When do you trust again? How long does it take before you quit searching everything and quit calling WH a hundred times a day?

How long before WH becomes tired of the leash? I don't think he can take it very long. I told him trust will slowly return. It's only been two months since DDay. But how long before I don't panic when he just drives to the store? (Because I think he'll see her or call her). How long before I quit checking caller i.d., redial, and the computer, and asking a million questions about where he's been and what he's been up to?

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: halseybach ]</small>

I read in a book (not sure which one ) it could take up to two years and maybe longer. i too think my H is getting a bit fustrated but he is being very very supportive. bc he knows it will take time. i just think he tends to forget it is his actions that put him in the plac ethat he is in!

Halsey, it depends alot on him. If he works hard to prove he is trustworthy, then it won't take as long. You shouldn't have to grill him AT ALL about his whereabouts if he just tells you where he is at all times. He shouldn't be putting you in that position in the first place.

It took me about a year under very good circumstances to feel trust. Even so, I still check things every once and a while. I have learned to NEVER EVER blindly trust anyone again.

I will never blindly trust again either. Any further advice and info would be appreciated. I will forward this post to my WH when its all done, just to give him a sense of how things are and could be.

Thanks for your help.

Feeling trust and ending obsessive snooping behavior may be 2 separate issues.

Like Melody Lane says, if your husband's action, behavior, words are all accountable and match up, if he is behaving in a trustworthy manner, if he's where he says he'll be and he readily volunteers that information...he will be earning your trust by showing he is trustWORHTY.

As for your behavior, hopefully one day you will realize that no matter how thoroughly you check, if he chooses to cheat, he will. Your checking up on him will not stop him, he's just more likely to be caught sooner.

Are the 2 of you in counseling? One of the best things counseling did for us was to give me a place to ask the questions and the rest of the week I could concentrate on healing, meeting his needs, recreation, spending the time together in a pleasant way.

Checking occasionally isn't a problem, as blind trust isn't a great idea.

Sometimes it is difficult to find the line between being a crazymaker by "100 calls a day" (I hope that was an exaggeration <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and safeguarding your relationship.

If your H won't go to counseling, betrayed spouses often have enough issues to go alone and then sometimes the WS will join them.

Lor,

No, he won't go to counseling and yes, I'm in IC. And yes, I was exagerrating <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When he's home alone, I'll call him 3 or 4 times throughout the day.

You are definately right about the checking. If he wants to cheat, he will. Sad and unfortunate, that. No matter how often I check caller i.d., he can delete it, no matter how often I check redial, he can use a payphone. Etc. I just don't want to be blindsided again.

Begin to trust yourself first.

You cannot trust your H until you feel you have gotten your fully functional affair-radar and bullshyt-detector up and running.

This takes at least 6 months... and longer, I suspect if there were false recoveries.

Your trust in your own ability to read the situation accurately has been shaken... THAT must be in place prior to trusting your H.

Hope this makes sense.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Rebuilding your trust depends on how much effort he puts toward it. If he does not help you to do so, you will forever continue to be in doubt.

How long? That depends on both of you. I put the burden of that need on the Xws. if he wanted the title to go from WS to xWS to H, it was up to him. Restoring trust was part of that package.

He needs to show he is doing his best not his least.

Always keep plan B in your back pocket. Not a threat, it is survival support for you. Mine knows that.

L.

Dittos to Pep.

I stopped checking and feeling crazy when I learned to trust my own instincts and feelings and when I began to trust myself - that no matter what he did, I'd be ok in the end because I could handle making any decisions and takign care of me when and if he cheats again.

This is why I am not totally crazy while my husband has worked out of state all week long for the last 9 months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sidebar: Hi BR! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

halsey:

They're right. As you learn 2 trust your own instincts (which invovles respecting your own abilities 2 see through the garbage), you won't need 2 snoop. You'll also FEEL in your gut, when your H is demonstrating trustworthy behavior.

Trust MUST be earned in M. In other relationships it can be given as a "gift", but only provided you have no expectations of anything in re2rn.

But since your H PROMISED you that he'd be faithful, and he hasn't been faithful, he OWES you his trustworthiness. You have a right 2 expect that.

-ol' 2long

Halseybach,

I am 10 months since D/D and would not believe that I could yet call myself a veteran but I will tell you...........there is NO set time for trust, when it comes back or when you start easing up on "wanting to know".....it's going to be up to you and H~

I confess that I still at times "look" at H's cell phone on the recent calls list. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and can not say to you that I will some day soon not have the need to look......But H has NO problem with when I do! which to me is a very good sign.

I have looked and called his messages at least 200 times in the past and NOT once found anything incriminating. I think for me the near future will hold no more need to "waste my time" looking for evidence that is NOT there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I must say though that my H's FOP lives out of state and that n/c started BEFORE D/D. So my H had a head start of coming out of the "fog".....that and he has worked VERY HARD on building our M~!~

Blessings,
Atruheart

Thanks to everyone for replying.

I'm going to print this post for my WH to read and hopefully he'll have some good insight.

He really has been working very hard to regain my trust, but its slow-going and I just pray that it will happen soon. Its the worst feeling in the world not to trust the person you love most.

-halsey