When I can't control it and cry (or get choked up) in front of WW is that a total turn off for her or what. I feel so pathetic when I do it and it is only when we talk about what happened and our R. Feel like a big mush especially becaause she hardly ever cries, ever! She was trained by her abusive father that crying is wrong etc. So she rarely cries. I was planning Aing it perfectly and the second she brought up R and got choked up I started crying. Argh! Can't help being emotional, but it must be un attractive. I guess FWW's could answer this better.

Awwww, I can't help you but wanted to commiserate. My husband is coming to visit me in two weeks. I've decided to end all R talk on my part. If he brings up the R to me I am so very very afraid that my resolve to be strong will be broken. It is not that I want to hide my pain from him.

I don't think my crying would "turn him off", but it would make him feel guilty. Guilt is a feeling that I have resolved that I will no longer be involved with. If he feels guilty it's going to be because of his realization of everything that has happened, but it will NOT because I caused him to feel that way.

Guilt is not a good feeling. I want him to associate only good feelings with me from here on out.

*hugs*..I hope that you can find a way to overcome this (lol, and fill me in when you do)

I understand too well how you feel Juke, but yes it's probably not attractive. As Maddy said you WW might feel guilty about the fact your hurting, but I think the only thing that will bring them to senses is their own pain and sensibilities.

Do your best not to display your emotions thru that side of you for now. I would excuse myself or if I'm on the phone I would tell her I need to call her back in a few minutes....make any excuse. I think if you show how vulnerable it will intesify her feeling that she's wounded you past reconciliation. Imvho it's best to contol this with AD's if necessary, I know it's not fair believe me I know. My macho sentiments may seem callous but look at it this way, DONT give your WW and the OM the pleasure of putting you in that state. Her actions donot deserve your tears. Get angry inside and form a protective coating over your feelings and then cover that ball with empathy for her, she's the one losing her mind not you.

I hope I make sense and don't seem too unrealistic, but this is how I'm dealing with it. My advice might not the most healthy, but the end result is I'm not crying in her presence, she might use that as a motivation to say..."I've hurt FM's too much, he'll never forgive me now!"
and end up clinging more to the only option she thinks she has left....OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Hang in there!

Juke, anything that buoys their guilt at the surface makes them want to run, run, run.

The other day, a week ago now, the sparrow told me "I didn't even think I liked sex", basically saying that she's been having a blast in the sack with OM. I felt like a shot of some evil drug had just gone through my body. I wasn't sure if I was going to cry, collapse, or vomit. But I sucked it up and held her gaze and didn't let my expression change. I learned to be tough growing up too, I guess. When tears come it's pretty tough to keep it from happening, but it would probably be better for now if you could keep some of it at bay. On the other hand, how healthy is it to bury your pain and turn it all inward on yourself. That cannot be good. Not expressing the way you feel will in the end make you depressed and angry and sick. So, tough call I guess.

GC

I'm not saying don't cry, I'm saying don't give her the satisfaction of SEEING you cry. Not that she gets satisfaction, but FOR ME and I can ONLY speak for myself, For me thinking it's a LB isn't a strong enough motivation to hold it in, but thinking that its some sort of battle where their A is the villain and their trying to break me...
now that gives me strength.

Do what works for you Juke, I cry sometimes over the pain I just do it alone in private, away from my kids.

Juke, I've cried only once since my AD's (Lexapro 10mg) kicked in.

Crying was theraputic and a real release, and for that reason I kind of miss it. But not doing it all the time is helping me function, and tough as I may think I am, I think it also helps me keep it together when I talk to my WW.

GC

Yeah I will try not to do it again . It is good to get it out, but I will try really hard not to in front of WW. I feel like i messed up by doing it the other day. It did seem to push her away. Why would she want to be around me when she just sees how much she hurt me? I get it. I guess it was my way of trying to reach out to her emotionally. She said she isn't really crying but in deep pain on the inside.

BTW, feeling some depression coming back after being pretty free of it for a while. Worries me a bit. I feel alone again.

Juke, if you haven't yet (I forget), consider the drugs. They will not make you punchy or groggy or even happy. They'll just protect you from the wicked, evil despair.

I have never been prescription-happy in the least, but going on ADs has done me lots of good.

GC

Juke:

Ah, I've done it all!

It's true that the WS may just think you're a pitiful mass of goo if you cry in front of her... ...now. But it won't always be that way. And the best news is you won't always FEEL this way. Through finding the strength that you have within you, and realizing that the "neediness" you feel 2ward your W (which is why she can affect you so with her selfishness) is unhealthy for YOU, you will realize you have less of a need 2 cry with time.

...and then, when you do, she'll see your sincerity and maybe come 2 your "rescue."

In short, be YOU. If, for now, "You" is a 2uivering mass, then so be it. But keep working on that inner strength stuff, and let that dominate your convos with your W.

I think you're going 2 be fine.
-ol' 2long

Juke -

I wish I could cry. I haven't cryed since my parents died six years ago now. Instead I get panic attacks, believe me that is worse. Crying is a lot healthier than not crying.

Believe me your wife who cannot cry has terrible pain inside her and no healthy way to release it. I once told my therapist that if I ever did start to cry I was afraid I would never stop.

Like 2long said this jag you are on right now won't last forever. You will be just fine, don't worry.

As a woman I don't think it is a turnoff, but may make her feel more guilty, so do it in private if you can.

I cried once the first time my WS told me she was really not coming back and to move on with my life. She turned away ( out of whatever emotion she was feeling doesn't matter) and told me how unattractive it was, and how weak it made me look. Pathetic may have been a word she used too.
You won't get anywhere with showing her this part of you. Especially if she is not a crier. My WS did a lot of crying. They need only see the strong , confident you that they first fell in love with. Plan A'ing it is the only way to go. Every day is long and hard, and you won't see the results right away, but it is the only way. Good luck.

Yeah guys. I don't know how she feels about it, but I bet it isn't positive. Especially because she was raised that crying is weakness by her father. Come to think of it I did see him cry years ago when they were still talking. But anyway, I am going force myself not to. I am just getting so worried at this point because D will be final possibly in September. I wonder if it goes thru if she will ever talk to me again. But I also feel like she is starting to break down now and even one more month could change everything.

Juke,

I guess I'm a little like your WW. I have always repressed crying. Always did it alone. I think when this started was the first time me kids have ever seen or heard me cry. I was embarrassed.

I know that if WW sees tears in my eyes she gets pleasure. Sounds perverse, but I think it is true. I don't have any tears left for our M, but feel some for my kids. My heart breaks for them, and the example that my WW thinks is ok to portray to them.

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They will not make you punchy or groggy or even happy. They'll just protect you from the wicked, evil despair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would second that opinion. The anti ds have made all the difference in the world for me. I can now talk to dh about everything and not wind up a quivering mass of protoplasm in the corner.... I no longer feel pain 24/7 - and I can honestly look at specifics in our sitch then say, "Yep, that pretty much sucked balloons," then drop it. Seriously. I was totally OCDing, and I am not anymore. Since I'm not hurting and crying, my dh and I communicate much better now.

- Kimmy, zoloft 100mg/1 per day

Juke1225:

I am not much of a cryer myself, which is not to say that I don't cry, just that it isn't usually my default reponse..but my husbands tears move and do not offend me. Without knowing much about you or your wife it is impossible for me to draw anything resembling a conclusion about her internal response to your emotions. It is clear that she isn't, for whatever reason, willing to console you or to reciprocate. A likely possibility is loss of intimacy [I had a boyfriend once who cried when I broke things off with him..I *was* repelled in that situation because the level of his response was out of sync with our degree of intimacy (casual)].

I usually keep my deepest darkest thoughts from my husband while carrying out plan A [he isn't having an affair so to speak..but rather an addiction to behavior that make him vulnerable to them..for more info see my thread] so for me plan A is about luring him back from the fog with a trail of M@M's [smiles]. It works for me because it isn't contrary to my temperament as a whole. It is generally my mind driving the car rather than my emotions. I have a friend though who is very much the opposite. When she is hurting, she will cry. She will leak through the day, and into the night. This is a part of who she is and the people in her life know and respect it. Her particular nature allows her to be deeply empathetic. From where I am standing it adds to her value. To ask her to do otherwise would be unnatural. She is better off without people who are so uncomfortable with her expression of pain and grief that they ridicule or evade her.

So, for the closest thing to an answer I can offer you..yes..it seems that your tears are off putting to her...there is a veritable plethora of reasons why this may be so..and they may be ganging up on you in complicated variations as well. The important thing is this..if tears are your honest response to what has happened, you do not have to justify it to her. Do not forget that YOU are the offended party. If your pain disgusts her it is telling you something that you NEED to know is at least present in her character, if not blatantly manifest at all times. Maybe a large part of what she is manifesting is fog related, but if you are not free to be who you are is it worth it to lure her back? If you value your marriage by all means..plan A..do not make nasty remarks..disrespectfull judgements...etc..but do not allow the criminal decide the terms of the mercy you are willing to have on her. She has no more right to fix you to her liking than you have to do the same to her. You both are who you are and for the marriage to survive you will have to accept and learn to appreciate and value each other for what your unique qualities bring to the table. Chances are that she has benefitted from your sensitivity..she must also be willing to tolerate it when it makes her uncomfortable or there is nowhere left to go but away from each other. Just my 0.02 and good luck --Noodle

Juke

as FWW I would have to say it depends where she is in the recovery. Could be turn off, could be nothing, shes too numb to feel much either way, or big guilt trip because she can see its a uncontroled response to her actions.

I've been through the lot with my therapist, haven't had the chance with my H yet. but I want to know as best I can how to respond.

For my H hes seems to have little emotional response after 3 deployments & my affair, after this last one don't know what to expect when he gets back.

However, my H father a very tough old airforce Capt and then doctor told me once years ago a man or woman should never be afraid to cry. I guess it just may be not a useful thing to do at this time in front of your wife. More of a strategy thing than any other reason....just not the time perhaps.

Can you talk with others, verebalize the details of A and all the pain to see if you can stop the auto response? might have to be a close friend or relative though.

Wish I had a better ans for you Juke, but I haven't got there myself yet. For all I know I may just fall apart.

God bless

Juke,
I was thinking about your sitch, I think I had a couple of really tough days and I let it all pour out. Have you let it out, I mean really really let it out? Cried, yelled, punched the pillow anything to let it all go? I don't want you to think I meant for you to just knuckle up and take the pain. After reading over my answer and then reading other responses, mine did NOT seem healthy.

Let it all out friend! We've been hurt, wronged, injured and we MUST express that in whatever way we NEED to. Try and refrain from doing it around you WS though is my only suggestion.

My father died suddenly when I was 18 and I cried then, when I was alone. I didn't really cry at the funeral or in public anywhere.

Mostly I cry now when I am alone, like this morning while I was jogging. Makes it kind of hard to breath or see where you are going.

I cry in front of WS when we are in therapy and the T asks me those tear-jerker questions. I HATE it because my face gets all twisted and I feel very silly. PLUS, I can't get out the point or answer to her question.

I might look into the ADs a little closer.
k

my late 2 cents are more along of the actual R talk. i don't know a lot about your situation but some and so i feel like i can convey what SH has told me about any kind of R talk, which as it seems makes you cry. SH said to treat any kind of R talk as a battleground. that when you are put into that situation you are essentially left unguarded and vulnerable to attack. this could include crying and the possibile "attack" from your W. You can control yourself by not bringing up R talk and when she does then you just have to do your best to redirect the conversation.

use things like, "i'm struggling but tomorrow is another day" "i'm just doing the best i can and taking one day at a time" "i'm not in a position where i can really talk about that right now" "i'm not sure how to answer, i'll have to think about that" do you kind of get the idea?

you already have somewhat of a time line to deal with but like you said maybe this one month can really be the time that makes the difference. i don't remember if you did a plan B letter or not but if you didn't then you plan A until D or until you have changed your mind about the D. you always want to leave any interaction w/your W as something she feels is positive and paints a good picture of yourself. if crying is something you don't feel like is being positive/attractive to her then you have to treat that as something that if you don't do it will save your M. does that make sense? in other words, if not crying in front of your W is what it takes to save your M, then that's what you have to do (generalizing here of course).

there will be a time when you will be able to cry in front of her but not until she is home and willing to rebuild the M. you can cry all you want to in private or w/others who care about you and support you in your decision in doing what you can.

i'm kind of faced w/a conundrum because i actually don't know if when my H cries or gets teary eyed if it's genuine because he does quite a bit of acting and has told me i the past that he is able to make himself cry. since dday he's even said how all the crying he's done over this has actually given him practive for being to cry on command. i'm not sure what he was thinking when he said that but the fact is he wasn't and hasn't been thinking. SH said basically that i shouldn't really cry in front of my H, that it's okay to get a little emotional but don't let it get the best of me. an older woman at church who i've been talking to who's gone through something similar has also told me not to cry in front of my H. i do pretty good, the last times we've actually seen each other i've only gotten "choked up" but i quickly collect myself and move on.

good luck and prayers to you, RR

P.S. i guess i didn't really answer your question because i'm not really sure how seeing a man cry really affects me right now. but pre-A i don't think it would have affected me one way or another.