Hello All,
I was discovered of having an A(s), a few weeks ago. this is not the first time that I have screwed up but this comes at a time when I am away from home (deployed) and was in the process of repairing what I had done fromt he past. NOw I am in the process of initiating Plan A and she is not having it. My question is how do I start talking to her about my wrongs to help repair the m while she is telling me there is not repair. I just read " can a marriage be repaired by one person", and what can I do to start easing the pain of my wrongs and get the m back on track.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My question is how do I start talking to her about my wrongs to help repair the m while she is telling me there is not repair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now, your ACTIONS are doing the talking for you. Your words mean nothing to your spouse... but your ACTIONS do...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what can I do to start easing the pain of my wrongs and get the m back on track.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stop cheating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ....Even that will not "ease" the pain you've caused...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Cheating has stopped, and now I am just trying ti initiate "Plan A-1". My track record has said it all and that is what she is going off of. Can not do anything from here but try and talk to her but rejection is all that comes out. For example, I was told when I get back she will be doing her thing and you can just spend time with your son, if the opportunity arises for me to date some one I will. Where and I Supposed to take that?

Rebuildinginfaith is right on!

I was engaged to a "cheater" and subsequently called off the wedding and asked him to move out because I could not trust him. My lack of trust in him destroyed our relationship, (aside from his lack of trustworthiness).

What I would need from him to regain trust his for him to completely "get it". This meaning the pain he caused to me by his lying. He would need to write me a letter telling me EVERY single lie and deception since the day I met him. Then he would have to prove to me that lying and cheating would never happen again. I believe that this is a character trait that some people just don't have until they fully understand the devestation of lies, and until they make an internal decision that they will never lie again.

He would then have to make his life an open book to me. Give me phone numbers of where he is at all times. (he works on the road) He must call when he says he will call. Everything that comes out of his mouth must be matched by actions. When he can do all this and I KNOW that he has changed, I will give it another go. We are trying to date now but I am still not convinced he is capable of full honesty. So where we will end up I don't know at this point.

The burden of proving yourself is on you, not on your wife. You need to fully understand this before you can even begin to regain her trust so that she feels safe in opening her heart to you again.

Hi L5844,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My track record has said it all and that is what she is going off of. Can not do anything from here but try and talk to her but rejection is all that comes out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly... I read some of your ealier posts. If I were your W, I wouldn't trust anything you said to me either.

Why the sudden change? Why do you care about your M now? Is it because your W found out? You need to stop worrying about what your W is going to do, or not do, and start looking at yourself and look for the reasons that you've betrayed your M Vows multiple times... Until you do this, you will never start to rebuild your M.

I hate to sound so harsh, but come on, what do you expect your W to do here? You've totally destroyed her and now you can't understand why she wants nothing to do with you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Take the advice of some of the other's... stop trying to discuss the M while you're deployed.

It doesn't work. I'm deployed right now, but thankfully, my wonderful W and I have worked through all of our past issues. I would sure hate to try and do it while on a deployment.

When you get home, you must look for ways to SHOW your W that you are changing... it won't happen over night, and it will most probably take her a long, long time to learn to trust you again... but it CAN be done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Work on yourself and stop worrying about what you're wife says she'll do.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Dr. Harly has a article about love and in a nutshell it goes something like this.

Many people ask others if they love them wanting verbal affirmation, others tend to say well you tell me but you don't show me, like the old saying goes actions speak louder than words. After some analysis of this he says that the real question that should be asked, and this is pretty much verbatim is, AM I WORTHY OF BEING LOVED?

Not to be harsh but perhaps you should ask yourself this question. If the answer is no then do something about it and perhaps your BW will love you once again.

I assume when you say you are deployed you are defending our country overseas. For this I thank you. Stay safe and always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIF,
You are not being harsh it is the truth. you are just being real about what is going on here. Why the sudden change? there has not been a sudden change we have been working and my actions has not spoken louder than my words. Yes, working on this while on Deployment is the beginning of my fight to repair my M. Nothing more in the world is more important to me than fixing this and moving on to the life we have been working for.

S/F
L5844

Why did you have the affair? How many affairs have you had before? How long have you been married?

Melody,
One affair, two internet affairs (nothing sexual), and the main affair started because we were just having problems. Neither one of us would listen to each other, and when I found an ear one thing led to another. things that happened were all my fault. (just to get that out there) So I know the damage and have destroyed the feelings of my best friend.

L, 3 affairs would tell me this is a way of life with you. I would have run after affair #2. 3 affairs is not an aberration of character, but a way of life, IMO. Maybe you aren't ready to be married? Have you considered that?

She is pushing away from you as a reaction to your former conduct. So how do you help her stop that?

1. You stop your fomer conduct. This is hard because it is hard to show you are NOT doing the A.

2. You can show her by meeting her needs better. Do you know what they are?

Why is this sooo hard? RE: You are farther along on the recovery path than most. When the BS needs time to heal, you will find they will be going through many phases of recovery similar to the grieving process. One of those phases include anger.

If she chooses to yell at you for the A, you really gotta take it. At least for a while. Eventually her yelling will cease once she gets it out of her system.

I know that sounds cruel but after what you did to her, you deserve to hear some of her hurt and pain. She will never forget what you did but she can learn to forgive.

Right now the best thing is for you to be the best H you can be. If she wants her space, let her have it. You need to be the meek one now. Not a panty but meek. There is a big difference.

Talk with Steve @ MB. He is good about doing both individual and couples counseling. He does phone counseling so you can both hear it. If she doesn't want to participate, you do it within earshot of her. She will probably be curious on what goes on. Don't feel the need to tell her all of that convo. Ask her but if she doesn't want to hear it, save it for a later time.

Work on improving her needs. Eat crow for a while but not forever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You hurt her badly and now want to repair. This is going to take a while. The result c/b a better M. R U ready?

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nothing more in the world is more important to me than fixing this and moving on to the life we have been working for. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing that my W and I learned is that you can't "fix" this... you have to learn for yourself, the reasons why you've strayed. Until you can identify the reasons why you strayed in the past, and what you are going to do to keep you from doing so again in the future, you will most likely do it again.

You need to look inside yourself for the reasons that you've strayed... You can fill out all of the forms, and do all of the 'right' things, but until you reach deep down and identify WHY you had your A's, then you'll just be going through the motions of rebuilding your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF,
You really dont know me to say "you will most likely do it again", Simply because you dont know the situation(s) that led up to any of this. I know I was wrong for what ever wrong I have done to my S but yes there is some "fixing" to do becasue if you dont fix it, it will always continue to be broken.

Identifying why I had an A is something that is looked at on a daily basis. I am looking deep inside my self to "Stop Myself" from hurting my S again.

So Before you say "you will most likely do it again" research before you jump out there like that at me.

S/F
L5844

L5844,

You are entirely correct... I don't know you or your exact situation... I should have worded my comments differently. Sorry if I offended you...

I still stand by my original statement in that you must identify the reasons that you've strayed and that "fixing" things won't help you rebuild your M... I should have given you my definition of "fixing"... to me, fixing was just making superficial changes and never identifying the underlying reasons for mine or my W's actions. I "fixed" a lot of things, but we never delt with any of the underlying issues.

We only started healing our M when my W identified the reasons that she strayed and then dealt with each issue.

Again, my appologies for not expressing myself better. I was in no way judging your future actions...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF,
you hit the nail right on the head with your last reply. I have been asking my W about what are the problems (since she is mad, I get no answer). Just today, My W is mad becasue I am not giving her space but I feel that I have to express feelings and convince her that "I am going to make this right".

Thanks for explaining "Fixing".... because I know it can never be "Fixed" and after reading from other members and guest it can only be healed.

Identifying the problems is what I have tried to talk to my w in the past about but she is quick to point and tell me "you did this and this". and in turn that gets me to pointing back saying well you constantly do this and this, and the argument begins.therfore nothing gets talked about.

I have admitted that I was wrong and that I am not giving up the fight to repair and rebuild our M, and I am going to do it by "any means necessary".

So just as a general Question, where do you recomend that I start(besides myself)?

I strongly reccomend that both you and your W try to find a good pro-marriage MC... Working through all of this is hard enough WITH a good MC... trying to do it without a MC is next to impossible, IMHO.

This site is great but it shouldn't take the place of professional marriage counseling or individual counseling.

As you noticed by the few exchanges that we've had, it's so easy to misread someones "advice"... I'm definitely NOT an expert and have never claimed to be... I can only offer my past experience in the hopes that it may encourage others that are hurting as I once was... A professional MC will keep both of you on track with your rebuilding efforts and help you avoid many of the "common" mistakes that couples make as they wade through the devistation of an A.

I might have mentioned this before, get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Read it and see if your wife would be willing to read it as well. For me, this book helped me understand many of the feelings that I had as a BS.

I wish you the best as you start rebuilding your M...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF,
Yes it is easu to misread someones statement and I must say that I was not offended just stating a point. This is a great site I wish I would have found it sooner than later. Taking notes from past experiences is great but I will definately seek counseling once I return to the states.

Getting her to sit and read a book on this right now is going to be a miracle because she is hell bent on ending this M.