GoodByeMe,

What does your H "teach"?

He does not have a HS Diploma.

He has a "club"...when I think of club, I think of night club...or those of the Lady Garden variety. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What exactly is he doing with teenagers that they are seen as his "students"?

He doesn't sound much like a man if he let his parents put you out...while he still remains there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But then again....I don't see why you would want to be with him in the first place. He is on the fast track to nowhere.

JMHO
committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know where the man I knew and loved went but this person he's become is not him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but it kinda sounds like he's ALWAYS been this person. You were 17 when you got together, right? You might've waited to get married, but it really sounds like he's got a "thing" for young'uns. I know, I know, he is a scant 2 years older, but still....

I hope you're better today, and I pray you've found a roommate!

- Kimmy

Thanks again guys. Last night was really tough. Today is shaping up to be a little better but then again it is a Thursday.

Stupid me, last night I couldn't get myself to go to her parents. I guess I'm still on the verge of denial. I sent him a text telling him that I couldn't take this anymore and that I wasn't going to keep it a secret any longer. He called me back and we got into a huge arguement over the phone. We both were yelling at each other, I was sobbing, he was denying being in a relationship with anyone. He started yelling that I have problems and that I need help towhich I said, I know, I'm getting help for my problems but he is the one who needs to seek help. I don't think he realizes that he is giving this girl his attentions. I think he's completely lost his mind.

Then I met with him after he got out of work. We met in a public place because he was scared of me. As if I could ever do anything. He basically told me that I continue to abuse him by sending threatening messages and that he can't live that way anymore. He says he's done with me and that I should just go back to TX. He said he and his family are fearful of me and they all feel betrayed. He said he thinks I get it from MY disfuctional family. I think his family is the disfuctional one here. He says his family feels betrayed because I exposed the A and when I told him I thought that was silly he told me that I just don't understand what a family is. Blah! He then tells me that I've always been very manipulative verbally and when I told him that I wanted things to work out between us and that I was really going to work on it if I had the chance he said I was just trying to manipulate him so I backed off and said I wasn't going to do anything he didn't want me to and we would do whatever he wanted to which he said I was still being manipulative so I just stopped talking alltogether. He then tells me that I'm probably the most amazing person he knows. And that about 90% of me is this amazing person but the other 10% is just this screwed up person that dealt all this abuse on him. I told him i was going to therapy to try and change that part of me but he said he didn't think it was going to help. He left me with a hug. Told me he'll always think of me as more than a friend, and that he still would like hugs from me. Hrmf! He also said he wished he could help me out but all he had was $7. but did he give me the $7? Of course not.

Then there is the thing about our supposed friend, his student. The one who told me that he was still giving the girl all the attention. She called me yesterday telling me that which set me off. She told me she is really happy that I'm back in town and that she thinks it's a good thing what I'm doing. She kept telling me that I'm not the one acting crazy here and that it was him who is having this innapropriate relationship and that nothing I have done deserves the way he is treating me. She also said she was going to give him a piece of her mind that night at work. When she came up when we were talking last night he was suprised to hear what I said she said because he says she pulled him aside last night to tell him that she thinks I have serious mental problems and that NONE OF IT WAS HIS FAULT! I don't know who to believe. According to him she told him basically the same thing she told me but backwards and in his favor. The only thing that stayed the same was that we should move on, forget about each other and get the divorce.

After all of that I was exhausted. I fell asleep in my car in the parking lot of my gym. I woke up at 4 am to find that my car wouldn't start. It did nothing so I thought maybe I accidentally left something on and the battery was dead. By this time it was getting cold so I sent him a message asking if I could possibly stay at their lakehouse until I got my place. He never responded so I called him because I didn't know who else to call to help me with my car. He told me he was asleep and too tired and didn't want to get up to come and help me. So he told me to call him back if I couldn't get a jump from someone. I ended up figuring out on my own that it was just that my battery wires had gotten loose and I just had to put them back on. But I didn't call him back.

I drove to my church and slept in the car there until about 7 am when I went to mass and tried to go to reconciliation but the priest said he didn't have time to discuss how reconciliation is supposed to go because I've never actually done it. I think he was more concerned that I was able to get all my other sacraments without ever actually going to reconcilation than with what was bothering me. But I ran into another priest outside who sat down and talked to me for a while. He told me to go back when the main office opened and they would help me there. In the mean time I went to my school which is across the street from my church and talked to the person in academic affairs to see what I could do about my dismissal. She was also very helpful but concerned because my appeal was supposed to be in by the 7th so she's not sure what they will be able to do for me. They are going to try and get me a retroactive withdrawal from the classes I had this past term because of my extenuating circumatances but if that doesn't work she said I might still be able to appeal. I guess they sent the letter to my house certified mail and someone there signed my name so they thought I had got the letter and knew about the deadline. Of course H never told me about the deadline. Then I checked my e-mail at school and got some e-mails from my professors who I had e-mailed about the situation 2 months ago and they too were very supportive. Then I went back to the church and spoke to a woman there about my situation. She is going to help me out with my job search, gave me $40. in food certificates and a $10. gas voucher for my car. Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet with someone else there from the St. Vincent dePaul Society and they may be able to help me out with my housing situation. In the mean time the recommended that I use the money I was saving for an apartment to stay at an inexpensive hotel for a few days.

I also have an apointment today to meet with someone about another roommate possibility. H has called 4 times today but I haven't answered his calls. He told me last night that he just didn't want me to hurt him anymore and like always I melted with every word he said and agreed not to. Which makes it even harder to tell this girl's parents. I'm not looking forward to doing it. It really breaks my heart to harm him and I'm scared that he's told everyone that I'm some psycho person not to be trusted and that they will think I'm some kind of stalker if I show up at their house to tell them. I'm going to try and do this today.

Anyhow, that's how my day is going. I'm exhausted, just completely drained. H says he's going to look for a lawyer about a DV. He said he never once mentioned ever getting a DV but after the attack on him last night he has no other choice. Just as a note, he also said that since the day he hit his head on the stearing wheel in frustration over the way I was acting he hasn't been able to cry or have any real emotions. He says I've hurt him so much and nothing is ever going to repair that. I'm so sick of this. After my stuff is out of his parent's house I'm going to have to have NC with him. I want off of this roller coaster. I need to ween myself from wanting to be with him.

What do you know, another call from him. I hope he thinks I'm stranded somewhere with a broken car. It sure seems like he doesn't care about my safty anyhow.

On a funny note: I was hit on by a guy trying to rent me an apartment. He even asked if he could call me and if I liked to play pool. It was flattering. He was actually pretty good looking too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Not like all the short/fat/slimey guys back in TX that were asking me out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to try and do this today.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just do it. Send the letter and let it fly.

As for the things he says about how manipulative you are, I think this is HIM manipulating you. I think you are seeing it, but need some outside reinforcement, confirmation that you are viewing it correctly.

From what I read here, your H is very abusive. BTW, when he hit his head on the steering wheel, HE his is head, not you. I'm almost surprised he didn't try to blame the steering wheel.

The friend sounds like a vulture, hovering over your broken marriage like carrion. Get away from her, too.

I'm so glad that some from your church are offering help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That was really great news!

Regina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure what kind of classes they are - that have 15-year-olds and 25-year-olds together. Is he going to summer school to prepare to take the GED?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I read wrong, but I thought she said he is a fencing instructor.

Regina

{{{{GBM}}}}

GBM, sounds like you’re getting some good things done. Your food sitch looks good for right now, eat right!!! Very important that you keep your head on straight right now and good, healthy food will help. I know you don’t have kitchen facilities at the moment so your choices will be more limited. Regina has some great ideas on the nutrition on the run thing, I’m sure.

The H of yours is some piece of work is all I can say. Don’t be telling him of your plans! Have you made the change in the letter regarding the EA vs PA? Kissing is PA and besides every single one of us WS said the EXACT SAME THING: we "only" kissed and hugged. I’m sorry, but it is on the first page of the WS playbook. Deny, deny, deny. We all did it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You must deal with the exposure of the A to the girls’ parents. It is your moral obligation because she is a minor child. You do not want to look back years later with regret for allowing a shameful deed to continue because you kept your mouth shut. Just do it. Do it TODAY.

Don't forget to include that email she sent your H. Can you get more? You need the proof b/c it sounds like your H has been heading you off at the pass by setting you up to everyone as some crazy, abusing person and really, who is going to listen to one of those?

Keep your plans secret!! Even if you were a nutcase and I’m not saying you are, HE still screwed with a minor child and that must to be exposed. Personally, I think he must not be the sharpest tool in the shed.

He knows now that you are intending to expose him, he just doesn’t exactly know how, so why is he withholding financial help (geeze, the boy lives with his parents), and being unhelpful with the car, and verbally nasty with you? If he were smart, he’d be kissing you’re a** to get you to back down from exposure and then later after things have calmed down, moving to hustle you right back out of town.

I think he knows that it won’t take much to get you back into the fold with him, but I don’t think he’s figured out that he needs to do that in order to save his skin. Good thing he hasn’t actually, but like I said he’s not the sharpest tool.

You on the other hand GBM, are anything but dumb. You are in a bad situation not entirely of your own making and also in a major Fog of your own re your H, but other than that you sound like a resourceful young lady. This will serve you well in life but you must get yourself through this rough patch before anything goes seriously wrong. Get off the streets as quickly as you can. I know you feel alone and in need of comfort but do not give in to any “good looking” nice guys who hit on you.

You may not realize it but some men can “smell” fear and you are in a needy, fearful situation. You’ve already been taken advantage of by your H, don’t let some stranger do the same. Just J said that your life can change drastically from just being on the streets temporarily and she is right. Tread carefully!

Babygirl, for someone who doesn’t have a plate to her name right now, you sure do have a lot on it! One step at a time, alright? I know that you feel ALL ALONE and SCARED and who wouldn’t be in your shoes, but you have many, many people concerned for you here. Many of these people are Christians and are sending prayers for your welfare. Many more read than reply so take heart.

Get your letter in order, in terms of that important detail: PA, NOT EA!!!! Do not reveal anything to your H, he is untrustworthy. Get off the streets as quickly as you can. Do not talk to strange men, no matter how “nice” and “good looking” they may seem. You don’t need any more problems at this point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You mentioned being in contact with your family. What do they say about all this? Are they able to help you financially?

You are young still, GBM and this time in your life is pretty darn crappy. The choices you make now will determine the rest of your life. Choose wisely. Be safe. KB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regina has some great ideas on the nutrition on the run thing, I’m sure. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to give it some thought.

What's coming to mind now is expensive stuff and protein energy bars, as they have carbs too.

Regina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ReginaSYMC:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure what kind of classes they are - that have 15-year-olds and 25-year-olds together. Is he going to summer school to prepare to take the GED?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I read wrong, but I thought she said he is a fencing instructor.

Regina </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, that's right. He works for some park districts in the area and they are very strict and want to keep thier names clean.

The day is going pretty well today. I went to see another apartment/roommate option today and my gosh the place was gorgeous! I would have the choice between the larger room or the smaller but even if I got the smaller room it is soooo much bigger than the little room I was living in with H and 100% better than staying in a car. There's a girl currently living in the smaller room but she might want to move into the larger room when the other girl moves out. Either way, the girl trying to rent the place says that if the girl stays with the small room, she will pay the rent for anything that goes over my budget. I just hope my credit is good enough to get in. I've had a few late payments since all of this started and I'm hesitant to pay $50 for the application fee and not end up getting the place.

I think I'm going to take the advice of the lady at church and book a room for the next 3 days. I found some pretty cheap on hotwire (like $32 a night or even $39 with a kitchenette). I'll probably go with the cheaper one even though it is farther away and has less amenities. All I need is a place to sleep really.

In about half an hour I'm going to meet with my advisor in school to try and work out how to get me back in. I don't know if I posted before but he thinks there may be a chance I can get a retroactive withdrawal so that none of the grades I got last term would count and I wouldn't be dismissed. That would be so great but I'm not getting my hopes up. Even if that doesn't work I can still try to appeal. Either way, still good news.

As to H. Well, he's called me about 5 times today but I didn't answer. I didn't want him to ruin my groove I'm into today. He sent me two txts asking if I was okay and where was I. He's probably thinking I'm around his shoulder somewhere spying on him. I have one more meeting today with a potential roommate that I'm looking forward to. I saw the complex yesterday and I really liked it but I really didn't have anyone to room with me so being that she's already there things might be good.

Hopefully my parents will be able to wire me some money in the next few days. I'm trying my hardest not to spend anything. I can't wait to have a kitchen so I can have pasta again. (Vegitarian here so no beef jerky to fill the tummy) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Should I even bother talking to H today or tomorrow or should I let his mind wander or worry about me and where I am in relation to him? He only makes me feel worse and I'm doing pretty good today. I can't wait to sleep in a bed tonight!

Tomorrow I'm going to go and apply everywhere I can. I got some good leads on some jobs available at a Holiday Inn near here from the church. I can't believe how helpful people are being. I guess I got used to having no help from H and when I got it always feeling bad for having to ask.

Well, I talked to my mom and she said to go ahead with the hotel with the kitchenette so I did and guess what? It's ended up being the same hotel I stayed in D-day! I thought that was appropriate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, H keeps calling. Left a voice message the last time he called saying he was really sorry for not helping me out last night with my car. He said he had just gone to sleep like half an hour before called. He says it didn't even occur to him how stupid it was of him to not have come to help and he wants to know how I am. Too bad. I'm having too much fun today. I'm going to make myself that pasta and enjoy the night watching kung fu movies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Off topic: That guy from the apartment complex called me. He got my number from my info card. That's kind of creepy. It makes you wonder how many people he's hooked up with that were checking out apartments. I don't think they are supposed to do that kind of thing.

Anyway, on my way to buy some pasta pasta pasta. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Check into my nice room. Fill out some applications and go see that other room tonight. I got a call from the girl who I was originally room with but I guess that didn't work out. That's okay though. I'm just going to relax and watch my NoHoHon tonight.

GBM -

Good for you, you sound very goal orientated today! Don't forget about the exposure letter to the girls parents though. You really need to do that.

As for guys being interested in you, you can't date until you are divorced. I'm sure you know that, but that would just cause unnecessary pain for all involved. And it would be a real setback for your self esteem.

I'm glad, as are probably alot of others on this board, that you have a place to stay for a few days and some possible job oppertunities.

Hang in there GBM and keep letting us know.

P.S. No I don't think you should talk to WH if it can be avoided. You are feeling good now but one wrong remark from him and your emotions spiral downward. And in your present sitch that is bad.

God bless,

Weaver

Hooray for you! Get a good nights rest on your full tummy and you'll feel a lot better. I feel a lot better knowing you're not sleeping in the car!!

Weird about the apt. guy, hope you didn't leave the door open to him or anything. Remember, no more complications! Keep everything as simple as you can. How about that letter? I know you don't want to do this and you probably feel nagged but hey, it needs to be done.

If it were me, I'd give H a courtesy call just to let him know you are ok, a message would be perfect if you can swing it. I'd avoid any protracted conversations with him at this point. You need time to adjust to this situation.

Now is not the time to be manipulated into protecting him from the consequences of his actions. The man needs a wake up call, big time. You are under no obligation to protect him by keeping silent as much as he will try to convince you not to tell.

He did not protect you by getting involved with a minor, now did he? He did not protect you when you found out your car wouldn't start in the night and he KNEW you were sleeping in it! Yes, he apologized but what if some creep had shown up in the middle of the night and you couldn't drive away?

He's definetly not protecting you, why do you protect him? He lives with Mom and Dad anyway so if he loses his jobs because of this, he won't be hungry and homeless like you have been for the last two days. Geeze.

You may think you'd be happy if this whole thing just dissappeared but it can't, even if you both pretend it did. You need to put your chin up and deal with it. Protect yourself and in the process protect the minor. Don't put this off, please.

Nag, nag, nag, you can do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> We're rooting for you.

Hang in there GBM, enjoy your delicious dinner and comfy bed! And keep posting as you can, we worry about you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

Now these are good big huge useful steps. Roof and food are definitely most important. Next are job and school and PROTECTING THAT GIRL. Not necessarily in that order.

Send a SHORT txt to your husband: "I'm safe. Found help. Will contact you in a few days. Very busy right now."

Then just focus on getting yourself safe and protected, and that girl, too.

One last thing. Pasta is cheap and filling, but it is NOT nutritionally balanced. Here are a couple of simple alternatives to start with:

- Beans and brown rice
- Veggie and cheese omelettes

If you've got any of that food money left, buy things in this order:

- Dried beans
- Brown rice
- Milk
- Onions
- Bananas
- Cheese
- Eggs
- Bread
- Fruit
- Frozen veggies
- Oatmeal

It may not be all that tasty, but it's got all the basic nutrition that you need. Focus on that right now; you can have tasty in a couple of weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Two more thoughts, now that I've slept on your situation. First off, if your husband has had any intimate contact with this girl, he is wreaking havoc in her life. At this level, it's not about your marriage. It's about protecting a child who is being molested. As someone else mentioned on this thread, if I knew who you are, who your husband is, and who this child and her parents are, I would simply take the relevant information from this thread and send it to her parents and the authorities.

NOT because I want to get you in trouble. But because there is a child who, though she doesn't realize it, is in deep trouble.

That, at its heart, is what exposure is all about. Would I like doing it? Not particularly, no. But I would do it. There is much more at stake than my personal comfort levels.

And if you want to have that happen, all you have to do is send all of the relevant information (names, addresses, and phone numbers) to me at the address in my signature line.

Alternatively, you could ask your church to give you some support while you do it yourself, or someone else that you trust.

And on a completely separate line of thought, you should also buy tomato sauce, sugar, salt, and garlic powder. They'll makes the beans much more palatable.

GBM - I was vegan till I got pg with dd. I was also super frugal - I've got a few super veggie/rice recipes. Also, since you're not getting complex protiens from meat, you can get them from having rice and beans (brown rice, of course). The two together = a meat.

Don't forget peanut butter/nuts!

Creepy apt. dude!!!! That weirds me out, too. Remember that if you live there, that guy will have a key to your place....

MAIL THE LETTER!

And don't talk to dh. He just brings you down and hurts you more. He is ***trying*** to manipulate you. DON'T LET HIM! He's scared of you - he's scared you're gonna blow his secret. That's the ONLY reason he's contacting you.

(((Hugs))) I hope you slept well last night! Yea for your mom!

- Kimmy

Yesterday was going so well. I wish I had access to the internet last night. I really screwed up. I hardly remember doing it but I know I did and I'm scared now. I reverted to the old me. I didn't care anymore. I just kept hearing H say there will never be anything between us anymore. How could I be so stupid? I always ruin everything. Broke down in the middle of it all. Remembered last time I was with H when he told me it felt like we we're doing something wrong. I can't tell anyone about this. It's too shameful. I don't deserve all the help and support I've gotten. What happened last night proves it. I'm so scared. I didn't even know the person and what I saw of him I couldn't stand. Why am I so stupid? It was as if I wasn't even there. Now I really am everything he said I was. I feel so dirty. I've just risked everything for nothing. I tried to say no but nothing came out of my mouth. I said nothing, I let it happen. I can't face anyone anymore. I listened to H's messages that I've saved on my phone. His first two were before I came back up here in his sweet tone that makes me calm just to hear it. Then there was an angry one where he accused me of cheating on him years ago in a tone I've never heard from him. Now I really am that horrible person. I wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to, but once again the words refused to come out. It stopped only when I couldn't keep my tears in. I just broke down. Why did I allow this to happen? I don't even know if any protection was used. I never looked. I never said a word. I stopped using the pill when H left because I couldn't afford it. What am I going to do? I was so lucky in the past not to catch anything in my wild days. I'm so afraid my luck is gone. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone. I don't know what to do now. I went to church this morning and felt like I shouldn't be there. I don't think I can come here anymore. You all have helped me so much and once again I have failed everyone. I've failed myself. I've failed my M. I'm so scared. I don't even want to write this here now but I have no one else to tell this to. I'm a horrible W and a horrible person. I hate myself for who I am and what I've done.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: GoodByeMe ]</small>

Calm down honey. You are always welcomed here. Life is not a perfect road. You've seen the bumps and roller coaster rides.

Now, tell us what happened. This is a safe place to put your feelings.

I have to step out for a while but will be back. We will post to each other here later ok?

Hugz,
L.

you are NOT a horrible person!!!!!!!

I agree with our Orchid flower.

Nothing you've done is unforgivable - by us or by God. You've certainly not betrayed US - we of all people understand how fallible humans are!

(((((((MUCHO GRANDE HUGS)))))))

- Kimmy

I was doing so well. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wish I could have been here. Instead I slept with the first person who came along. I can't believe I let this happen. After all my talk about staying faithful. I'm just a big hipocrit. I let this person in. I was exhausted and drained after yesterday and I just let it happen. He was all over me. He was a sarcastic jerk. I couldn't stand being around him but I let him do what he wanted. I hardly moved, I said nothing. He stopped when he saw me crying. I've lost what little self respect I had left.

Hey GBM -

I have a feeling what you are talking about is that you had SF with someone last night, probably that apartment manager. I also have a feeling that the reason you couldn't say no and stop it from happening has to do with your sexual abuse as a child. You went back to that place in your mind you went to as a child, the helpless victim.
Am I right. Don't let yourself be in vulnerable positions anymore. You are not yet strong enough to turn down sexual advances.

I wish we could get Stunned Dad over here and see if his wife would talk to you.

I know you said you were in counseling before but not now. I hope that you find some knowlegeble, caring & supportive people where you are now.

Weaver