I want to apoligize to everyone here. I'm so sorry. I have so much to do today and I don't want to move.

You are right Weaver. That's exactly what happened but it's not a good excuse. I should have known better. There was no fullfillment on my part. I hated it. I kept thinking it should me H there with me. I wanted it to be him.

In my head I hear my HS theme song over in over again. That song from Oklahoma "I'm just a girl who cain't say no".

This is not who I want to be anymore. I thought I had changed but I guess I haven't.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: GoodByeMe ]</small>

Oh sweetie, you don't need to beat yourself up!! {{{{GBM!!!}}}} So stop, ok? THIS DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON!!!! You are not a bad person b/c you had sex with a creep, I think most of us have been there and done that.

You are only twenty five years old, my God what makes you think some of us "oldies" haven't done the very same things you have? And guess what? Life goes on. My H used to call me a wild child, (well, okay he still does sometimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) but I'm also a respectable mom of four children who happened to have made some unwise sexual choices in the past.

STOP calling yourself names and for God's sake stop thinking your H is the end all in knowing who and what you are. He's be the last person to have the discernment to judge you anyway.

You are alone and scared and you tried to make yourself feel better, that's understandable. I don't at all think you set out for sex but just to have someone to talk to, to listen to you. The dude took advantage of you, do you remember what I said about men "smelling" fear? YOU ARE SO VULNERABLE AND HE KNEW THAT.

It didn't work out of course, but it's over now. My heart is breaking for you b/c I know just how you feel. I could post on and on to you but want to end this just to get the response out to you. Please don't stop posting, we are very concerned for your welfare. {{{{{GBM}}}}} It will be okay GBM, relax, don't be so hard on your self.

It's a hard enough world out there and there are alot of factors in what happened that you do not understand yet. Stay with us, Sweetie, don't stop posting whatever you do. KB

GoodByeMe,

IMHO, you need more help than this board can offer. You have been unfaithful throughout your marriage...he has been unfaithful...he is being criminal in his actions...you are aiding and abetting said criminal actions...you are hooking up with complete strangers now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You need help...in a BAD way.

Please get yourself some real help and therapy. I am afraid that you are looking for it here...instead of getting it in real life.


committed

CALI, She has ONLY been married since October of 2003 and has been homeless for the last two days. This is an extraordinary situation. This really isn't about unfaithfulness alone. No one is saying she doesn't need to deal with responsiblity here, but come on, ONE THING AT A TIME OK?

Yes, she needs help and she had IC in her home state but she is not there now. Additionally, when she is not able to even buy proper food b/c she needs to save the cash she has for a roof over her head, therapy is a luxury she cannot afford. She needs further help, but until she can get home to her family in TX, we are what she has. Let's not get so into the infidelity thing that we fail someone, ok? She does not need a 2 x 4 from us, she's whacking herself enough as it is. KB

Whew. Boy oh boy, sweetie, you've got troubles.

I'm guessing you feel completely and utterly unclean right now. One of those unclean feelings that you can't get rid of no matter how many baths you take.

It's gonna be tough for you for a few days. You messed up, it's true. We will not judge you for it. Most everyone here has messed up in one way or another.

The person you've hurt the most in this mess-up is not us -- it's you. And I know you know that.

So what can we do for you? If you would like to talk offline, my e-mail address is in my signature line. I live far away from you so there may not be a lot I can do.

Here are a couple of things that I would ask you to do.

First off, please, put the letter to this girl's parents in the mail. She's being abused about the same way as you are -- and were. Please take this one step to help her. I've found that in the hardest parts of my life, the things I did to help others were the things that helped me heal the most.

Secondly, please consider finding a rape crisis and counselling center. Were you raped? I dunno. Were you traumatized? Yes. And it has reawoken a lot of other trauma. You're going to need someone who's been there to help you deal with it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by knewbetter:
<strong> CALI, She has ONLY been married since October of 2003 and has been homeless for the last two days. This is an extraordinary situation. This really isn't about unfaithfulness alone. No one is saying she doesn't need to deal with responsiblity here, but come on, ONE THING AT A TIME OK?

Yes, she needs help and she had IC in her home state but she is not there now. Additionally, when she is not able to even buy proper food b/c she needs to save the cash she has for a roof over her head, therapy is a luxury she cannot afford. She needs further help, but until she can get home to her family in TX, we are what she has. Let's not get so into the infidelity thing that we fail someone, ok? She does not need a 2 x 4 from us, she's whacking herself enough as it is. KB </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not hung up on the infidelity thing. I am concerned that she will think that this board is a replacement for true help. I was simply pointing out behaviors that CANNOT be addressed on a forum...even an anonymous one such as this.

I don't see where I "whacked" her. It doesn't appear that she is trying to get back to her hometown (where her IC is) since she is looking for housing there...or am I mistaken?

I don't even see where I could have failed her to point out that she needs MORE than the board has to offer....IN MY HUMBLE OPINION.

Respectfully,
committed

Knewbetter - I'm glad you posted that, I couldn't figure out what to say. You are really good conveying your thoughts, you know.

JustJ - Your a really nice person you know that, everyone needs a friend like you & I am glad you are here trying to be helpful and supportive to GBM.

GBM - you're a lucky girl to have these fine people to talk to. So keep talking and plugging away, that is all any of us can do really.

Thank you guys for not beating me up with this. I am so glad that I have you for some support right now. Right now this is the only place I can turn to.

I feel so sick right now. It still doesn't seem like this happened. I can't believe that I'm the one who commited adultery now. It's just so wrong.

I'm trying not to think about it and get the things I need to do done like meeting with the people from church and sending in applications for jobs and an apartment. All day long I've felt like throwing up and every few minutes I get this wave of fear. I'm so tired and I haven't been back to the hotel to eat today. I just don't want to be there today but I have to go there next to eat and get some information for my applications. I'm supposed to hear if I got the apartment later today. Something tells me that my credit is going to keep me out of there.

I'm so tired. I don't have any emotion left. I can't cry anymore. All I feel is sickness and tiredness. I just feel sore all over. I'm just really dissappointed in myself. I let this happen. It was my fault. I invited it and couldn't stop it when I should have.

For everybody's knowledge, I came here to the library so I could print a new copy of the letter, with the EA changed to an A and to print the e-mail without his address blocked.

I feel like I don't have the right to send it now but I will anyway.

I married a self absorbed man who thinks he's a child. Even if I'm not perfect by any sense of the word, I can't protect him just because of the guilt I'm feeling now.

I am going to start therapy as soon as I get settled in. The school has offered to let me see the counselors here but they are gone for the summer so just for the mean time I have to try and do things on my own. I know this isn't a substitute for a professional but at least for the next few weeks it's all I have. I know you weren't trying to sound mean in your post. I appriciate your concern.

As for my food situation. I bought some soy products to go with my pasta, cheese and beans as well as milk. This should hold me over for a while

GBM, good about the letter. It is a step that will make you feel surprisingly better. It is about taking some control over your life back in a way. Doing the RIGHT thing is something you will never regret.

I have to second Just J's suggestion that you contact a rape crisis center. You can call and talk to a counselor over the phone, have sometone to talk to about your confusion. Your disconnect from the whole event is very common in coercion episodes.

I don't want to suggest anything to you about what happened but as one of the few women on this board who has admitted to being raped and because I know the myths and facts surrounding the issue (AND understands the feelings after <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ), I urge you to at least talk it over with someone from a crisis center. They can help you sort through things. They are the most compassionate people, GBM.

After you take care of the letter, please call, they will be in the front of the phone book or information can get you the closest center. I really think you need to talk to a live person about this. I will post my email if you want to talk privately. KB

I know the feelings all to well already. I was raped when I was 18. It was the last time I was able to say no and to stop and it didn't work. I don't know, maybe that's why I just don't bother anymore. I feel like a floozy and not worthy of someone good. I guess that's all part of it too.

Sorry Committed, I didn't mean to inadvertently whack you, my sincere apologies! I feel protective here, she's so far from her home and she could be any one of our daughters.

Of course you pointed out something obvious. I just wanted to clarify that her options are severely limited at the moment and "Mommy" here, was typing away emotionally. I didn't mean to blast you, I'm so sorry it came off that way. KB

GB,

I am inbetween crisis (the house moving kind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) but not as serious as yours so here are a few of my minutes.

1. You made a mistake and now it is emphasized that SF is not the same as love. You see the difference, your H does not. Therein lies where the lesson show they are learned. You can show by you now and future actions that you have learned. Your next SF will be w/love, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2. Get with the counseling. Chances are those counselors can help in many ways. If they can't, then they shouldn't be counselors.

3. Cali is right, this board has it's limits. But you can vent as post as much as you need. In other words, we can't fix it for you but give you virtual support. In some cases maybe a bit more. I know I helped a couple of MBers out here in CA. Others have helped in other ways.

4. Check out the women's shelter in your area. Your H's actions even with the apologies are not enough. You need to be in a safer environment. Lots of wolves out there walking around with 2 legs (or even 1 leg) and a few in skirts (well.... don't go there visually - it might get freaky looking) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Check out your options for counseling and housing. Maybe even supplemental support. Every big city should have one.

5. Keep communication with your H down to a minimum. The less you communicate, the more you inform him that you are NOT the nut, he is.

6. Notify the girl's parents. Let them know that his friendship with their daughter has been noticed by other students as well as yourself. Their relationship has now rendered you homeless by your H's choice. Plain and simple. Of course if they want to enable it, that is their choice. You just thought a parent would want to know what their daughter is acting like out of their view.

I want you to know that despite all the negatives, I am quite proud of you. Yes, there were some shortcomings. But you are here learning and will survive this mess.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. The next pair of pants that come by, had better be nice or there are a lot of MB parents, willing to have a loooong chat about his manners and how he treats a lady. You can even let them know that some of your friends are in law-enforcement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid.

I took a long nap today. I am feeling a little better about my housing/food situation after talking with the people from church today. They offered to pay for an additional week at my hotel if I need it. They've also pointed me in the right direction to seek legal advice and to get in contact with an organiztion that can help me out with my rent and utilities once I find an apartment. I haven't gotten a call back about that yet but they said they would get back to me by this weekend.

I sent H a text telling him what someone said to write here. I told him I was okay and I found help and that I would contact him in a few days. He hasn't called since yesterday afternoon.

Right now I'm trying to keep myself from thinking about last night. I really wanted the next time I was with someone to be special and I told my self that before that, I would have to date the person for a while until I knew there were real feelings there. I'm so worried about things now. I don't know what this guy's sexual history is. I'm afraid of getting an STD and getting pregnant. It's not something I can handle right now but there's really nothing I can do about it at this moment.

(((((GBM)))))

That's a hug.

You're getting some good advice here, so please stick with us... I'm so glad that you are starting to get some practical help...

I think you should take the advice and contact a rape-counselling center - they could not only provide you with counselling to talk about last night, but also with the practical things you need to set your mind at ease...you may be able to get tested for STD's... also...at the risk of offending anyone here, they may be able to provide you with a morning-after pill...however, that has to be taken within 48 hours, I believe...I once had to do that...it's just a thought...

I think you are doing well...and I agree, you should keep your contact with your H to nil, if possible. If he is going to accuse you of "stalking", don't give him any ammunition, and the more you have NC with him, the better you feel about yourself. You need to stay as strong as you can right now...

Keep your chin up, you have people on your side....

LIR

Thank you for the advice. I am going to make an appointment with planned parenthood tomorrow to see what can be done. I don't think I'm ready to talk about what happened with anyone. It's one thing typing it and another having to say it. Even when I was raped years ago I couldn't find the courage to report it. The only people I told were H (then bf) and my GYN when I went to get tested. I don't know about calling a crisis center. I wasn't raped. I never let the guy know I didn't want to. It was my fault.

It's hard going through this without H. I always turned to him when I needed support. He's totally changed. I can't tell him anything because I know he'll use it against me if DV comes up. Besides, I can't talk to him anyway without getting emotionally beat up. I don't want to know the things he'd say if he found out about this.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: GoodByeMe ]</small>

library closing... tonight I will lock myself in my room and let no one enter. I'll be back tomorrow sometime.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like a floozy and not worthy of someone good. I guess that's all part of it too.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen up, sweetie, it was a mistake--one you regret.

God says, "My grace is sufficient for you." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jesus is also praying for you, always.

If you know the Lord, you are clean, and you need not remember it anymore (except to step around it next time).

I make mistakes, continually. I have regrets nearly everyday. But I can get up each day because "His mercies are new every morning."

Not every person is merciful, but we are all in the same quandary, so who is to judge your worth?

You are trying to do good things with your life. In a little while, your mistake will be a bad memory.

But, as someone else said, it doesn't mean that that is who you are. You are a young woman caught in an unbelievable situation. You must feel like you are drowning and you probably are adding to the problems.

When you realize that the water isn't that deep (as in God is lifting you up) and you put your feet down, you'll stop inhaling your own waves.

So, refocus on a true lifeline. What can help you feel good besides being with a man? Talking to a friend on the phone? Dreamily planning your future?

These are also good distractions. You will probably have grief over the situation that you MUST deal with, but allow yourself a break too.

As far as who you are and what you deserve: you are no less a person than anyone here. You deserve no more or less than anyone here.

You deserve compassion and understanding. You deserve support and friendship. You deserve a future and hope.

The very hurt little girl and young woman that you have been and are can be whole again.

Where do you think you can start to achieve that?

Regina

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: ReginaSYMC ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Besides, I can't talk to him anyway without getting emotionally beat up. I don't want to know the things he'd say if he found out about this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand that, but GBM, he has NOTHING on you. Even if he did know about your indiscretion, his is the same (at least) AND illegal AND disruptive to the life of a minor.

Please do let us know when you've sent the letter to her parents.

Regina