WW did not call hear and we did not call her.......It has been hard.........I hate the week ends so long..............We used to do everything on the weekends.......I am not really doing a plan because of my situation........should I still be nice if she calls...........I think she will be getting her papers soon for custody............You wonder if they even care what is going on in your life............If WW is able to get on line should you tell her about this web site.......

Frank,

Why can't you be in a plan? The plans are designed to help you.

As for your W, do you really think she would appreciate what you have learned?

Remember, teaching a WS often backfires. She probably isn't ready yet. She may be, but later.

She has to show she wants to learn. You can't shove love in her face or down her throat no matter how beneficial it is for her.

Be patient. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

Have you read any of the books here yet?

L.

Hi Frank, so sad that she isn't calling D. But yes, if she does call, I would be as pleasant as possible. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be firm, don't let her run over you.

I wouldn't tell her about this website right now, because it would undermine your ability to deal with this if she read your posts. If/when she gets to a place where she wants to recover, then it would be appropriate. But until then, this needs to be a place for YOU.

As for your W, do you really think she would appreciate what you have learned?

I don't thing so right now........

I think I have been in a plan with out knowing it .....Plan "A" for the last three months..By plan "A" I mean I tryed to keep the phone calls to a minimium.....When she called I tryed to be very nice........I agreed with everything she said even if she was only 20% right.......I took the blame fot anything she said so she would start defending me instead of being on the defencive..And it worked.........I did have time when I would tell her how I felt about trying to make this work.........I would slip another words...........My mom called WW about 3 weeks ago and ask WW how she felt about me and told WW she was tired of hearing WW name and she wanted to know right thet how my WW felt............WW told Mom that it was over and she wants a divorce and custody of D and to tell me to leave her alone ..She also told mom to tell me to fine someone else...........

Well 2 hrs later I called WW and she told me what was said .I told WW that I new that it was over and if she wants a divorce to go ahead.........And then WW said she don't want a divorce yet just custody........She just wishes I fined someome else.I told WW that I am not ready to find know one else that I am not over her yet.....


I will not tell WW about this site or any other books I read,,,,,,,I did tell her that in a book by smalley I did about 80 things wrong out of 120 he had listed.......And that I am learning how to treat a women..........I have sliped in the past and Tolsd WW that I loved her which is a no no.


My D and mine C told me that WW would come back but it is going to take time ,,,,,,,,I need to stop calling her and talk nice if she calls me........She said it wont take yrs but it will take months I need to earn her respect back and give her emotional needs.....by leaveing her have space.......

Oh by the Way WW did go to the first two C meetings ....She drove the D so OM did not know I was there.......C earned WW trust the first two times but WW was afraid OM would find out I was there to......so she stop going........

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: frankd ]</small>

Frank, giver her space, give her time.

She seems to be rebelling a lifestyle that is too "grown-up", looking for excitement with a younger guy. You have to let it play out and see if she comes around or not.

She has told you to find someone else and move on. She wants a divorce/does not want a divorce, wants to visit her D/does not visit her D... She is clearly in the Fog and not living in reality. Just back off and take care of your D.

She goes to counseling with you and your D and hides it from the OM? That does not sound to me like she is committed to him either, again a relationship built on deceipt is not going to last.

Another relationship is te LAST thing you need to be thinking of at this point. She wants you to have one so you will leave her alone and focus on someone else, possible losing interest in your D as she has done. Don't fall for it.

Take this a day at a time, focus on your D and taking good care of yourself. She is not ready for any repairing of your marriage but be sure that you do not do any further damage to it yourself.

Once the custody hearing happens, you can take steps towards a new life and you won't be in such turmoil about what to do regarding your D.

Be patient, you WILL be OK. Ladysing

ml would you read last post...........

Frank, I did read it, is there a specific questiond you want me to address? I do think you should stay in Plan A for now. Then when you get done with the custody hearing, go to Plan B. Was that your Q?

yes that was my question and you answered it for me .I do value your advice...........by me not calling a good thing..........

Frank, I do agree with your thinking that it's not a good idea to call. I think you are definitely on the right track. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am so depressed today .........Do you think there is a antidepressant that would help me..........

Frank, it might not hurt to visit your doctor and ask him about AD's. Can you take your D out somewhere to get your mind off things? Sorry you feel so bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My D had her cousin spend the weekend.......we took him back earlier.........I will look in to that AD"s I think it will help.....

Sorry to butt in. See your doc if you need to Frank. I did the first bout, but watch out for side effects. I couldn't sleep at all, and it's hard enough to sleep when your mind is racing already. Rest is important. You can't stay focused when you're exhausted.

frank

I didn't see your answer to the question someone above had asked. Have you purchased and read Surviving an Affair.

If not, you really need to do this. These are complicated matters, and you DO NEED a plan. SAA will give you insight as to the philosophy of MarriageBuilders. It will give you the reasons behind the help the posters are giving you.

You can't just fly by the "seat of your pants" through this emotional trauma. You need to have direction, and SAA will be your road map. This site, the people here, and SAA were instrumental in me making the changes in ME that were necessary, and, helped me lure my WW back. We are now in recovery. I could not have done it, otherwise!

Just my 2 cents worth.

SD

I have read alot of books.....love must be tough,divorce busters,what men should know about women,Stop your divorce,.ect not the one here yet.......I have a very good ideal I have read this whole site and all the sections.......I think I will get the books.....

I have read alot of books.....love must be tough,divorce busters,what men should know about women,Stop your divorce,.ect not the one here yet.......I have a very good ideal I have read this whole site and all the sections.......I think I will get the books.....

Don't make the mistake that I did when I started taking an anti-d, which was asking a General Practicioner to prescribe them. I tried Effexor XR and it worked for a little while and then made me feel worse. I told my doctor and he simply upped the dosage. This aslo helped for a while, but I was almost unable to have sex due to the side effects. I know that you're not worried about the sexual aspect at the moment, but withdrawal from Effexor was H-E-double-L! One day you will want to have sex again and you should keep this in mind. I am now on Wellbutrin XL and have seen much better results without the sexual side effects. I started at 150mg per day and then asked my doctor to up me to 300mg, figuring that more of a good thing would be better....WRONG! On 300mg of Wellbutrin XL I felt angry and agitated almost all of the time. My wife and kids would set me off by saying, or doing, things that really should not have bothered me. I am now back down to 150mg of Wellbutrin XL and seem to do well with it. Some anti-d's will give you a boost and some seem to mellow you out. Wellbutrin gives me a boost when compared to Effexor. To help with anxiety I take a 1mg tablet of Xanax XR once per day. It has helped a lot, but you can grow to like it too much if you're not careful. Xanax will help to keep you calm and also doubles as a sleeping aid. Since Xanax has a short half-life, the drug company that makes it has created a time released version called XR. Wellbutrin XL and Effexor XR are long lasting as well (once per day tablet or capsule). My advice, seek help from a Psychiatrist rather than a General Practicioner or you may go through a very rough period trying to find a drug, or drugs, that work for you.

sorry to butt in here..but just wanted to comment on the AD's...I think it is imperative you see a doc about it...doesn't matter what kind...It may take SEVERAL different AD's to get you on the right one...what works for one person may not work for another one...Some have different side effects then others...also it wont work overnight...some may take up to 3 or 4 weeks to take full affect...then you may feel better then feel worse...you may need to up the dose or switch...but it is one medication you must be patient with...trial and error...

I agree with momtothreeboys, Frank.

I am on lexapro, took a few weeks but I have sense of well being/peace now that I haven't had in a long time.

You need this, I can tell by your posts how terribly sad and afraid you are. My heart goes out to you and I will be thinking of you, as will everyone else on this board.

Hang in there Frank, you will make it through this.

Weaver

My post was not meant to imply that Frank should avoid taking an anti-d drug or drugs. I think that he should consult with a psychiatrist, whom will be able to prescribe drugs from a behavioral science perspective, rather than his family doctor. I think that some folks that read my post thought that I was telling Frank to seek help from a psychologist instead of asking for anti-d drugs. A psychologist specializes in "talk therapy." A psychiatrist can prescribe medication in the same manner that an MD can and also have specialized training in drugs that can be used to correct mental disorders, such as depression.