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pleae help........input is appreciated...
i had an affair and truely fell in love with this person...i want to start my life with him...but i'm scared to go through separation with my husband........i have 2 small children and ache over the thought of not being able to see them every day
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no one understands me......my parents, counselors......i'm scared...........but scared not to have darryl in my life too..
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my heart aches...........so confused
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LHC, just wanted to check in on you in here. Things can be slow on the weekend so please don't lose hope.
Since I'm here, I wish I could be more helpful and objective but I can't.
Please take your confusion as a sign. Be careful of any rash decisions.
While waiting for someone to address you, why not go to the homepage of this site and look at the links of infidelity. There's a wealth of information here--use it to your advantage!
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lhc
You are not truly "in love" with someone other than your husband. Know why? Because the relationship you believe to be "love" is founded on lies, deceit, falsehoods, and betrayal.
You have allowed yourself, in a weak and selfish moment, or moments, to "think" you found your "soulmate". And all of this at the expense of your spouse, who either is, or soon will be, experiencing a crushed soul over what you have done.
Do yourself a huge favor, and read all over this site about marriage builders. Learn how your marriage became vulnerable to an affair. Learn about the dynamics of an affair. Learn how to stop an affair. Learn why your husband is a much better choice for you. Read other posts from people on boths sides of affairs and start to understand how devastating they are to the VICTIMS, your husband and your kids. Learn how your Affair is really pretty ordinary, just like the rest of them, rather than the "special" situation you now believe it to be.
Don't waste time. Start today. Get the book, read it, understand what a monster you have created and how to get your life back under control. If you stay in this affair, each and every day will make it harder to end, harder to recover, and more devastating on those who are dearest to you.
I wish you well
SD
<small>[ July 23, 2004, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>
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lhc, you haven't given us a lot to go on but maybe if you can answer some questions we might be able to help you a bit more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
People are always willing to help around here but sometimes we need a bit of information first. It makes it easier to help you work out what's best for your whole situation.
You mention your parents and counsellors. I'm guessing you are quite young. By counsellors do you mean marriage counsellors or someone you're seeing on your own?
Have you been married long? Does your husband know you want to leave him? Does he know about the affair?
You also said that no one understands you. What is it that you think they don't understand about you?
I hope all that doesn't sound too nosey but you sound very confused and we'd like to help.
Jenny
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Lonely Heart,
This love you feel is because you have allowed another man to meet the needs that you should be having your husband meet. He may be ignorant of the fact he is not meeting them. Since you are in this A, you probably don't even want your H to meet them now.
But he is able too. He met them before. He created the feelings of love in you. You are in a fantasy/infatuation stage. I am sure your M has deteriorated enough to leave you vulnerable to this Daryl, but remember, you are vulnerable. But you are still in control of your actions.
Stop this immediately. Seek counseling immediately. Your husband may even be as vulnerable to an A as you are. Get back those feelings you used to have for each other. Learn again how to care for each other and "forsake all others"
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LHC, coming here was a great thing for you to have done.
You are following the easiest path you see right now to feeling in love. Right now that's with the other man. Those in-love feelings are treacherous. Your desire for them makes you willing to destroy your family, to do the most incredibly devastating thing you could imagine doing to the man you pledged your life to. The thing you want is the feelings. They are so wonderful.
You can have these feelings for your husband again, just as you now have them for the other man. There was a time when you felt this way about your husband, and you certainly can again. The difference is, it will take work. The benefit is, you will not sacrifice your family, you will not crush your husband, and you will grow from the experience, rather than remaining emotionally stunted. If you think fixing your marriage is going to be hard, just wait until you find out how nasty it's going to be if you decide to destroy it.
Trust me, my wife has done to me what you are on the verge of doing to your husband. And believe me, you do not want to do this to him. It's worse than you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It isn't a little discomfort and inconvenience and then everybody moves on. You will force your husband to endure profound, horrible, soul-crushing pain. You will permanently damage your children. And you will sacrifice everything good about yourself in the process. Don't do it. Save your marriage, and you will find one day you've also saved yourself. Good luck,
GC
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THANK YOU FOR YOU REPLYS...........
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LHC -
Welcome to marriagebuilders. This is the right place to come. I hope you will do some reading here. You will see that are a lot of other ladies here that went through the same thing.
How was you marriage before all of this happened?
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lonelyhearts,
I am glad you found this site. This is marriage builders, you are going to get a lot of good advice on how to end your affair and try to repair the damage that you have done to your family. I hope and pray that you are receptive to this approach. MANY here have been through this, we CAN help you!
You say that you are in love with the OM. I understand that you feel that way but warn you that you are probably in the infatuation stage where he is filling your emotional needs and you have cut your H out of the picture. Your H cannot fill your needs if you are getting them filled by another man. This is causing you to fall more in love with the OM and say that you do not love your H anymore.
If you are here to save your marriage, you will have to cut ALL CONTACT with the OM.
You have 2 small children that you are afraid of losing. Remember that those children deserve the best effort of both parents to provide a safe and loving home for them to grow up in. Are you willing to try to provide this and give your marraige another shot?
If so, you are going to have to cut ALL CONTACT with the OM.
Is the OM married? realize that you are both acting selfishly by engaging in an affair while either of you is married.
If your marriage dissolves and you are truly in love with the OM, you will be free do have a relationship when you are NO LONGER MARRIED. Until then, your affair is secretive and based on deception. You do not have to remain married, that is your choice. Choose to act reaponsibly and engage in a truthful relationship.
OK, this might sound harsh, you might have heard these words from your parents and counselors. That may explain why you said that no one understands you. Anyone here who has been involved in an affair, DOES understand and is going to try to help shake you out of this fantasy. Please do not dismiss the replies you receive here.
Please go to the home page and read all you can about infidelity. This site is filled with real life experience and how to deal with it. You are not alone and your situation is not unique. Please take this advice and try to make at least one step tODAY towards rebuilding your marriage and your family. Keep in touch, ladysing
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Ladysing58, I have a problem with part of your advice. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your marriage dissolves and you are truly in love with the OM, you will be free do have a relationship when you are NO LONGER MARRIED. Until then, your affair is secretive and based on deception. You do not have to remain married, that is your choice. Choose to act reaponsibly and engage in a truthful relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If LHC gets divorced and then gets together with OM, that does not mean she's done the right thing. It just means she's done things in the "right" order. If she thinks her marriage was over before the affair began, following the correct sequence will not change the fact that she is lying to herself. And it will not change the fact that she is creating a path of destruction so she can get a clear shot at the OM. GC
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Stop calling the OM by his first name. Call him Mr. _____ or Mr. OM. That will put some mental distance.
You have not stated anything about your M. Please elaborate. Remember this is a marriage builders forum. You are not going to get support for having an
A here.
L.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonelyheartsclub:
<strong> no one understands me......my parents, counselors......i'm scared...........but scared not to have darryl in my life too.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO ONE understands you?
Why is that?
Are you different from the rest of us on the planet?
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your marriage dissolves and you are truly in love with the OM, you will be free do have a relationship when you are NO LONGER MARRIED. Until then, your affair is secretive and based on deception. You do not have to remain married, that is your choice. Choose to act reaponsibly and engage in a truthful relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If LHC gets divorced and then gets together with OM, that does not mean she's done the right thing. It just means she's done things in the "right" order. If she thinks her marriage was over before the affair began, following the correct sequence will not change the fact that she is lying to herself. And it will not change the fact that she is creating a path of destruction so she can get a clear shot at the OM.
GC [/QB][/QUOTE]
GC,
I understand your position. I am NOT advocating that lonely looks at divorce as a good option or that she would have done the right thing. I did not say that it would be the right thing to do. I just wanted to put a little "in your face" reality on the page. I also wrote 2 times that she should cut off ALL CONTACT with the OM. What I was trying to tell her is that she wants her kids, her affair and maybe someone here to "understand" her feelings. The reality is that unless she is NOT MARRIED, she has no business engaging in an affair. Sometimes a WS deep in the FOG needs it just spelled out to them. I don't think she is ready for divorce, neither do I see her asking for help in saving her marriage or ending her affair. She can't have it both ways. She must choose do put effort into saving her marriage or continuing to stumble around in the fog. I hope she finds her way out for the sake of her family. Ladysing
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Lonelyhearts,
Are you out there? You asked for help and many replied. Are you listening?
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After reading your newest thread, I have my answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ladysing58: <strong> After reading your newest thread, I have my answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Care to share? L.
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Sure Orchid, this one is very sad but predictable... She has posted a new thread asking how many people have had success with their affair partners? She came here professing love for the OM and fear of losing the children on a daily basis. Nowhere did I see her asking anything about the well-being of her children or her husband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> She received replies from MB'ers trying to help her see out of the fog and ignored them only to start another thread hoping to get some justification for the affair. I'm all for WS's coming here to get help out of the addiction of the affair and to try to repair a marriage, but I don't see that happening here even though many tried to help her.
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Oh, sounds like she isn't ready for MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Thanks for the update. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> L.
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