Please remember this, write it down, keep it with you and read it over and over if you must...


The Truth Is

No matter what
anyone says or does,
I am..
Okay
Worthy
Lovable
Attractive
Important
Intelligent & Good Enough
I am a good person, and I deserve to be
Happy, Healthy and Successful!

GBM - You are getting a lot done, though I'm sure it's feeling absolutely awful to you. You are learning where to go for help -- and learning how to accept help. And you are not forgetting how important it is to be able to get back to a place where you're self-sufficient. Those are all really good things.

You said that you haven't been able to tell anyone about this situation, and that you haven't been able to tell anyone about the rape when you were 18. That does not surprise me. You're caught in the shame of someone else's actions -- and you're caught in the shame of your own actions as well.

Those actions don't go away because you don't talk about them, those. They get bigger. They have more power over you because you try to hide them. I know that you already know this -- and maybe you're trying to forget that, too.

So go to the Planned Parenthood folks and tell them what happened to you. Accept that they will probably react about the way we are. Sad for you, wanting to help you, and understanding that you've made mistakes and regret them.

Will every person react this way? No, of course not. I live a life that could lead to much judgment and negativity from others. I get that sometimes, too. Maybe 1 in 100 people treats me badly because of it.

I do not let that stop me from speaking out about my life, my world, and (when I needed it) the help I desperately had to have.

Please don't let your fear stop you from doing what you know is right. Put the letter -- with the e-mail about the first kiss -- in the mail. Send it as a gift. Not for yourself, not for your husband. but when you put it in the mailbox, send it with the light-hearted good wishes of a gift to the girl who, maybe, won't have to live what you've lived because you're sending it.

You were raped at 18 -- don't you think maybe she's headed for that same place? Maybe your letter can change her life for the better in the long run. It may get her grounded, but so what? That's what kids need when they're out of control and need to remember their boundaries. And if it prevents a rape or more molestation.... then god speed to that letter.

Weaver -- Thanks for the compliment. I read your stuff when I'm here. Keep up the good wor.

You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE for free, confidential counseling, 24/7. Or you can contact a local center directly. To look up a local center, go to the RAINN web page.

Today I went to planned parenthood and purchased the morning after pill. I felt so bad when I had to tell them that I had no address and that my previous address was with my H who basically threw me out on the streets. I'm sure they probably thought I was the one who screwed up the M but at least that's taken care of. I'm still scared about the possiblility of STDs.

I haven't heard from the apartment place. I hope that goes well.

I'm still so tired, sore and sick to my stomach. I'm guessing it's the stress from this all.

Instead of calling H like I've felt like doing every once and a while I write a letter to him that I will probably never send. I want to tell him that I don't want any contact with him anymore but I realize that's my way of trying to contact him since I haven't talked to him since Wednesday so I won't do that. Even an e-mail will open myself up to manipulation of him.

Anyway, the library closes early today so I'm thinking of going to the movies since I have a gift card that was given to him for Christmas this year. At least it will get my mind off of things and keep me out of trouble.

Hi GBM, I'm not usually able to be here on Saturdays but I did want to pop in and check on you. I have the utmost respect for the women posting to you, they have helped me a great deal with some of my own situations.

I was thinking that if you printed out this thread, you'd be able to have it to refer to when you are feeling down. Every little bit helps!

I understand what you are saying about talking about "it" as opposed to typing. There is a difference. I couldn't get throught two minutes of my first call to the crisis center without breaking down and I didn't have the courage to make that call until well over a year after the fact. I'm glad I did call though, it was a great comfort to me.

The RAINN website that Just J refered you to also has a message board, from which I am providing this link which is in the public portion of the forum: From the Courage to Heal Workbook
What fascinating about this thread (it's long, 7 pgs) is that it is survivors are posting their own reasons for taking blame on themselves and reasons why they should not.

You are not alone in your perceptions of the past and the present and this thread may help you to change the perceptions you have about yourself. I don't want you to beat yourself up any more and I hope this helps you.

I'm sorry you have to look at this in the library, it's not the best place if you get triggered but overall I think it will be worth your time. Page 7 may be interesting to you, I think I've heard you say some of those things yourself. I'm going to do the excerise myself soon, you've kind of motivated me to exaimine myself a little closer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

FYI, I didn't/couldn't say no either but that still doesn't make what happened my fault. Saying no when you know it isn't going to make any difference anyway (as in you don't count, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, he's in his own world) only ends up making you feel like even more of a victim. If you don't say anything at all you can pretend all kinds of things about it. Unfortunately it also leads to a lot of self blame. Do you see what I'm saying? I'd like to see you break the cycle. You are a special person GBM, you have the potential to take control of your life back and heal from this crazy time. We'll help you through as much as we can and it sounds like the practicalities are being taken care of.

Anyway, doing right will help you feel better overall so here's the nagging part, what's up with the letter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hope to hear from you on Monday. Take good care, ok? KB

thank you for that link KB. It really did stir up a lot of the feelings I've been having. I haven't been able to go through it all but I read the first and last page. I hope that I too can post there soon. It even reminded me of the first time I was with H. We had just met and he forced me to do things I didn't want to. I said no but I did it anyway. After repeating that I didn't want to do that with him after the fact he broke down in tears and I comforted him. How backward is that? Why did I feel I had to comfort him after he hurt me? I did this again when I found out about he and this girl. The day he was to tell her NC he had a panic attack and I comforted through it even though all he was thinking about was not being able to be with her.

I always thought he was a nice person but looking back I realize that he's no better than any of the other abusers I've known. I hate to say this but I think I'm ready to move on. I want to meet a nice person who treats me right and who really cares for me, not someone who says they care and leaves me to sleep on the streets. I know I won't be able to find this person until I break this cycle of abuse by seeking help and getting a DV. I really didn't want it to come to this but I really do believe my R with H has added to the loss of self-respect I have now.

I don't want to be alone but right now that's probably the best thing for me (at least in the R aspect of life).

It is making me realize that this girl is in trouble and I will stop this from going any further. I am also going to seek legal advice on what I should do.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: GoodByeMe ]</small>

GBM,

It is necessary to mention something that has been hinted at in these posts but not said directly. Your H could very well become violent once the letter is sent. Please do send it, but do not have any contact with him whatsoever afterwards.

I come from a family of lawyers. My father and uncle were prosecuting attorneys. A cousin is a prosecuting attorney in TX. I grew up listening to real life stories of domestic violence, even murder, which started out just like this. Your H may be guilty of statutory rape, at the least. He is horribly abusive to you. He sounds sociopathic. He will see you as an enemy. Stay away from him!

If he calls you and acts sorry and wants to see you to make up, Run The Other Way! That is a red flag. Alarms should go off all over the place if he gets real nice all of a sudden.

Do not see him. Do not let him know where you are staying. If you absolutely have to see him for some reason (and I can’t think of any), take someone you trust with you and do it in a public place, like a police station. And tell them why you are there.

Now, my wife and I know people in IL. (Yes, an attorney.) Depending on what city you are in, we can get some help to you within hours. If you desire some help, post it here. I will then post a temporary email address for you to use so they can set something up. (Somebody tell me if this violates any MB rules, OK?)

You are doing quite well in a terrible situation. But absolutely no one deserves what you are going through. Especially not you!

Our love to you,
S and T

You know GBM, you're starting to awe me more and more. You've got major potential, girl! Take your life back and show em what you're REALLY made of. {{{GBM}}}}

Thos, how thoughtful of you to offer help. This board really is amazing isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would appriciate any help I can get right now. I will have to see him again since all of my belongings are still at his home (mostly not even packed) but I'm not going to go there alone and not until I find a place to move.

I don't know if he is sociopathic (sp?) but he has mentioned to me in the past that he thought he was but who admits to that if they are?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to meet a nice person who treats me right and who really cares for me, not someone who says they care and leaves me to sleep on the streets. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is good.

However, can you read people well enough to know the ones that would care and not leave you on the streets?

Are you listening to your signals?

Not yet. Not until you are able to stand up for your rights again. Not until you are strong enough to say: Not this time; not without a fight! I will make respectful requests and say no, but if they are ignored, I will do what I must, call the police or defend myself.

Learn about boundaries, dear one. While at the library, pick up the title, "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Your boundaries have been bowled over a number of times in the past. It's time to repair and defend them.

In addition, I'd like to recommend, as per KnewBetter's advice, the book "The Courage to Heal." I've heard rave reviews about it and it's on my reading list.

Along that vein, when you are done with those two, you might consider another one by Dr. Henry Cloud: "Safe People." It may help you recognize people you can trust and realize that you can be a safe person. We all behave unsafely sometimes, but we can be forgiven and forgive, even while protecting ourselves. There's nothing saying that we must give ourselves completely over to people who are untrustworthy, even if these people manipulate our sensibilities.

GoodBye~, perhaps soon you'll feel like changing your name to "HelloMe." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Regina

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: ReginaSYMC ]</small>

Right now I know I'm not ready to be involved with anyone. I wish I were but right now I'm not capable of choosing a good person. Besides, I'm too scared of what would happen being in my current state of mind.

Well, the library is getting ready to close for the day. I hope that you all have a good night. I think I might catch that movie I was thinking of seeing. I'll be back tomorrow.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: GoodByeMe ]</small>

GBM, just read your thread. I am so sorry for your situation. I can only imagine the tribulations you have to deal with. I thought I was suffering.

You are still young and you photos show a bright sunny face. Read the books that were recommended here and seek IC when your ready. You have so many things happening to you and around you right now you must feel like there is a cyclone in your head.

Saying a prayer for you.

GBM, did you mail that letter yet? Get it out of the way and get it done, okay?

As for your marriage and whether your H is a sociopath, who knows? It's quite clear that he's acting in ways that are entirely unhealthy right now, no matter what name you put on them.

And really, so are you.

Since you're not able to get your H to heal (that's his journey), you're doing the right thing: focusing on your journey. One baby step at a time. The first things have to do with survival and physical safety. That's where you are right now, and that's where your focus must remain for a while.

You mentioned that you're worried about STDs. If you call the Planned Parenthood folks back, they can probably refer you to a free clinic where you can get tested. That'll put your mind at ease about that.

Dear GBM,

I'm checking up on you when I can - good for you for going to Planned Parenthood - I felt pretty stupid having to go and ask for the morning-after pill once, wondering what they were all thinking - but you know, what they think doesn't matter, and actually they are there because they want to help people just like you, so....good for you....I think you are one very brave woman....

I'm glad you've had this post from Thos - for the last few days, I have been having the same uneasy feelings about this situation - and after what you just posted about the first time you were with your H, even more so....

I agree this letter needs to be sent....but I think before you do this, you need to prepare yourself thoroughly for the aftermath, and take all precautions to protect yourself from your H - he could very well become violent....

Does he know where you live right now? Does he know where you are likely to go, in terms of church and school? Does he know how much "hard" evidence you have on his affair, in terms of copies of his e-mails, I mean? And do you have that evidence in a safe place?

When my H was involved in his EA, and I was considering legal separation, I went for a consultation with a lawyer - I printed out copies of all his e-mails to the OW (this was the second one, and she was 21), and left them on file with the lawyer, so they were out of my hands and in a safe place....I found a lawyer who would give me a free first consultation...when I then told him I had seen a divorce lawyer, I was able to say the evidence was already with her...it tied his hands and he didn't know how much I had...perhaps Thos has some ideas on this subject....

Check out your local domestic violence center - just go and talk to someone. You ARE still legally married to this man, and he has made you homeless - this is abuse in itself...you are entitled to help...go introduce yourself so that you know someone there who may be able to help you, if you need somewhere to turn to for protection....

And by all means, do NOT meet with him alone after you send the letter...I wouldn't even meet with him now...or contact him by phone...I understand your need and how lonely you are feeling, but you are doing just the right thing already, by writing him a letter when you feel that way, and then keeping it...you have to get these feelings out, but in a way which does not give him any more ammunition against you, or add fuel to his fire....whatever you say, you know that he is going to twist it against you...so get your feelings out by writing those letters, and by posting here, and talking with a priest or counsellor....we want to help you....

I admire your courage enormously....remember that we don't have to be worthy in order to be loved by God...we ALL fall short of being what we want to be, so don't beat yourself up anymore....

I just wanted to encourage you to believe that you CAN eventually find a kind, loving husband, despite everything you've been through. One of my friends suffered incest as a child - she had a tough time when she was your age, and married an alcoholic, who cheated on her....eventually she divorced him, and eventually she found her second husband, who is a wonderful, wonderful man - she has two beautiful children now and has started her own business, as a beautician, which she is GREAT at - she is booked up solid for the next 18 months. During one of her bad times, she told me she not only sleep-walked, but comfort ate in her sleep - she would wake up in bed next to her husband smeared with chocolate, feeling horribly embarassed and ashamed. Her H never reacted badly towards her, he found a way to help her by clearing a space at night to the kitchen table, so she wouldn't trip and hurt herself - then he laid out healthy stuff like bananas and peaches every night - still sweet, just not so fattening. If the sheets were stained and wet in the morning, he would strip and change the bed himself...you couldn't ask for a better husband...I know the guy, and he's just....great! There ARE fairy-tale endings out there...when I think of him, I know not all men are clueless...there are a lot of kind, wonderful men out there...

...so....get a good night's sleep...know that people here are thinking of you....stay in close contact with your mother and your family in TX....

...and stay safe!

LIR

Yesterday went fairly well. I had a really good time walking around my city's downtown with a friend. I was a bit hesitant because I don't really trust myself around men right now but my friend was a perfect gentelman which was a relief. It's strange that I feel uncomfortable around men I've known for a while now because I'm afraid that every man is out to take advantage of me.

I have had NC with H since Wednesday and I think that's really helping me get things done. I went to see a movie today with my friend but I don't think it was such a good idea. My friend was fine, no problems there, but I found myself looking over my shoulder the entire time because I know H sometimes likes to go to the movies Sunday mornings plus the theater is across the street from the gym H goes to. Luckly I never saw him. I think this is the first time in my life that I've ever been afraid of my H. I really don't know why I am. I think that because of the things I've been able to recall from our relationship in the past I've been able to put them all together to get this picture that has been blurred to me for this entire time.

He doesn't know where I'm staying. Last time I spoke with him I was still staying in my car. The city I live in isn't too small but it's not large by any means. I used to go to the main library to use the computer and he did know of that but once I found that my school library account was still active I started coming back here. I've been staying away from his parent's house but his parent's house just happens to be about a mile away from the city's downtown area and my school and pretty much everything that I know around here. My hotel is pretty close to his gym but I don't think he knows where I'm staying or that I went to the church for help.

I did some research on sociopaths and what I found was kinda scary.

I found this on Profile of a Sociopath and although the page is about cult leaders almost every example is something that H has displayed. I still don't know if this is the case but it sure does make me want to stay away from him. I want my stuff out of that house ASAP. I'm really scared to have to go there.

Other than that, I still haven't heard from the apartment, the church paid for 3 more days at the hotel and I have a busy day planned for me tomorrow. I'm feeling better about life today. My parents sent me some money to open a new bank account in my name only in a bank that is also down there so they can deposit money when they can. I really hope I can get in contact with a lawyer tomorrow as well. I think it will ease my mind some to know exactly what I can do to protect myself and my belongings.

You know the strangest thing is that all the things that he said he felt about me I now feel about him. I'm scared of him and paranoid that he'll show up somewhere. I also think he is very manipulative. After the night he refused to help me with my car at 4am when I was sleeping in it in a parking lot I think my view of him really changed. I think that's when the rest of the love I had for him was drained because right now I have no feelings toward him. I think not being in contact with him has helped a lot too. It's like as soon as I hear his voice I believe everything he says and want to be with him again. I don't want to chance that happening again so I continue to keep my distance.

and I thought my nick here was bringing me down as well so here I am anew. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh Ivory,

I am so glad you changed your name. I could hardly stand your other name. Made me sad just typing it.

Thinking of you,

Weaver

That's weird. I was JUST thinking, "Oh yeah! ivoryivy wanted me to change her name on the photo album. Now... let me go see about that." And when I came lookin' to see what the new name was, to be sure I got it right, your "old" name was back! I'm glad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, just to answer your question... yes, I can change the names on the album. No problem.

Faith1

Ivory,

Have you sent the girls parent's the letter yet? Your husband is treading on dangerous ground right now and could easily end up in jail if he has sex with a minor. Also, would you parents be willing to let you move back home for a while? Your parent's house may be a better environment and you can always go back to where your husband lives once you save up some money.

The letter will be sent this week. I found out that I should be able to get an apartment this week so I can move all of my things out of his house this week as well. This apartment thing is really scary too. I'm not sure how I feel about the situation right now. The other girl living there decided to stay in the small room so I would be getting the larger one but then I would also be paying more rent. I was supposed to talk to two other people about rooms today so I guess I'll wait on that until I get that done. I'm finding myself really stressed today. I have to put in my appeal for school today and I hate having to write out my reasons for needing it. I have to go talk to the bank today about my account but I don't even have an address to start an account with yet so that might have to wait as well.

Last night was tough on me as well. Since I wasn't really busy yesterday I had a lot of time to spend alone and it just made me sad. My bed never felt so empty. It made me want to call H until my sadness turned into anger and feelings of hatred. I don't like feeling this way toward him. I told him I could never hate him but I think I reached my limit of forgiveness. It suprised me last night because my memory seems to be fading of our times together. I don't even really remember our wedding or most of the past 8 years at all. I think that's what made me the most sad.

I woke up today and had to force myself to get up and face the things I have to do today. I'm already so far behind. I guess I'm just having a down day today. I don't really feel like being anywhere. I don't know what else to say. I'm lonely and confused. I wish I had a lawyer to tell me what I can do.