I have posted a couple of times re my situation and thank all those that have responded and are still responding God bless them

I however am still looking for a WS who after admitting to the A but wanted to reconcile found himself in the position that the BS did not immediately demand a divorce but wanted space to think about it

What do you do I can and am reading as much as I can consulting as much as I can seeking answers as much as I can but there is really a limit to what I can do on my own to resolve or even work on!

I am starting to think resentment judgemental critical things I DO NOT WANT TO THINK or even contemplate as that is not Gods way I caused the mess I must suffer but the time is marching on and lost time is never made up

or am I wrong and must I just sit and read and consult and work on my new plan for the changed me(this is also a very one sided plan and needs input from BS)

and wait and wait ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I however am still looking for a WS who after admitting to the A but wanted to reconcile found himself in the position that the BS did not immediately demand a divorce but wanted space to think about it
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure how much I can help you but what you describe is my situation, exactly.

Hi i dont know that i can help either as i'm a BS but after my H had an A we seperated when he decided he was sorry and wanted to come back i said i wanted to think about it it took me a couple of months b/c i was so scared to get back on the rollercoaster. i was hurting bad and didnt want to be hurt all over again. but we ended up getting back together and it still has been ups and downs but i'm very thankful that i'm trying to work on my marriage!

Thanks robbie13

so where are u know we are seperated I stay in bed and breakfast for past 2 mnths having no contact with BS picked up kids today parked at neighbours phoned kids to come to car its nervewrecking but i know there is light at end of tunnel ie reconciliation however lenght of tunnel playing havoc just want to get on with it and correct the wrongs and pain caused BS cant be enjoying it as I know she is sitting there on her own doing I dont know what?

why cant we just talk?

Thanks mylife25

how long is a couple of months what did you need your H to do to make it shorter?

Thi is what I see....


why cant we just talk?

She is not ready. She seems to be taking control of things relating to recovery (when to talk) and you don't like it.

I think some of your anxiety about this is a sense of your loss of control.

Your wife is in the driver's seat, and you don't like being the passenger.

Let her drive the recovery. You crashed when you had your affair.

Trust her. Do you?

Pep

Thanks pep

It is strange no sad that one actually has the answer but seeks a better one
thanks again

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Thi is what I see....


why cant we just talk?

She is not ready. She seems to be taking control of things relating to recovery (when to talk) and you don't like it.

I think some of your anxiety about this is a sense of your loss of control.

Your wife is in the driver's seat, and you don't like being the passenger.

Let her drive the recovery. You crashed when you had your affair.

Trust her. Do you?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pepper
What if your BS? Same advice?
It seems its the same regardless to what side of the equation you're on. The other spouse is reluctant or fogged or hurt and is withdrawn is in the driver seat, it doesn't seem like the best driver in my sitch, but I think its the reality.
Bassie
Act as if you love her without any demands or expectations of recipriocity.
Dont talks as if..
Act as if.

Bassie,
my H left October 1. he decided he definatly wanted to come home by thanksgiving. i didnt make my decision till Jan 20. it was a hard decision. i had to see that there was no contact on the phone bill. i aslo needed to rebuild some of the trust that was broken. the ow also changED her sceadule at work and he proved that too me. i dotn think he couldve made it shorter i was honestly confused as to what i wanted to do at that point. even though with all the time and stuff i did to safe guard my heart he still relapsed and has had contact several times! i wish you the best and hope your wife sees you are sincere about changeing! it will probably take her some time to see that though she is hurting tremendously!

Bassie...

Do you trust your wife?

Pep

Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if your BS? Same advice?
It seems its the same regardless to what side of the equation you're on. The other spouse is reluctant or fogged or hurt and is withdrawn is in the driver seat, it doesn't seem like the best driver in my sitch, but I think its the reality.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well assuming I understand your question properly (I'm not so sure I do! ) I would say .... the person who is not ready to talk cannot be forced into any meaningful conversation until she is ready ...

I don't see how this changes no matter if it is BS or WS.

Until there is a desire and a willingness to discuss things ... there is no discussion!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

thanks mylife25 I think the big issue is is there still contact being seperated she obviously cannot keep tabs on me without pi so i will have to find a way to reassure her! ?

thanks familymatters will work on that

thanks pepper
Do you trust your wife?
yes for an A sometimes actually wish she also gets involved in an A to sort of punish me and also to sort of find out I don't know however when it comes to decision making she definitely needs a shove

bassie,
how did she find of the A? have you sent a NC letter to the ow?

In my instance my H sent NC letter, fwd me the copy. he had his boss fwd me the letter statting she had her sceadule changed and i saw for myself on his phone records that he did nto call her nor did she call him!

Give her some time. at first i didnt want anything to do with my H i was ashamed, emberresed, hurt confused, angry, sad, etc..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she obviously cannot keep tabs on me without pi so i will have to find a way to reassure her! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't have to do anything to reassure your BS other than keep your nose clean. Don't pressure her. Give her time and space. I applaud her zero tolerance level for the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when it comes to decision making she definitely needs a shove</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very disrespectful judgement and very hypocritical of you to say. Your decision making led you right into an A. Do you expect her just to take it on the chin, forgive and forget? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i know there is light at end of tunnel ie reconciliation however lenght of tunnel playing havoc just want to get on with it... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your posts imply that you are impatient, disrespectful and less than remorseful.

There is an excellent post that you may want to read noodle regarding the feelings of the BS spouse, so as to help you get a true grasp of the pain that your A may have caused to your BS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> or am I wrong and must I just sit and read and consult and work on my new plan for the changed me...and wait and wait ? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For now...that would be a yes.

"thanks pepper
Do you trust your wife?
yes for an A sometimes actually wish she also gets involved in an A to sort of punish me and also to sort of find out I don't know however when it comes to decision making she definitely needs a shove "

I MEANT do you trust your wife's decision-making ...... I did NOT mean do you trust your wife to remain faithful.

The way I read your response is:

1. You trust your wife not to have a revenge affair... but in some ways you wish she would.

This is a very sich-minded response. But at least it is honest, so thank you for that.

It is sick-minded because you almost wish your wife would commit a sin so YOU could feel better about yourself..... and so SHE could feel as miserable about herself as you do.... UGH

2. You do not trust your wifes decision-making because she is too slow. She needs a "shove".

I think you may mean she is deliberate. Slow to come to a decision. Thinks things through. possibly over-thinks.

Who do you think has the ability to give your wife's decision a "shove"?

Certainly not yourself. You have demonstrated your "decision-maker " is too quick, and perhaps too easily overridden by your physical desires. Your decision was to have an affair. So why would you trust your decision-making process over hers? I wouldn't.

Who do you think has the moral authority to give your wife's decision a "shove"?

Yourself? Hardly. You are in no position to provide moral authority to your wife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU, my man ... are in a pickle of your own making! And it makes you UNcomfortable.

But, you cannot complain that the brine you're sitting in is too salty ~~~~~ YOU chose this seat, and you have to sit in it.

Your wife did NOT choose to be a betrayed wife. She is in a seat that is also uncomfortable. And she is angry at YOU for putting her there. She is disappointed in YOU for not protecting her. She is lost because she does not trust that YOU have her best interests at heart.

Do you have your wife's best interests at heart?

What if delaying a decision is best for HER?

Can you live with that?

Pep

Thanks guys everyone who responded and brought me back to basics

self centred is what I am and grapple with every second of the day

Of this I am certain I will be doing everything in my power to make good firstly with God and secondly with my wife and kids and I know through His grace and my hard work there will come a day when I will have lovebanks overflowing that is my commitment