</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> LHC

You are not "in love" with your affair partner. You are really in love with how you feel about yourself, when you allow the OM to meet some of your EN's (emotional needs) that your H may not have filled.SD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! That is one of the best explanations for an A and the strong feelings associated with the OP!

I wish I could share this with my W. I think I print this out and give her a copy.

Fantastic SD! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
<strong>I wish I could share this with my W. I think I print this out and give her a copy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FM - I recommend you not do this unless she is already absorbing other anti-affair literature.

Reason: It'll be an LB because you're trying to educate her. She will NOT be receptive to ANY logic until she's ready.

WAT

My WH once said to me, "You can't separate the person from the circumstance." In other words, Sophia was a great affair partner but may not have made a great wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
<strong>I wish I could share this with my W. I think I print this out and give her a copy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FM - I recommend you not do this unless she is already absorbing other anti-affair literature.

Reason: It'll be an LB because you're trying to educate her. She will NOT be receptive to ANY logic until she's ready.

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep..I had already scraped that idea! My spidey senses told me Fog people don't like being woke up by others...

Good advice WAT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You'd think the fact it's not coming from me would matter...but chances are it would NOT.

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

WAT [/qb][/QUOTE]Yep..I had already scraped that idea! My spidey senses told me Fog people don't like being woke up by others...

The above would explain the rather obvious absence of Lonely from either of the threads she has started. Such good advice is being given here, I hope someone is learning from it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Geez woman, what the heck were you thinking of posting here? You better wake up fast before you hurt the most innocent in this mess you have made, your children. Be honest with your husband and try to repair the damage you are causing with your incredibly selfish actions. hope you eventually see the light, although you are probably gone due to the responses you have received.

Like everyone has already said--------you can phrase and rephrase a question until you get the desired answer you want. Use this all the time in my classroom. Sadly, the answer you seek is not going to come out of the mouths of people who value marriage and their marriage vows. Think about those vows for minute and be honest with yourself about being with the OM. I say once someone shows indifference to these vows they will not have a "successful relationship" because to them the marriage vows mean nothing!!

People who enjoy 30th, 40th, 50th anniversaries are to be admired. They have weathered the dry spells, the problems, the feelings that they may not love their spouse or even A's. That is being committed. That is honoring their marriage vows.

And now you know why relationships coming out of A's have a low percentage of success------ Committment is not a word known to them.

Remember that bible verse that's used in so many Christian weddings. Others here know it well. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not boastful, so on.

What part of that are you following if you throw your spouse away for an affair partner?

That's not bible-beating, that's just pointing out that marriage is about a lot more than feeling "in love". It's okay to want to feel that way, and you can work with your spouse to make it happen again.

I'm a BS, so forgive me, but this seems so obvious to me, I have a hard time seeing why it is so unacceptable and confusing to the WS. Geez Louise, get with the program. You've probably imagined marrying the other man. Why would you, if you don't believe in marriage any more?

GC

I'm not going to flame you or lecture to you. I will answer your question, though.

I know of two couples that started as an A, and are happily married, for more than twenty years. So, yes, once in a great while, it happens.

But I know a hell of a lot more couples who it didn't work out for. The statistics you are hearing here are not made up.

A very high percentage of second marriages, no matter what the reason for the end of the first marriage, end up in divorce.

Marriages of A-partners are almost completely doomed. Some here have said that 2-3% is the norm. I have read, and I will try and find it, that only about 2-3% of A's progress to marriage, and of those, only about 10% last past the first two years. That's about a quarter to a third of one percent of marriages resulting from A's succeeding. Not very good odds. The odds are 99.75% that your marriage to Darryl, I think you said his name was, will fail.

Bob

I met my current WH while I was M - I left my BS quickly - M current WH and I find out that he's cheating on me. He's probably been cheating for years...I was stupid enough to leave my M for what???? THIS....I have been an emotional wreck for over a year - he's doing it right under my nose...So I say run, run fast..Work on your current M - feel very lucky if your BS takes you back.

I am living proof that A partners rarely work out...Now I'm trying to hold my M together and I'm finding that I am dealing with a serial cheater...NO FUN...

I know that I am the odd man out here.
I recently celebrated my 1st anniversary- my
H was my MM for a very short time. Within 3
months of the affair he was separated and six
months later filed for divorce. I believe that
our marriage will be one of those exceptions.
However, I must say- this is not the ideal way
to go about things. I believe you must exhaust
every possibility of saving your marriage first-
that means the OM must be out of the picture.
If after a good faith effort you still want a
divorce- then take care of that before seeking
another relationship.
Be well.

PinkPaige,

I hate to rain on your parade, but I would add a great big "YET" to your situation. You have only been married for 1 year. I would point out that what your MM did WITH you, he will likely do TO you.

This is why marriages from affairs almost always fail. It is very hard to ever trust an adulterer.

MelodyLane,
No you're not raining on my parade- I know the
stats.I know this is the belief that the BS in
these situations need to believe.
You chose to trust your H after his affair- if
the once a cheat always a cheat philosophy
was always true- would you have worked to repair
your marriage?

PP, My DH did not leave me for another woman, yours did. I do not believe that once a cheat, always a cheat. But I do believe that someone who leaves their marriage to accomodate their adultery has no respect for vows.

The odds of a repeat affair with someone who has a demonstrated lack of respect for vows is very great.

Pink:

And the biggest difference between a BS and WS trying 2 REbuild THEIR M, versus affairees trying 2 BUILD a M is that in the first case, there was innocence, trust and promises, whereas the 2nd case BEGAN with deceit.

Not much hope there. That's why the stats, not the "belief that the BSs must have", say that you've still got less than a 5% chance of being M'd in another 4 years.

Good luck,
-ol' 2long

TPP, I don't mean this in a nasty way, I swear it. I just want to understand: how do you live with yourself? Do you understand the horror that you put your present H's wife through? I assume you weren't married, so she was the only betrayed spouse.

I apologize for not knowing a gentler way of asking my question.

GC

That's where we differ.
I see it this way-
H knew that having an A was wrong but he also
knew that for him the M was over and he was
in love with me. Rather than play cakeman- we
stopped the A and they went to counseling. Through
counseling they determined the M was over- W
filed for divorce and we resumed relationship.
Why you believe his commitment to the vows he
took his less than your H's who had an affair
and returned to the marriage- I'm not sure- if
adultry is the issue here. He didn't divorce so
he could continue being adulterous- he divorced
to not be.

PP, the difference is that mine honored his vows, yours didn't. He dumped his W for his OW and left his marriage. And will probably do it again when he tires of you.

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Graycloud,
Even though I take a certain degree of offense
at your question- I will try to answer as honestly
as possible.
I don't believe she went through horrors- she
had mixed feelings about the divorce. In fact, she
was the one who filed and that filing was not
prompted by our affair- since it was quite short
lived and she knew nothing about it. Her biggest
concern and that time was her financial well
being- which was taken care of to her satisfaction. There were no children. She has
moved across the country and seems quite happy.
She contacts H occasionally to share goings-on.
In terms of my feelings about the affair- while
it was going on I never gave her a thought- it
was as though she didn't exist. I don't know if
this is part of the "fog" or not. Lots of attention is paid to the fog of the MP but very
little discussed in regards to OP. Maybe the
fact that there was spousal abuse involved tempered any guilt I might have had at the time.
Now- yes, I do feel a certain degree of guilt but
we're working with our pastor to find the right
road in all of this.

MelodyLane-
Was he honoring his vows when he cheated on
you?