Thanks guys, I really appriciate the support I'm getting here. LIR, I think you hit it right. I am really scared. If he gets caught he will lose all of his jobs and he's never even been to school so he doesn't have any options other than what he is doing now. He was home schooled and never got his HS diploma.

As for me, I just got to IL last night. I haven't met the girl I'm supposed to about the room I'm hopefully going to rent now. Hopefully that will happen later today. I thought my dad was going to stay longer, but he left this morning leaving me basically homeless. At least I have to library for internet access and my gym membership so I can shower and clean up. I have to start looking for a job because I don't even have money to eat.

I was supposed to meet with H last night but it got too late by the time I showered after I got here last night but he says he'll see me sometime today. He says he's broke too so I can't count on him for any help either.

I was in counseling at my school here but I've been dissmissed from student status so I don't think I'll be able to go anymore. I was seeing someone in TX but being that I'm not there anymore... I'm thinking about just seeing my priest. I've never actually done reconciliation but I think it's about time I try. Maybe I need a little spiritual guidance.

I have the letter printed and ready to send. I'm kind of feeling lost right now. I don't have anywhere to go. I keep telling myself that this is the time to try and learn new things. I have this library and I have the gym. I can learn and get in shape. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What I'm going to eat is another story. Until I find a job I think I'll be living off of crakers and water. Maybe I'll be able to find some cheap vitamins to keep me from getting sick until then. I have my car, I'm going to fill it up today and see how far that gets me. My parents put me on thier family plan and gave me a cell phone for my b-day so I can always stay in contact with them.

Overall, things may look bad but people have had to go through worse. Wish me luck today. It's my first day completely on my own in my life. I hope I can keep it together when I see H. I don't know how to look at him in the eyes knowing that this thing is going to blow open in a few days.

GBM-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he gets caught he will lose all of his jobs and he's never even been to school so he doesn't have any options other than what he is doing now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate to say this, but keep a copy of the letter and SEND IT! Keep the copy safe so that you can try to cya (cover your you know what). You don't have anything else left to loose darling. The only way now is UP!

Go to a church - any church, see if anything, you can get some guidance - but you may luck out and they could help you find a place to stay and some help! That's what their business is, you know - helping...at the least try the YWCA!

I am here - we are here - hoping for you, praying for you....

- Kimmy

Goodbyeme - (your name makes me sad)

I understand your decision to let the parents decide on how public they want this to get with their daughter. I don't think your husband should be working in places where he has contact with young girls, though. I think that is the common feeling of people posting to you asking you to call the police, if the girls parents don't maybe you should think about that. Granted you have soooo much on your plate now. You need to think about you, and put as much emotional distance between this mess and yourself.

You are so young, please think very long about continuing in a marriage with this man. He has problems, anyman who would get involved with a 15/16 yr old has serious problems. I hope you understand this.

I wonder if you ended up with someone like him because of your childhood sexual abuse. You say you have been in counseling, so I'm sure you understand these things much more than I.

Take Niosgirls advice and try and stay in close contact with a church where they can help and support you. I have found non-demoninational churches to be very helpful. That is just my opinion though.

Take care and what Niosgirl said is true we are thinking of you and wishing you well on this new journey of yours.

YOU ARE VERY BRAVE!!!

Weaver

Just met with H. Talked for a few hours. Blah! He is so full of himself. The entire time he kept bringing up his weight loss, and now his new thing is facial scrubs because he wants his skin to be super soft. He even had me touch his face just to see how smooth he has it now. Says he bought some new skin products and even went to Walmart for them (he hates Walmart). I asked why he went there because it seemed like a strange place to go for skin care products even as a last resort. But he said he tried everywhere else so he decided went there after that. I wouldn't be suprised if the girl recommended it and that it could only be found at Walmart. Who goes to Walmart specifically for their skin care products? He never paid attention to his hygene when I was with him. I had to take a shower with him to even get him into the shower because he wouldn't shower in like a week. He wouldn't even brush his teeth most days. Blah! Now that I'm out of the picture he wants to be Mr. Handsome. It just gets me angry. Plus, he wanted to warn me about the room because he's taken everything of mine out of it. He said he wasn't originally going to but it just happened that way when he was cleaning up.

He spent a bunch of time talking about how good he looked now which made me feel horrible because for the past 2 months I've been living off of Mexican food so my skin looks bad and I've gained like 15 lbs.

I tried not to cry but everytime I looked at his eyes he gave me that look that he always used to when he would tell me he loved me but of course that wasn't what it meant. I kept leaving so I wouldn't break down in front of him but after about 2 hours I couldn't keep the tears in.

I don't know if this is a good thing or not, but after I talk to him I forget all of the hurtful things he says to me. I know he said a lot of hurtful things and I remember feeling hurt, but I don't even remember what he said. I hope I find a place to stay today. It really sucked seeing today. He says that it looks like he isn't upset about this but he's cried many times over the past few years because of it but never in front of me. I can't wait to pick up my things (even though I'm dreading it because I don't want to leave) so I can be through with it. He says he hopes we can still remain in contact and I told him I can do that right now but I didn't tell him that once my stuff is out of his house that is going to change.

On a funny note: He had to write a character reference for a friend of his who is becoming a lawyer. When his mom heard about it she told him that it was funny that he was writing a character reference for someone as he has shown himself to be of such a high character. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay, being homeless is pretty boring. I think I'm going to go pick up some more job applications, check on what I need to open a new checking account (an address would be good), and see about talking to people at my church. I was going to go to the gym, especially since I'm feeling rotten about the way I look, but I'm just exhausted after meeting with him. Hopefully I can find a good place to nap.

Does he know you have no where to stay? He is buying skincare products when you have no where to stay and nothing to eat????

And you still like this man? Do you want to stay married to him or are you just trying to end it and work through your feelings for him?

I'm very angry at this guy and I really hope you are too. A part of me thinks you are so young and so is he, but I can't understand why he knows you have no place to stay and no food and that doesn't seem to concern him.

Is this true?

He knows my situation but he takes it as it being my choice to be in so he doesn't feel guilty about it. I don't know how he can afford to buy skin care products when he said he had to cash in a bunch of his change just to take me to lunch today. He keeps complaining that he hasn't been paid in a few months so he has no money which I think is true but somehow he always is able to go to the salon when he needs to and buy games and such when he wants.

I think I'm still in the in between stage between wanting to stay in the M and leave it behind. I think leaving it behind is the best thing but whenever I talk to him or see him all I want to do is please him. I am angry at him. He puts almost all the blame on me and makes me feel guilty because he says he was still willing to work on things until revealed the A to his friends and family. He says that he feels like I betrayed him and his family by doing that and that is the thing that sealed the end to him. Blah!

Another funny point: He claimes to have dreams about me being angry at him every couple of days that wake him up every two hours. I appoligized for being angry at him in his dreams but in my mind I was wishing I could be that way in person to him. I wish I could stop the tears, yell at him, throw his phone in the river and then push him in after it but that's just not me. Since this doesn't look like it's going to work out my only regret wasn't throwing a fit when I found out about the A. I wish I had thrown his phone at him and yelled at him but I didn't want to disturb his parents so I wrote a letter and drove to a park to cry and wait for him to read it. Sometimes I think he should get what he deserves but when I see him I go to mush. I think he still thinks that what he did wasn't wrong and that it was all me. I wish I could keep my mind made up. One second I want him to pay and the next I want to hold him.

I know how you feel about the confusing feelings. No advice there, except what you do depends on what you want, but it is too soon to know what you want I suppose.

I have nieces your age who are just beginning their lives, in grad school and college. Dating, working, traveling with their friends, and it pains me to see someone your age in this sitch. You have no kids and a bright future, so think very, very hard if this is what you want with a troubled man, or the life a young girl with her whole future ahead of her could have. If your husband was supportive of you, not having an affair with a child, then it might be different, but this is what it is, unfortunately.

Sometimes I wish I could go back 8 years and live a normal teen/early 20's life. I know my age is still young but I feel so old and not the kind of old you want to be when you are a teen. I feel worn down. I miss my H. He hugged me when he had to go today and I didn't want to let go. Today he spent time with me and that was nice, but what's going to happen a few days from now when he doesn't come to see me? I think some days when I lived with him the only times he was ever around me were when he was at home and now that I'm not there I won't see him. It scares me now that I'm here that he has the ability to see me but won't instead of can't like when I was in TX.

He says our contact is up to me. If I want contact, we will remain in contact. I think my big problem will be that I want daily contact with him. I want to see him before he goes to work and I want to be with him when he gets out and that won't be the case now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This Thursday is going to be hard hard hard. I'm going to have to fight the urge to check up on him during that break in his classes. It's going to really suck. It's like I want to be there to watch him and make sure that nothing is going on. If he ever wanted to try and work on things again I would want to do that but it's a big no no right now. I used to go to his classes everyday and watch him teach. He used to like it when I did that but when I started school I had classes that kept me from doing that. I should never have stopped that.

Today he mentioned many of the problems that lead up to the A. I knew we were having problems but I didn't know that I was the problem. I had just started working on fixing some of the things that I saw. I bought medicine that was supposed to help my libido (never even got to start taking it) and I starting seeing a counselor. I kept both secret because I thought he would think it was stupid. I told him that I was doing all of that to help us before all this happened but he said he didn't know that before. Now I think I should have told him. Now he says it's just too late.

Another thing that got me angry today was when I asked about my cat. He said she seems happier than ever now that the stresses in the house have gone which I took as me. I guess I was making the whole house stress out, including my cat and they are all happier there without me.

I feel so unattractive right now. He said he thought I was going to date when I was in TX. I told him that I didn't but I was asked out a few times. I told him that I couldn't even think about being with someone else. Sometimes I wish I could stomach meeting someone new. I've never even really dated before. Maybe it's just my youth speaking but I don't want to dishonor my marriage vows. Even though I'm not very religous I think of them as sacred and not something to disregard. I don't understand anything anymore.

Don't dishonor your marriage vows. Take your time and figure out what you want. If you want a life with your husband than read about the MB concepts and the plans. Your husband needs counseling though, and please listen to "lady in red". She has been through this. Seek her out on a thread and she will talk to you about this.

But if you decide that a marriage to him is not what you want, then that is okay too. You are young, very brave and you could probably have what ever you want out of life.

My only advice to you would be to is to think about what you want for yourself. If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be. You are young enough and spunky enough that you could get it. (I know you are spunky because you had the nerve to post here, I would not have reached out here at your age and I was pretty spunky).

You don't have to settle and you shouldn't. There is a poster on here named "stunned dad fast recovering", his wife was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and he is very knowledgeable in that area. He might be a good one to seek out also.

Take your time and take care of yourself.

library about to close... one lonely night ahead of me in the car... H is comfy ay home with my cat... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

getting sleepy and a little weary of sleeping in the car in a parking lot at night. Why did I want to come up here again? I guess i thought my dad was going to stay a little longer... I guess I'm off to the gym now. Luckly that's open 24 hours.

First night in car over. You know what makes me angry? H called at about 10:30 last night and asked if I found a place to stay. I say that I haven't yet and he just says he doesn't know how to respond to that. Then I thought, hey! His parents have a little house on a lake about an hour up from here that they only use on on some weekends. How come nobody offers to let me stay there until I get my apartment. It also gave me a lot of time to think and I was thinking that the reason he was being so nice to me when I was away was just so I wouldn't come back up and he is only trying to be on my good side so that I didn't report him. After last night I know that he isn't the same person who once cared for me the way I want to be cared for. It just got me so angry. I wanted to just drive home all night and kick him out to roam the streets so that I could stay in our bed and live with our cat. I should have never agreed to live with his parents. If we lived on our own I wouldn't be in the situation. I could have kicked him out like he deserves.

GoodByeMe,

I don't understand why you don't have a place to live. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You were living there with him before...weren't you? Is it rented? Is your name on the lease? Is it a home? Are you part owner?

Why aren't you moving back in?

committed

GoodBye, you have been heavy on my mind since I read your threads yesterday. I'm also having some trouble connecting the dots here. I understand from the letter you shared from yur H that he is placing a great deal of blame for your current problems on you. I know you'll be reading a lot on this forum and you will see that this is typical WS behavior. Don't EVEN take this seriously!

I am concerned about you not having a place to stay right now, what is the time frame as to getting into an apartment? Am I correct in thinking you both lived with his parents in their house and now despite their knowledge of his involvement with the student they are supportive of you not living there? Sorry for the questions, I'm not clear on the details.

You sound better this AM despite your night in the car. By this, I mean you sound MAD. This is GOOD! You deserve more than an H who messes with little girls ( I don't care if she's built like Pamela Anderson, emotionally and chronologicaly she is a child!) You deserve more than losing the roof over your head when HE's the one who (morally AND criminally) flubbed up.

I know that you love him, that you're afraid of life without him but at the same time I feel that you also know that something is very wrong with the relationship aside from what he has done. You have given some of your personal power to this man and it is very obvious from your posts that you have personal power. Your optimism about your options really struck me. You are a survivor, and you will survive this too.

I'm thankful that Weaver is posting to you, she has gone through difficult times also and had to make hard decisions about her relationship also. Some things are not what they seem and it's always hard to deal with the fallout. I would like you to take the best care of you that you can right now, can you put yourself first? You have the right to very angry about what has happened, do not let him take this away from you!

He sounds like a charmer and I'm not being sarcastic here, more making an observation. He manipulates and twists you around because he CAN. I'm not trying to demonize him to you understand, but I hope you see the position you are in by giving up yourself, by giving in to what you know isn't right for you. I would like to see you feel strong and I know it's hard when the place you are laying your head is the backseat of your car.

I'm going to try to call out a friend of mine for you who I think will have much to offer you, I know you will like her. I am praying for your health and safety. KB

Dear GBM - I'm so glad you're pissed at him right now - as they say down here: RIDE THAT WAVE AS FAR AS IT'LL TAKE YOU, and go mail that letter. The longer you take, the harder it'll be.

Have you checked in at the YWCA??? They're there to help!

Love to you!
- Kimmy

If I was mad this morning, I am fuming right now. I just talked to one of his other students that has been very kind to me during this time. She informed me that the attention he gives this girl at his club is obvious and he continues to spend all of the night talking to her and ignoring his other students which is making the other students suspicious and angry as well. They all know me and they are starting to see what he is becomming.

I hate being this angry at him. I have the letter right next to me, I'm going to sign it, and I'm thinking about delivering it in person. I don't know where the man I knew and loved went but this person he's become is not him.

As to my housing situation, we were living with his parents so I have no rights to the house. After I informed his parents of what he was doing they no longer want to talk to me. I am not welcome there anymore. His student tells me that he's spent the last two months demonizing me to everyone we knew. He's telling everyone just how horrible I was for him and to him and making everyone feel sorry for him.

I can't take it anymore. I'm downloading a map of the girl's home and I'm going to call her dad right now. I wish it didn't have to come down to this. I hate feeling like the bad person.

I spent the day looking at apartments to possibly share with a roommate. I talked to the girl that I'm hoping will let me be her roommate and she is going to get back to me ASAP about the room. She knows my situation and is offering to let me stay there the night so I might just take her up on it.

Why did he have to do this??? He was the brightness to my days. I still wish I had never found out. I want so much to go over to his club tonight and do something. I wish there was something I could do to snap him out of this. I don't want him to hate me. I just want him back too much and I'm going to ruin him. Maybe it's just that I've only had crackers to eat today. I just don't understand why he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing. I need to find a lawyer. I wish I could talk to one right now. I keep thinking that I'll give him one last chance to snap out of it. I was stupid to think my being around was going to change anything.

He used to be so caring and loving. I'm feeling so vulnerable right now. I feel like I'm in quicksand and I can't get out of this mess. I want so much for him to want me back. The person I knew would never do this. I'm so upset. I feel like I'm about to fall back into the actions that I used to do. Stupid things are going through my mind like walking the streets as a prostitute to get money. I feel like my life is turning in that direction. I feel like I'm going to end up with a stranger tonight and I don't care what happens to me anymore. Once I let her parents know I don't have a life to go back to. Not that I have one now, but I still had hope and that hope is gone. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

GBM, please do these things....

1. Protect this young girl by telling her parents. Yes, sign the letter, yes, meet with them in person.

2. Protect yourself. You are in a physically and emotionally vulnerable place. Being homeless is DANGEROUS.

To do the second one, you're going to have to do something that's probably really difficult for you. You're going to have to accept some help.

Every human learns, sometime in their lives, that accepting help is both extremely difficult and incredibly worthwhile. I learned it when my world fell apart -- same as you're learning it when your world falls apart.

Go to your priest and explain your situation.

Find a shelter in your area -- look here as a start:

http://www.gtii.com/members/lannin/shelters/illinois.htm

http://4homeless.hypermart.net/soup_kitchens.html#illinois

Contact the Department of Human Services in your area. Here's the locator for them:

http://www.dhs.state.il.us/officeLocator/

(You want the Human Capital Development bunch.)

They also have a hotline: 1 800 843-6154

You DO NOT have to live on the streets during this time. Start looking for the resources that will help you protect yourself and begin to rebuild your life. No matter what happens to your husband, what happens to YOU in the next few weeks and months may well shape the rest of your life. Accept help. Open yourself to it -- and then go find it.

GBM,

I am amazed by your situation.

I want to post a quick, but, hopefully, thoughtful response based on what I've read so far.

I think Lady_In_Red understands your situation with great clarity.

WAT picked up on the thing that concerned me in the letter, the term EA. It's physical. If you've sent the letter, I hope that change made it in.

Next, your H is 100% responsible for giving this little girl mileage. The little girl is responsible for whatever part she had in it, but that is questionable, at best. Girls like it when older men take an interest in them. It's really very sad. The parents are also responsible in a small way...or maybe a big way. It's hard to tell. Whatever is the case, your H is the one that will take the fall.

The teacher you approached...if you sent him a letter or if you remember the contact, write that effort down, along with why you did it. You wanted to stop the abuse.

It is abuse. It's called incest. Incest doesn't have to be with someone who is a family member, but is also considered to be someone in a position of authority with an underling: adult/child, teacher/student, supervisor/employee. Incest takes advantage of anothers' weakness. This is your H's crime.

I can understand your dislike for the girl. L_I_R pinpointed my exact feelings toward girls who act that way. Being taken in by an older man is one thing, but having no respect for his marriage is another. It may seem that because she has allowed the relationship to go further, she has done this. I tend to agree. I can't imagine that I would have been taken in by a man that much older than I am, and his marriage would be a huge stop sign to me.

But I am not this girl. Perhaps she has also been abused and handles the abuse differently from what I would. Some act out, some become more reserved.

Next, if you are Catholic, I believe the Catholic church has a program to help with needs. Many churches do, but I did some research a while ago that was for a shelter for women from abusive husbands. You might check into that.

As for the friends and family having babies, those babies have first birthdays. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Maybe you can get them something in a year. I'm sure they would understand if you could not afford to buy something now.

Cut what you can and weigh out the rest. Some of it can be postponed.

As for your degree, you may be able to resume that when things settle down. Many schools are understanding of familial upsets. Have you seen your advisor? Don't give up.

Last I read, you were displaying a very good attitude about your situation. Yes, others have had it worse, but you are in a bad situation, so consider allowing yourself a little time to deal with it.

For housing, again, check with a church. Also, if necessary, I know a very giving group of people (one who sent me here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) who may be able to dig up some assistance for you. reginasymc@aol.com

Regina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe it's just that I've only had crackers to eat today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW, you mentioned getting cheap vitamins. Most breads are vitamin fortified. Try to get some protein in when you can and save any money you have from the vitamins. For instance, a pound of ground beef may cost you $2. Vitamins, $5. A pound of meat yields approximately 9 meals. You're already getting vitamins. Buy meat instead.

In addition, there are many programs available to make sure you don't starve. Get food stamps if necessary. Our local grocery has charity bags. Some places have a program where your income is not even considered. You just show up and get a bag of groceries. I'll have to dig that one up.

Just_J has brought up some good information that I hope you'll use. (I could sure use it in another corner of the web, J, thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Regina

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: ReginaSYMC ]</small>

GBM,

First, just for context, I'm a guy - in my 40's.

If I recieved such a letter re: my daughter, I would certainly call the police. My daughter would never go to that place again. And that would only be my first moment's response.

From your description of your husband, I can guess that he feels like a failure in life - and the attention of this child is feeding his ego. He ought to feed his own ego by getting a job, working, paying his way in life and supporting his family.

Do you value yourself?

I'm afraid that you don't know your own value.

Now is the time for firm, direct and unflinching action from you.

Your "husband" doesn't deserve the title. Living with his parents - at his age - while married - is a sign of his immaturity.

Still, you must send the letter - or, further, go to the police and contact whoever is in charge of these "classes".

I'm not sure what kind of classes they are - that have 15-year-olds and 25-year-olds together. Is he going to summer school to prepare to take the GED?

I would make the letter shorter and to the point.

"My H is having an affair with your daughter." is what you need to say. Also tell them that he doesn't really have a job and is good for nothing (just in case they might think he's good for her). The girl will deny and the parents may believe her, but you have started things in motion.

Then, divorce him. I rarely have advised that, but in this case, I do it without hesitation.

You are on the right track about getting yourself a job. Do it. Work hard. You don't need this loser - and you don't need to leap into the arms of any "savior" who comes along right now. Get yourself up on your own feet and you'll be in a position to find a man who will respect and value you - two or three years from now.

-AD

GBM -

Wondering how your night went, and what is going on with you today.

Let us know.


Weaver