My Rant.
I often wonder, whilst I work on variations of my Plan A with my WW, and work is actually not the correct term, maybe as I should define it as; slave, sacrifice and assume the immense excruciating, arduous task of struggling to exorcise her from this dense fog...I wonder while it all be worth it? Will she ever realize that even if her A was just an EA that there is no such thing as "Just an EA" and as we increase magnification on this abomination, this extraterrestial specimen known as an A, will she ever realize the words "JUST" and "AFFAIR" shouldn't ever be used in the same sentence.

I wonder if she will ever truly understand my pain, will I ever be rewarded with a time where I can exhale and say, "Are you back? Are you finally ready to be there for me now?, because sister, friend, lover, wife, rib, I've been suffering alone, crying in a tiny dark room trying to muffle the sounds of my pain by wrapping my face in pillows, so that I do not disturb you, make you uncomfortable, more guilt ridden, trying to be the best me so that I might possibly influence you, shake to your senses and realize that this 25 yearold kid is not/could not/will not/ fulfill my place with you. This kid that you were so taken with, so immersed, enthralled with that you would betray me, ME the one person who has always been there for you, ME the man who gave you his 2 children and loved you more than himself, though admittedly unable to always express that love effectively, but ME ME me, will there come a time when you actually accept your responsibility, the insanity of your actions so that you might come back to me?

No man bears a child and we will never truly understand the emotions, bio-chemical, metaphysical, spiritual transformation, the oxy-Tolson (sp) or the intricacies of the monumental spectrum of consciousness that you travel during a pregnancy, yet when a man loves a woman , when a man truly loves a woman, ohhh lawd it is the closest relative state that I can fathom that might even remotely resemble a pregnancy. And when that woman you so love has snatched away your pedestal view of her, when she has backed up a 18 wheeler full of ice water to your bedside, hit the lever and drenched you with the hard reality that NO I'm not you're QUEEN FOOL, NO I'm not your ANGEL, NO I'm not your incentive to accomplish all that you dream, NO you idealistic, foggified embecile I'm not worth dying for. If 4 masked men rushed into our home tonight and tried to take me..NO I'm not worth dying for! I am just a woman, these lips may if I chose, touch another, or my body, though you cherish it, though you worship it, if I am so inclined I may choose to share it with another man! My intimate thoughts, the butterflys in my stomach that used to flutter only for you; if I choose I may let someone else flutter them and dammit I might can like it, refuse to let it go and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it! I wonder if she was ever who I believed her to be? Have I been fooling myself all these years? All these years of respecting, cherishing, idolizing...was it all a charade, a bunch of *BS? Did you ever exist as I saw you and was I simply to foggified to realize you were never YOU, just who I built you up to be?!?!?

I'm here fighting for my marriage and the dream of that Angel to comeback, regain her dignity, position, throne, yet I wonder will I ever see her that way again? Will all of this Plan Aing be merely an exercise to regain her only to say "Okay you're back now, are you sure? Positive? Okay good F* YOU!! I wonder if I have that fortitude to accept, deal with, and transcend the fact that she killed that woman I loved when she betrayed me. Will I be man enough to put all things in perspective?

I know my words are all over the place, yet they mimmick my emotions which bounce back and forth from hope, to misery, to anger, to guilt, to uncertainty, to hate, to love and then to misery again...There are no answers and I don't know even after all of my Plan Aing if it will mean a damned thing, but I know in the end I will have learned more about myself in the next few months then some men learn in a lifetime about love, relationships, intimacy and my self discovery, BUT the more I learn , the more I delve into all this information and as I experience all of these varying emotions, I wonder if it's all worth it?
I fear that I've learned far more than I ever wanted to know about my wife who I used to meet every morning at her high school locker, walk to school with, ran away from home with, jumped and scrounged to supply her with her hearts desire in my own silly, awkward, unpolished yet well-meaning ways. I fear it was all *BS. My W not only slapped my face by dividing her love for me with someone else, but she has maliciously murdered the woman I loved, cherished, idolized, adored, respected, built my dreams around and protected and she doesn't even have the decency to seek retribution. Instead she sleeps on the couch in the living room, still hides her cellphone, still answers simply questions with "I DONT KNOWS" and isn't sure she even wants to be my W anymore and the only penalty I've commited was phoning the OM and asking WHY ARE YOU CALLING MY WIFE? to which he responded "I DIDNT EVEN KNOW YOU WERE TOGETHER?!"

I apologize for my rant, but I'm sure you all understand my pain. I actually had a point to my post, really I did, but for the life of me I can't recall what it was, ironically I feel the same way about my M.

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Good work.....

Really excellent opening yourself up.

Hold on to yourself .... emotionall dips and swerves ahead.

I think one of the GREAT dangers of a prolonged Plan A ..... it can bankrupt the BS 's resources.

Pep

familymatters -

Wow. I know just how you feel. I've been through this for 16 long months. All I can tell you is I never regretted trying.

Although it was very painful for me, I can look back and know that I tried, I really tried.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Pepperband
Good work.....
Really excellent opening yourself up.
Hold on to yourself .... emotionall dips and swerves ahead.
I think one of the GREAT dangers of a prolonged Plan A ..... it can bankrupt the BS 's resources.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to get this out on paper and YES I'm beginning to feel emotionally depleated. I stupidly asked her to comeback to our bedroom last night,that was foolish of me. She replied "You don't really want that, that's not you"..Getting rejected by your S while they live with you is gut-wrenching. When finances are better in a month or so, I think detaching will help me take care of me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> believer
Wow. I know just how you feel. I've been through this for 16 long months. All I can tell you is I never regretted trying.

Although it was very painful for me, I can look back and know that I tried, I really tried. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope and pray in the end I will feel I did the right thing for my family. I grew up on a split household, with a stepdad. My mother birthed 5 children, she gave one up for adoption. She had 2 children out of wedlock then she married my stepfather and had 2 children with him. I was only say 2 when she married my stepdad, my older brother moved out when I was 10 and we were never very close. I grew up without a sense of real identity. I was the only person in my household with my last name, my brother and sister looked nothing like me. I always felt like an outsider. I made a pact with myself years ago that I would not subject my kids to this. I promised myself that I would give them a traditional family, Mom and Dad together, no outside children, thus laying a foundation of family values they might emulate with their own families one day. I thought my W believed in this goal. I find myself wishing I never met her, with so many half-assed dads out there who aren't responsible, and with so many good woman who long for a man to love them, be willing to give of himself, who respects family and children and his duty to them....why did I have to fall in love with a woman who in the end doesn't see the importance of family and foundation? Imagine a mother of 2 rationalizing why it's okay to break up a family and divide our children AGAIN! Remember we were separated for 2 years and have been back together for over a year...that's enough turmoil for my kids thankyou, but no more thank you very much!

When and IF she leaves, she will not divide my children without a court order. The children stay and the selfish wife can leave. In the end I'm sure I will find happiness again!

FM-what a great post. I too have all those feelings. I share your you pain, your hope, your misery, your anger. I am there in the very same place you are and it sucks. Thanks for expressing those feelings.

Oh man..I wish she could see this and get her own big dose of ice water!

This brought tears to my eyes and I hope that you can heal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> sister, friend, lover, wife, rib, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">rib?
Did you just say rib? Ha ha ha. Thats funny. Oh man.

Well all I can say is that I am asking the same thing. But perhaps we do this as a process for ourselvs too. Sometimes its hard to be the 'best person' for a cheater, but why I do it is for me also. If I gave up and walked, I would not have learned who I was and what I was worth. I know your heart just screams leave me leave me you cheating cheater and take the knife you left in my back with you. But for some reason we haven't. I do not know how you are right now, but I am getting to be at peace more every day the harder I try. If she still goes, I will never ever look back as say I did not try hard enough. But if she stays, will she give back in love what she took in her betrayal? If she doesn't, will it have been worth at least having her back? For me it will.

Remember, our words and promises are still worth something.

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: Julius ]</small>

FM,

Very eloquently said. I think many of the same things.

Julius, Like your signature line.

Wow if that ain't me..............I feel the same way well said.............It is all about LOVE...................................yes And I will take a stand.............One thing they do not have is TIME...............We had the time........OM does not have...........and the memories..........

Some of us have the ability to put feelings into words. You definitely did it here. You're not alone brother. What keeps us going? Love is the strongest thing on earth. We may never understand it, but trying to understand is more important than what you understand. I'm in the boat with you. We'll make it I'm sure. It's the hardest thing we can deal wuth. But it only makes us better people. Hopefully our efforts pay off and our lovers see the light. Good luck.

Insult to injury:
My W got up real early today, of cours I was up because I don't sleep so well anymore. I asked where she was going and she said just to run a few errands. A few errands. She said she needed to go to the post office. That made sense, but I had a bad feeling, so I asked was she still in contact with OM? She said No, I asked then why is your cellphone still hidden? She didn't respond.

She left out, left me with the children around 10am and it's now about 5:30. So did she go the post office, or did she go meet up with him? No call, no anything. It doesn't take a genuis to figure this one out huh? I will not LB..I can't prove anything and suspicions only push FOGHEADS more into the FOG right?

On a upnote, my best friend is my 6 year old son. We spend alot of time together these days. I know I'm going thru some rough times and after some meditation this morning I was moved to have a talk with him. We were about to go out so he could practice ridding his newly transformed 2-wheeler! I held his little face in my hands, helmet and all, looked deeply in his eyes and said;
"Son, I love you very very much, you are the best son in the world, when daddy gets mad as somethings you do it doesn't mean I don't love you, because I love you Very Very Much!"

We went outside and he road his bike for a while, afterwards we had an idea; Lets make an ANT FARM! I made ant farms as a kid and I thought this would be a great activity for us. He loved it, and it also served as therapy for me. I didn't think about my M during the whole adventure of getting dirt, finding ants and everything inbetween.

Aint that some cool stuff?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
I found something to smile about after all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Good for you. Kids can be wonderful therapy, and you sound like a great dad. Last week my girl and I were talking about having kids. Today she's with O.M., I'm trying to keep it together and not contact her. She told me we were through. Again? I'm looking for something to do with myself but don't seem interested in much. I know I have to eat this time. I can't afford to lose another 30. Hang in there. As we all do.

Joe you've gotta force yourself to stay active, go for a jog or a long walk. Thursday I walk/jogged for 4 miles. It really helps! Do something Joe anything...don't listen to love songs, don't lock yourself in your room (i'm guilty of all of these) don't pine away. Get Up, Get Out and do Something, and that's an order! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yep - they are gonna do what they are gonna do. You can only change yourself. I sat around like a zombie for months - what a waste of time!

All of this is painful, but you need to take care of you. Force yourself to get out and do things.

Hey guys,
I hear what you're saying. Get out and do stuff. I won't let myself fall apart like the first time she walked out. It's hard, but I have been going out, believe me. And I'm sort of a workaholic. This time around I didn't even take the day off when she let me down.
I'll be alright I guess. It's just that I'm prtty new to this sight and it's captured me. It's making me feel better in a time when I need it. That's why we're all here isn't it? Stay strong and thanks...