I'm new here. I'm desperate. I'm lost. My story in a nutshell... I spent 17 wonderful years with the woman Ilove. Our relationship was envied by all of our friends. Though not married, we own and lived in our home together for 12 years. Like most I suppose we got comfortable and took things for granted. You know the story...life became routine,too much work, not enough quality time,growing apart. She had an affair with a man from work. 2000 miles from home. I guess they talked a lot and met whenever they could. I discovered this around Christmas. She moved out to her sisters in january. I was devastated and fell apart. I did my homework, read the books, and tried to win her back. After she had moved into an apartment I thought that was it. But she called 2 months ago and wanted to have dinner. This after being apart for 5 months. It developed into something I thought was wonderful. Feelings and intimacy that we hadn't shared in a long time. She began spending the weekends home with me and I tried to see her as much as we could during the week. Communication was good, I really opened up to her and I was learning to deal with our situation and concentrate on fixing us.No need to go into all the issues of infidelity, we all know how hard this is. Things were really great. Talk of marriage and children. We were looking into building a new home and starting fresh. My happiness was incredible... I won, right? This past weekend was great together. Very intimate and very comfortable. We had made plans to take off next week to work on getting our house ready to sell so we could move on. Sunday morning we made love and spent the day shopping and looking at properties. Monday morning we left our house for work and she would stay at her place as usual. She called that day to ask about getting a dumpster for the house. I was to order it for next week. We spoke on the phone as usual that night, said our "I love yous" and goodnight. Tuesday she went out with the girls from work. We talked earlier that night and ended with I love you, call you later. I didn't get the goodnight call. Maybe she got home late. Wednesday no call. I began to get worried but didn't call her. I've been trying to give her space and let her call me. No pressure. Thursday morning she called on her way to the office. I heard it in her voice, and she said "I think we need to talk". My heart dropped and the rest of the day was hard. We were to talk in person that night. She came over and told me that she loved me but couldn't fight these feelings for the O.M.. She was in love with him and it wasn't fair to keep this up. She really tried but she couldn't go on living with these feelings inside. I explained that it was going to be hard and we knew that, but I thought we were going to work through it together. I pleaded my case for 2 hours, but all the while knew she had made up her mind to leave. I'm devastated once again. I can't understand how we could go from intimate on sunday to over on thursdy, without warning. Throwing away 17 years and all our effort to fix things, and start a brand new life together. The wonderful time spent together and the incredible things that were said and done over the last months were all just a lie? I know she must have felt something for me. Love is what made her come back to try. 2 months is not long enough to mend things, or forget about the O.M. I know this, I tried to get her to see. I think she's making a big mistake, of course, I love her. She gave up too quick. She gave into these false feelings for the O.M.. He recently got divorced and he must have made contact with her. A new relationship based on lies, the same old story. I thought she would see clearly. She said she was flying out to be with him. I think she's already there. I'm so in love with her, it was so good to be with her again, and now I'm so alone and lost again. I'm writing here to resist the urge to write to her. I want to fight for her again, but how? I know it's wrong to contact her. But I want to so badly. It worked the first time around, but noone ever has advice for the second time. I suppose there is none. I'm searching for answers that can't be found. No more love letters, flowers, songs or poems this time. I know it would just push her away. But she's already gone. What do I do besides move on? I almost refuse to believe this is happening again. Somebody please help.

Joe, this is far from over so don't despair. Her feelings for the OM are based on a fantasy because she doesn't even KNOW him. Whereas the feelings for you are real and deep because she does know you. The OM can't possibly meet all of her needs but she doesn't know this yet. This is why the affair is doomed to failure and you have a distinct advantage.

Do you know about Plan A and Plan B? From the sounds of it, you have conducted a superb Plan A and could easily go into Plan B if need be. Plan B is cutting off all contact with your W after sending her a love letter that outlines a clear path back to you, ie: cut off all contact with OM, etc.

Plan B often yanks the spouse off that fence because they quickly realize that the OM can't meet all their needs. Plan B is also recommended when a spouse is getting their needs met in TWO places because they have simply become cakeeaters and will keep it that way as long as possible.

How do you know the OM got divorced? Have you spoken to his W? I would recommend getting ahold of her to verify this story and let her know they are back together.

And secondly, I would RUN to the bookstore and get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. This book will be a huge help in helping you understand this and develop a plan to get your W back.

Thanks for your response and your advice. I have read the books, and I have a pretty good understanding of what is happening here. Plan B is very scary, but perhaps necessary. Do I write one last letter, plan A? I was brief with my description of my whole situation. It took a lot of strength and time to win her back into trying to work on us again. And when I thought we had reached a point of committing to working on us, she left again. I had found out from one of her friends about this guy being married with a newborn child. He lives far away and their only contact was through traveling, email, and telephone. WS told me she was talking to him a lot longer than any physical contact was made. Sounds like an emotional bond. They work in the same field and her career is so important to her. She's in marketing and I'm in construction. She belittled me and said she needed someone that was more her equal. Clearly he is satisfying certain needs for her. Clearly so do I.I suppose that's why she came back to try again with me. And then left so abruptly. She did say that she did love me and I was an amazing and wonderful, caring person. This was the hardest decision she's ever had to make but she feels in her heart she belongs with O.M. She had broken contact with him and was obviously feeling withdrawal over the loss. I have been so understanding through this, even with my broken heart. Problem is as I see it, I really opened up honestly and she still had trouble communicating. If only we had talked about her feelings for him, maybe I could have stopped her from going to see him. I believe that his divorce went through and he began calling on her. She had told me of his divorce. I know she's with him right now, and I find myself dwelling in mywriting again. You can't imagine the amount of letters I've written already to win her back. A lot of them she's never seen. I've proved my love to her, and she just a few weeks ago was holding me and telling me how amazing I was. So much intimacy in the last 2 months, something we had lost over the years. She said she felt we were rediscovering each other and our love in a new and stronger way. She said it was wonderful, just a few weeks ago. I don't understand why the sudden change, but that's the way this goes I guess. I suppose I was pushing a little too hard for her to come back and live with me. Part of it was to keep her from contacting him, most of it because I long to be with her. She says she wants to have a family, and I thought we were going to work on us and get there. Then she gave up. I don't think she was able and willing to put in as much effort as needed to help us as long as she was feeling for him. She knew she had to try to forget him, but she wasn't strong enough. And she is such a strong and successful independent woman. This is difficult for both of us, I told her. But you gotta fight. So here I am alone again, longing to see her and hold her again. It felt so,so good to be with her, but she said she wasn't in it 100%. It's understandable, that takes time. Do I have a chance now? I told her that things are different once that infatuation is over. How long does it take? Then she will realize that the grass isn't greener. Once the excitement over him wears thin, and his true colors come out. The way they've been relating I'm sure they both only have seen the really good side of each other. Not to say there is a bad side to anyone, but that everyday normalness after the thrill is gone, ya know? I'm hoping she'll start to miss me, the way she missed him, and the way she missed me a couple of months ago when we started to work on this. She was sleeping with my picture beside her. She was letting me spend nights at her place, and spending weekends at home with me. It was great, but perhaps it started going back to normal too fast and she needed some excitement. We did go away for a long weekend and it was great. We started doing some things together that we hadn't done in a while. But the stress and the pressure of rebuilding our relationship was still there. It takes time. Weekend getaways are great for bonding, but who can afford to do it every week? I wish I could have. I think spending time here, and talk of living together too soon scared her back into the arms of theO.M. Like I said, she seemed pretty confident with her decision to leave me totally and be with him. Now the next time she calls will be about me buying her out of the house. We're not married, but are partners on the house. I've been here just 6 months ago with the same talk of total seperation. Should I prolong buying the house, should I write one more plan A before turning to plan B? I told her this time I wasn't going to fight for her, if this is what she wanted this is it. As much as we all know that all I want is her back. I feel our draems and our future have been stripped away. And we were just talking about it 4 days ago. I wish she had read some things on this site. She's the one that told me about it. Unfortunately she doesn't realize how much help she needs. She knows I'm here and I'm understanding. That's a good thing. We left off on a good note. I mean no arguing. There is nothing good about what's happened. Does anyone think I have a chance. To me it's clear that there's love here and a bond created over 17 years. Will she see it again. or did we blow it? Time will tell. I hope I make the right moves.

#1 priority: find OM's wife and alert her to what's going on.

DO NOT tell your wife that you're planning to do this.

Thanks for the advice. It will be tough to find someone when you have nothing to go on and they're in another state. I'm going to try to work on me for now.I've made a lot of changes lately and I think it can only help. I think I carried out a decent plan A but she still thinks I could be a happier person if I continued to work on me. I know it's just an excuse in ways to blame me, but maybe she's half right. It's so hard to be totally happy during something like this. I thought I was doing a good job.

joe c.:

I'm so sorry to hear how things ended up after such a wonderful week-end together. But listen to Melody - this situation is ripe for Plan B!! Here's why: She and OM never really spent a LOT of time together......he lives so far away. The most they could have had is a week-end, 2-3 days together, right? OK! YOU KNOW how completely wrapped up in each other a couple can be in that short a time. Every time they met up, it was fireworks all over again.

What will happen if they try to be together, full-time all the time? WHO will move to be closer to whom? WHO will change jobs? Hmmmmm. Here are some other thought-provoking ideas:
What if he quits shaving every day, likes to skip the week-ends, or doesn't cut his toenails on a regular basis, or shower if he doesn't have to go to work. Look, i'm joking (only a little bit), it's true. But the point I'm trying to make is that she doesn't "know" him nearly as well as she thinks!!! She knows very little about his every day little quirks, habits, etc. SHE MAY HATE STUFF HE DOES REGULARLY!

Soooo, by Plan B'ing her, you are forcing her and him to meet ALL of each others' EN's! You know this. The reason they are all "warm and fuzzy" all over each other is b/c they haven't really spent a lot of "quality time" together yet!! They haven't been forced to spend time just living life.......with all the pressures of every day life, like shopping and planning meals, paying bills, dealing w/visitation or child support (does he have kids?), or alimony.

WAT is also correct, his W should be told. He may or may not be div'ing his W. YOU SHOULD FIND OUT THE TRUTH. AND if they ARE div'd, I'm sure she'd want to know for purposes of alimony, cs, etc.

Joe, GO TO PLAN B. FORCE her off the fence. It's the wisest thing you can do now. Think clearly about this. If you are in too much pain to think clearly, let US do it for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Seriously, when you are in this much pain (and believe me, we've all felt it), you cannot think coherently. We ALL love success stories!! That's why we stick around to help others. It's wisdom borne our of our own pain.

God Bless,

Joe, I think that's nice to work on improving yourself, but right now your priority is saving your marriage. I think your best opportunity remains in contacting the OMW. It is very likely that they are not divorced at all. The OM is a liar and may have lied to your W about this, they often do. Just talking to her may very well end this affair real quick. It is a long shot, but well worth exploring.

Secondly, the emotional connection your W has with OM is all based on a fantasy. ESPECIALLY since the affair has been conducted long distance. She only knows what he has told her about him and he has only presented his attributes. The truth is he is a man of low character and she will eventually see this. Fantasies don't usually last long.

I don't think you should send her another Plan A letter. I think you should not contact her at all right now and try to track down the OMW. [directory assistance? check out anywho.com] If you get i <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> n touch with her, THEN, depending on the true status of her marriage, you can decide WHEN to go into Plan B.

Also, Joe, can you please type in paragraphs? It would be much easier to read. Thanks!

I'm sort of new on the computer. I'll brush up on writing.
How's that? haha.
Seriously, you guys have some great advice. I'm glad I logged in. It is helping a lot because we all know how confusing things are when you're hurting. Thank you so much and please feel free to keep writing me. I need all I can get.

I understand that this new time they will have will change everything. Now they really have to make a plan. It could take a long time but I guess I'm not really going anywhere. I won't just sit and wait, that's what I meant by working on me too. It can only benefit me.

As for the other W, I will try to locate her and expose this. Even if the divorce is true it can still have an effect. But is it always a positive effect? Are there any success stoties out there? I hope one day I'm posting mine.
I'm going to get some lunch, but I 'll be back for support later. Sometimes it's all we've got, and hard to do anything else. Getting your heart ripped out twice in 7 months takes it's toll. Gotta stay strong and focused. Thanks again...

I can't seem to stay away from this sight. Hey, I just got dumped on thursday night. So it's fresh on my mind and I'm really hurting.

Just got some info on the situation. This O.M. has a 6 month old child. I hear he was fighting hard in the divorce, trying to prove his wife's alcohol addiction. And that he was thinking of moving to be with my girl. What kind of a man leaves his child like that? And why doesn't she see this? What kind of hold do these O.P.'s have on our cheating spouses. It hurts.

Anyway, I might just have something here to work with. If I could find a way to contact O.M.W. I bet she doesn't know what's going on and he's telling her it's all because of her. It sounds like a lot of stress on that new relationship. But is that how we want our lovers to come back? This sucks. I love her so much, but after 2 times, how much more can I take? How will I feel when she does come back? If she does. Will I even want her? Real questions to think about.

I just got it confirmed, she left friday night to be with him. She didn't waste any time. She had called a friend of ours from the airport and they told me that she was crying. That's all they would say for now. I'm obsessed with getting all the details.

I hope you guys are right and things are working to my benefit. I guess my girl has to go through getting this out of her system. She said she tried to block this O.M. out of her mind, and didn't have any contact with him. But why did she give up? Do you think the feelings are too new to just go cold turkey? The O.M. has to be out of the picture for us to work on things, and he was for a while. But she caved in to her feelings about him. Will this end? I've already been through this once, and she feels she really tried. Could there still be hope. I choose to think so. Anybody else?

This could just be a last gasp, we will see. In the meantime, keep working on finding the OMW. You need to talk to that woman!

Nice paragraphs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just what do I say to the OMW. Can I possibly keep her from exposing me of informing her. I think I found a phone #

Joe,

I strongly encourage to talk with us,but I would like you to urge you to back off with your girl friend. You cannot control her or what she will do. You never mentioned how she met him, but I am guessing it was quick meeting followed by infactuation.

Work on the issues you feel you need to change in order for this relationship to work, but Joe, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER. Please read Dr. Harley's articles on Love busters and especially Disrespectful Judgements, DJ's. You are making a lot of them in your posts.

I realize that you are deeply hurt AGAIN. But, those DJ's will lead you astray with regard to making decisions for your life. You don't know what she is thinking and you don't know all of the details, quit assuming what they are.

Look at the data, and collect more data as this goes. Right now the data says that she is deeply hooked on this man, and there is little you can do, but get on with your life, until and if she decides to give you another chance. At that point you will have a choice to make. I know right now you think you know what the choice will be, but after being dumped twice by this woman, your view of things may well change in the coming months.

Prepare yourself so that when you have a choice to make, you make the best one for you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL

Thanks for the advice. I will look into these DJ's. And I know I should back off on contact with my girl, as hard as it is. She is choosing to spend time with the OM right now and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop it.

Nobody knows what goes through a cheating spouses mind except that they feel that they are in love. Mine says that she loves me very much but just lost that feeling we had years ago. No kidding. She turned me on to this sight and I thought we were on our way to eventually exploring it together. We never made it. She never let me help her sort out her feelings.

She is very into this OM right now. I am led to believe that they met during a business trip. After that they spent much time emailing and talking on the phone. She travels for work, but not as much as you would think. When I had discovered the A I can only think of 3 or 4 times that they might have gotten together. I may be wrong. Nonetheless, right now she is addicted to the feelings from him.

But what you think is I should not try to contact OMW? I was already trying last night, or tonight , or whatever. It's pretty early to be up. I only went to bed 4 hours ago. Can't sleep right without her. Just last weekend she stayed every night. Slept like a baby then. At least I'm going out and interacting this time. No more trapping myself in the house. People can die from a broken heart you know.

Anyway, I will continue to work on me. Though I know now that it is not anything I really did this time. She said that. It was more of an unwillingness to try on her part. Of course, she's in love, why would her heart be in it for us. I tried to get her to give it time to overcome her feelings for the OM. She couldn't get him out of her mind and that's not fair to me either. I suppose her coming back to me isn't going to happen, she'll never see the logic like I do. And that hurts . Their situation as I know it will be very difficult. And yet she still chose it over me. Ouch!

Perhaps reality will set in now that they have to come up with a plan to be together. One of them has to move, or both of them. And that could mean the OM not seeing his newborn. Are either one of them thinking clearly? She just told me 2 weeks ago that she'd like to settle down, start a family, and spend more time at home. Maybe he'll get custody and she can be an instant mom. Sounds crazy to me.

With time I will heal I'm sure. For now I need to talk and try to sort it out. Everyone here is very helpful. Thanks.