Niosgirl, I have been very tempted to let myself get maaaaad.

I have been so good, so kind, so compassionate. I've swallowed buckets of sh*t and have layed down few boundaries. It seems to do me no good.

I'm tempted to call my WW and tell her to come and get her stuff. She is avoiding reality, and I want to lay a dose of it on her. I'd like to say, find a place for your things, or I'll put them on eBay. I'm tempted to file. Unfortunately, I want so badly to save my M that these things scare the heck out of me. One LB that I've rarely if ever committed is the AO. I feel like laying a nice, righteous, AO on the sparrow right about now.

GC

Gray -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want so badly to save my M that these things scare the heck out of me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah. I kwym. BUT, for me it'd gotten to the point of, "sheesh, if you aren't gonna face reality, I'm gonna MAKE you." His sister had called in the middle of it and instead of sitting there crying my eyes out, I was telling her what an idiot he was being and how it was gonna bite him in the [censored]. She agreed with me whole heartedly (infact, she was the one that told me to make him take the van - evil giggle). At one point I said to her (within his hearing), "I guess he's tired of not acting like a grown up, and thinks he's blown it here, so he's going to where he's gonna be the ONLY grown up," referring to the OW and her "please daddy me" mentality. He stopped what he was doing at that point - I could tell it got to him.

Sometimes, tho, Gray, it's gotta be you or them. How long is it gonna take you to be at the end of your rope? What's gonna be the point at which YOU snap? Took me about a year and a few months....but then, I've a pretty high threshold for pain (obviously).

- Kimmy

gc,
First I'll tell you I *am* one of those personal successes, even though my marriage failed. I know that's not what you're looking for on this thread. But without this place, there's no tellin' where I'd be or what I would have gone through. My personal growth as a result of following these principles, believing in my marriage, and the principles I'm carrying into my current relationship and next marriage, cannot be replaced. The support system here is incredible, as you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This place saved my sanity, saved my self-respect, and opened my eyes to myself and the world.

Then, I'll share with you 3 success-couples... friends that I developed here. They were newbies about the same time I was a newbie. Their marriages are in recovery, and they don't post anymore because they are moving on with their lives. But I stay in touch with them and they are doing fine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You could search on them if you wanted to, to see what they went through.

SEM and Keep Smiling both posted here, and we spent many hours helping them both. Young couple, with 2 small children. He was a cop, and she had SEVERAL affairs. We wondered if they would really make it. They did!

jdmac1 started posting here as a BS. He was a mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , just about gave up, and his W sjmac1 came around and started posting a little bit as well. They are doing fine.

godlyman is another one. Oh I remember how crushed he was. Bless his heart. Young couple, no kids. His W was on the internet all the time. Chat rooms and stuff. Had a couple of real affair encounters. Again... we wondered if she'd ever come out of the fog. She did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . And they are doing great today!

Hang in there. Take care of YOU, and keep posting.

double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

hehe. triple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Please keep the good stories coming. I for one know I need them. The fog my WW is in is getting close to beaching the ship that is our M. Not to mention the fog I am in.

Any good stories with a WW and OC? I need to hear (thanks again pops) that there is a chance we can work this out.

Another success story checking in. Wow, it feels so great to be able to say that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was just thinking that at the end of the day, it wasn't so much getting over the A (mine) on both of our parts that brought us to marital success, but the fact that through MB we learned how to be better people individually.

My H and I NEVER worked well together since being complete opposites makes that difficult. IMLF had a good comment on that on another thread, something about those couples who have a natural "click" will find anything, including recovery easier than those who don't.

Well, H and I never did have that easy click so it's been a real uphill effort to apply the MB concepts to our lives. That's what makes our marriage so amazing today. Twenty years we spend pretty much working against each other and oh, how how things have changed for the better!

I definetly do not want to go back to the old marriage, that's for sure. I think the idea that the marriage we were rebuilding WOULD be different was what kept us going when the going got tough and the only way it was going to change is if WE made the choice to do the changing. It is worth everything we put into it. It's not perfect, mind you, but it is OURS and that's a very good thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Graycloud, I haven't even been lurking much lately and am totally unfamiliar with your story anyway so I'm hesitant to make any comment so I'll just leave this as a check in. I do wish you the best, and pray that someday you'll be posting on a thread such as this as a success story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

I'm here! How bad did it get? FWS was looking for an apartment with OW the day before NC started. And how long did it take? Well, Plan A took 4 1/2 months, but it probably took another 3 months after NC for the feelings to start returning (for both of us).

I don't think of ourselves as poster children for recovery. We've had our ups and downs, but I've seen many terrific changes in FWS.

I started to feel blue as the anniversary of d-day approached, but now I'm feeling very hopeful!

I was finding a copy of the EN Questionnaire for a friend when I decided to read a few posts on the ol' MB forum. I thought maybe it would be a neat idea to try and provide some encouragement for other couples in recovery when I found this post and saw that my good friend, Faith1 had done it for me! =)
Anyway, I just wanted to confirm that YES, it is possible. I know I sure as heck didn't think it was at the time! And also - yes, you will still have sad days. I had a sleepless night last week. No idea why. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. But I eventually put it out of my mind, and held my wife in my arms and fell asleep. I love her with all of my heart and I have no doubt in my mind that she loves me just as much.
-Sam, BH (30), the rest is history

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: GodlyMan ]</small>

count me as a success story too.

My husband and I had at least half a dozen sessions with Steve Harley that ended in his recommendation that I file for divorce.

The end result was that my husband knew exactly what he had to do to fix our marriage when he got around to making up his mind that he indeed wanted our marriage the night before our first court date.

How bad did it get?

He was having an affair, I caught him, threw him out of the house, and discovered I was pregnant 2 weeks later.

I had a horribly complicated pregnancy with no one to help me by HIS parents, who were my rock thru thick and thin.

We were separated 18 months. We've been back together since July/August of 2001. His affair is no longer a main issue in our house, we've moved beyond it. But...last night out of the blue, he gave me a disc of music that included a song I'd never heard....the lyrics talked about how much pain he'd caused and how much regret he felt...

If Steve Harley had not talked to my husband about what he needed to do to recover our marriage, I doubt we'd be here today.

Gray,
There are many successes that never come around any longer. (failures too, but sometimes I wonder if they stay longer to keep working on it.)

I have talked to many that made things work but no longer post.

HighRoad is one that I can think of off the top.

I understand some of your reasons for wanting to hear success stories. I think the best way to live is to do your own plan, set your time limit, and run the plan no matter what happens from week to week.

So often it is that people try to judge how successful their plan is by the little reactions they get - and they are heart broken if they get a set back. It is better to judge your plan by how well you do what you plan to do, not by the reaction you get. It helps you maintain the plan longer, and often brings success in the long run.

How are you personally feeling about the plan A you have been doing?

Do you feel you have been giving it a really good effort?

Are there things you wish you were doing better or differently?

So often the focus is on "how is she reacting?" I think you would be ahead to focus on "how am I doing on running my plan this week."

I think you have done really well so far - after all, this is one of those things that put some people in the loony bin, and you are still here making it work.

Just wanting to get you to thinking a little in another direction.

All the best.

SS

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 06:17 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

GC: 'Nother success story. 2 1/2 years out from d-day. Multiple affairs on the part of my FWH. A year of intensive weekly counseling with a Christian IC/MC locally. Did the "Torn Asunder" workbook together. Ended up teaching a marriage class at our church.

We are both "in love" again. But more importantly, we've learned to develop a deeper, more mature and committed love. Both for each other, and for ourselves.

20 mths past dday and M stronger then preA. I very much consider us a MB success story. We found MB within days of dday and adopted the strategies..we also counseled with SH, did individual IC, regular MC and read all the A books. I think that one of the keys for us is that we still loved each other and were both committed to recovery and doing whatever it took.

It was a horrible rollercoaster in those first months but glad we stayed on the coaster...now we are reaping the rewards!

Another MB success story 6 1/2 yrs after Dday!

I would have NEVER in a million yrs thought we could survive the discovery of my H's long term affair. I actually had no intentions of even trying. I mean, afterall, I had always said "Cheat on me once and we are over." And now that he did that, I could hardly go back on my word, could I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He wanted another chance. Wanted to show me things could be different. Wanted to prove he was sorry and would never contact her again.

I found MB the following month. I began reading, posting, getting the help, suggestions and support we so desperately needed.

6 1/2 yrs later and I'm glad we gave it that one last chance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

gc,

Success here.

Wow, this is gonna sound funny but the 2 year anniversary of D-day passed last week and I didn't even notice. Anyway I digress....

quick run down....

Me: non communicative and distant

her:1 pa and another ea/pa

me: horrible plan A enabling her affair and turning myself into a doormat.

her: staying, going....no staying,no going

me: six months into recovery i have month long PA and tell her 4.5 months after I ended it.

her: relieved that I had an affair so she didn't have to try and recover anymore. She moves out and starts seeing OM#2.

Me: I guess this is where I turned from trying to change her to worrying about me. Regardless of what happened I would still be living with myself so I needed to fix some things. Over the next two months I grew a lot.

While my lovely wife and I were together it seemed I was too focused on recovery and that got in the way of being married. When she first moved out we didn't talk at all, only when it pertained to our daughter. I guess it was some kind of modified plan B. This helped so much, the detaching. I started school, playing the guitar and got involved with the youth at church.

I learned that honestly I didn't need my wife to be happy. I wanted her in my life but didn't need her.

She moved back in September of 03. Since then we have grown by leaps and bounds. All the cliche's apply.....

Better than ever...
love of my life....
I've never loved like this before.....
and last but not least.....
They lived happily ever after.

gray, regardless if your wife comes back you my friend will grow and learn so much from this. You'll be better for yourself and whomever you commit yourself to in the future.

God Bless

Doug

What a great thread!

Although I am not married, I consider myself an MB success, because I have finally come to a place in my life where I have learned how to forgive, both myself and my X fiance. I can look at my life now with meaning outside of my relationship, and I am happy.

I am now dating my Xfiance and hope that I will be able to help him through the deep depression he is now in, after the "fog" has lifted and he is realizing for the first time in his life the devestation his first divorce caused to his children, his xwife, and himself.

And for the first time in years I am able to read others people pain and want to help them. I have found love within myself and therefore have a deep need and desire to help others find love in themselves. Because I now believe this is our true purpose, to love one another, uphold one another, and as Ark says to be that lighthouse for anyone who is lost and trying to find their way back home.

What does MB have to do with this. I'm not really sure but it has been a life saver for me at a time when I felt hopeless and alone.

Hi GC,

Didn't have MB when I first found out about my W's first A way back in 1988... Felt like I was the only guy on the planet that was going through all of that mess.

Found out about several other A's that occured during our first three years of M... ten years after the fact... and was just devistated.

How bad did it get? After finding out about the first A, I was very suicidal and depressed. We never addressed any of the issues that led up to her A... and we both just "acted" like it never happened.

My W's guilt finally caught up with her 10 years later and she confessed to several more affairs during our first three years of M in December 2000. I wasn't suicidal this time, but the pain was almost unbearable... I was determined to work through everything this time and really rebuild our M.

We started counseling with our church and our MC gave us a copy of Torn Asunder... That really helped us get started... but then I deployed with my reserve unit for 7 months and we basically put our rebuilding "on hold"... Returned from the deployment in April 02 and continued MC. Found MB in May 02...

For me, the best thing about finding the MB site was that unlike the first A, I now knew that there were many others that were going through the same things that I was going through. I didn't feel so all alone...

My wonderful W has never posted here, and I'm not sure that she ever will... I'm definitely not an expert on the MB principals, but I do like to post occasionally if only to give others that are hurting a glimps of hope that you can rebuild your M, even after multiple A's...

I deployed again this past February for a year and I'm so thankful that we are past all of the hurt and pain. I've seen so many couples that are dealing with infidelity AND a deployment at the same time... My heart and prayers truly go out to those special couples that are dealing with this...

Keep your head up and work on the things that YOU can control... regardless of what happens, you will come out of this a better person.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Sweet Success here also. It has been six years in Aug. Recovery complete.
It was along difficult road. But, every night in my H's arms, I bless the fact we made it. However long it takes, never give up!