wELL I HAD BEEN GONE FOR POLICE TRAINING JUNE 03 -APRIL 04 NOT ALL AT ONCE BUT 7 MONTHS IN BETWEEN. i FOUND OUT MY WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR DURING THIS TIME. SHE SLEPT WITH HIM APROX 8 TIMES. CELL PHONE RECORDS DONT LIE EASY FOR A TRAINED INVESTIGATOR TO PIECE TOGETHER THE PATTERNS. WHEN CONFRONTED ALL TIES TO HIM STOPPED I CONFRONTED HIM AT WORK HE LIED BASICALLY TOLD ME MY WIFE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE( WHAT A MAN OF HONOR) ANY WAY NC WAS DRAFTED EVEN BEFORE I FOUND MB AND GIVEN TO HIM THE NIGHT I CONFRONTED. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT FROM THIS POINT ON, HE EVEN QUIT RIGHT AFTER D-DAY. HERES MY PROBLEM.. BEEN IN CHRISTIAN COUSELING SINCE DD BUT WIFE SEEMS TO THINK I CAN JUST STOP FOCUSING ON THE AFFAIR SHE EVEN GETS PISSED FOR ME NOT BEING IN A HAPPY AS HE** MOOD ALL THE TIME. HOW LONG DO ANY OF YOU SUPPOSE I WILL STOP BEING DEPRESSED AND THINKING OF HER HAVING SEX WITH THIS MAN. I TELL HER IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME. ANY THOUGHT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED..KEV

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. We can help you.

You will be very miserable at first, but things will get better. You won't want to hear this, but it takes about 2 years to get over the emotional pain of an affair.

Most WS (wayward spouses) want the BS (betrayed spouse) to just get over it. That is impossible.

Is the other man married?

BELIEVER, NO HE IS NOT MARRIED JUST A TRUCK DRIVER WHO I SUSPECT DOES THIS QUITE A BIT. HE REALLY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY WIFE IN HER LONELY TIME AS SHE HAS FINALLY STATED. THE FOG LIFTED A FEW DAYS AFTER DD. I REALLY FEEL LUCK THAT SHE WAS HERSELF READY TO END IT ON DD AS SHE HAD TOLD HIM THAT HER FAMILY WAS MORE IMPORTANT. I GUESS IT HAD RUN ITS COURSE. AND SHE IS VERY INTENT ON WORING IT OUT, THANKS TO THE ALMIGHTY GOD WHOM I HAD NEVER EVER BEEN IN TOUCH WITH, I WENT TO GOD IN MY TIME OF NEED AN LO AND BEHOLD HE WAS THERE FOR US BOTH.

It is important to not just sweep this under the rug...for you or her. If it is not fully dealt with there can be repeated problems down the road.

She has to understand why she chose to have a A.
She needs to understand what she needs to do do protect your marriage from any future A's.

You should both read Willard Harley's 'Surviving an Affair' which can be purchased on this website.
Also His Needs, Her Needs. There is a program you can purchase that includes that book and tapes to work through together. You can access some of the questionnaires to fill out (like the emotional needs questionnaire) on this website.

P.S. It is easier to read if you don't use all capitals and break your post into smaller paragraphs. When we use all capitals, it's like shouting.

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

KEV,

From what I'm reading, it sounds like your W is really running away from the conflict.

She sees you in a down mood, and reacts, it reminds her, puts her in the here and now, and she's forced to look at what she did to you. This SUCKS for her. In her mind, she's attempting to build a world where this DIDN'T happen.

Let her know, honestly how you feel. Tell her you aren't trying to make her feel bad, but you have some healing to do. On average, 2 years. That's right... 2 years. Are you going to be all doom and gloom in those 2 years ? Probably not, but there will be moments of depression, sadness... you are in mourning. You're mourning a loss. You'll never have your marriage the way you KNEW it back. it's gone forever. You can build a better, stronger, happier, more fulfilling marriage, but the old one still died. Of course you feel bad sometimes.

Does your W know of MB ? How are you finding MB ? Are the materials here helpful ? Do they make sense to you ?

I hope you'll both participate. We need all the success stories we can handle, and I hope that this is just that, a success story.