I told him that I would believe that when I saw it. He called from "private name/private number", so it wasn't a pay phone. He said he was in FL. I asked the name of the company he was "working" for and looked it up on the internet, no such company, in either place that he said their terminals are. He saked me what 17 yr. olds problem was! I told him "Well gee H, you promised him that you would spend some time & get to know his girlfriend, which you failed to show up, you promised to be here for his birthday, failed him again, & you promised that you would be here for him @ court, once again you failed him, hmmm what could be wrong with your son?" H responded with look how they (the boys) treat him and I told him that it's his responsibility as their father to ACT like a father, that the boys feel as if he has deserted us and they are angry and hurt. Now I have a VERY BIG question, I have taken my wedding rings off of my left hand & put them on the right. Should I put them back on my left hand befor my H comes home, or should I just leave them on the right hand? I wonder if he would even notice? Anyway, I really need to know what everyone thinks I should do about the rings, I usually go with the majority and have until Sun evening to decide. My boss (yes, I've told her, had to)said to leave them on the right hand, but I don't know what to do. I've told the kids that if he can't show me some kind of proof that he's working, a phone number, address, log books, something that will make ME feel better, then the rings will NEVER go back on. I was afraid that would upset them, but it didn't seem to. Bye for now & thanks to all of you, Lana

i would do whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing. i tried that one before, and it just made him angry and me ,feel even worse. i had told him" i'll put them back on when i FEEL married. this was 5 months ago, and if you've ever read my posts it didn't help, only made it worse. good luck, whatever you decide to do, let me know how it goes.

I gave my rings back to my husband. I told him IF the day ever came that he felt he wanted to be married, and commit to me and our future, he could give them back to me.

You're getting good advise here. I realize you feel powerless right now, but you're letting him have all the control. You HAVE to change the way you think. Why do you accept this behavior ?

Why don't you feel worthy of better ? Why is it okay for him to skip town, tell you he'll be home on such a such a date, and you say, I'll believe it when I see it. You should have told him he HAS no home until he gets his SH#T together.

You are worth so much more than this. Please, reread some of what the other posters have written.