I am less than 4 weeks from delivery and am having second thoughts. Originally I was going to allow my WH to come to the birth and possibly observe at the very end then leave.
Now I am not sure as I think it would cause me more stress as well as my family. No one has seen him since he left which was 3 months ago. What do you think. I want to celebrate my son and not have anything else to worry about.
I don't have any contact with him right now. It is just easier that way. He just sent all of my family cards talking about how he takes full responsibility and he should have communicated. That not communicating caused all of this. Also thanking them for being a great family to him and to support me. FOG!

hey there durham,
I've been wondering how you've been.

this is such a terrible decision for you to make. I can not imagine how've you've held up, but you are strong, and I admire that.

start giving us reasons why you want him there, and then give us reasons why you don't want him there.

maybe this will get you opinions on both sides, and you'll come to one that you WON'T regret !!

that's all I want for you, the right decision.

It sounds like he is repentant, coming out of the fog....


Are you willing to forgive him?

Durham-

I know how you feel... I seriously thought that I would not allow my h to come into the delivery room. I didn't think that he deserved to be there. I needed the support from him and my entire family was there for the birth and only two people knew about the A. (His parents) It would have brought everything out into the open if I didn't allow him to be there and I wasn't ready to share that with everybody. From the time of DDay until her birth was 16 days. I was still in Plan A. My situation was a lot different then what yours is. My h never left home.

I do admire you for staying as strong as you have through all of this. I was a mess for the last three weeks of my pregnancy. I lost 20 pounds from the time he told me til the time our baby was born. I couldn't eat or sleep. I just kept going for my kids sake. I tried my best to be the strongest person I could. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and I pray to God I will never have to go through that again.

Ask yourself what could happen if he was there... could being there with your family and witnessing the birth of his son jerk reality into him? I would think so, it did for my h... now it just depends on how you feel about him. It would definately make the OW jealous... this is something only you can share with him.

Take care of yourself... I went into labor three weeks early. You could go into labor any time. Make sure you get plenty of rest! I'll be praying for you and your family.

Durham - Glad to see you are still doing well. This is a hard decision to make. I agree you should make a list of why you should have him there, and why you shouldn't.

By the way, when is little one due now?

I am due August 20th. I have thought about both the pros and cons of him being there.
On one hand I want him to be there because if we ever tried to work it out I could never forgive that he was not there to witness the birth. I want him to see what I am going through to bring this baby into the world. If he is not there he will just get the joy of the baby. Like it just appeared.
On the other hand I don't know what it is going to do to me emotionally having him there. I don't want to think about him and just focus on the baby and delivery. I don't want him taking away from my experience. He already has taken so much joy from me.
I have told him that he may be able to see come at the end as an observer. My coach will be cutting the chord.

Durham-

I asked my h what you should do...

His reply is: If you want to reconcile with your h them let him in. He said that it made a difference with him. It was one of the things that brought him closer to me. Sharing this experience is a great joy.

Another thought... your son will have relationship with both of you whether or not you and your husband stay together. I know it's hard becuase you want to punish your h for the pain he has caused you (that's how I felt)... but would it be fair to your son?

If I remember correctly you have been in Plan B for about three months... and h has tried to contact you through the mail etc. I honestly think that he needs to see you and your baby together. He will see what his missing out on and will possibly bring him out of the FOG.

durham -

You are going to have to search your soul and make a decision. The statistics say that you and WH will get back together.

But delivery day is YOUR day. You need to do what will be most comfortable for you.

I totally agree with betrayed wife (or her husband). If attending the birth of your h's child doesn't firm up his knowing that he belongs with you and this family, it's hard to find a better reason to do so.

If you want him back, you really have little other choice. There really is no downside.

There's a huge downside, Guidance. For example, having a WH running in and out of the delivery room to telephone and reassure OW, distressing the family and traumatizing Durham and the baby. Having the birth experience be colored by the betrayal of WH -- something she'd like to forget for the day.

Well, you know my take on this, Durham. I'd be very wary of using delivery as a tool to manipulate the emotions of others -- e.g., it will make WH change his ways, it will make OW jealous, it will punish WH, etc.

Think of you and the baby, and what will be best for all of you. Historically, internationally, relatively few men have seen their babies born. It will be fine if WH doesn't. But do what's best for YOU.

Durham-
You have gotten lots of advice... do what is best you. Certainly anything can happen... it could bring him back or stress you out more. Good luck in what ever you decide to do.

This day is not just about you and the baby, but the baby and his/her parents. Would you want your child to be told that his/her mother kept his/her father from being there at birth?

While I totally agree that this situation should not be used to manipulate him into returning to his family and no consideration whatsoever should be given to the ow, you should think about this child first. This is her/his father-nothing will ever change that.

If you do allow him in the delivery room, he should be told that his behavior is to respect you and your family. Maybe his parents could be in charge of keeping an eye on him so that he doesn't cause harm to you. This is their grandchild and they want to have a relationship with that child no matter what. It would be wise for his father to speak to him about what is appropriate, expected and the consequences of behavior that is not in your best interest.

The fact that he has attempted to contact you during Plan B speaks volumes. I think it would be a mistake to bar him from a place that he has a right to be but there must be limitations in consideration of your health.

Durham,

This is a difficult decision. It could prove to be helpful to you if you and hubby do decide that you wish to reconcile, but it could also stress you out during delivery, depending on what behaviour he is on.

What does your husband want? Has he expressed interest/desire to be there with/for you?

If you feel that he should be there to witness the birth of his first child, you may wish to allow him there. Remember, you can always change your mind. If you feel that his presence is difficult for you to deal with or if he behaves inappropriately, you can always ask a member of the hospital staff (nurse, doctor etc.) to escort him out. They will always do what is best for YOU in this situation.

Good luck to you and your little one!

Kati

I too am expecting a child and look with some apprehension toward the delivery. My only advice would be to not use the birth of your child as an occasion to bring your husband into reality. The truth is that he has broken intimacy with you..and delivery of a child is an intimate situation. How will it affect you if you allow him to be there..and he still walks away? How comfortable are you with letting him see you at what is literally your most helpless, vulnerable, and needy time? Birth may be beautifull..but it ain't pretty. You should not feel pressured to allow his presence in the delivery room if it makes you uncomfortable. He will not be hindered in his relationship with his child by this. The role of husband/supporter is for intimate couples who wish to experience this moment together...gawkers don't count. Make sure you are able to experience this moment fully and without self consciousness..he voided his right to it when he abandoned you and his child.

Durham,

I believe I gave my 2 cents to this question to you about a month and a half ago...check your previous posts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Quick reminder: I'm a labour and delivery nurse and I've seen many times the situation you are contemplating. Having a non-supportive person with you during this special time (whether it's the father of your baby or not) is NEVER a good idea.

You need a calm, stress free environment in which to happily and safely deliver your baby. At this point, there are too many unresolved issues with your WH to allow him to be a supportive force in the delivery room. Do not use this time to try to get him to change his mind about coming back. This is not about him and him needing to see his child born! This moment is about Mom & baby and insuring that both are safe and sound.

To be honest, in the past, I've asked people to leave the room if they were upsetting or causing the labouring mom any stress or discomfort. I can't guarentee your L&D nurse will do this for you, why take the chance? Take every step you need to protect yourself during a time when you will be quite vulnerable.

double post

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

My plan has never been to have WH in delivery in order to win him back. That is not the kinds of marriage I would ever want. I am going to see how I am feeling during delivery. He can sit in the waiting room and if I feel up to it see the birth.
My WH does want to be a part of whatever I will allow him. He states he can't wait to meet him and that he wishes he could be with him more but can't. (visitation)
I visited our mutual friends today whom just had a baby. My WH sent them a card congratulating them. He also stated he missed going to breakfast with them on Sundays and that he wished things could have worked out better.
The more he talks the more I think he needs to be admitted to an institution. He is supposed to be getting an apartment before the baby is born but he hasn't told me when or where. I am waiting for that. The last time he contacted me it was about brining our camcorder to the delivery. That I may want to if allowed.

Hi Durham

Getting close, huh? I hope you are feeling OK.

In reading the responses to your post, I have to agree with noodle and mgm. I've been there as you know. My WH was at the delivery, but he wasn't "there" for me at all. It was awful. He was so fogged up it was almost scary. The only thing we agreed on at that time (it was an absolute low point then) was that he really wanted to be there. I wanted him there because I wanted him back. I was in denial and shock since it was right after d-day.

It did NOT bring him back. I know you are not expecting that.

We were both very uncomfortable together in the hospital. My labor was fast and furious. It was so sad to not have him really help me like he did for the other 2 babies. It broke my heart.

It has taken months of Plan A to get Fogman back, and he is starting to come back like they all do.

Oh, Durham, you may not know for sure what you want until that day. Women just know these things... and you are one mighty strong woman. Bless you and bless your baby.

We Catholics have a few saints for a safe delivery: Blessed Virgin Mary (the ultimate mother) and St. Gerard. I will pray to them for your safe delivery.