I have a question re: Exposure to workplace.

My WH works for a state agency. He has been conducting an A with a co-worker for 2.5 years.
D day May 15, 2004 by me (contracted genital herpes from WH).

Should I send a letter to their Human Resources department exposing the A?

Obviously, someone there knows about it, because someone called me at work one day "Ms. XXXX? Txxxx Mxxxx is who your husband is sleeping with"
Then hung up.

We are now trying to work it out. My WH believes that his ex-supervisor is the one who called me.
(Apparently she also has a "thing" for my WH, and is very jealous.)

Any thoughts? Should contact be anonymous? What should I do?

WH is thinking strongly about ending the A, but says he will not leave his job. End of story. (It's a very specialized job, not found in any other place)...

We are now trying to work it out


WH is thinking strongly about ending the A, but says he will not leave his job.

k72172,

Think about those 2 statements. WHAT are you trying to work out? How he can continue in the A and you be ok with it?

I say that because the second statement throws me. He is THINKING strongly (wasted word) about ending the affair.

How can you be trying to "work it out" unless the affair is stopped?

I'm confused to say the least. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

committed

First, see this post:

Affair Exposure 101

I believe workplace exposure should be the exposure of last resort.

Some employers, particularly government/province/state/U.S. Military etc. have strict rules regarding workplace affairs and especially regarding sexual harassment which occurs, by definition, in a supervisor/employee situation. So, workplace exposure can be especially effective, but may carry high colateral damage for one or both affairees. Is you H the OW's supervisor? Vice versa?

If you believe your husband is coming around, this may not be the time to expose in the workplace.

But have you exhausted all other exposure opportunities? Family, OP's spouse, close friends, etc.?

Affair won't end and marriage won't improve until one or the other leaves the job. I trusted my former WW and allowed her to keep her job aft DD. The marriage never got better and the recovery never began until my wife quit her job.

ABSOLUTELY No Contact is crucial.

Thanks WAT and committed...

I have read Affair Exposure 101....that's what got me thinking.

Posted earlier today in "WH says he can't see himself leaving me" that he wants to disentangle himself, but doesn't know how. He already told me he loves OW.

I have told him before that I wanted the A to stop, and for him to come back to me. I don't know how to express myself more plainly that.

I know one of his sisters would be furious with him if she knew. But if he knew I told her, he would be soooooooooooooo mad at me!

What do I do? How do I go about it? K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
WH is thinking strongly about ending the A, but says he will not leave his job. End of story. (It's a very specialized job, not found in any other place)... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well then, what are you waiting for?

Leave him.

You are obviously too far down on his priority list to successfully recover your marriage after infidelity.

Recovery is HARD. REALLY REALLY HARD

If you start recovery with an anchor around your neck (work-related continued contact and a work environment that condones affairs) I seriously doubt your chances are even lukewarm.

Sorry .... but I know how hard recovery is ... and even in excellent circumstances .... recovery can fail.

Your circumstances are not good.... lukewarm at best.

Pep


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong>I know one of his sisters would be furious with him if she knew. But if he knew I told her, he would be soooooooooooooo mad at me!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he'll be mad at you! Because telling would upset things!

This is a calculated LB.

Forget about workplace exposure for now.

Tell, tell, tell everybody in the family who can have any influence on him.

What about OW? Is she married? If so, tell her husband.

He's talking outta both sides of his mouth. "Trying to work it out" yet "in love."

Exposure will blow the lid. It won't be pretty and he'll be madder than a wet hen. But the status quo will continue until SOME upset comes along.

But for info, what is the workplace organizational status of your H and OW? Peers or boss/employee?

WAT

Thanks..........I think.

OW is divorced. Alcoholic husband.

They work in the same building, but in different departments. He is in management, she is not.

Trying to be cool, calm. I want the A ended. Just don't want to push him farther away.

NOW WHAT?????

K,

I know my take seems like a complete downer.

But this is what I think.... if you do not expose completely to all .... your chances for even a good try at recovery are zilch.

Forget H being mad..... this is not the issue....

Are you strong enough to stand up and do what is right?

Expose...... simple, state the facts....

"Dear SIL,

I love your brother, my husband very much.

he is having an affair with a woman at work for the past (time).

I want at least a fighting chance to try and save our marriage....

Will you help me fight for my marriage?"

If he isn't angry now, he SHOULD BE ..... he needs to feel some consequences in order to be motivated to make some posiitive changes.

His anger is the least of your worries. His apathy is a far greater threat to your marriage.

Without exposure.... your marriage is DOA.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Pep

Thanks Pep and all.....

I guess I will take action. It's going to be very hard.

But he's waffling.....someone said "Pass the syrup".

He's a good man in a bad situation. Love IS hard.

Thanks, K

K

Are you willing to do what is right? Even if it is difficult?

Exposure is morally correct ~as well as~ necessary to swat your H off the fence and shove that cake he's eating right in his face.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Who else in the family will be mad at him if they find out?

Tell them all at once.

He may get so mad that he'll leave. If that happens, a quick move to Plan B may be in order - just to hit him all at once.

What are your home arrangements? Children? Own or rent?

WAT

Exposure is all about disrupting the Affair and putting some realty into their fantasy world. It was exposure and the threat of additional exposure to my FWW that began the breakdown of the Affair.

I learned exposure was an absolute needed tool to begin the breakup of the Affair. Exposure takes the away the secrecy that is necessary for the affair to flourish in. It can also expose emotions of the perfect OP allowing your spouse to begin to see the reality of what the person is really like. Maybe they should call exposure a fantasy buster. Good luck.

Thanks everyone.....

Have been out all day, had lunch with WH, and just got home from having a beer with him and some friends.

He told me tonight that he is staying here this coming week. (he has an apartment in the town where he works, 60 miles away) We own our home, and our children are grown (D 28 y.o., and S 30 y.o. - he lives next door).

He says we will take it one day at a time. I guess I can't get him pinned down on any plans further than a couple of days away.

From the way he talks, you would think I'm a monster to live with. I'm a kind, gentle person, very calm and easy going. When I get angry, I am sarcastic.

WH says that he can't say anything to me without hurting my feelings - he says mean things most of the time - gets angry and irritated whenever he is with me.

Of course, he is a kind and gentle person when he is with OW. He says he can't be that way with me. I told him it was a habit, and habits can be changed, but his personality cannot (his whole family has anger problems). Don't think OW knows that side of him - I didn't either until after we were married.

I see that I must expose the A to his family. I know he will be angry, but he usually is anyway.

I need your support on this. It's very scary!!!!

K

Do your children know?

I believe children beyond puberty should be told explicitly and younger ones not lied to to cover for a parent.

WAT

Yes, our children do know.

D especially has been telling me since last Nov. when WH moved out that he is hiding something. Of course, I was blind "No, he wouldn't do anything like that".

S is very disappointed. He says "we weren't raised this way" which refers to their religious upbringing.

They don't want to get caught in the middle of this, but say that if WH chooses OW, that they probably won't see him again, will not be in same room with OW. Don't think WH knows this, though.

This morning, I don't feel optimistic about the situation. But I must put on my best Plan A face, because WH is going to come up here for the week. He says "we're going to take this one day at a time".

My feeling right now is, if I catch him calling OW while he's here, I will tell him to leave - go to plan B.

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong>S is very disappointed. He says "we weren't raised this way" which refers to their religious upbringing.

They don't want to get caught in the middle of this.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was it part of their "religious" upbringing to avoid conflict in the face of a fundamental conflict with their faith? Have they forgotten their "Thou shalt nots?" Are you saying they won't confront their Dad despite their religious upbringing?

Sheese.

Can you pronounce "hyprocrisy"?

Pardon my vent, but why is it OK for "religious" folks to attempt to recruit others, chastising them for not living right, when they won't apply the standards to their own?

And what of exposing to his sister? Hmmmm?

WAT

WAT, she means by "weren't raised this way" that they weren't raised to condone adultery. The boy then said he would cut his dad out of his life if he chooses the OW.

What is hypocritical about that?

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

But it sounds as if he doesn't want to confront him.

I get actively confronted by door-to-door prosetilyzers challenging me to come get "saved" and follow the word.

But the son is taking a passive role? Seems contradictory to me. No confrontation = condoning it.

WAT

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

mistake

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>