Hi Cymanca,

Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?

L.

Orchid,

Thanks for thinking of me. I have sunk into a deep funk since I got an email from my WW saying she was sending the OM a NC letter and was planning on spending lunch and a little time with me. She was a no show and a few days later I got a short email saying that while she was 90% sure she wanted our marriage to survive, there was that 10% of her that was afraid she would do the same thing to me and that I did not deserve to be treated like that. I directed her to SAA, told her that I was willing to take that chance if she was willing to put in the years of repair necessary.

I have not heard from her since except to find that she has been bar hopping in downtown San Diego with her only female friend.

I stopped coming to this forum for a while because my feelings were so ambivalent. I know what I'm doing ( staying dark is the ONLY way to go) but after 4 months, I JUST CAN NOT FIND ANY RATIONALE FOR ANYTHING CHANGING. I see no light, no hope and just utter despair. Luckily I have a succesful career and that helps, but every day as the sun goes down the demons come out and I can hear them howling in the wind. ( Sorry, a bit melodramatic but it is the way I truly feel about evening and nights).

Hopeless!

Orchid this was a reply to October girl yesterday. It also has a little info on myoverwhelming depression

I haven't posted for a while mainly because I am also going through all the rage and anger not only at the OM but also my WW. I did a very stupid thing a couple of days ago. While looking through my computer bag, I found some picture negatives that I found on D-Day in my irrational attempt to tear my house apart looking for evidence. On impluse I went and developed the pics and of course there were several of my WW and the OM in bathing suits and in each other's arms. Believe it or not my rage was triggered by the fact that every picture I examined , my WW NEVER had her wedding ring on. She has always sworn to me that it has never left her finger during our marriage.

This small detail may seem stupid but it broke my heart as I hunted through each picture hoping to find evidence of even one day of wear. If I could grade my depression on a 1 to 10 scale( I know you RN's are into pain scales), it would be a 15.

I have been sitting her alternately sobbing and planning the destruction of them both. I gues I'll just stick to the crying.

As always you are always in my prayers

Hi Cymanca -

Lonely road your wife has chosen to take, this bar hopping and messing around with cruise ship guy. I hope she figures this all out while you still love her...for both your sakes.

You are going to get through this.

My doctor and good friend of my families suggested that I put all that anger and pain to creative use. It is a time like no other in that passion and creativiy is going crazy inside of you. If you can channel that as some people can, it would be of great benefit to you.

Weaver,
My surgical practice gives me enormous satisfaction, knowing I have impacted most patients in a positive light. Unfortunately the old saying is very true" Success is so much sweeter when shared with the one you love". I hope my love has a lot more resilience than I feel at this moment.

Thank you for your kind words.

Cymanca -

Hang in there. You can get through this. If you stay in Plan B, you may get to the point where you very clearly won't want her back.

I hope that you are getting out and doing things. It really helps. You are very nice looking and will do just fine.

When you start living your life like they are not coming back, you will start feeling better.

Cymanca -

Do you remember the Xmas card letter you posted? That is what I am talking about. That letter was highly entertaining, even given the painful context.

You can write!.... and your witty.

Start writing, write about the dreams that seem as if they are crashing about your feet. Write about the pain that has eclipsed your very soul.

Write Cymanca, you are good at it.

Weaver,

Funny that you should mention that Xmas card. I have just added pictures of WW and OM in an almost naked embrace for the cover. I have also finished up the June and July update. I do find it stress relieving.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts!